Just A Vent

Lounge By angesradieux Updated 2 May 2020 , 3:24am by angesradieux

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angesradieux Posted 25 Apr 2020 , 3:10am
post #1 of 13

Just a vent because I need to unleash my frustrations somehow, and unfortunately right now I can't go out and complain to my friends, nor can I complain over the phone, because I live with the people driving me crazy and don't want to risk being overheard. Feel free to ignore it and just move along.

My family has literally no boundaries. It's making me crazy. I'm super stressed out right now. I still have to work, because my boss is a moron and refused to close the ice cream shop, even though I live in the second hardest hit state and a week or so ago, experts were telling people to even avoid grocery shopping if possible. It's killing me, because I know the people coming into the store for cake and ice cream are exactly the kind of people who refuse to take this pandemic seriously. Ergo, they are the most dangerous people to be exposed to. And I see them on a regular basis. I wear a mask, wear gloves and change them frequently, and frequently sanitize my hands. But I'm constantly anxious, angry, and scared when I'm at work. On top of it, my hours have been drastically cut, to the point where I would be getting more money now if my boss had closed the store and I had been able to file for unemployment. On the one hand, I don't want more hours, because more hours means more chances to be exposed to the virus. On the other? Seeing my income take such a massive nosedive is also stressful. I'm not coping well. I'm weepy. I literally almost started crying because the grocery store was out of yeast. A couple weeks ago I experienced sleep paralysis for the first time, likely due to stress. Half the time I don't sleep through the nights. I was taking a natural sleep aid and/or using essential oils to help, but since the sleep paralysis incident I've been too afraid to continue taking anything. I'd been taking them for over a month prior, so I'm sure they didn't cause it, but I'm nervous that if it were to happen again, they might make it harder for me to pull myself out of it.

Meanwhile, when I'm not at work, my family is driving me absolutely out of my mind. My sister is the princess. She's home since this started, because her school cancelled classes. Financially, she's better off than me right now. She lives off student loans, and those checks are still coming to her in full. Unlike my paychecks, which have been slashed. Nonetheless, I've been contributing to buying groceries for the house, which everyone--my sister included--uses. My sister, on the other hand, whines about money, but hasn't contributed anything towards groceries or anything. Meanwhile, my parents are being ridiculous. My mom panic buys excessive amounts of everything. My dad gets annoyed over the money we're spending on groceries. But then he feels the need to try to empty the refrigerator by eating everything. My mom sees him eating constantly and worries over running out of things, panic buys more stuff, and the cycle continues, and they continue making each other crazy. I get caught in the crossfire. I've been stress baking. My baked goods get swept up in the apparent need to eat anything and everything in sight. I made a tray of brownies. I got maybe an eighth of the tray before my family ate them all. And then my mom insisted I can't make more, because she wants to lose weight and can't stop eating them. I don't mind sharing. But I really baked them so I could have them. But I barely got any and apparently can't make more because my mom refuses to try to exercise any self-control. I bought ground beef, which I planned to use because I was craving shepherd's pie. I couldn't use it immediately when I bought it, because I was working late. By the time I had a day off my dad had taken it. I baked some cornbread, mostly for me, because I had a craving. Most of it was gone within a day. Two loaves of bread I made were gone in two days.

Same thing with liquor. I had a small stash of liqueurs that I'd hidden for myself. I bought all of it before quarantine started, and I was really happy to have it. It was hidden in a chest in the closet in my bedroom. So it was clearly something I wanted to keep mostly for myself. I knew my dad had found it, but I assumed he would have the decency to leave most of it for me. Clearly I was wrong. I replaced one bottle, because I assumed that was all he'd emptied. I went to make myself a drink tonight, and he'd left every single bottle in my collection with maybe half a tablespoon of liquor in it. I had treated myself to a few pricey bottles, because I don't drink every day, and when I do I usually have one or two drinks, and then stop, so a bottle of liquor tends to last me at least a couple months. But now it's all gone.

