How Do I Ask The Bride?

Decorating By DesignerWoman Updated 2 Aug 2010 , 2:58am by cheatize

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DesignerWoman Posted 1 Aug 2010 , 6:05pm
post #1 of 14

Hello Everyone!

I have a question I need to ask the bride, but I'm not sure how to do it without possibly insulting her.

A little back story first: My brother in law is getting married to the bride I am worried about insulting. She is super nice, really friendly and well a little cheap.

I started decorating cakes about a year ago and everyone loves them icon_smile.gif and my brother in law and his bride asked me to make the wedding cake. I was very flattered and said yes. Fast forward a few months later, the bridal shower is coming up and the bride and her family has asked everyone in the bridal party (which I am a part of) to bring 2 or 3 dishes to the bridal shower, buy 2 or 3 small gifts for prizes on top of buying a gift for the bride. I thought this was a lot for the bridal party to do and buy and so do my friends, but I do not want to upset anyone by saying anything.

Now my problem: I have started to slowly purchase items that I will need to make the wedding cake. My husband yesterday said to me "So how much is she going to pay you for the cake?" I told him nothing since it is our gift to them for the wedding. My husband had a funny look on his face and asked "Does she know that?" I just looked at him. I honestly do not remember the whole conversation from a few months ago. However I thought to myself who would expect a 3 tier fondant covered wedding cake PLUS a gift?

So my question is how do I bring up to the bride that the wedding cake is our gift to them? The bride and her family seem to expect a lot from the bridal party (what I am seeing by the preparations for the bridal shower), but I do not want to hurt feelings since my husband and i are both part of the bridal party.

Sorry this is so long, but I wanted to give as much information as I can.

Thank you in Advance
Designer Woman

13 replies
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deMuralist Posted 1 Aug 2010 , 6:21pm
post #2 of 14

It seems as though she may very well be wondering if she is paying for the cake and if so how much. If you are unsure she probably is also. You may just want to say something like..."I can't really remember if I was clear when we chatted, but I wanted you to know that the wedding cake is a gift from my dh and I" you don't have to say "the" gift or "our only" gift. I would approach it from the perspective that you didn't want her thinking she had to pay for the cake and you were not sure if you had been clear on that. It could very well be the most expensive gift they receive!

edited to correct spelling

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cakesbycathy Posted 1 Aug 2010 , 6:31pm
post #3 of 14

Actually I would say "our gift" so that it is perfectly clear that you are not getting them something else.

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sweetheart6710 Posted 1 Aug 2010 , 6:43pm
post #4 of 14

I agree. Just say 'I wasn't sure if we were clear about the price of this cake, but I wanted you to know that its 1 less thing you need to worry about because I want this to be our gift to you'

Once my older brother told me 'a gift is a gift, you don't get to choose what you get' so if she is upset about not getting pots and pans, over time her other friends will get married and be shopping for cake and ask her 'what did you pay for yours, it was beautiful' and she will say it was a gift. They will probably tell her how lucky she was because most cakes are $500+

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cutthecake Posted 1 Aug 2010 , 6:44pm
post #5 of 14

Talk about it now with the bride and groom to avoid an ugly situation later.

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Jeep_girl816 Posted 1 Aug 2010 , 6:45pm
post #6 of 14
Originally Posted by cakesbycathy

Actually I would say "our gift" so that it is perfectly clear that you are not getting them something else.

thumbs_up.gif I like this response! You're still being nice and tactful but letting her know this is what she's getting from you.

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Cindy619 Posted 1 Aug 2010 , 6:53pm
post #7 of 14

I've given several cakes as the wedding gift and what I do is bring a card to the wedding and drop it in the wishing well (or whatever you call it!). In the card, I write something like, "Congratulations! I hope you enjoyed the cake! Love..."

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elvisb Posted 1 Aug 2010 , 6:59pm
post #8 of 14

I think it's a special thing that you're doing for them, and an extra gift is not necessary. I've been in this situation, and I don't think people realize what goes into making a wedding cake--especially when cheap is a way of life. Cost of ingredients is more than some people pay for a gift, plus you have all your time in it. I did a cake for my sil that I would have charged someone else $500 for. My husband's other sisters balked about not going in on the "real" gift until my husband stuck up for me and told them what I would charge someone else. He then told his parents they could pay me $500 and then we would gladly go in on the family gift. Only then did they agree that it was fine that the cake was our gift.

Just take her aside and tell her you couldn't remember your conversation, but just a reminder that you and dh are giving the cake as your gift and you wanted to clarify that so she could budget those funds for something extra somewhere else. I would definately get the words "our gift" in there somewhere so it's clear she shouldn't expect more. And hopefully when it's all over you get more than "PS--Thanks for the cake, It was nice" in your thank you card.

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costumeczar Posted 1 Aug 2010 , 7:26pm
post #9 of 14

I agree that people really don't know what goes into making a wedding cake, and you should just talk to her directly about it being your gift.

My BIL is a total tightwad, and thinks that anyone who has a wedding reception is a "sucker". Of course, he also keep track of what people have given him, though, even though he won't want to spend money on anyone else. I went off on him after he'd asked how the "sucker business" was going once too often, and gave him a lecture on what goes into making a cake and how much work it is. He said "wow, maybe I should thank the friend who made our cake." I told him that yes he should, because that was a really nice gift.

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Smashme Posted 1 Aug 2010 , 8:04pm
post #10 of 14

i really want to call and thank my brother now. he and his fiance asked if i would do the cake, and i said yes. my brother then called back and made sure i was just doing the cake, because that was MORE than enough. they even want to buy me a small cake making supply (she's in college and he's military, so not a whole lot of money) i feel very blessed to have them, and i hope everything works out for you (and thanks for making me appreciate my brother thumbs_up.gif )

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DesignerWoman Posted 1 Aug 2010 , 8:23pm
post #11 of 14

Thank you to everyone icon_smile.gif I'm feeling a little better about going to talk to the bride now icon_smile.gif

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indydebi Posted 1 Aug 2010 , 9:34pm
post #12 of 14

Oh I just flat out tell my relatives, "No one ELSE is giving you a $700 wedding gift!" icon_twisted.gif

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sillywabbitz Posted 1 Aug 2010 , 9:55pm
post #13 of 14

Have you agreed on a design and a headcount? The reason I ask is because when I do 'gift' cakes I always say ' I would like to do your cake as my gift.' also I tell them up front if they want a design that requires I purchase specialty pans or tools, they'll have to pick them up and the items are theirs to keep. So far everyone has made due with what I have but my friend wanted Choco pan fondant and with the cost and shipping I asked her to cover that expense. Was around $50. She didn't mind and I didn't resent making the cake. Win win for everyone.

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cheatize Posted 2 Aug 2010 , 2:58am
post #14 of 14

You'll have to talk cake with her before you begin baking, right? The cake is bound to come up in conversation or one of you will have a question or suggestion and call the other. I would say something like, "I am SO happy you're allowing us to give you your wedding cake! It feels so much more personal and it's given us time to get to know each other!"

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