I know this is a cake decorating site but I feel closer to you guys because we all have something in common cake decorating. I am not male bashing either just stating something that I am personally going though. I have been married for 17 years and now I am in the process of going thru a divorce. It is still la shock to me how a person whom have been a part of your life for so long could change overnight. My husband a truck driver walk out a year ago and didn't give a dam about how i made it. When I asked him ( he paid the house note) what was i going to do, he really didn't give a dam. We have a special needs child and when he walk away the house note was almost three months behind. God made a way because somehow I manage to keep a float untill now. I never could make the money that I need to make because I had to take jobs that would adjust around my daughter school hours and would kind of work with me with her. I never had any help with her other then him (my mom past away when my daughter was two and my sibling well we are not close, so i often got little if any support from them ) Therefore my whole life became him and my daughter. I came up with the ideal to start back doing cakes about three years ago hoping that my spouse would back me that way I felt i could work for my self and still be able to keep my daughter. Yet , he would never back me always said that that was my project. He really did not started caring anything about it untill one day he came and in I had 6 people come in to pick up their cake orders. I have a full time job and was doing cakes on the side as means of extra income hoping to one day make if a full time bussiness. My income is not meeting my household espensive so I am going to somehow have to find another job. All the bills that i been paying before he left I had to stop to try in come up with the mortgage and if it was just me I would have just gave up but this house that I am in fits my daughter needs in every way and thanks to him my credit is shot so I really don't have anywhere else to go. I just had a wedding cake to due the first of aug and it took everything in me to do it. Yet I did it and the bride love it. I want so bad to put more into my cake decorating but i am already working a full time job i have a special needs child and if I don't hurry up and find a second job me and my daughter are going to be in some serious trouble, I know some of you may not know what I am going thru but i know some of you do. I just feel so low right now and I have been feeling like this for the last month Thanks for letting me vent!!!!!

I can relate a little .... when I got divorced, my ex then filed bankruptcy, which means I had to pay ALL the bills. I ended up moving in with my parents for a few months (what an experience THAT was!).

I look back now and view that as the period of my largest personal growth. Suddenly those "little" things weren't important anymore. I had 2 kids who only had ME to depend on and I really didn't care about what the 3rd cousin said about the crazy old aunt.... I had REAL priorities to take care of!

Remember that God won't give you more than you can carry ..... He really, really won't. It may seem dark sometimes and I spent more than my share of time crying over things I couldn't control anyway, but it really does all work out.

I'm so sorry about what you are going through. I can imagine the fear and uncertainties you have right now, but Debi is right. God will not give you more than you can handle. I wish I could get my hands around that man's throat for what he's doing to you and your child. Trust me though, YOU WILL get through this and YOU WILL make it. Right now is the hardest time because you have just been dumped all of the responsability and that can be a scary thing. I'm sure that a huge amount of women on this site can relate to this. Not all of us have a special needs child, but we can totally relate to having 1 or several children, a home that we can no longer afford because there is now only one income and that is just the beginning. You and your child will need a lot of support from friends and family and for now, start cutting back on everything that is not a necessity and make sure that you get every dime of child and or spousal support that you can. Also, depending on your income and the needs of your child, there are programs that can help you. Such as cheaper daycare expenses and lunch programs. There are types of financial aid that can help in MANY areas for you including grants for your education. If you need an ear, feel free to pm me. I've been through this as well as most women I know.
Keep your chin and spirits up, because you are going to be just fine.
Amy (hugs and prayers to you and your child)

Thanks indydebi

I look up to you so your comment is so welcome. You have truly done well for yourself and you should be proud. I keep telling myself that this to will pass, yet i just be glad when it do.

tame,
It is going to get better... it's just going to take some TIME.

God Loves you and so do we!

hugs, hugs, & more hugs

xxxooo

I'm going to say this out in the open instead of in private incase there is someone else that needs to know this as well....

There are agencies that can help you with your bills as well as your daughter's needs. I'm not sure where you live but where I live there is something called Respite. Social Services has certified people that will "babysit" your children on weekends for you while you do things you need to do or if you just need a small break away from things. (not in a bad way but we all know raising kids on our own can be tiresome sometimes and sometimes we just want to sleep lol). I understand your daughter has very special needs but there may be someone who can help even if just for a few hours on the weekends while you take a part time job to get caught up.

