Free Wedding Cake To Cousin And She's Upset Over No Gift????
Lounge By Reimagining_Confections Updated 14 Mar 2011 , 7:46am by Maydo
Oh my goodness, I am so sorry you are going through this. Talk about a stab straight through the heart! Unfortunately I know how you feel, just on a much smaller scale.
A friends daughter came to me and asked if I would make her birthday cake. I knew that her mom wouldn't be able to afford the cake, and I am not good at telling a 6 year old girl "no." when her mom (my ex friend) asked how much the cake would cost, I told her no cost, the cake is my gift to her. She just said "oh ok." I put hours and hours into the cake, spent over $200 in supplies and tools and ingredients for the cake, and spent days perfecting every little detail because I really wanted the little girl to be happy. (it's the Debbie brown inspired mermaid cake on my profile)
Before delivering the cake, I stopped and got her a card and put $20 cash in it, since I know the family doesn't have much. When the cake arrived at the party she said simply "it's nice, where's my present?" I was floored but said "oh your card is on the present table" and she said "JUST a card??" I looked over at her mom and her reply to her daughter was "it's fine honey they probably just forgot your gift."
Needless to say, it was a lost cause even trying to explain that the cake was a gift in itself. I never even got a "thank you" from the girl or her mom. Hence, the ex-friend
I got mad reading this!! What ungrateful people! I agree with everyone here about educating your family on the costs and labor expenses involved. I probably wouldn't be nice but if you can be, good for you! But I would definitely address the situation....let us know how it goes!!!!
Oh my goodness, I am so sorry you are going through this. Talk about a stab straight through the heart! Unfortunately I know how you feel, just on a much smaller scale.
A friends daughter came to me and asked if I would make her birthday cake. I knew that her mom wouldn't be able to afford the cake, and I am not good at telling a 6 year old girl "no." when her mom (my ex friend) asked how much the cake would cost, I told her no cost, the cake is my gift to her. She just said "oh ok." I put hours and hours into the cake, spent over $200 in supplies and tools and ingredients for the cake, and spent days perfecting every little detail because I really wanted the little girl to be happy. (it's the Debbie brown inspired mermaid cake on my profile)
Before delivering the cake, I stopped and got her a card and put $20 cash in it, since I know the family doesn't have much. When the cake arrived at the party she said simply "it's nice, where's my present?" I was floored but said "oh your card is on the present table" and she said "JUST a card??" I looked over at her mom and her reply to her daughter was "it's fine honey they probably just forgot your gift."
Needless to say, it was a lost cause even trying to explain that the cake was a gift in itself. I never even got a "thank you" from the girl or her mom. Hence, the ex-friend
I would have taken the card back when no one was looking! 
I agree with everything that the pp's have said. This really burns my butt that the bride and other family members are treating you this way. If you choose to send her an e-mail with everything itemized out, I would also include the link to this forum so that each one of these ungrateful @$$e$ could see that you are not alone in your feelings. Not that it matters to them what any of us think, but they don't have a clue as to what goes into a masterpiece such as the one that you created for them. I can only hope that someday, I will be able to produce something as gorgeous as this. What an awesome gift to such an ungrateful B*tch.
I know you want to take the higher road with this, but not responding and being the "bigger person" in this case isn't the higher road, its the easy way out.
This little brat of a bride is immature, but the rest of the family that berated you for not giving a gift shouldn't have the same excuse. It is beyond ridiculous, and it should be handled. Don't be a doormat. In the words of Dr Phil (whom I don't always agree with, but that's beside the point) YOU teach people how to treat you.
I am so sorry this happened to you, but I really do think you should handle it. There is no need to be snarky and bitter, but the only person in this situation who can stand up for you is YOU.
Every time you go to Easter, Christmas and another event, YOU will be the one who gets all stressed and remembers when this happened. So you are choosing to eat the anger and hurt while they get to think they are right?
That's up to you, but if you don't say anything, you are enabling your family to treat you like this.
This is why it has to be made CRYSTAL CLEAR at the beginning that it's a gift, and that both parties completely agree with it - maybe with witnesses.
Maybe a nice email explaining this to her, along with a breakdown of the cost, would help.
It's tacky to EXPECT or DEMAND a gift for a celebration. People get so selfish!
...
I would have taken the card back when no one was looking!
I would have taken the card AND the cake back...WHILE they were looking!
As to the OP...I would send her an email
"Dear Cousin,
I keep hearing from family members that you are saying that I was too cheap to give you a wedding present! Of course this shocked me beyond belief considering I gave you the gift of a $700 cake. Are they misunderstanding you? Please clarify for me why you would do such a thing after all I did for you for the wedding.
Please make sure that you correct this mischaracterization of me with everyone you passed it on to. Otherwise I will be forced to do so myself. And I really don't want to bad mouth you.
