I just read through these (laughing the whole time) while waiting with my 6yo dd for her bus to come. Our house is right by the bus stop, so most of the parents on our street drive their kids to the stop and wait in their car. My dd heads outside for the bus while I put shoes on my 26 month old dd (she likes to wave bye to her sister.) My 4 yo dd also heads out the front door to wave bye forgetting to close it, so the dog gets out. The dog is chasing the kids down the sidewalk barking, and I am now chasing the dog in my pj's (I had no intent of going of our porch.) I grab the dog and head into the house to find the front door deadbolt locked and my 26 mo dd looking at me through the window. After 10 min. of patiently trying to explain to a toddler to turn the TOP lock, while standing barefoot in pj's in front of the neighborhood this rather chilly morning, she finally figures out how to unlock the door. I open the door and she gives me a hug and says, "Sorry momma." It made me remember that's what it's all about. With four daughters I have learned to laugh through about anything....but the other times.....

I can't tell you folks how much I've needed to read this, the tears are rolling.
I have been trying to teach my DD manners. GRANDPA took her to a large store when she was 4 to purchase a toy for her, when he tooted quite loudly then proceeded to yell "Did you HEAR that? They need to fix their floors" as he steps back and forth as if there's a loose floor board on a cement floor!!!

I'm going to have a terrible time when my youngest starts school. One of my brothers is the perfect uncle for a little boy, he's rude and has snakes. I've been trying to explain that we don't talk about farting and burping when there are girls around (that way he won't do it at school) and I keep getting the "Uncle does it" back and that his uncle would approve.

He also has a thing about getting in trouble or being told no, he never gets anyone to side with him but he always tells me that he's going to tell someone that I'm being mean to him, most of the time it's his brother. No one has figured out why he does this when he still gets in trouble and never gets any help. We got an iguana a few weeks ago, a week or so later he was told he couldn't do something. He got teary eyed and looked at me and said "I'm telling Spike on you" and ran to the bedroom where we could here him telling the lizard that mom's being mean and then came back out. My oldest just about died laughing.

I have a two year old, so these stories just crack me up..... I have a funny one too.

My little brother was 3-4 years old and my mom was scolding him about something and told him to go to his room, as he's stomping down the hall he turns and says, "MOM, I have 3 words for you!! Anger Manage-Ment!!" We all fell-out laughing because we had no idea where he would come up with that one......then I realized it was on the movie Dude Where's my Car.

Then, I am 15 years older than my brother....anyways he was 2 years old and I took him to Blockbuster with me and we're walking around he goes....."Look Sissy!! There's that movie where that guy yells HORSE SH*T!!" OMG I was mortified.....everyone in the store turns and points and laughs!! Yeah....he's a character!! He's 11 now and still cracks me up!!

Okay, okay, now I'm really starting to get the base humor of this thread......and finally remember one my son did in 1st grade Show-n-Tell, "shhhh that was way over 27 years ago no wonder I can't understand the humor."

Son to me: I told a joke for show-n-tell today and was sent to the Principle's office.

Me in shock: What joke?

Son repeats what he said to classmates: What causes the waves in the ocean?

Classmates: What?

Son to classmates: Whale farts!

Son to me: Thanks Mom, Mrs. So and So sent me to the Principles office.

Me: I'm so sorry I told the joke to you.

tiptop, I have one in the same vein. Hubby and son were writing a letter to santa when son was about 3rd grade. Of course hubby (the butter squirter) can't do anything seriously, so they were writing a letter to santa telling him to lose weight, stop expecting cookies, how we were doing to leave him yogurt, and goofy stuff like that.

Well guess what next day's in-school project was? Yep, letters to santa! Guess what kind of letter son wrote? Yep! The kind dad had showed him how to write!

When son brought the note home from the teacher, I dared hubby to reprimand that child and made HUBBY call the teacher and explain what happened and why!

Yep indydebi first thing we need to do when sharing our humor to our children is to explain that some of our at home humor when applied in the public can get you in some serious do-do!

P.S. How red in the face was your DH?

Well, first he was really ticked and thus was born the lecture of "there are some things you talk about at home that you don't talk about anywhere else!" Once he got over it, he laughed about it (still didn't want to be the one to explain it to the teacher, but he got over that, too!) and marveled at "of all the things I try to teach him, the ONE thing he remembers was that dang letter writing session!

