I'm So Mad At My Husband - Long And Need To Vent
Decorating By imartsy Updated 11 Sep 2007 , 5:47am by sweetness_221
I agree with so many statements on here especially the ones that men have to be treated like children!
My sister has a saying: Men will live as filthy as their wife will let them. Meaning if wife doesn't clean the house, most men doen't care and will live in a pigpen rather than clean it up. So if you're waiting for them to see the mess and clean it up....forget it. As long as they have a TV with a remote, a bathroom with a sports magz, and a good supply of beer, they are happy.
I'm not sure I'm on board with the "being the bigger person and picking it up yourself" theory.
Men QUICKLY learn "If I dont' do it, she will, so why should I?"
I got sick of being the only one to clean our bathroom .... especially since it was Man-Mess. I'm not the one who created little yellow spots on the floor by the toilet (geesh, they brag about what they can do with that thing, but that can't aim and hit inside a toilet bowl!), or a LOT of hair in the sink from shaving, or shaving cream that dried on the side of the sink. And how in the he** do you spit toothpaste all over the mirror when you brush yoru teeth? And then not see it and wipe it off????
When I complained about it, his only answer was "I'm not the only one who uses that bathroom!"
So I moved out of our bathroom. Moved all my stuff to the general bathroom and I share it with my daughter. His bathroom .... his mess .... he can clean it up. I. WILL. NOT. TOUCH. IT.
And he doesn't clean it ..... Oh he might clean it ..... once every blue moon! His idea of cleaning the tub is buying a new shower curtain!
I used to travel alot with my job and he was great about cleaning and doing household stuff ... when I was gone. And he threw that up to me one time. I said, "So if I'm working 40 hours+ a week and traveling, then you'll pitch in and "help". But if I'm working 40+ hours a week and not traveling, then you figure you dont' have to do jack squat around here, is that what I'm hearing????"
And why do they call it "Helping"? When the WIFE is cleaning the house, she's not "helping".
Oh.....and as far as his day off and why doesn't he do it then? Because .....
WHen a woman has a day off, she has to spend it catching up on all the stuff that she can't get to when she's working since no one else lifts a finger to do anything! But hell, when a man has a day off, he does nothing because Hey! ..... it's his Day Off!
So what's the answer?
Men .... can't live with 'em .... can't shoot 'em. Well, you COULD, but then you'd have to clean up after 'em ONE MORE TIME!!!!!!!!
It absolutely sucks! I know cause I have the same guy living with me. I have to admit that I don't have any sage advice. I can only tell you what has been working out so far. the first thing is to try not to take his inability to clean toooo personally. I realized that the reason I would get so mad at him was because I felt that he thought I was a piece of dirt under his shoe, didn't love me enough to help me clean and was virtually slapping me in the face by not picking up his socks. He was quite startled to learn how hurt I was and how personally I took the fact that he left his socks on the floor.
I asked him "If we are both exhausted and something needs to be done but you decide to go to bed before you have to do it who does that leave?" I appealed to his sense of fairness and that seemed to work for a while but eventually it wore off. I then appealed to his love for me and respect for our relationship. "I want you to be happy. Don't you want me to be happy too? How can I be happy if I am constantly getting stuck doing the things that neither of us wants to do?" and when that stopped working . . . . . I finally said "IF YOU WANT TO GET LAID ANYTIME DURING THIS CENTURY YOU BETTER START TAKING OUT THE DAMN GARBAGE CAUSE I'M HAVING TROUBLE GETTING IT UP FOR SOMEBODY THAT CONSTANTLY DISREGARDS MY FEELINGS" Do you know what he said . . . him said "Make a list of the things you want me to do and how often."
They really are simple creatures. Their actions don't have complex motives. They aren't trying to be deliberate they just don't think. We have to break it down slowly (preferably in writting) and repeat often.
We have been together for 10 years and unfortunately thi sissue continues to pop up. Albeit not as often and not as heated a discussion.
Good Luck! chin up and don't divorce over what you can fix. It dpoes get better you just have to figure out how to REALLY get his attention.
I totally agree with kansaslaura!!
You have to be the better person and take charge of YOUR HOME!! My DH is a wonderful, caring person who works a lot of 12 - 14 hour days and usually Saturdays too!! We have been married 26 years and I have yet to pay for a repairman for anything!! He can fix it all. HOWEVER, he is completely clueless about his stacks of magazines, mail, tools, whatnots, pocket supplies, etc!! If he sets it down -- he expects it to be there in 5 minutes or in 5 days!!