There is also Food Stamps, Emergency Cash Assistance, Electric and Heating assistance, rental/mortgage payment, and day care assistance, in MOST states.

Social Services will NOT take your daughter from you for requesting assistance. That is why these programs are there and made available for everyone, so you can get a job and better your situation.

They will ask things such as is your husband paying child support to you? Is he helping with her medical bills? Is he helping with her care at all? Stuff like that. And if he isn't paying child support, since she is disabled (sorry just assuming) they'll put it into effect almost immediately. I'm also assuming you know about SSI/SSD (social security income/social security disability), if not look into it for your daughter.


As for your question.... it does get easier but it gets worse before it gets better. You'll climb out of this hole HE dug for your and threw you in, and when you and your daughter are back on top of that moutain looking down into that hole you'll feel so much better and you'll feel the biggest accomplishment is over... You can make it, you can do this for your daughter and yourself. If you have any friends or neighbors you trust with your daughter's care... try to find a part time job to take up the slack where the bills are hurting. I know you don't want to be away from her anymore then you have to be but she'll thank you for it all in the end when she sees what you're trying to do, to keep that perfect house for her and to keep her healthy and safe, she'll thank you for leaving her with a sitter or respite care worker for a few hours here and there. She'll understand.

If you ever need a shoulder please feel free to message me hun I've been there, at the very very bottom and we're still climbing that ladder to get out and we're almost there.... it takes time I won't lie it has taken us 10 years to get where we are and now we're falling back down but we're slowly climbing back up... it just takes time and patients

Good luck and many many hugs!
Becky

Unfortunately I don't have any advice to give, but I have said a prayer for you and your daughter and hope that things will get better quickly! I wish you all the best and will say that the advice you got from Debi and donnajf sounds good!

Thanks keonicakes


Everything you said is exactly what I am in fear of . Somtimes you can often feel that you are so along and even though i would not wish this on anyone it does give me strength to know that I am not the only one that is going thru this or had been thru it, I just can not seem to pick myself up from this downward mood that I am in right now. I am trying to pick myself up from this but i am just having a hard time during it.

This is why I love CC so much. There are so many wonderful people here. They have all given you either great advice or words of encouragement. After reading your post, I also thought of 1Cor 10:13, interpreted to mean, "God won't give you what you can't handle."

I'll keep you in my prayers tonight.

I think it is ok for you to get a little down in this situation ....the trick is to not stay there. Give yourself a night to cry and feel bad - I eat brownies and watch a real tear jerker - wallow in it ya know. Then the next day you have to pick yourself up and walk on. Your daughter is counting on you and we all know you will not let her down. Don't forget to think about her mother though. She needs you to be ok so she can be ok.
The words to a song are floating through my mind:
"The message of this moment is so clear and as certain as the rising of the sun. When your world is full of darkness, doubt, and fear...just hold on, hold on, there will be light.
Hold on....hold on.....hold on....the light will come!"
Keep your chin up - your in my prayers!

Guys



Thank-you so much for even caring, l love you guys


becky sue

I know I have to get it together we are all each other has and I am trying .I love the words to that song made me cry but this time it was a good cry
thank-you

I wish I could give you advise with your husband, but I can't. I can help with your daughter though. Each state has a department called similar to The Division of Seniors & Disabilities Servies. It is through the Health Services Division. The DSDS helps those with developmental and physical disabilities. You should also be able to apply for Medicaid, based on your income, or a supplimental medicsid program that is based on her income and disabilities. Through the DSDS you can get the respite care and possibly other services to help pay for any therapies she might need. Don't be ashamed to ask for this help. You alone are her strongest advocate and you will need to fight for everything she needs. I know this from personal experience with my special needs son. If you need more info on this, feel free to PM me or OhMyGoodies, as I think we can both help you.
Please remember that God loves and this is in no way to be considered a punishment of any kind. He just has something better for you on the other side of the river. Trust in Him. HTH

and I would add...that many states now have a program that will force the jerk to have to pay child support -- they'll take it from his paycheck before he gets the check and even take his tax refunds too.

check into it and all the social services that are there to help you and your daughter.

more prayers are w/ you.

first things first, I'm sorry for your loss and pain. But, the others are right when they told you "god doesn't give us more than we can carry".......Of course in the midst of termoil, that is a hard one to accept and understand. But, it's true.