And the thing is, we don't really go out. My dad is very high risk. I go to work, where I'm constantly stressed about contracting Covid, and then I come straight home and shower and wash my clothes immediately. We get groceries delivered for the most part, which isn't necessarily easy. We have to get orders in at least a week in advance. Usually to just get a delivery date, we have to be up in the middle of the night when new delivery windows become available because the slots fill up so fast. If we need something between orders, we occasionally do a curbside pick-up, but most places even require a minimum of 24 hours notice for that now. It makes me so angry, because I can't buy things for myself and trust that they'll be there. And if someone else takes it, it isn't as simple as just running out and buying a replacement. And even if it were, I'm working with a severely reduced income. Maybe I can't afford to replace those groceries. Or maybe a month and a half ago I had a little extra money to treat myself to some of my favorite liquors, but now I don't. But it shouldn't have mattered. Because I had plenty and it should have lasted me awhile.

Things like finding food and liquor I'd bought and intended to use for myself just gone annoy me on a good day. But I'm so over it now. I'm stressed out enough. And my family swooping in on my stuff like a plague of locusts is making me even more upset. I don't mind sharing. I really don't. But why is moderation so hard. If I make brownies, sure! Have one. But don't eat the whole tray. If I have liquor to spare, fine! Have a drink. Whatever. But not all of it, and leaving less than a quarter shot doesn't count as leaving some for me. But also, boundaries! If I have hidden something inside a chest inside the closet inside my bedroom, clearly that means I want it for myself. Maybe don't help yourself to thinks INSIDE MY ROOM without asking?

Idk. Between being stressed over work, and my parents arguing, and my sister not doing much of anything to help anyone except herself, and everyone in my family helping themselves to anything and everything I buy, even if I've clearly tried to hide it, I feel like I'm going to go insane. I know my parents are stressed, too, and it's manifesting in the panic buying and stress/boredom eating, and whatever. But I feel like I'm caught in the crossfire. And if I finally just meltdown, it will either be laughed off as a joke, or I'll become the bad guy.

The day I started crying over yeast, I knew I was in a bad place emotionally. I tried to keep myself somewhat isolated, but when my dad was in the same room as me, he went out of his way to annoy me, because he thought it was funny. He also knows that I avoid the news, because it just makes me angrier and more stressed. If my dad comes into the room, he'll turn it on because he knows it bothers me and he finds it amusing.

I don't know how I'm going to handle quarantine in this house

12 replies
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kakeladi Posted 25 Apr 2020 , 12:07pm
post #2 of 13

Wow! What a terrible situation you’re in. You need to find dr !! There have been ads on tv for such stressed people to call And can’t you lock your door? If there is no lock then get & install one! Any chance of having a family meeting to vent some of this anger? Have you reported the I.c. Shop to “city fathers “ for breaking the “laws “? I find it hard to understand how the place has been allowed to stay open

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Laetia Posted 25 Apr 2020 , 12:09pm
post #3 of 13

I feel you pain angesradieux, but unfortunately, I dont think I have much to say to help cheer you up... Not knowing you and your background very much makes it uneasy. I think it's not the first time you need to vent on your particular family dynamic, and from an outsider point of vew, it seems to be somehow toxic both for your mental and physical healt. Maybe the time has come for a good family meating. Does your family even know how you feel about the situation? To they realise they are taking advantage of you and that it makes you miserable?

I know those things are not easy because it's family, you live with them and you certainly do not want to make things worst... It is so hard...

Now I just want to make you a big hug. Keep safe xx

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angesradieux Posted 25 Apr 2020 , 5:01pm
post #4 of 13

Unfortunately my bedroom only locks from the inside. I can lock people out when I'm in my bedroom, but there's no way to lock it when I'm not there without also locking myself out. As far as the ice cream shop, he's hiding behind the claim that it's technically a "quick service restaurant" and restaurants are technically allowed to be open. For take-out only, of course. But that doesn't help me, because people still come in to order, and they ignore my sign to send in one person per group to order and some of them either give me grief or ignore me when I stop them at the door and say I need one of them in the store and everyone else out. They also ignore the sign to not lean on the counter when I'm making their ice cream to social distance as much as possible.