When the kids were still home I got to where we had the 1 hour cleanup on Sundays after Church. Everyone gave me 1 hour of their time - we divided the chores and went at it. I usually took the yuckiest/hardest jobs - but that was okay - at least I got 4 hours of cleaning done in an hours time. Now that we are down to about a 1/2 child (1 home on weekends and summer right now - the other pretty well on her own in college with summer classes and clinicals) the chores are not as daunting. But DH still leaves a massive amount of paperwork and magazines around - until I finally get fed up and start stacking them some place he can't find them. Then in a couple of weeks I'll find him rushing around his normal stacking places trying to 'find' his stashes and they aren't there!! He knows that once I tell him where they are - he has to cull through them and get rid of them!! I guess I hold his crap hostage!!LOL!!
I tell DH that I'm not his mother and I don't have to cook his meals, do his laundry and clean his house -- I do it because I love him and respect him and I expect the same in return. If I don't feel like I'm getting that-- then the ____ hits the fan and he is soon cleaning the bathtub!!
I will pray for you and hope that you find an amicable resolution to your problems.
boy this sounds like mine and the two teens (boys) lol... suzy i just love your idea of an hour per person once a week. i've been battling my family to lift a finger to help me out with the house since they make the majority of the mess and i deal with arthritis (even at my age) i can't bend over to get stuff most times. and i'm tired of battling the kids to help out even with the dishwasher.
so since recently we've been trying to start a family day where we go to the town down river where all our shoping stuff is done (this is northern idaho remember lol) we decided to do a movie lunch and we have to do shopping anyways.. hubby and i agreed we'd do this on payday which is 2x a month but family clean up hour will be once a week. the family will just have to schedule their lives around those two events.
now not dissing my own family 
my inlaws; all of them etc we're very family oriented and we do lots of family bbq's etc together which i just Love (my own growing up would do nothing together including extended family) but we rarely get to do anything with just the 4 of us- and with our teens soon turning 14 and 16 there's not alot of time left to do these things as a family unit. I want to recapture those bonds we used to have when they were little- or at least try.
I tolld the kids it wasn't going to be alot- just something we all enjoy and can do together and that one hour work isnt going to break their back lol. it will at least put more focus on their own responsibility at home. i mean they have no problem hauling hay and wood for uncles and grandpa's but when it comes to home life heck with the mess; what mess? lol
well mom's tired of it. time for some one else to scrub the noxious fumes once formerly known as a toilet- there's 8 elbows in this house- lets get 'em greased up 
and us cc folks here know plenty about grease eh? 
Lists girls lists!!! Men are blind to messes (except some like my dad, the only man I know who puts his clothes in the hamper!) The DH and I often work different shifts, days that he is home I leave him lists of things to do. Works like a charm, I can get him to do a few things, then I dont mind throwing the clothes in the laundry for him.
Many times my lists are, please unload dishwasher and lay on the couch the rest of the day! Or today you have to go to the movies. Especially when I travel for work, I put money aside and hire someone to clean the day before I come home, then there are no fights when I walk in the door and we can spend time doing...other things
I hope I don't repeat anything already said, I haven't read many of the responses.
I am no expert and God knows I fight with mine way too much and always over stupid little things...but my mom always says they are little things that can't be decisive factors in a whole relationship and family.
So, can you afford to pay someone to come clean the house once a week? Perhaps you can have someone come in and help you clean up all the initial big clean up and ten maintain every week.
If he has bad habits maybe you can change a few here and there, little by little, but the bulk will remain. But maybe if you can be after him on a daily basis, and not let things pile up, then you won't lose control.
And the fact that he missed you says he loves you so little messy habits don't change that.
Hope things get better.
As I read your original post, the only thing I could think about was that I'm totally the one who can't seem to get it together in the housework dept. I really related to your husband. That is totally embarrassing to admit. Thank the Lord my DH doesn't ever berate me and puts up with me and we do have a great marriage--probably because he is so magnanimous.
When we were first married and both working, I used to tell him, "If I didn't go to work all day, I wouldn't mind doing all the housework!" But, it turns out that when I was home all the time, I didn't like doing it either. I have better and worse times, I have been in a real slump the past few months.
Having a kind of ADD and haphazard approach brings on a lot of anxiety when stuff piles up and it's overwhelming and I don't really feel like I know where to begin. I was not taught to keep house, and my house looks a heck of a lot better than the one I grew up in, so I feel like I'm a little bit in the positive balance.
Men can have a lot of stress they may not let on about. To them, their job is who they are, so if things aren't going great at work, it affects them a lot. Also, they take seriously their responsibility to provide for a family, so with the move and everything, he might feel like he's in unfamiliar waters.