Once this is done we can start fresh with no hard feelings. Hopefully we can resolve this quickly and easily.
Sincerely,
your cousin"
Taking the high road is one thing. But why is it that she and her cronies don't have to worry about how you feel and how you are treated? Why is it that YOU, the victim here, is worried about hurting their feelings and confronting them?
Yeah- I will respond, but knowing my temper(and I HAVE a fierce one), I need to wait a day or two. Write my email, stick it in draft folder, re-read it. Have my hubby read it, maybe even post here. Then send out the 10th or 12 th edit.
First one would probably go something like, here is my middle finger, sit and spin, B-yoch(MIL included- so not a good idea
).
Probably not what I need to say, so more time=more eloquent and level-headed me.
Thanks everyone, I feel your love. It's nice being understood.
I believe at first I would be endlessly crying from hurting, then I would move into extremely pi$$ed (throwing anything I could get my hands on), and then I would write an editorial to explain just how ungrateful they were and how unjust the comments were.
So sorry this happened to you! Take up for yourself and send that email right away!
I recently did the same for a cousin of mine - did a 6/8/10 cake, a 12x18 sheet cake and 75 sugar cookie favours. I did up an invoice, itemizing the regular price for all of the above, and put it in their card, and put a little note saying "given in love and affection". I verbally stated that it would be my gift to them, but I also wanted to put it on paper, so that they could be aware of the cost of their "gift". Hmm $450 worth of cake and edible favours or a towel set?
I'm so sorry this happened to you - but I would DEFINITELY recommend doing up an itemized list, with the FULL price of everything you did for the wedding, (as if this was a regular paying customer), and include "rental fees" for the blocks, stands etc. And send her an invoice listing the total amount of what her gift was "worth". Maybe if she sees a dollar value of what you did for her, she'll stop bad mouthing her. Although, if it were my cousin that did that, I would do what some of the other posters said, and deduct $75-$100 and say, here is what YOU OWE ME!
I think so many times friends and family take advantage of your skills/talents as a baker. I always put the price of my "cake gifts" in the cards for the recipient, that way they are fully aware of the level of generousity that was bestowed on them!
you are going to love this... so I made a cupcake tower(in my pics) over 300 cupcakes(4 flavors), 2 grooms cakes(3-d wick candle cakes), a 9 inch topper cake with homemade MMF, gelatin work(bubbles), sugar work(topper), gumpaste AND fondant decorations. I hand cut 300 cupcake wrappers and cut snowflakes designs in them(took me over 3 months my hand hurt so bad), made sugar jewels for extra bling. hauled all this stuff 6 hours away in snow from VA to upstate PA.
Decorated the table as best I could(she didn't even order table linens for the cake table). The blocks I used to stack the tower alone cost me almost $200(yes I am keeping them). Card stock, molds, snowflake cutters, hole punchers(snowflake design), food ingredients, lights(string and battery powered) ran me a few hundred9yup didn't tell hubby
.Not to mention easily over a hundred hours of work from start to finish AND SHE told my whole family in PA that my hubby and I were too cheap to buy them a wedding gift!!!!!!!!
I TOLD her before when I first offered that the cake was my gift because she had NO money for the wedding.
I also spent over $400 in hotel costs just to attend the wedding(not to mention the $140 white chiffon dress she required for my 9 year old daughter and white patent leather shoes my daughter will never wear again. I begged to lt me buy silver shoes so she could use them again(can you spray white patent leather-ugh. my daughter is 9 going on 14 and hates the little girl look.
I am so peaved(different word I would use but trying to refrain at the moment). lessons learned- in the future they want my services they will pay like the rest of my clients with a B with an itch added price tag for my having to deal with them.
Sorry if i am ranting but just found out and am so (hurt, sad, mad, etc.) My MIL thinks I could have gotten them a little something. She bought them a $75 steam cleaner( i spent over $400 or more(don't want to do the math).
Thanks for the rant.... feel like I could do this longer and stil won't feel better- is 11am to early for a glass of wine?
Trish
I agree with everyone else. This is very ungrateful and rude behavior by the bride and other family members. In your previous post you mention that you will probably do this again because you enjoy being able to help out family. I totally undertand that sentiment. Something I started doing for wedding cake gifts is to ask the bride and groom to do a tasting somewhere else and get prices. Then bring their ideas to me and we can work on something. This helps them to understand what a big gift it is and how much they should be grateful for. It also helps them to limit some of their more detailed and crazy ideas because they realize what they cost.
Sorry you have to deal with this. Let us know how it goes!