I made it clear I was annoyed about my dad using my ground beef. But everyone seemed to think I was overreacting. Which, in all fairness, I probably was. It's not the biggest deal in the world. But on top of all the other stress, I have a bit of a hair trigger sometimes. My sister has decided I shouldn't be angry at anyone in the family for anything, because we need to "keep the peace" while in quarantine. Which is in-line with how they usually handle me when I'm upset. Over the summer, when I was dealing with a stressful situation and my dad wasn't respecting my boundaries and I was angry, I called my mom really upset. She told me I needed to stay calm for my father's sake, and my sister threatened to block my phone number when I tried texting her to vent. No one in my family wants to deal with me being upset, so the answer is always that I'm supposed to think about how everyone else is feeling and be calm and supportive and happy for everyone else's sake, and if I'm not, somehow I'm ungrateful or disrespectful, or whatever. A couple months ago, I found out my dad assumed I didn't want some of my stuff and threw it out a box of it without bothering to ask me or even tell me he'd done it. He waited until I noticed it was gone, and then acted surprised that I was angry. Some if it had a lot of sentimental value, and there were some limited edition collectibles I'd bought and now can't replace. But my mom yelled at me for being upset, and also used it as an excuse to yell at me for not paying for my sister's now cancelled bridal shower, triggering my thread here about the dessert table, that I ended up wasting a ridiculous amount of money prepping for. Basically, every time they do something that makes me angry and I get upset, it gets twisted into being my fault, or the product of my own character flaws. I really don't think a family meeting or conversation would help, because it'll just spiral into the same nonsense as usual.

I looked into a therapy app, but it's a bit expensive and I'm not sure I can justify the cost. I'm also not sure it's even worth the money, because we're all quarantined together, so if I wanted to talk about my family, it would have to be via text messages only to avoid being overheard.

Thanks for reading my vent. I'm really not sure there is any solution, but at least having somewhere to unleash some of the frustration helps a little. I had started taking vitamin D and St Johns Wort supplements and for awhile I think they were sort of helping. But that was before quarantine hit, and now I think I'm just too stressed and upset for them to do very much anymore.

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SandraSmiley Posted 25 Apr 2020 , 5:20pm
post #5 of 13

There certainly is a solution, for you and your family.  Move out, get your own place.  Stop spending all of your time with a bunch of people who constantly make you stressed and upset.  An independent woman does not have to answer to anyone except her maker (and I don't mean her mother).  And, look for a better job.

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kakeladi Posted 25 Apr 2020 , 5:55pm
post #6 of 13

It may not be as hard to find another job as you think It might not what you want to do forever but could get you some freedom from all that stress! Please put some thought & work into it . As for the boss I bet overall he is losing $ Take into consideration the costs adding up —rent, utilities, payrolls, & all against the little being open is generating I bet ($ to donuts) he is not coming out ahead!:)

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cakefan92 Posted 27 Apr 2020 , 8:16pm
post #7 of 13

anges, I know it's frustrating. Somehow people who have no consideration for others will always deflect responsibility for their actions. I'm sorry you're having to deal with that on top of everything else that's going on. Is there any place you could go - a park or beach or even a wilderness trail to get some alone time? I don't know where you are but there has to be some place you could go to get  a break. And have you considered trying CBD oil?  My hubby swears by it to help him sleep.  I tried it but had to stop since even a few drops made me so sleepy I couldn't function during the day. 

I agree with Sandra - you need to move out and get away from your family for a while. It's probably not realistic for right now but it won't be this way forever. (And I used to lock things in my car to keep them safe.)

I really wish I had some great pearls of wisdom that would solve your problems, but we're always here and ready to listen. You just come on and vent whenever you need to.



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littlejewel Posted 27 Apr 2020 , 11:31pm
post #8 of 13

I had planned just popping in to look at some cakes, but when i saw your post I had to sign in. I can relate. Your boss seems like a nasshole. Sounds like no one in your household is respecting you or treating you like an adult although you are probably more responsible than your older sister( or should could be young). My parents and sisters treated me in very similar way until i finally left home for college, and never looked back. My sisters stole money and wore my clothes without getting my permission., and when I got upset bout it my parents reacted much like what you describe yours as doing You need to find another job, how much can he possibly be paying you to work in an ice cream shop. Once you leave home your parents might not want to fully let you go,. You will need to  handle your parents at a distance set boundaries you have the finale word in your apartment, if not the problem will continue. Once you have left home your sister shouldn't be a pain in the neck anymore, and she will begin to get on you parents nerves and they wont have you around to project anything on. You don't need any med you just need to cut the string from your family, you can not allow yourself to continue to be treated like that. After you move out and your dad calls complaining about your sister, laugh and say that's not my problem now. 