My husband hates doing plumbing, so he puts things off in that dept longer than I want. But whenever I suggest hiring a plumber--if he dislikes it that much he can be off the hook--he gets around to doing it knowing it's saving us some money.
He also cleaned the garage out before he left on business this week after I told him I would be really "appreciative" 
if I could park in the garage while he was gone.
I hope you enjoyed ICES. I know you will work everything out for the move. Our differences are what attract us to each other. If 2 people in a relationship are exactly the same, then one of them is unnecessary.
My answer to your post may not be one that you like. First of all, was your husband a slob when you married him? If he was, it didn't matter, because you were "in love", and love blinds everyone from the reality of things. I hear all the time, things will change, or I will be able to get him to do this and that. What you married, is...what you got. Since I have not heard his side of the story and there is one, it sounds like you are both at fault if their is a fault. I have found that when we start in a relationship, all the things that we think are so cute, soon become thorns in our sides, if he or she has a quirk or bad habit, I guarantee you it will compound in the years to come. I see maybe a priority issue. You are planning on moving and have some projects to work on before being able to show the house, yet you were at the ICES convention, expecting him to pick up some of the ball on chores and getting ready to move. Are you letting some things you want to do interfere with what really needs to be done?The bag at the top of the stairs? Why was it left there? Sounds like you both just kept walking over it. Are you a nag? Sounds like you get mad at him for not pitching in. Do you work? If so, then both of you need to come to some sort of compromise, without the boxing gloves. If you don't work out of the home, then what do you do? Obviously you decorate cakes, ...don't know if its for extra money, your busness, or just a hobby. If it is a hobby, why is it not O.K. for him to watch T.V. if thats what he likes to do. I always feel that in a relationship, you must have time for yourself, time together, and time as a family, and it sounds like you are in constant turmoil because things aren't like they were in the beginning. My last point, if you are at home, and he works, his day if filled with what he does, he maybe a salesperson, an accountant, a contruction worker, it does not matter. However, he is exposed to the"outside world" you, on the other hand" the inside world". There can be many miles between worlds, and that distance, which I shall call personal growth, maturity, self-esteem and love is challenged by one partner getting stagnet in growth and the other moving fast in the other direction, at some point, the distance becomes so far apart that you get lost. Find each other again. May your prayers be answered.
Oh cupcake how true is that. Two worlds trying to live together. I'm like Leta and being at home doesn't make me like housework any more than when I work. I get frustrated that the 7.6hr my DH works makes him think he should be absolved from any duties in the house. I'm sucking it up at the moment because I have written it down and told him but he doesn't listen and or understand. I just get on with my own life and he doesn't notice now that I'm not in it whole heartedly but hopefully he will.
Thank you everyone for replying. Sorry I couldn't get back to you all sooner.
We've had plenty of fights over this. When we were first married - he actually took the trash out and changed the toilet paper on the roll and I was so ecstatic over that! And I THANKED him. Guess how many times he's thanked me for cleaning up something??
Then, after the wedding - after we knew we weren't expecting people over on a certain day, everything went down hill. I honestly had no idea he was such a slob. His mom has MS and is in a home, so his grandmother raised him. His dad died before he was born, so his grandfather was his male-family figure. I never met his grandfather, but I did meet his grandmother and all he ever does is complain about her.....while she has her faults, I'm starting to see why she might have gotten so frustrated with him before too... when we met he was living w/ an aunt and didn't have much stuff at her house - but also didn't have big closets or a dresser or anything, so I figured b/c he DIDN'T have anywhere to put his stuff, it was a bit all over his room - but it stayed in his room.
I tried to give him a "messy" room taht I wouldn't enter - unfortunately, the only room that would work with is the room that my computer is in - yes mine, he won't get his fixed. And that's the only place we have Internet connection. I'm hoping in the next house we have wireless.
Last night, I started cleaning that room b/c I'm so sick of hearing him say he would clean it. He always says he'll clean it. He asked me why I did and I said ti was b/c he said the realtor might come over Friday - and had NO IDEA why I was so upset at this idea as the house is an utter mess. So I started to just take pillows out of the room b/c there are a ton in there and that's when I started to clean a few other things - and found rotten oranges, broken glass, clothes all over, a book of mine buried under a ton of stuff, and I just kept going - just to get the stuff off th floor so I could vacuum it for the first time in a while...... so when he gets home, he doesn't say anything like "wow you've been working hard, thanks for helping" - he says "why did you do that? I said I was gong to do it tomorrow" - and I said "well you say that a lot. You say you're going to clean it, you say you're going to mow the lawn, etc. etc..... and I got tired of waiting." He knew I was upset and I told him I couldn't talk about it right now b/c I have a class to teach today and I didn't want puffy eyes. So he kept bugging me and bugging me and that's when I said that. I just said I'm tired of the house being a mess all the time. Then he got really angry and started yelling and I just walked out of the room and went to bed. He slept upstairs.
