Okay - I am awful at telling jokes, but I do have one joke that I love. I heard it on the radio one day and almost ran off the road. The problem is that some people get it and some don't. At the same time - I think it is funny and others just look at me and think - "She is stupid!"

Okay - here goes -

Two camels were walking across the desert and one camel looked at the other camel and said "I don't care what anyone says - I'm thirsty!"

I laughed just typing it! Anyone else out there have their "one joke?"

Come on - we work with sugar! I know you all have jokes!

darn I wish I could share but the few I remember aren't completely "clean". Not awful, but probably shouldn't post anyway.


anyone else?

A man goes into a pet shop and hears a parrot singing, quoting Shakespeare and whistling fabulous show tunes. The man asks the pet shop owner, "How much do you want for that parrot?" The shop owner replies, "Oh, you don't want that parrot, he has bad habits." So, the man thinks about it for a minute then asks, "Does he poop outside his cage?". "Nope", says the owner. "Does he chew up the furniture?", the man asks. "Nope", says the pet shop owner. "Well, does he bite?". "Nope", replies the owner. "Okay, then that is all I need to know. I will take him."

The man gets the parrot home and all is well, that is until...a friend comes to visit the man. As soon as the man opens the door for his friend, the parrot starts cussing, screaming foul words at the visitor and the man is so embarrassed, he covers the parrots cage. The bird continues to throw out profanities at the guest.

Finally the guest leaves and the man is furious at the parrot. He says to the bird, "I am going to teach you a lesson. You will learn what happens when you talk dirty." So, the man puts the parrot in the freezer for a few minutes. He takes the parrot out and says, "Do you think you have learned your lesson?" The parrot replied, "Y-e-e-s-s-s-s-s!", as he stood there shivering. "Will you ever use bad language again?", said the man. "Noooooooooo", answered the parrot. "But, I do have one question", the parrot stated. "Go ahead, what is it?", said the man.

"I just want to know one thing ...what did the chicken do?"

LMAO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

cakesunleashed, that's too cute!

Okay - that is what I am talking about! Come on yall!!!

Cakesunleashed, that is a good one...took me a couple of seconds though!

As a person who worked in an office for many years, I especially enjoyed this one:

Last Laugh
A young executive was leaving the office at 6 p.m. when he found the CEO standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand.

"Listen," said the CEO, "this is a very sensitive and important document, and my secretary has left. Can you make this thing work?"
"Certainly," said the young executive.

He turned the machine on, inserted the paper, and pressed the start button.

"Excellent, excellent!" said the CEO as his paper disappeared inside the machine,

"I just need one copy."

I love the camel joke.

Mine is stupid and told to me by a little kid many years ago and maybe only those from the south will get it.

Why did the chicken cross the road?

To show the armadillo that it could be done.



Michele

Oh yeah! I like that one!

Okay, mine are lame, but all the old Little Johnny jokes and "On top of Cherry Hill."

what did the blind man say when he passed the fish market?

"Evening ladies".
-----------------------------------------------

Lady takes her husband to the doctor. he is deathly ill. doctor examines him and wants to speak to her in private. tells her husband can improve but she has to give him tender loving care, rub his back, feed him well, massages, anything to help his recovery. she thanks the doctor. on the way home her husband asks her what did the doctor say? She said, "He said you gonna die"

How many Police Officers does it take to push a suspect down the stairs?

None...he tripped.

LOL LOL LOL Dale glad to see ya!!



two guys walk into a bar...Second one said "I didn't see it either"

Three little piggies walk into a restaurant. When the waiter comes the first one orders a Coke. The second one orders a Sprite. The third one orders a beer.

When the waiter comes back for their order, the first one orders a salad. The second asks for a steak. The third orders another beer.

For dessert, the first pig wants cheesecake. The second wants apple pie. The third orders another beer.

Being perplexed by this, the waiter has to know what is going on with the third pig. So he askes why he passed up the opportunity for all this good food and just had beer all night. The pig replies......

Are you ready for this?.....

You're gonna love it.......

"Well, someone has to go wee, wee, wee all the way home!!!!!!"

Did you hear the Energizer Bunny was arrested? He was charged with battery!

Confucius say Man who live in glass house should dress in basement.

Confucius say If at first you don't succeed skydiving is not for you.

Why are their so many Johnsons in the phonebook--they all have phones.

If corn oil comes from corn--Where does baby oil come from?

now my tummy hurts!!!!!



Right now I can't think of one (only some in French ) as soon as I get one I'll post it!!!