I can't believe your family would have the nerve to say those things to you. That cupcake tower and cupcakes looked stunning! What a gorgeous set up. I definitely agree with what everyone is saying. And I don't even know if I would edit my response to her either. Sometimes, saying the first thing is the only thing that will get through. How can someone be that ungrateful? Please let us know how it goes. If I were to ever receive a gift like that I would be forever grateful!
Jen
What you should do is send an email with TWO diffrent versions! The 1st would be the one you would send to her being the talented cake decorator that you are and be very nice about the whole thing! The 2nd would be the way you want to talk to her like the ungrateful cousin she is and as an added bonues CC the other SOB's in your family that have the nerve to talk about you through email!
You are all way better people than I am. High road my foot! Family is family and whether they are cake muggles or not, that ungrateful, distasteful and SHAMEFUL type of behavior would have gotten the sharp side of my tongue before I spent even 2 seconds thinking about it. And then, because we're family, we'd all kiss and make up and all future cakes for her would come from Wal-Mart.
I like Cayman's idea to itemize the costs and at the bottom under the total indicate that it's a gift. I'm interested Cayman, how is that received? As to the original OP, it is horrible the way your family is treating you. If you have trouble sending your cousin and everyone else a letter I bet any one of us on here would be glad to help.
Dear, how can you say you had no money for the wedding, and you GAVE her that set-up??? That cake table and cupcakes was STUNNING. It's obvious to us cakers that you put a crazy number of hours AND dollars into that arrangement. I'd say in the future, go get them a $40 gift off their registry, and let them have a crappy attitude toward some unknown caker. The next time you see/speak to her, I'd let her know the total number of hours and dollars you invested in that gift.
This stuff just makes me so MAD!! Maybe it needs to be known that the cake WILL be your gift because of the time it will take to make it very special - BEFORE the event. And it probably wouldn't even hurt to at least give a congratulations card at the wedding stating that you hope they enjoyed your gift that helped to make their day extra special. lol
I made a wedding cake for my MIL last year as a gift and she was so appreciative! She sent me a thank you card saying how grateful she was! I gifted a wedding cake to my SIL a few years ago and she, too, was grateful for it and when introduced to her friends - I am always introduced as "my sister in law who made my beautiful wedding cake"! I am so glad that I have grateful inlaws like that!
Crazy Amazing Cupcake/Wedding Cake!
Here's what stands out to me in this situation. Cake ignorant or not, they are ungrateful beings with a sense of entitlement. You would have probably heard the same thing had you gifted her a $10 Target gift card instead of that amazing creation.
Here's the lesson - let's teach our kids how to gratefully accept ANY gift no matter if they like it or not. I know etiquette suggests a gift at certain occassions but on the other hand etiquette also expects others to handle no gift with grace. I guess she forgot that part of the lesson.
I agree with indydebi, I like the way she put it. But there are a lot of great suggestions out there! You have to stand up for yourself and make it known that you aren't going to let people walk all over you - even if they are family. haha send her an invoice and tell her no checks, and once you receive her payment she'll get her gift.
And I would email the MIL and everyone else who's bad mouthing you and tell them you sincerely apologize for the mis-understanding. Tell them you sent her an invoice for $700 (or $1000, or $1200 - whatever the retail cost of the cake is), and you would be more than happy to purchase her a $100 wedding gift once her invoice is paid in full.
No one that attended that wedding would even THINK of letting that happen again!
I TOLD her before when I first offered that the cake was my gift because she had NO money for the wedding.
When you told her this, she probably didn't believe you because "how much could a wedding cake cost, right? " And besides, you're family, you owe her as her cousin to help her out. That doesn't count...
Sheesh...if I had family like that they'd be getting an earful, and not a polite earful either. The fact that they are bad mouthing you around the family just shows that they won't get it if you are nice to them. Sometimes you just have to respond in kind.
I agree with many of the PP and I would definitely send your email to every single person who emailed you and was on that email thread as well as the bride, groom and MIL. I don't know that I would itemize my costs because someone will say that you spent too much, or could have gotten things cheaper. I would do what IndyDebi said and just provide a bill as you would have for a paying customer. Itemize the prices for the cakes, cupcakes, toppers (especially specify anything hand made), include any rentals for equipment, delivery fees, anything billable. You wouldn't itemize costs for a customer, and you shouldn't for her.
I will say that I had a similar thing happen with a former acquaintance (she works with my DH) where I made a cake for her for her 50th birthday and she was only paying cost. After the fact she was bad mouthing me and my cake to anyone who would listen, saying she could have gotten it cheaper elsewhere. She even called up invited guests who hadn't brought a gift to ask them where their gift was. And she couldn't understand why those who had given her cash had only given her $50 and said that if they'd gone out to a restuarant instead of her throwing a party, they would have spent more than $50. She didnt seem to grasp that people give the cash value of the age youre turning (I got $50 cash gifts for my 50th a week later).