I don't want to treat my husband like a child - that came up in marriage counseling - that I shouldn't try to treat him like a child. Well next visit I'm going to explain more of WHY I feel I have to treat him like a child - b/c I feel like I'm living w/a teenager!!
We don't have kids by the way - the mess is all his..... I don't know right now if there were other questions I didn't get to answer.... sorry, just wanted to write a quick response - I gotta go teach now. Thank you for all of your support and your prayers. They mean a lot.
Oh other thing - I don't want to be the one to pick up all the time - that's why things have sat around so long - b/c I had hope one day he'd actually follow through and put stuff away.... and I don't want to pick it up to the point where he thinks, "oh if i just leave it, she'll eventually pick it up"..... I want him to be responsible himself and pick up after himself.... okay really gotta run now... tahnk you all I'll check back later!
I have been reading alot of Gary Smalley books. He is a counselor and has good insight into how to motivate your hubby to help and do loads of other stuff we need them to do. Artsy your very close to me pm me and I'll send you 2 of his books I have already . They do work and they do help you to understand the why and what fors. It is Christian based, just to let you know. But the principles are all encompassing as far as the men go.
No one is perfect but if we work on our expectations and feelings with each other and just take that first step, it does make it better.
I'm sendin you big hugs and do pm me if you want those books, they are free.
I think I need to say something else lol....
Since we just moved into our house in March we were forced to move in before the house was finished being painted and stuff. So instead of being able to come in and unpack and sort and decorate we've had to deal with having rooms that aren't painted that need it and having our stuff still in boxes and still packed up and having too much to do at once. Hubby is working 10's now so he's off Friday Saturday and Sunday. He does a majority of the work around the house because I was fed up. The last house we lived in was my parent's home and my mother is the laziest person in the world. My father waits on her hand and foot and takes care of the grand kids they have guardianship over and all she does it work. He does everything now that we are gone. Before when we were there, I did the laundry, I cleaned the house (3 story house), I took the kids (my sisters 3 and my 1) back and forth to every single appointment they had because she "couldn't take off work" even though her boss is very understanding to the situation and gave her the ok to leave at the drop of a hat....
Anyway... I got fed up with doing everything at my mothers and he started helping by doing the laundry. We both got used BAD by my mother. To the extent that we were doing laundry all day and all night every single day/night 7 days a week and never able to do our own laundry, having the house almost ready we would bring out laundry here and wash it on the weekends while we were working. She told me she'd help me with my house... hasn't done anything doesn't even come visit has been here 1 time and that was to drop off a list of songs she needed put on a cd and to bitch about how messy my house was. I looked her dead in her eyes and with all the respect I could muster and said "You have your nerve now please leave" my house I don't need to take her crap anymore. She still has christmas decorations up all over the house because no one will help her. Her idea of help is sitting back and dictating and telling you what to do. So we refuse. She takes off friday and monday (twice now she's done that) to put christmas away and of course it's not been put away... Anyway...
I told my husband I needed a break just a little while where I don't have to do everything in the house by myself. So we started with the if I cook you wash the dishes and if you cook I'll wash the dishes.... that lasted 3 days... then for 2 months I was cooking and washing dishes and now embarassed to admit it my kitchen looks disgusting! (haven't had orders so no biggie right now lol) I figured on his days off (fridays) he'd help me out but no he sits on his butt all day and doesn't help me and I've gotten sick of it. Our daughter is 8 now and she is old enough to clean up after herself and she refuses... I think she got my mom into her a little lol. But everytime we make plans to get things straight something else comes up.
My point with all this rambling is maybe there's just tooooooo much to be done that it's overwhelming him to the point of sitting back and staring at it... we have to clean out the shed, pack up winter clothes, (just to unpack again in 2 months lol) finish painting the ENTIRE inside of this 2 story 4 bedroom house, lay new tile in the kitchen, do this do that do this do that... so much to be done and we just can't get it done... we don't know where to start..... laundry is always taken care of lmfao... but dishes.... and we have a damn dishwasher... so maybe today I can get him to help me out by asking nicely....
