He didn't want to die!

Imagine this, it's 4:30 am. You decide to get yourself up and moving and to the shop by 5am because after 12 hours on Tuesday, and 10 hours on Wednesday, you just didn't have it in you to make the set of gumpaste flip flops you needed for a cake by 10am today. You feed the dogs, plug in the coffee. You drink literally one sip of coffee and hop in the shower. You tilt your head back under the water to wet your hair for shampooing. You tilt your head out of the water and with vision blurred you see a large dark object with the body the size of a quarter, crawling quickly towards your foot. You wipe the water out of your eyes to focus and you see it's the biggest, fattest, hairiest spider you have ever seen in your entire life. YOUR ENTIRE LIFE! (I'm going to be 50 in a week, that's a big freaking spider!) Your awake now and go into panic mode. You grab the shower head which is attached to a hose and you start spraying that mother like your a New York firefighter and its September 11th! You hose him down and send him towards the drain and flood him with water. He doesn't want to die! He keeps crawling out of the stream of the water! Finally, you are certain he is dead, you've drowned him and it's okay to continue your shower.
You reach for your new favorite shampoo, which of course, is sitting on the drain side of the tub. (insert 'Jaws' theme here) (Dun..dunt) You lean closer to the shampoo and pick it up (Dun, dunt, dunt, dunt...) and the hairy @$$ed spider starts crawling in your direction only this time, he's pissed!
You go into hysterics. You are laughing, whining, yelling, No, No! only you realize it's 4:30 am and the rest of the house is sleeping, and if the cop you are married to hears you fussing like this, somebody's going to get shot! You kick into super ninja survival mode. You grab that shampoo bottle and you start kicking that spider's ass. You mash him through the drain, like Mario Batali mashes tomatoes through a seive! Finally, you know he's gone, because there are only bits, pieces and chuncks left. You try to hose the remains down the drain, only they don't want to go either, and they are clogging the drain. You continue mashing the remains down the drain with your favorite shampoo bottle. You rinse off the bottle and continue to shampoo your hair and think about the wonderful story you have to tell your facebook and cake friends, because you just thought it was one of those funny freakish things that happen in life and you just want to bring smile to everyone's face. You really don't take the time to do much spell check or grammar check because after all, you've got some gumpaste flip flops to make.

I hope you all have a great day caking!
tokazodo

Oh, I feel bad to say this, but that just cracked me up.

Now if I was in your shoes, or well standing in your shower having all that happen, I'm not sure I would have been able to finish the shower.

I have a BIG spider on my front porch. He's made an interesting web, so I've kept him around. Before Jan he was there for about 4 or 5 months and in the last month plus rebuilt his web. Well I found out one night there are actually two of them.

But we have an unspoken agreement... They are to stay outside. Spiders outside get to live. Spiders inside, get squished!!!!

tokazodo, I know it wasn't funny at 4:30 in the morning, but boy, I'm LMAO!!! It reminds me of the movie I saw with Goldie Hawn years and years ago where she's battling the cockroach from hell in the shower! I would have ran out of the shower screaming for my husband to go and kill it!!!

It is not normal to see spiders this big in my shower. I live in the south, and we grow bugs big here. I might see a daddy long legs in the shower a few times a year. I try to 'tag and release' the daddy long legs.
This spider moved too fast and was too big fat and ugly, with short stubby hair legs. I've never seen one like it before.
I found more humor to the situation because it was a spider.
Had this been a snake, no matter how big or small, that would have been an entirely different story...

You have more gumption that I.

There would have been broken shower rods, possibly bones, screaming, sobbing and incoherent babbling. No threat of torture would have gotten me back on that floor of the house, let alone the bathroom, until IT was dead and removed from the premises. Considering I live alone and I sincerely doubt my cat could be moved enough to take care of it for me, that might be a while; and awkward, all my clothes are on the same level...

You crack me up!! What a great little story.
I had a spider sac open up in my kitchen once...I had about 50 little spiders all over my kitchen...creeped me out.

Oh my, this reminds me of when I was a child and every now and then cockroaches would get into the bathroom. I can remember too many times that while soaking in the tub and looking up at the ceiling and seeing the biggest cockroach looking at me and as soon as I tried to get up and out of the tub, the dang thing would fly down right at me. Of course I was running out of the tub screaming and my three older brothers thinking I was crazy.

Ooooooooohhh my goodness that does remind me of a similar thing that happened some 45 yrs ago. We moved into a cabin in the mountains (really the foothills, abut 2,500 ft elevation) that hadn't been lived in for yrs. We had been there maybe a couple of weeks. One day my oldest daughter, then about 4 came out of the bathroom stuttering "Thhheeerrrrssssss a cccrrreeeeeeecher in there". Yes, it was a BIG hairy black spider - as bit as my hand w/fingers spread! - turned out to be a taranchala (I am the world's worst speller!). I grabbed a *spray can of Raid* and turned that thing white but it kept crawling! So I ran out and got the only thing I could find - a shevel and wacked and wacked it until it was in pieces.
A few yrs later when we moved out we found the remains of a scorpion under the baby's crib

Bless your heart! (I say as I am laughing so hard that I almost wet my pants!!) Lol!

Yeah absolutely NO way would I have been able to keep calm in that situation - there would have been a lot of jumping, screaming, and nightmares. I don't know if I would ever be able to shower in that shower again.......in fact, your story may make me have nightmares anyway. Glad you were able to handle it ok though!!

lol!! When hubby and I moved into our first house, we woke up the nasty hairy beasts. Our first night was spent running away from huge spiders (talking huge, with legs included, about the size of my palm, NOT exaggerating) because as soon as they realized you saw them - they started running toward you and all you can do is find the nearest chair to jump on to distract it while the other found a huge shoe to smash it with. Oh man, fun times.

that's too funny, spiders are about the only thing i am truly scared of, we have a built in seat in our shower, and i can tell you, had it been me, i would have been standing on the seat screaming till hubby came to rescue me.

I once decided to be brave a squish a tarantula with my foot ( it wasnt that big of one) and apparently some carry babies on their back and when i squished it all the little babies ran up my legs, i went spastic and seriously thought i would die from heart failure ( i was 1 i was outside by the pool so i jumped my self straight into the pool clothes and all then started stripping as soon as i hit the water just to make sure they all got off....ewwww, seriouly creeps me out still, so now i am terrified to step on spiders!