Ha Ha!! I just remembered a recent one......My son just learned how to say "poopy butt"....thanks to his older cousin....anyway.... We were at a relatives house and I was bending over to get something out of his diaper bag and he runs up behind me slaps me on the but and says "BIG Butt!!!" plain as day.....I just about died!! My aunt peed her pants she laughed so hard!!

We don't fart at our house. We are the proud keepers of BARKING spiders.

Ya'll have me laughing so hard. I especially like the stories about scaring the kids. We do that too but here's some more:

We first moved back to my hometown so the kids could go to school in a small town and where I graduated. They were outside playing with a bunch of other kids while my husband and I were inside unpacking. There were other parents outside watching all the kids. My son comes in to use the bathroom and then goes back outside to play. Soon after, my daughter come storming in the house screaming and very upset, "MOM!!! WHY ARE YOU AND DAD HAVING SEX?!?" I tell her we're not having sex, we're unpacking and what is sex anyway? She proceeds to tell me it's when a man and woman roll around naked and she told her brother that HER MOM AND DAD DON'T DO THAT KIND OF STUFF. She says, her brother's outside telling everyone mom and dad are inside having sex. I run ouside to be totally embarassed (because of the other parents outside thinking me and hubby are getting it on) and to kill my son.

He's always been mischevious. He's 20 now and still the same way.

Stories like these are why we have a rule at our house.

"They who teach it, must meet with the principal."

My mother taught my DS this saying

GM.."Where did GP go?"

DS.."He went to take a poop and the hogs ate him"

What the he&&! Needless to say first week of kindergarden....the rule was born.

yummy wrote:

Well, he's perhaps not as big an idiot as you may think. I took 3 years of french in high school (and I remember maybe a total of ten words) and we had to learn the french words for "moo" "oink" "woof". I remember us all laughing because animal sounds are animal sounds, right?! Well....apparently not!! That's too funny!!

This thread is SO funny! I have a few to add.

When my oldest son was younger (he's only 5 now, but it's been probably 2 -3 years) him, his sissy, and I were all laying in bed for a nap (the good old days) and he anounced "Mom, I love you more than burger cheese and milkshakes". I thought that was SO cute. So now when we tell people how much we love them, we use food to measure that! I love you more than french fries, more than ice cream, etc...(by the way, burger cheese = cheeseburger)

When my sister was younger she announced at the dinner table she was going to be a virgin when she got older. Mom, StepDad and I all laughed..."what's a virgin?" "You know...people who don't eat meat" Still makes me laugh...

Same sister....fast forward. Has a young son (perhaps 2?). His Daddy and her broke up. She's on a date with a new boyfriend and it's his first time out with her son. My nephew is playing around with sugar packets (don't all kids). Suddenly, sister realizes he has reached over the back of his seat and is pouring an open sugar packet all over gentleman's head who was sitting behind them. Gentleman was not so happy, but his wife thought it was REALLY funny My sister was so embarrassed but today she's married and has two more children with the guy she was on her date with so all worked out.

"toots" are funny in our house and the person letting loose lays claim! Nothing to be shy about here. When someone is particulary gassy we call them "toot toot factories"...lame, I know, but so funny

Whenever we would ask my mom what her favorite color was she would say "sky blue pink". So funny...she still tells her grandkids that.

I could go on all day...Thanks for the laughs! Needed them this week!!

Hilarious!
My younger sister and I used to scare each other a lot at home also. I loved to hear her scream because she sounded like she should be in the horror movies. One day I heard her opening and closing her door over and over so I decided to go wait outside her door to scare her when she would come out again. BIG MISTAKE! She opened her door and I yelled BOO! She screamed and threw the dirty water she was changing from her fish tank right into my face! Yuck!

I also have a two year old with a large vocabulary. When removing her shirt she would look at her chest and tell me she had boo boo's(nipples). I told her what they were called and told her they weren't boo boo's. Again, BIG MISTAKE! We were at Wal-Mart passing through the clothing and then to the bra and sock area. She is sitting in the shopping cart and reaches over and pulls out a bra and says really loud "where are mama's nipples" ? Oh the looks I got. I just about died!

For us it was the duck that just flew thru the living room!