Got this in an email a while back. I'm nowhere near retirement, but I'll have to remember this:

The Joy of Being Retired

Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to
make their days interesting. Well, for example, the other day I
went downtown and went into a shop. I was only in there for about
5 minutes and when I came out there was a cop writing out a parking
ticket. I went up to him and said, "Come on, man, how about giving
a retired person a break"?

He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. I called him a
"Nazi." He glared at me and started writing another ticket for
having worn tires. So I called him a "doughnut eating Gestapo." He
finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the
first. Then he started writing a third ticket. This went on forabout 20 minutes. The more I abused him, the more tickets he
wrote. Personally, I didn't care. I came downtown on the bus and
the car that he was putting the tickets on had a bumper sticker
that said "Cheney in '08."

I try to have a little fun each day now that I'm retired.

It's important to my health.

this is actually a true story that happened to my dad Dexter many, many years ago..... He was pulled over for speeding and when the cop came up to the car with his ticket pad flipped open, Dexter unrolled the window and said real loud at him "yeah, I'd like one cheeseburger an order of fries a large coke and a small chocolate milk shake"

as a side note my dad got reamed out by the cop and the ticket mysterously increased in the $$$ amount.

The owner of a golf course was confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help.

He called her into office and said, 'You graduated from college and I need some help. If I were to give you $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?"

"Everything, but my earrings."

Q. What's a mixed feeling?

A. When you see your mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your
new car.


Q. What's the definition of macho?

A. Jogging home from your vasectomy.


Q. Why is divorce so expensive?

A. Because it's worth it.

Never Argue with a Woman

One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and
decides to take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors, and reads her book.

Along comes a Game Warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman
and says, "Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?"

"Reading a book," she replies, (thinking, "Isn't that obvious?")
"You're in a Restricted Fishing Area," he informs her.
"I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading."
"Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at
any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up."

"If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault," says the
woman.

"But I haven't even touched you," says the game warden.
"That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could
start at any moment."
"Have a nice day ma'am," and he left.

MORAL: Never argue with a woman who reads. It's likely she can also
think.

Fifty-one years ago, Herman James, a North Carolina mountain man, was
drafted by the Army. On his first day in basic training, the Army issued him a comb. That afternoon the Army barber sheared off all his hair. On his second day, the Army issued Herman a toothbrush. That afternoon the Army dentist yanked seven of his teeth. On the third day, the Army issued him a jock strap. The Army has been looking for Herman for 51 years.

Late one afternoon the woman's husband came in looking dejected. "What happened, bad day at the golf course?" "Yeah, George had a heart attack on the 8th hole this morning!" "Oh my gosh" said the wife, "what did you do?"

"Well, all day long it was tee off, and drag George!"

Eight Words with two Meanings

1. THINGY (thing-ee) n.
Female...... Any part under a car's hood.
Male..... The strap fastener on a woman's bra.

2. VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
Female.... Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.
Male.... Playing football without a cup.

3. COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.
Female... The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's
partner.
Male.. . Leaving a note before taking off on a fishing trip with the
boys.

4. COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n.
Female.... A desire to get married and raise a family.
Male...... Trying not to hit on other women while out with this one.

5. ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.
Female.... A good movie, concert, play or book.
Male...... Anything that can be done while drinking beer.

6. FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.
Female.... An embarrassing byproduct of indigestion.
Male...... A source of entertainment, self-expression, male bonding.

7 MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n.
Female...... The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.

Male.. Call it whatever you want, just as long as we do it.

8. REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
Female.... A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
Male... A device for scanning through all 375 channels every 5
minutes.

i LOVE this joke!


At about 3AM, I was drunk as a skunk. I came home just in time to hear the cuckoo clock cuckoo three times. Quickly coming up with a plan, I cuckooed nine more times, hoping my husband would think it was midnight. I was very proud of myself.

The next day, my husband asked what time I got home, and I replied, "Midnight, just like I said."

he said that was good, and for some reason he said we needed a new cuckoo clock. When I asked why, he answered, "Last night when it cuckooed midnight, it cuckooed three times, said 'Shit!,' cuckooed four more times, farted, cuckooed three times, cleared its throat, cuckooed two more times and then started giggling."

hahaha

These jokes have perfect timing. Work sucks and I needed a pick-me-up.

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

I love that lawyer joke, I was married to one of "them" years ago.

What do you need when a lawyer is up to his neck in sand? More sand. Janice

Why do Police Officers always wear neckties?

Keeps their foreskin from popping up over their eyes...