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kakeladi Posted 28 Apr 2020 , 1:04am
post #9 of 13

I don’t know it’s on this reply for but there is an ad for emotional & coping support during this time that you could call Watch for it & call It certainly can’t hurt & might be helpful

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kakeladi Posted 28 Apr 2020 , 1:04am
post #10 of 13

I don’t know it’s on this reply for but there is an ad for emotional & coping support during this time that you could call Watch for it & call It certainly can’t hurt & might be helpful

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jchuck Posted 1 May 2020 , 1:14pm
post #11 of 13

I remember very well you’re post about the bridal shower. I could tell there was definitely a dysfunctional dynamic. Sister is the Princess, you, for some reason, you are the scapegoat. For everything and anything that goes wrong. But no one, but no one should be rooting around in your room..period!!! That is your private space. I can’t believe your father would actually #1 go in your room, for anything, or any reason whatsoever  #2 get into your private liquor collection. Then not replace any of it???  And then deny it????  So much wrong with this I don’t know where to begin.  Clearly none of your family owns up to any of there behaviour. Don’t see that happening anytime soon. Agree with littlejewel , the only sane solution is for you is to leave and get your own place. Obviously  not right now under the circumstances, but definitely once this pandemic is over. This is the only way to escape the tyranny. There just some serious issues you cannot fix. You can’t change them, only how you react to them. This unhealthy family situation has clearly been going on for years and years. I would also encourage you also to get more education so as to eventually lead to a better paying job. Hard to sustain yourself working in a retail shop. Will be praying for you Agnes. ❤️

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theresaf Posted 1 May 2020 , 7:15pm
post #12 of 13

Hi Agnes,

Sorry to hear how your home situation has worsened in this pandemic!  I live in the worst outbreak state so you must live in New Jersey.  Every day the Governors have a press conference to report what's happening and every day they also talk about  the toll this is taking on everyone's mental health.  I listen to what Cuomo has to say but I don't tune in to Murphy.  There are free mental health services available in every state.  I did a quick search for you and came up with Mental Health Association of New Jersey, which is njmentalhealthcares.org   They have a toll free number which is 866-202-HELP or you can email them at [email protected]   I am sure there are others but that's my quick search.  If that isn't a resource, when you speak to someone ask them where else they can suggest.  They all have resources lists.  I am not a mental health professional but I am married to one. And my day job is working with families in the Court system.

Right now Amazon, Instacart, Walmart and others that I forget (!) are hiring.  Maybe you don't want to work there or maybe you would consider it a stepping stone to get you from point A - your untenable home situation to point B - your own place and at least more self-sufficient and happier.  These places are ramping up their PPE plans as well I hear but I don't know firsthand.

Hey, we all need to vent sometimes to others, some of us need to vent to professionals who can offer even more than a sympathetic ear but help out with a plan.  YOU DESERVE IT AGNES.  I hope you make that first step but we are still here for the other parts!



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angesradieux Posted 2 May 2020 , 3:24am
post #13 of 13

Thanks everyone.

I do want to move out. It's hard now, because I'm not in the best position financially and rent is crazy expensvie where I live. I've thought about trying to find another job. I've looked at listings for things that aren't exactly what I'd want to do forever, but would pay a little more for the time being. My problem there is I just don't feel qualified for anything. A lot of jobs, even entry level listings, require years of relevant experience, which I don't have. My work experience is pretty eclectic and not really relevant to most office jobs. I taught private singing and piano lessons for awhile. I also worked as a translator, graded for classes, and interned at a museum. Which would have been great on a resume when I thought I was going to either be a school music teacher or a history professor, but aren't really helpful when applying for many other things. I do have a college degree. But I still feel like I'm just not qualified to do anything. And it's harder now. Because most places that are hiring now aren't the kind of places it's really worth leaving my current job for, so I feel a little stuck until things change. I know Instacart and grocery stores are hiring, but I'm sure it's mostly minimum wage, which is less than what I'm getting at my current job. Plus, I'm already so stressed about the potential exposure to Covid at my current job with reduced hours, I'm not sure I could handle a job where I'd be even more at risk. I obviously have my issues with my family. But I do still love them, and my dad is super high risk. He's in a bad age bracket, and he's also asthmatic, has a history of heart disease, and is a cancer survivor. I'm already struggling with the fear of whether I would ever be able to live with myself if my dad were to get Covid because I was exposed and unwittingly spread it to him.

But I'm also going out of my mind at home.