"Seek the wisdom of the ages, but look at the world through the eyes of a child". Ron Wild quote.
Your child is your main focus. She is looking up to you, and you CAN step up to be what and who she needs. You can.

Every accomplishment starts with the decision to try. So, shoot for the moon, even if you miss, you'll land among the stars.

Don't wait until everything is just right. It will never be perfect. There will always be challenges, obstacles and less than perfect conditions. With each step you take, you will grow stronger, more skilled, more self confident and more successful. Find the courage to continue on.

Prayers to you and yours,
Mar

been here too hon! about 8 years ago, I was there too. i had an 18 month old son and a drug addict ex-husband with no job thus no support. i was making about $6 an hour struggling to make it. i finally had to move back home like indydebi and it sucked. i got foodstamps, my son got medicaid and i decided to go to college. i knew there was no way i could make it on my own on $6/hr. i finished a nursing degree and got my first job. the day of my first job i sat in front of the mirror crying because i had made it and i had done it on my own w/o my pos exhubby's help. i learned so much about myself and life during this time! i learned more in 2 years then i think i learned in 20 years! the most important thing i learned was my self worth and that i was stronger than i imagined myself to be! you are going to make it through this and when you do, you are gonna be one tough cookie! if you need anything at all pm me. there is a wealth of support here on cc, it's not just cakes! keep your chin up, it's gonna get better. i'll keep you and your daughter in my thoughts and prayers.

elle

You have every right to feel down in the dumps right now. How could you not? You are going to have to find it in yourself to be able to separate the situation w/ the husband and you and your daughters situation. You and your little girl are your priority. I watched tons of comedy movies to keep my mind off of everything and poured myself into my son. We watched the comedies, went to the park at sunset and played what we called midnight hide and seek. It was free and most of the movies were borrowed. I worked at the bank and barely was able to pay rent. I got help w/ daycare through the state. I pretty much gave the house to my ex just to escape him. I had to buy groceries on my credit card, but it was worth every cent of interest to be free of him.
I know several women that got tons of financial help from state agencies and there is no shame in that. Guess what? Look at one of your pay stubs, you've been paying in to get this help. I'm not sure what needs your daughter has, but one day she may be looking for a man and because of what she learned from you, she will know what to look for and what not to look for. Be patient, things will get better. Your in the midst of the hardest part and it does get easier. (emotionally and financially) Your going to be just fine and so is your daughter.
Amy

I'm not sure if you have done this or not, but social Security has a SSI program that gives you money to help with the needs of the dissabled. It is based on your wages. Another thing is is you sign up for any state program like medicaid, food stamps, cash assistance, they make you sign up at the child support office. The state then takes the parent to court. I had a girl I worked with that did this so she could start getting child support.

Just want you to know that my prayers are with you and your daughter. I know that God has a plan for the two of you and that you will come through this a much stronger person. I think the ladies who have been through this have given you some very good advice and I hope they will be an inspiration to you. God bless you and know that we are always here for you!!!

I know it is hard and these are trying times but your daughter needs you. Hang in there and fight to get all of the assistance that is available to you. My prayers are with you and I wish the best for you and your daughter.

I am so sorry that things are so rough for you right now. Give yourself one night to cry & thats it. No more tears pick yourself up & go full steam ahead. I am not going to pretend it's not going to be hard & exhausting but with help from friends & other sources & God you can do it. I know it looks really dark right now but just think there is always some one who is worse off than you. My sister's child hood friend lost her 2 month old son this past Tuesday. She was hospitalized at 5 months for 6 weeks due to premature labor. They had to have surgery to correct a problem he was having & he was not strong enough. Breaks my heart. Just thank God that you have your child & the two of you can get through this. I will be praying for you. What state are you located in?