And there is always the whole "No nukky for you if you don't help me around here" threat but from the sounds of your current relationship that may not even be able to be threatened lol.... I would basically just try to come to an agreement with him, you help me out and I'll help you out, we'll do it together, and we'll get it done alot quicker and we'll both be happier in the end. Yes it's mess from both of us so we both need to clean it up (even if it isn't your mess hun maybe it's best to say part is and it doesn't look like your raggin on him so bad)....I dunno I just wish I had the answers for ya.... maybe do what... I think it was Debi.. someone moved out of the bedroom and into another room in the house... basically left their husband lmfao... maybe you need to do something drastic like that to make him realize he needs to help out....
This is a really interesting thread. I've read every post and there's some excellent advice and insight from so many people.
I used to have some of the same issues with my husband, as well as many others. One day I realized (had the "Oprah Ah Ha" moment) that the only person who was miserable was me, he wasn't bothered at all. I decided to just do things my way and stop stressing over it all. It was difficult at first, when I was picking up his clothes or lugging out the garbage, as well as working and taking care of 3 kids, but somehow doing it my way made it easier. I also made a point to be pleasant and loving and not critisize. He noticed. He started helping out, asking if there was anything he could do. I think he felt left out. It seemed the less I nagged and complained and the more I was loving and sweet the more he wanted to be around me and the more helpful he was. There are still times he neglects things, but now a gentle reminder will usually get things back on track.
Someone once told me "A woman marries a man hoping he will change, a man marries a woman hoping she won't". I don't know how true this is, but it makes sense. For me, once I stopped trying to change my husband or control him he changed on his own. It really is true that we can't control someone else behavior, we can only control our own behavior and how we react to their's. If you always react the same way to your husbands behavior then he will continue that behavior. Try acting/reacting differently and see if it helps. I'll keep you in my prayers.
Hi all. Just wanted to thank you again for sharing your stories and tips and wisdom.
I understand about just letting it go and doing everything myself... but there are some things I CAN'T do - for instance, decide if he needs a piece of mail or not, or decide whether or not he needs to keep crap from his previous job.... b/c I've TRIED to throw things out and he gets mad.... but he doesn't change.
It's not that I "hoped" he would change when I got married - it's that I "thought" he was a cleaner person..... I've definitely had my eyes open. It's just that he says he's going to do something and then doesn't do it so often. It took almost a year to get rid of our first Christmas tree b/c he kept saying he would do it and didn't - so my mom finally came and bagged it and took it.
You're right about him not caring at all. And he can't understand why i care so much. My feeling is that he doesn't have to understand why i care, he doesn't even have to care himself - but he does have to clean up after himself - not only to show me he loves me, and takes pride in his house, but b/c he's a grown adult and should know how to clean up after himself.
I don't want to do it all. That's how my mom & dad are - she does EVERYTHING.... and she's so tired and she pushes herself a lot and I don't want to be like that. I thought I was marrying a partner - not a child I have to clean up after. We've had several talks about it and it usually ends up with him mad and me in tears..... we have marriage counseling on Tuesday, I'll try to get back with you all after that.
Thanks again.
I think you should stop trying to do it when he's not there. You start to fume and it's all downhill from there. Believe me this happens with my 14 yo all the time. If I'm not in the house, all bets are off. I am tired of being disappointed and teed off all the time, so I just adjusted my expectations to not expecting anything to be done while I'm away (except he watch his younger brothers). Then I have him do things when I'm there.
I think if you just said to your husband that you want to help him and that it's time to get the mess cleaned--or have him tell you when he wants to start it, you could do it together. You could ask him: is this staying or going? Have a bag for trash and a box for goodwill, and anything else needs to be put away or must have a place assigned to it. When he has someone to show him the way to begin, he may not feel to overwhelmed by the task.
Even just getting him started, you may be able to step out after a bit and go get your manicure. but maybe best to keep your expectations low to begin with. Then after he does it even if it's not completely perfect, tell him how much it means to you.
You catch more flies with honey than vinegar. Believe me that the guys out there are not necessarily better than the one you have. You may get one that's cleaner, but he'll have something else that bugs you.
Good luck!
Well I just had a break down lol... and an opening in my house lol.... I went to attempt to make a cake for a friend of hubby's that he works with as a thank you for fixing my computer.
