Need To Vent A Little...very Long, Sorry!
Decorating By valora387 Updated 8 Aug 2007 , 7:31am by KittyPTerror
I have to complain about my MIL a little, so I'm using CC to do it, lol.
Tomorrow my MIL is having a b'day party for herself and my BIL who turned 21 last week. My BIL has been spending every weekend at my house since my husband and I got married ten years ago, so I have a special attachment to the kid... sometimes I feel like I did half of the job raising him! Anyway, my hubby and I have been planning to take him out for his b'day for a few weeks now. The party was supposed to be last week, but we went away, so they cancelled it and rescheduled for the night we planned on taking him out.
Anyway, my MIL is now complaining about us taking him out, and why didn't we change our plans for the rest of the weekend to take him out on a different day, blah, blah, blah. We couldn't take him out tonight because I had my girl scout troop over for a pool party, and Sunday I have a work function to go to. We had our plans to take him out on Saturday first.
So, here is where the cake fits in. My MIL has 12 (yes, 12) children, but since I married my hubby, I have been making her birthday cakes. She is very picky, too. She only like strawberry shortcakes, which I've been making her for ten years now. She never says thank you, either, she just points out who doesn't show up for the party or who didn't get her a gift. Never acknowledges that I go out of my way every year to make her b'day special.
I had planned on making her cake tomorrow just like I always do, but I'm about at the end of my rope with her. She reminds me of the mom on Everybody loves Raymond, constantly complaining and criticizing her DIL... who happens to be me. I've got three kids of my own (9, 6, and 1) and other things I could do besides make her a cake tomorrow.
So, my rant and question is this: Do I just suck it up and make the cake and not get any thanks for it (and have to listen to her b***h and moan about how we're leaving early) or do I just say screw it and let her make her own cake? Am I just being petty?
Someone please have some advice for me!!!!
Thanks!
Erin
I cant imagine why you'd make a cake for this lady for 10 years if all she does is complain?
What does the 21 year old want to do? If it's his birthday, also, then shouldn't he be allowed to decide how he wants to celebrate it? And come on .... it's his 21st birthday!!! Who wants to spend that with your mom!???
If you make the cake, why not drop it off early in the day for her with the "Sorry we can't be here later ..... we have plans."
If it was me, I would probably not bake the cake. After doing them for 10 years and not getting any appreciation, why should you subject yourself to constant dissapointment. How does your hubbie feel about it? If he backs you up and you're not going to start WWIII, just tactifully decline to make the cake. At least that's what I would do...
I say make it 
Even though she sounds like a pain in the patootie. Look at it this way, you are frustrated with her now but if you dont make the cake (out of frustration) will you regret it a week from now? a month? Probably. On top of that by not making it you drop yourself a notch, sounds like your not that type of person. 
Ok, one more reason, its not just her you make the cake for but the family too. Im sure everyone looks forward to it!
Wishing you the best, have a cocktail after the party and laugh about how she can be! 
She sounds like my grandmother. Nothing is ever good enough for her either.
I would still do it, I would feel guilty if I didn't.
Nothing is good enough but you would feel guilty if you didn't make something that she wouldn't like anyway???? 
I don't understand THAT logic.
My day of freedom was when I stopped allowing other people to manipulate me like a puppet.
You guys need to get there.
If you think the cake will keep the peace...then do it....if not for her, then for your husband, your kids.......I don't agree with her being ungrateful...but, IMO, it's a small price to avoid whatever negative reaction may follow if you don't make it. It didn't sound like you were planning to not see her again...
Perhaps DH can mention how wonderful of you it is to make her cake each year...
12 kids? no wonder the woman is crazy!!! 
I think our MIL's might be related!!!
Happens to me all the time! She has never appreciated anything we do for her. Even at Christmas she complained or just returned the gift. So.....now they don't get presents from us....NOTHING! We show up and let them give our kids presents and that's all.
Now let me tell you what I did for her birthday this year 
. It happened to fall on a Sunday. Now they don't attend church, but did this particular Sunday because my Hubby was preaching and they enjoy all the attention they receive as his parents.(It's very pathetic!).
We eat out every Sunday after church so I took the cake with us to the restaurant. I had made an italian cream cake. It was for her 70th birthday! I make an old, tired, worn-out, gray horse with white hair (to resemble her of course 
)out of color flow icing. The cake read: THE OLD GRAY MARE.....AIN'T WHAT SHE USE TO BE!
Her face was priceless!!!!!! I'm sure I'll find somthing just as fitting for next year! 
I must figure out how to put my cake pictures on here! It was hilarious!
I'm glad to know I'm not the only one to have a MIL like that. I would make the cake, if you don't you will hear about for the next year. I feel for you. I have a BIL like yours but thank God we live to far away from them for him to come to our house, so he goes to his other brothers house. Oh did I mention his is married, and he still goes there. Good Luck.