My sister and I are actually twins, which makes things worse on so many levels. First, she's getting married. Meanwhile, I've never been in a serious relationship, and I really do want to be married someday, and this whole thing just picks at the fear that it will never happen for me. And also, we used to be so close. But since the boyfriend came into play, I'm clearly just not important to her anymore. He's all that matters to her anymore. He may be more important to the rest of my family than me at this point, too.

Tonight my mom was streaming an Andrew Lloyd Webber in concert thing to her TV from her phone. I went upstairs to her room, because I love Andrew Lloyd Webber and I heard a song I particularly like coming on. Since it was cast to her phone from the television, when she got a text it showed up on the television, too. She was texting my aunt, because she and my sister have been fighting. My sister wants to cancel the wedding, because she's in vet school, doesn't want to be locked into committing to another date because she doesn't know what her schedule will be like next year or if she'll be doing an internship in another state, or what. It just doesn't make sense to reschedule. But the venue is arguing they want to open by June, so even though my sister won't feel safe having a big event then, they won't let her just cancel without paying several thousand dollars for breach of contract. My mom doesn't think the venue is out of line. My sister does. So they've been fighting. Anyway, the text from my aunt came up "[Owner of the venue] isn't really the one who wronged [sister]. It was the Chinese [because she's racist], the virus, and a bit Anges." I saw it, because it came up on my mom's television, where I had been trying to watch a performance of one of my favorite songs. I got upset, because apparently according to my family, who I really thought loved me, I'm up there with Covid on the list of things wrong in my sister's life. My mom told me I was overreacting and reading too much into the text when I got upset. But I'm not sure there's any other way to take it besides I'm a massive problem.

I have three days off of work coming up. I was really excited to be able to relax and not have to deal with my boss's bullshit. I got all of the cake orders currently due between now and when I'm there next done, so I didn't have to worry about whether the other person currently working would be able to  manage the cakes. It should have been just a few days to decompress and relax. But now I'm stressed over being stuck with my family, who obviously doesn't really value me at all. My mom didn't even really take my side, She just told me I was ridiculous for being upset when my aunt at least was clearly calling me out for being a bad person.

I do currently live in New Jersey. I never listen to the entirety of Murphy's conferences, because when he starts getting into the numbers, I just can't take it. It's especially hard because my grandmother is in a nursing home that has had Covid cases, so listening to him talk about how hard it's hit long-term care facilities is incredibly taxing. I remember the last time my parents went to visit her before lockdown happened, I stayed home because I was just tired and wanted to rest instead of going out. I didn't think much of it. I assumed there would  be another chance to visit, so it wasn't a huge deal to not go with my parents one time. Now I just have to pray that I didn't unintentionally pass up the last chance I had to see her alive, and that wasn't a decision I'll regret for the rest of my life.

I have not tried CBD. I had been using melatonin, and my mom's big on essential oils and had this combination of them, including lavender and some other stuff, that I tired. The melatonin worked at least for helping me get to sleep. I would take it and be drowsy and ready for bed within half an hour. But after the sleep paralysis episode, I haven't used the melatonin or the essential oils, and I'm not sure I'd even feel comfortable trying CBD. it happened multiple times over the course of a single night. There were three separate times. At least one of them right when i was starting to go back to sleep. I don't know. It's hard to tell whether I was going to sleep or waking up, or even if it was actually sleep paralysis or if I just dreamed about it. It was really disorienting. But I'm afraid to try any kind of sleep aid, because I don't want to risk experiencing it again and not being able to pull myself out of it. The day after, I was a little afraid to sleep at all, because all I could think about was whether it would happen again. I know some people experience it once as a fluke thing, and it never happens again. But I don't trust that I'll be that lucky, and if it does happen again, I'd rather not inhibit my chances of being able to pull myself out of it and back into being fully awake.

I don't know. I'm just trying to deal with too many things right now, between the constant fear of exposure and what that could mean, to concern for my grandmother, to my own health, and everything else. And now I'm also finding out people I thought actually cared about me just think of me as one of the big problems in my sister's life. I just don't know what to do. I don't feel like I have anyone in my corner anymore.

And to make the stupid text feel even worse, I gave my sister what was supposed to be her wedding present today, since there wasn't much point in saving them for the wedding anymore. I told her to do what she wanted with them, whether it was keep them or smash them to vent her frustration. But now I wish I'd kept them, just so I could have them to break.

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