You guys are something else!!!!!
Thank-you so much!

aunt ellie you should be proud and thank-you


keoncakes-when he walk away he wanted me to lose the house, he did not want it and did not want to see us in it either. He wanted me to sell the house so he could get some money out of it. He thought by it being almost three months behind I would be force to sell it. If you ask me how I have been able to maintain it a whole year it has to be through the grace of god Everyone has pretty much told me that there is no way I can afford this house on my income but they are not looking at what I am looking at this house has became our home, my daughther has a ramp, the rooms are big enough for her medical equipment and I don't have to worry about her being in anyones way because she is at home. You just don't know the struggle i have been though just over the year just to maintain a roof over both our heads. Another reason is his family became my family and they were really the only ones that dealt with my daughter. Now I am total on my own which is a lot of weight to carry for 1 person. I have been putting in application for a second job and its just that nothing has came through yet. I am aware of the respite and I hoping that will help me when i have to work this other job. I won't to say i hate him but god said that you should not hate anyone so i would just say that I hate the state that he left me in. I am not upset to much about him anymore I more worry about just trying to survive. I have done all I can do so I just put it and his gods hands for now. I just wish my mom was still here today.

Tame, I am on the other side of the world, so I can't give you specific advice, but then other people already have.
I'm just reassuring you that there are official agencies out there that can help, both financially and on a more personal (but still very important) level, to give you respite care for your daughter, so that you can have a little time to yourself. Your situation is exactly what they were designed for - to help a loving family keep it together.
You have done incredibly well already. You are obviously very strong and talented, and its ok to feel a little down sometimes.
Dear girl, not one of us can replace your mother, but we can hold out our hands to you in love.

We're here for you.

Everyone is so right God doesn't give us more than we can bear and He says when we can't that He will be our strength. He is faithful. I know from personal experience that He always makes a way. I pray peace and guidance for you. Debbie Jo

I'm soo sorry for your situation.

I know that from what I'm reading you sound like you've hit rock bottom and could do with a guardian angle to pick you up out of that hole. If I was there I would stop by in heart beat, but unfortuntley I'm an ocean away. What you need right now is a friend whom can help you go through all those forms and is willing just to sit with you to make sure that you are ok. If you've made it through a year you can go on making it more years to come.

There is no shame in asking for Governmental aid and respite, I would seek it as soon as possible, there are people out there who are there to help you in your situation.

I know I'm only a newbie on this forum but have belong to another forum for years where us women wouldnt think twice about stepping up to help another women out in need. So I'm asking this and I hope I do not offend anyone here but is there anyone who lives near enough to stop by and give you that hug that you need and help pick you up.

Rach

I am so sorry that you are in this situation. I have work with special needs individuals and that is a challage for anyone no matter how much you love them.

I don't know if you have any extra rooms in your house but maybe you could rent a room out to help you with your cost of living.

Tame,

You and your daughter are in my thoughts. I know it's hard, but you have to think positive. See the big picture - what you want your life to be, not what it appears to be right now. Be grateful of the things you have NOW, not what you don't want. Visualize bigger and better things. Thinking negative will only bring you down more.

Two great books are "Live Your Best Life Now, " by Joel Osteen or "The Secret." Very inspiring books. One religious, the second not so much.

Hugs,
Diana in VA

You guys are the greatest !!!!

I would like you to know that your comments are so well taken and just thank you for taking the time give them.


Honeybearcreek- you are so right, I did try to keep a positive attitude yet this last months has just been a bummer. I am grateful for what i have and I do have faith , I guess i just fell off that bandwagon for a second. Thank you and I will get those books....

Check with Area 9 Agency on Aging in your community. They are not just for "old people".

My sister, who passed away last March of cancer, was only 42 but needed at home care. My other sister, who was her guardian, contacted Area 9 for assistance in home care and other things they could help with.

So just because it says "Aging" in the title, doesn't mean they can't help your daughter.

Oh.... have you contacted a lawyer yet to protect your interest in the house? You've been making the payments for the last year, but if his name is still on it, he is entitled to half of the "profit" when/if you ever sell it. As you build the equity, he's sitting back "collecting" his half of it.

And I'm not sure how this all works, but if his name is on it, he might (might!) be able to get a second mortgage without you knowing it. I would think that if your name was on the house, you'd have to sign also, but I've heard too many horror stories in this area to take anything for granted.