I go out, I wash the counters down, I start to get things straight and here he is trying to unload the dishwasher and piles wet dishes on the clean area I just cleaned and dried. I was scrubing everything down and trying to find places to "work" at when I just snapped lol.. my back kinked up and I threw the rag down and walked away. He followed and asked what was wrong and I told him I was tired of living like this and that he needed to help me. Instead of running the dishwasher and waiting 2 hours for the dishes to get cleaned then dried wash them by hand, we have two dish drainers for drying wash them by hand it gets them done alot quicker! I shouldn't have to stand in the kitchen with a bad back and slipped and shattered discs and clean everything insight before I can prepare even a simple bowl of cereal or ice cream for our daughter... I should be able to reach in the cabinet get a bowl, open the drawer get a spoon, and make the food... not wash a bowl, wash a spoon, clean the counter, then prepare the food... so he gets all defensive and starts telling me how lazy "I" am and how lazy our daughter is and I just looked at him and said "fine if you don't like how things are done here pack your stuff and leave there is the door and it's always open" he just looked at me in shock because that's not something I've said in a very very long time since before we got divorced lol... I told him that's not what I wanted but what I do want is for him to help me out. He may work all day everyday outside the house but what the hell does he think I do? How does he think his daughter gets taken care of? The magical invisible nanny? I cooked dinner last night for the first time in weeks.... (he's been cooking because I refuse to step foot in the kitchen looking like that) they both said how good it was and etc and asked me why I don't cook more often.... Ummmm I wonder!? So now I'm waiting on him to change the dishes in the dishwasher one more time (3rd time today - very small compact portable apartment sized dishwasher) and while they are washing I plan to make the cake for his friend and the cupcakes I planned on taking to the craft store I buy my supplies at because the girls are so sweet and deal with me almost weekly when I can afford to lol...
But yeah maybe ya just need to spazz when he's home lmfao be right in the middle of things and spazz, grab your keys and purse, and head out for a ride and don't tell him where you're going, treat yourself to a nice dinner, and come home late if the house is still a wreck then you need to lay down the law plain and clear if he doesn't get off his lazy butt and help clean up the mess he made then he needs to leave the house, weather he sleeps out in his truck/vehicle, or in the dog house, literally, or moves in with a buddy that's just as big a pig as he is (pig like living not a weight issue lol) but something needs to change... once you lay down the law plain and clear stick to it if he doesn't start helping and changing.... force it. He is a grown man and needs to learn to pick up after himself. Not only is it embarassing to friends, family, and customers, but it's unhealthy to live in that.
Thanks again - I am checking this periodically.
I have tried to put stuff in piles and ask him to go through it - and I've tried to ask, "do you need this, can I toss this" and he usually gets mad - b/c when he gets home he wants to "relax" and not "deal with this stuff".... yeah well all fine and dandy except that it HAS to get done..... there are no magic cleaning fairies or anything like that to take care of stuff.....
Well I'll try to update you all after this weekend or Tuesday after counseling. Again, I appreciate all the time you all have taken to reply to this post.
Thanks again - I am checking this periodically.
I have tried to put stuff in piles and ask him to go through it - and I've tried to ask, "do you need this, can I toss this" and he usually gets mad - b/c when he gets home he wants to "relax" and not "deal with this stuff".....
Did any of you ever try to clean out a toybox with the kid right there? EVERYTHING you touch is the "Oh, I've been LOOKING for that!" item. Same with husbands.
here's what I do and it WORKS!!!
Good example: Hubby likes to buy new cell phones every time the contract renews. He HAS to keep the box, the paperwork, the how-to book ..... it's SO important! But he keeps in in the store bag, next to his chair, in the living room. So after a week or so, I move the bag to the closet.....out of sight, but available. After a month or so, I go thru the closet and throw everything out.
He never misses it.
Once, I told him this was my method and he said, "Oh my god what have you thrown out?" I said: "No....we're not playing that game. You tell me what you're missing and I'll tell you if I threw it out."
One time there was an accoridan folder that he brought home from work that he "needed" in our home office. It sat next to his recliner forever. I actually wrote the date on it to see just how long it would sit there. I'm not kdding .... it was 6 months and I gave in ..... and threw it in the trash.
If you want to keep it, you put it away. 'Coz you may not LIKE where *I* put it! 
Hey all. Well we just tried to have a talk.... I say "tried" b/c I don't know how to get through to him. I told him how disgusted I was finding the rotting stuff - and how tired I am of him not picking things up for months. And he still said "but I was going to do it tomorrow" - I'm sorry, but I swear I've heard that line before - i couldn't exactly give him a specific example... like on "such a such a date at 2:00 PM you said you would do this....."..... I did say that he always seems to pick the days that it's going to rain to mow the lawn - and it always has to be one of his "off" days from work - but he can't seem to try to mow the lawn the 8 hours before it rains.... no he seems to wait until the very last second and then it rains...... and then he has an excuse.....