I'm sorry you are in this situation because it is always hard dealing with family issues. What does your hubby think? I imagine like most men he just wants to keep the peace. I would make the cake, unfortunately, because it is family. You only have to spend a little time with your MIL and then you can go party with the BIL. No sense in stirring up a ruckus over a cake...just my opinion...I'm from a very disfunctional family...can you tell?
What is it with MIL's lately? I just had a post about mine and a problem with prices of my cakes for her friends. I would probably make the cake to keep peace and go to the party, but just make an appearance. Take the BIL out some other time. I'm a wimp but its not easy starting a war with the in-laws!
I'm a wimp but its not easy starting a war with the in-laws!
First, I love my mother-in-law. She is an incredible person and I am so blessed to have her in my life.
But about 2 weeks before our wedding, she went to hubby to "ask" about making changes in our wedding. Hubby was doing the hand-wringing-with-worry on what were we going to do "to keep mom happy".
I told him, "We are doing nothing. Plans will not be changed. I get along JUST FINE with your mom right now, but if I give in to this, then I'll be giving in to her for the rest of my life."
I could have "wimped" out. I could have done things her way "to keep the peace". But I stood up for myself from Day One and we have gotten along great for almost 20 years.
Why is it some feel you have to "give in" to the other person to keep the peace? Why is it THEY never seem to have to "give in" to YOU for the sake of family harmony? Why are the bullies running the schoolyard?
It's easy to "start a war" with anyone. The trick is deciding on the strategy that doesn't keep it going for years and years. The "war" doesn't always mean a screaming match. A "war" can be the simple tactic of one person manipulating others ..... like a general in the battlefield, maneuvering his troops in a way that forces the other side to move THEIR troops in the exact way the general wanted them to move. The general is calling the shots and the other side is always reacting in defensive mode.
Yep, my motto these days is "bugger it, I will not stress over their attitudes". I will NEVER do a cake for my SIL who hates me or my MIL who can be sweet to my face and then whinge about me to SIL later.
I am polite and let them think what they like but will be fully booked forever when they ask.
Life is so short and I don't want to waste my enjoyment of it!
I think if your struggling with the idea of not making it, it's because your really want to. (my opinion only) when they cancelled the party was it because you all wouldn't be there? Or was it for some ohter reason. It sound to me that they might have done so on account that you all would not be attending. Therefore, i see no reason why you all couldnt just celebrate at the same time and maybe take him out another week. Either way. i think its really gonna be up to you. Good luck
Julie
Ok - so what I meant by my comment on not starting wars and being a wimp (and I can be - I will admit to that) is that why start a battle when you don't have to? I do get along with my MIL, not many problems (have enough with my own mother - LOL), when I do have a problem, I find its best to let my DH handle any larger problems.
I think it is hard to tell someone what to do to solve problems within their family, hopefully they take all of our suggestions and do what's best for them. I for one hate making cake for someone who doesn't appreciate it!
If this woman has 12 children then surely they are not all incapable of baking a cake. I would let one of her 12 make her birthday cake this year and see how it comes out. Maybe by doing this she will appreciate YOUR cake at her next birthday if you so design to make it for her.
I would not do a cake for someone so selfish that they can not say thank you or even kiss my rosy red a$$.....
Damn the torpedo's and full speed ahead....forget the birthday cake for her and take the 21 yr old out for his special birthday.
Why have coffee with people who pee in your cup?
I agree!!
You know some people go on acting that way for a lifetime, because no one tells them that it is wrong or not appropriate. Sounds like this is what has happened with your MIL. Some people just have to have it pointed out to them when they are behaving like a jerk, and think they are being "wise" and "helpful". What they really need is for someone to tell them what they are doing so they can see that they are wrong. I think this is especially important in this type of relationship. And make sure that your DH knows that you aren't going to take it from his mother either. No matter what...and he should support you in your efforts.
This problem is not exclusive to MIL's however...I am going through somethings with my DH, whom I love dearly, who suffers from this same "affliction"...his comes from not having let go of some past baggage from previous relationships, and some from his childhood. He's developed a "I'm going to hurt you before you can hurt me" kind of attitude with a bit of "Always the glass is half empty". This probably sounds abit odd to some of you, but bare with me here if you will........
Has anyone ever dealt with a family member who just can't go through a day without saying something critical to someone? Or just has to pick at things no matter how stupid or petty they are.....just for the sake of doing it for whatever reason?
I love my husband with all my heart, but it's been a hard thing to deal with, and even harder to get him to change. It's become a very bad habit of his that he doesn't like to have pointed out to him, but I do anyway. I am constantly reminding him of this and that he has to stop being so critical all the time about things. It helps, but it will take time to get him to really change his ways. The trick is that he just can't be left to think that it is ok to act that way....