My DH wrote her a scathing email calling her out on everything and even laid it out to her that her cake, that only cost her $90, would have been $250 if wed made her pay and she would never have gotten that cake elsewhere for $90.
Anyway, I wont go on (and I could). If youre interested in reading the whole saga, check out this thread
http://cakecentral.com/cake-decorating-ftopict-694383-kick.html+curb
Anyway, good luck and kick their collective a$$es.
Too bad you can't choose your family! I'm sorry that she didn't recognize what an awesome gift that you gave her...maybe one day she will! You did a great job! 
Crazy Amazing Cupcake/Wedding Cake!
Here's the lesson - let's teach our kids how to gratefully accept ANY gift no matter if they like it or not. I know etiquette suggests a gift at certain occassions but on the other hand etiquette also expects others to handle no gift with grace. I guess she forgot that part of the lesson.
Well said! Did they get married just for the gifts?
She even called up invited guests who hadn't brought a gift to ask them where their gift was.
This so reminds me of my favorite www.etiquettehell.com story in which a wedding guest was in a car wreck on the way to the wedding, was lifelined to the hospital .... and the bride called her to tell her that was NO excuse for missing her wedding and by the way, the guest STILL owed the bride a present. 
Just when you think you've heard it all.
I am so sorry you had to go through this. No more cake for your family ok !! 
I agree the best way to go about it is to email her the invoice with $100 or so off as the 'gift' in red letters. Be direct and not the shady way they are all trashing you on email. I would also find out how much other people would charge for the cake. The sugar snowflake was amazing and how much alone would that cost ?
Perhaps you should itemize it all for her - then at the end subtract $100 and in big letters next to it say "YOUR GIFT" then when you get the final total (which will be well over $300) - in even bigger letters say "This is what you owe me for your cake". Maybe that will shut her up
You can send her this in an email leaving off the $100 gift part then ask her what she didnt get as a wedding gift and let her know that once payment is made IN FULL she will be getting the gift she REALLY wants! Now that will shut her up! Sounds like you went above and beyond for her only for her to bad mouth you for not getting her something that was off her little ole registry.
This is just what I was thinking. EXACTLY!
Yeah- I will probably do something like that with a nice inquiry into details of her honeymoon(have fun, see nice things) etc. Then find a subtle way to work in the way our "cheapness" hurt considering we probably gave them the most expensive gift. I had the wedding photographer ask me to do her wedding in june and what the cost would be( I ballparked over $1200 and she said that sounded great- then i let her in on the wouldn't be able to due to the distance)
I just need some time to temper my TEMPER over this. My MIL sent me an email, my aunt-in-law sent me an email, my cousins(different one) wife sent an email with a email trail(from like 6 other relatives) of how my husband and I were the ONLY ones that did not give the needy bride and groom money or a wrapped gift for the wedding. One person called us a CHEAP set of SOB's.
I am glad it was email and not phone because I speak really quickly before my brain catches up to my tongue.
Thanks guys!
I'd be sure to send every one of those relatives a combined email, and let them know just how much you spent, that you in fact paid for the cake (maybe they think the bride paid you to make the cake) and how much it would have cost from a high end bakery and ask what part of the wedding they contributed to, PLUS their cash or gift. Ask them how much it is you were expected to spend and to please compare the cost of your gift compared to the cost of their gifts.
I think you need to shut them down quickly, yet politely, before this gets completely out of hand and you become the family outcast. And all because of your generosity. I'm so sorry for you.
I have relatives like that. They are users and would only come to me if they wanted or needed something and then couldn't wait to chop me up behind my back. These kinds of people will never change no matter what you say or do. I kept doing for them thinking that some day they would appreciate my efforts...they didn't.
I finally realized that a pig is a pig and if you keep expecting it to act like a dog or a bird or a hamster, you will be disappointed...every time.
I have since separated myself from those relatives and I am emotionally healthier as a result. You don't have to associate with people just because you're related. There's relatives and then there's family. I have lots of family now that I'm not blood related to. You CAN'T pick your relatives but you CAN pick your family....and there's no law that says they HAVE to be the same thing.
I wouldn't have done a set up like that for less than $950 btw. so pardon me but your cousin is nuts besides being ungrateful. She's lucky she doesn't have any money at this point because if she did, I'd send her a big fat bill.
I have since separated myself from those relatives and I am emotionally healthier as a result. You don't have to associate with people just because you're related. There's relatives and then there's family. I have lots of family now that I'm not blood related to. You CAN'T pick your relatives but you CAN pick your family....and there's no law that says they HAVE to be the same thing.
standing on my coffee table and applauding loudly!!!!! (and don't think its not hard to type while doing that, either! 
)
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