Okay a few more my oldest son was about 3 we were shopping in KMart and he wanted a toy. I told him no so he proceeded to have a big fit. I took him to the car and on the way he yelled help this is not my mom. People just stood there looking but apparently no one wanted him cause they didn't try to save him.
We have a set of stairs going from our back door to our driveway I wait until my 15 year old is about half way down the stairs and then honk the horn he usually ends up getting so scared he jumps the rest of the way down the stairs.

I love this topic. I have been in need for a good laugh. I can't remember the last time I laughed so hard I cried.

I tell you all what. My house is the crazy house of all houses. Quoting from my 4 yr old. " Yes mommy I am sarcasmic, and when we get to soccer I will be sarcasmic there too" Matter of factly.

In our house when someone doesn't think before they speak it isn't a suprise to hear in a weird accent " I'm a dork fish, caught me on a corn dog."

My husband is the base of all my maddness. He is the keeper of all the scare tactics. Luckily I get a funny feeling when he is on the scarepage. I can't help but sneak around so he doesn't know I'm comming so he can't scare me. But the kids think its so funny. Mommy is such a scardy cat.

But I can get them back. I go out og my way to embarase my kids. For instance My oldest son started 6th grade. We did the new locker thing and he said bye at the door so he could be a big boy and go on his own. Then I looked at the teacher and said "Watch this" as I ran up behind my son in class and started hugging and kissing him, acting like I was crying saying " Oh, Cameron I'm going to miss you so much, You be a good boy today and listen to your teacher, I'll see you after school...... Sniff Sniff" I've probably ruined my kids for life.

My youngest son, started young. He was still in a high chair not at full sentences yet and he would throw his food on the floor and yell" Damn it" We couldn't get him to stop throwing food on the floor for such a long time.

The tootsies well where do I start. There most of the time someone else is always blamed. Mom toots: "Oh Andy what did you just do. You better go change your shorts."

Sarcasim runs rampid in my house. From "I can't reach" Holding hand up to chest wiggling fingers acting like thats as far as the arm goes.
To Albequirkie(this is how we actually say it.)..... When you can't get a word in edgewise we just but in with an odd off the subject word that really doesn't help the situation but does start a laughfest.

By the way did I mention that I'm 157 years old. But I tell you what I don't look a day over 25.

So I'm going to to buy some waterpops (otterpops) that I gerfot go get the other day. That way I won't keep annoying my littlest one. Or else she may get sarcasmic with me. That would be my daughtert Emily Ebisalif.

I can go on and on but I don't have much of a memory at my age.

Thank You for such a great thread.

p.s. I learned quickly that it is not a good idea to give your son the nick name of Poopie and call him it at preschool. EEEWW POOPPPIIIEEE.

cCc

P.S. I send my kiddies looking for the geese when my Dh is in the bathroom blowing his nose.

Honk Honk

cCc

I also have an Emily Elizabeth and we jokingly call Elimy Ebisalif, so I had to laugh at that one.

Yes but you know how whe started spelling her name....... A.N.D.R.E.W..... She was so proud of herself. This was at about 3. We didn't have the heart to tell her that was her Brothers name. Now She can spell her name.....Emley....Wrong again. But with spelling these you have to hear how she says it to get the full grasp of it. She is soooooo sure of her self.


cCc

Ohhhhhhhhh one more please from my baby sister.

She lives in Florida and takes her kids to the beach all the time. They are all fabulous swimmers. Well one day her three kids decided to play "Dead Body". Yes, that's right, "Dead Body".

Anyway, the youngest is way out in the Ocean and starts to ride the entire wave in like a dead body, as the other two kids are screaming, when down the way here comes some Canadian tourists.

Yes, you guessed it! My sister, who really wasn't too terribly concerned since she was also a lifeguard and kept ignoring the kids, really had a hard time explaining the whole thing to the concerned citizens!

We are the practical jokers here. And I was the aunt who would teach the kids bad things and send them home...for example the ''ever see a train wreck'' ....open mouth when chewing.

When we were younger my older brother was always picking on us (3 girls). So we decided to get him back. We took his glow-in-the-dark leggos and made a big monster (we thought it looked like one) and stuck the thing under the light forever. After he was asleep we tiptoed in his room and dangled the thing above his head and woke him up. I never thought I'd hear a boy scream like that. He about peed his pants, we almost did too. Next thing we hear is dad yelling up the steps ''WHAT ARE YOU DOING, BACK TO BED!!!'' Boy did we take off...paybacks are always better!!