So it is with your MIL situation. If a person thinks they can get away with acting a certain way, they will. You have to put your foot down and let them know differently.
One thing I always remember when I do have to have "the discussion" with my spouse, it that he has said that when he met me, he knew that I was a "Glass half full" kind of girl...and that is what he was attracted to the most. I have to try and think of that when I am trying to point out to him what behaviors bother me in him, the ones that he knows he needs to change, even if it makes him mad to have it pointed out to him.......LOL
What would I do in your situation? I'd tell your MIL how her behavior makes you feel, let her know that you love her, but that your plans with your family come first, and that you had made your plans with your BIL well before her's(which she did a switcheroo on anyways), and you will go ahead with your plans regardless. Ask your hubby about the cake, and if he thinks you should make one, then do it, but let him know how you feel first. He may surprise you and tell you not to worry about it....
In any case, good luck with whatever you decide....
We eat out every Sunday after church so I took the cake with us to the restaurant. I had made an italian cream cake. It was for her 70th birthday! I make an old, tired, worn-out, gray horse with white hair (to resemble her of course
)out of color flow icing. The cake read: THE OLD GRAY MARE.....AIN'T WHAT SHE USE TO BE!Her face was priceless!!!!!! I'm sure I'll find somthing just as fitting for next year!
I must figure out how to put my cake pictures on here! It was hilarious!
That would have been hilarious but I really think you should show us your skills of at least the horse cake. 
Maybe do the cake this way...
Some people will do free cakes for friends and family, but the friends and family don't have a say in the cake they choose. If you wants to pay for it then do it how she wants, otherwise, use it as an opportunity to practice a new technique you've been dying to try!
I just think it's strange that a woman who had 12 kids still manages to be soo selfish! And, come on, how can you possibly only like strawberry shortcake? There are a million kinds of cake and...I just don't understand....
The other thing is, it sounds like this year she's throwing herself a party in conjunction with her son, which I guess is okay, but it sounds like on other years she just throws herself a party?? I guess I come from the south, but here, it's not really cool to throw yourself a birthday party, it's NEVER okay to publically criticize the gifts (or lack of gifts) you recieve, and if you do throw a party you provide all the refreshments, etc.
I think you should go to the grocery store, pick up some little debby pre-made shortcake shells, a basket of strawberries and some of that awful neon glaze, and a can of spray cream and see if she even notices the difference between that and your lovely homemade cakes. Sounds like she's way too self-absorbed to realize what's going on around her.
Ok - so what I meant by my comment on not starting wars and being a wimp (and I can be - I will admit to that) is that why start a battle when you don't have to?
I do totally understand what you are saying. In my case, standing up for me didn't "start" the battle .... it ended it. Had I given in, it would have resulted in an on-going battle for years. This way, at the very beginning, the message was sent that I was not going to be manipulated. No more battles ..... ever.
Make the cake. It is not only for her but for everyone else that shows up for the party!!! If she isn't grateful there are probably 10 others that are.
Thank you, thank you, thank you all for your suggestions and support! I knew I loved CC for a reason!
Here is what I've decided to do... I am making a cake for her, just to show that I am the bigger person. However, she's only getting a 6" round layer cake, whipped cream icing and strawberry filling. My BIL, however, is getting a chocolate 8" layer cake with chocolate buttercream icing and chocolate mousse filling (his favorite). It's my subtle way of saying that she's on my list right now, lol.
We're also still taking my BIL out... we're going to go to her house for cake and icecream around 7-ish, and we're out of there by 9:30... gonna get our party on 
.
I'm definitely going to have to have a few cocktails to celebrate making it through another year without killing her
Thanks again!
Erin
Sometimes we forget that our Elders come from a different mind set than we do.
no it's not cool to be mean or selfish, but most of the older people I've met seem to think that they are NOT worthy of anything.
"Oh you shouldn't have" "Why did you bother?" sort of thing.
My mother was one that NEVER displayed anything we gave her and we gave her some amazing things.
The thing that pissed me off the most was when she would "RE-GIFT". she would forget that she needed to get a gift for someone's important ocassion so she'd go into her closet and pull something out and wrap it up for gift giving.
We would lose our minds and get into a big fight about that, then we found out that she was begining Alzhimers that she wasn't doing it on purpose, she would truly forget the invitation and when we would come to get her, she would be frantic trying to wrap one of her things to bring.
She also grew up not paying very much for anything and would freak out about the prices of things, what she could bring back she did. We never knew that she needed the monies to pay her bills.
And, I guess when it means having some new luxury item that we were trying to show off by giving her or her being able to pay the telephone or buy groceries, well, my practical Mama figured eating was better than talking anyday.
So, before we complain about people and their crappy attitudes, find out where it's coming from first.
Hope this opens a few eyes.
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