I've told him how I can't relax when I come into the house and have to step over things - and how I didn't think it was unreasonable to be able to walk up the stairs, walk into the room where the computer is, and be able to sit down - without having to step over a lot of stuff, then move 4 cans, 3 plates, 2 glasses, 5 candy wrappers, and a bag of chips.....
And I told him how hurt I was that when I came home from ICES it didn't seem like he had done anything....
So now he's using that whole excuse that b/c I was so mad about cleaning last night that now he doesn't want to move. So instead of finishing cleaning stuff up today or doing anything - he decided not to do anything at all. So I asked why we had to wait until we want to move to clean and to fix broken stuff, etc.... why can't it be nice for us????? I know this isn't our dream house - it was never supposed to be - and yes, there isn't a lot of room - but that doesn't mean you can't use the room you have wisely, and that doesn't mean you can't keep the house nice so that it's pleasant to live in while you do live in it.....
I don't know I'm just so tired of it all. Thank you all so much for letting me write here - sometimes it helps to write it all out and to hear from others. I just don't have a lot of close friends - just my mom and she's as fed up w/ this as I am - b/c she hears all the time how frustrated I am - and b/c she's actually seen the house - and smelled it before I removed the oranges, or smelled it b/c he cooked something on our mini grill and hasn't cleaned it in 3 days, or b/c there's bags of garbage sitting out waiting to be taken to the trash can and he won't do it..... so anyway, thank you all. I truly appreciate being able to let this out to someone - somewhere. And I truly truly appreciate any of you praying for our relationship. I'll say a prayer for all of your relationships as well. Thank you.
Oh wait had more to add - by the way, this whole conversation took place AFTER I cleaned up the living room, did dishes, laundry, and made him dinner... and he has the audacity to tell me if I don't want to make dinner, I should just eat out....... yeah I don't want to live a life of fast food....
oops third edit.... i just also remembered - after this "fun" fight, he tells me he's going to bed b/c he's going out to a movie w/ friends tonight at 10 - gee thanks.
...any work he did around the house was him being MY maid. If I had to run errands, he was "babysitting" MY kids.
Good luck!
Wow, that sounds so much like my husband. Once I look pass those things though, he is an incredible husband and father. Very generous and kind. Humorous too and he never makes any decision without asking my input first.
OK. Here's what you need to do:
Bring his hiney to the computer, show him this discussion and make him read it. He will see your side and if he wants, he can tell us his side.
Of course we will be open minded, listen to his side of the story and tell him what we think.
Ok, I guess I really should ask what are his good qualities? As I stated above my husband won't help clean at all and reluctantly "babysits" his own kids, but he really is remarkable otherwise and that is what keeps us together. Oh, we really do love each other, but sometimes we both feel like we could use a break. Many things are overwhelming and I think we often forget the other person's point of view. My husband never makes even a simple decision without me. He respects and values my opinion and that is priceless. Sometimes marriage is a trade off. Surely there must be other things about your husband that you adore. Focus on the good. I have resolved myself to knowing that my husband will never help around the house, but he is so supportive of me in so many other ways. Sometimes we have to overlook the things that we don't like. I urge you to reevaluate the good in your husband and be thankful for that. You'll be a lot happier.
Give him a deadline to pick up and put away whatever he wants and then after that whatever you do with it he'll have to live with. I think you've done enough talking and he's obviously not listening. If he doesn't want to pull his weight then maybe he needs to go home to Mom and let her wipe his behind for him. Enough is enough. He needs to decide if he wants a Mother or a Wife.
Adonisthegreek1: you put it so much better than I did or could, sounds like we are married to the same man! I adore my husband, faults and all. He makes me crazy sometimes, but I wouldn't have him any other way.
It saddens me that you're going through this - a lot of you. I have a great husband, great - but he's a slob too. When we first moved in together, I was cleaning all the time, and I'd get mad if things weren't perfect. (So many years of living alone, it's hard to change LOL) I've come to a realization - he's never going to pick up after himself, and the more I nag him, the less he does. Unfortunately, I've gotten a bit lazy too, and don't put stuff away as much as I used to, but it's still better than what he does. I clean the places I want to be - the living room, kitchen, craft room, etc. The other places where he goes - his side of the room, our guest room, part of the craft room, etc - is a mess. Let him live with it. Yes, it bugs me, and I'd love to have a show home and have everything in it's place, but that's not my husband, and truly, it's not me either. There's no excuse for being dirty - that's where I draw the line, and my DH's not dirty, just leaves stuff around. I agree with others about the list - if I leave my husband a list of things to do, he typically accomplishes most of them. Of course, I can get WAY more done in 2 hours than that man can, but isn't that just the difference between the sexes. (Doug, close your ears here, because this probably doesn't apply to you! LOL) I make piles of stuff for my husband, and then when he asks me where something is, I'll tell him it's in one of his piles he has yet to do anything with. I've tried to convince him to clean his rooms for my birthday or Christmas presents, and he still won't - lazy bastard. Ooops, sorry! I don't mean that I call everyone a lazy bastard! LOL Anyway - my point here, sorry so long getting to it, is, I'd much rather have my husband home with me, leaving a mess around than out at the bars, always gone and not wanting to be a part of our relationship. He means the world to me, and I can't imagine my life without him - him and his messes. I told my DH that when we go to sell our house, he's going to have to move out! Send your husband to his mom's house, check out a couple of how to books from your local library, clean the house and get it sold! Hang in there!!!!