Imagine my pride when my dad taught my DD ( the only girl in the family) how to do the pull my finger trick. I can only roll my eyes at him because she practiced and practiced to get the timing down, and was SO excited when she did!

Dad is actually the source of quite a few gems. My kids usually go to stay with them for a couple of weeks each summer, and they're always coming home with Papa stories. (Of course, I have heard them all before, since he did the same things to us when we were kids). One of the best is when he stops the car in the middle of the road ( dirt roads in the woods) for no apparent reason. Gets out of the car, and looks intently at something on the road. Gets back in, and says, That's something you seldom ever see. Of course the kids are saying what, what??? to which he replies: A piss ant on crutches. Or sometimes it's "bird poop in a cuckoo clock.

Wow those were so funny I cried too!!

I have a few to add

-My parents have had the same friends since before I was born (I am 30) and when one of their kids answered the door back in the 1970's I still hear this story.
My mom and dad: "Hi Pammy. Are mom and dad home?"
(little 4yr old Pam goes back behind the front door and comes back a minute later looking nervous)
My mom and dad: "Did you find them?"
Pammy: "um... Theyre upstairs having compli-cations."

-I babysat an incredibly intelligent 5yr old named Rachel when I was a teenager. One day this was our conversation
"Rachel, do you want a peanut butter and jelly sandwich for lunch?"
(No answer, she is into her movie Bambi)
"How 'bout tuna?"
"What about turkey?"(... me looking impatient)
She says: "Its inconsequential"

Gotta wonder where they hear these things from. SOOO funny.

Ok, I keep laughing and my almost 4 year old keeps asking me why I am laughing at her. So then I tell her that Im not laughing at her and she says well, just tell me who you are laughing at and I will go tell them, mama. So then I am laughing until I am crying and she keeps asking Mama, why are you crying? So then she is offering me all her treasured toys to help me stop crying.

You all are cracking me up.

One night my niece and nephew (14 & 16)spent the night with us. They along with my daughter (11) like to play lights out. Once its dark we turn everything off in the house and cover the clocks. Then they hide and I see if I can find them (scare them I say). My daughter and niece were sitting in the hallway, me trapped now of course. They had no idea I was back there. They are sitting there singing to keep themselves calm. I crawl forward and slowly grab ahold of a nearby door and slam it shut. Boy did they jump and scream!! It was the funniest thing I ever heard!!

(we also did this with my ex, except everyone was hiding and the seeker had a ball, you get hit in the dark, your it. lemme say, this was soooo dangerous...lost a good lamp!)

the people who built my huse were DEVOUT catholics, and they built an altar in the back of this hallway with a kneeling bench and some doors that close in front of it. my sister is scared of it because of all the catholic statues they found in it when my grandparents moved in.....


my grandmother has since turned the altar into a linen cabinet. a few years ago, she and my sister were setting the table for a dinner party we were having, and i heard my grandmpther tell my sister to go get a tablecloth from the linen cabinet. so i got in the linen cabinet and shut the door. the end of the hallway were it is, is super dark even with the lights on. she opens the door to the linen cabinet and i jumped and screamed. she feel backwards into the open door across the hall and drooled all over her nice shirt. lmao. it was freaking hilarious!


once again, i was in trouble for scaring my siblings. lol.

Just last night......

HUbby and 15 year old were having a heated discussion on razors (don't ask ...you'd have to be around them all the time to understand!). Hubby mentioned that he doesn't like the new 5-blade razors but he has a problem finding the 3-blade. 15-yr old daughter was telling him he could buy the pink ones like she uses, and she would happily take his 5-blade(which of course elevated the discussion another level on how he's not using a pink razor).

Hubby eventually gets back to his 5-blade rant and says "more is not better". 15-year old said "To women it is". Hubby sternly told her "That is crossing the line! You don't talk like that, especially around me!"

Her eyes got real big and she said, "I'm talking about razors!!" Well I burst out laughing, hubby is trying NOT to laugh and not doing a good job of it. 15-year old is sitting there doing the "what? what?" thing.