Collect all of the things he lays around the house in a day. Put it on his side of the bed. EVERYTHING! Laundry, dishes, games, paperwork. when it's time to go to bed he'll wonder why you left it there. Keep putting it there. Let his side pile up.
I sure wish I liked woman, cause sometimes men are a pain in the arse.
Geez, he sounds like my dad. My mom did all the housework AND the yard work for YEARS, and even when she went and got a full time job, he expected her to do everything- so he could sit on his A** That is, until I was old enough and I was expected to help her do everything. "housework is women's work" was his philosophy.
Some people say that daughters marry men like their fathers. In my case it isn't true. I told my husband if he didn't carry 50% of the burden...his A** was out the door. I refuse to be beaten down, wore out, just to take care of an over grown CHILD. Although he needs a little reminding sometimes, he does really well.
After 30 years my mom wisened up and told Dad to hit the road, cause she was done being his mother.
That you got him to agree to go to marriage counseling is great. I like the idea of reinforcing your demands with "no sex for you if you don't do what i need you to do." Marriage counseling is a good step in the right direction!
But I have to say this, If after all the counseling, and nothing works....tell Bubba-slob to hit the road! I don't care how traditional you might be, no woman deserves to be treated as a MAID, a NANNY, A MOTHER to her own husband!!!!! These days marriage is a 50-50 proposition, and if he doesn't want to pull his weight, then you need to lose a few pounds (i.e. him!)
Keep your chin up!
Aimee, I love your take on this. You are right, it should be a partnership. My DH doesn't expect me to do anything for him, he just doesn't do anything for himself either. I fear for what our house would look like if I didn't live here! LOL I think vinyl flooring, a drain in the floor and camp chairs would just about sum it up!
Of course, I can get WAY more done in 2 hours than that man can, but isn't that just the difference between the sexes. (Doug, close your ears here, because this probably doesn't apply to you! LOL)
My MIL takes more time to clean a room or do something than anyone else I know. She keeps a neat house but it drives me nuts when she needs help and fools around for 2 hours before she really gets started.
I'm a little annoyed at my husband too, he doesn't like how I keep house but it doesn't seem worth it to clean a room when I don't know where to put his junk. I'm going to try a new method, I'm sorting through everything and all his stuff laying around is going on his side of the bed. If he takes it and just sets it somewhere before bed I'm going to put it back on his side in the morning. He likes to tell me that when I get a room cleaned he'll put the stuff of his in it away and to just clean around it but I've tried that, he still hasn't put that stuff away, and it doesn't seem worth it to clean a room and go around his junk. I'm hoping that eventually he'll get annoyed with having to move his stuff everyday. I don't mind picking up a glass he leaves in the living room or a wrapper he leaves, what I mind is the papers, power tools, mail, etc that only he can put away.
Alrighty well I have a better update. After he went to sleep for a bit last night, he didn't go to the movie - and we sat and talked for a bit in a much more calmer fashion. He said he would try to do better on some things.... and I told him I would really like if we could do that "clean sweep" process room by room - not try to do the whole house in one day, but to take each room and spend one day going through to make piles - for keep, 1 for toss, and 1 for donate/sell. I also told him I understand how it doesn't matter to him if he comes home from a trip and the house is clean, but it matters to me and he needs to respect that. We'll see how long it lasts and how it goes, but at least for now we went to bed on better terms last night. He even said maybe we could look at hiring a cleaning service - although I did say that you do have to have stuff off the floor in order for them to come clean - they won't go through your mail and toss stuff..... but I told him that would be very nice.
Thanks again, everyone. I appreciate it. Keep your prayers coming and I'll send 'em back your way too. None of us should have to live like slobs..... or be maids to our husbands... a marriage should be a partnership - not one person having to play "parent" to the other person........
Quote by @%username% on %date%
%body%