Dumb, but I like this one:
A turtle goes up to a house and knocks on the door. A man opens the door, looks around, doesn't see anyone so he closes the door. The turtle knocks again. The same man opens the door, looks around, doesn't see anyone until he looks down and sees the turtle. He picks up the turtle and chucks it accross the street.
Ten years later, there's a knock at the same door and the same man answers. The turtle is there and he says.....
What'd you do that for?
What's the difference between in-laws and outlaws?
Outlaws are wanted!
Three ladies are sitting in the sauna - one German, one Japanese, and one hillbilly.
They are sitting there when a radio pager goes off. The German lady puts her fingers on her wrist and starts talking into it. The other two look at her and when she's finished, she says, "I have a pager implanted in my wrist".
A little while later, a cell phone rings. The Japanese lady puts her hand to her ear and starts talking. The other two look at her and when she's finished, she says, "I have a cell phone implanted in my palm".
The hillbilly is definitely feeling a little technologically challenged, so gets out of the sauna. A short time later she returns with toilet tissue hanging out of her butt. The other two look at her and she turns around, looks, and says, "Oh! I must be receiving a fax!"
LOL.
You guys, & gals are cracking me UP!!
I love the blind man joke.
____________________________________________
Why did the blonde have a sore belly button?
Cause she had a blonde boyfriend. 
Duuuuaaaaaa
) Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the
pearly gates.
"In honor of this holy season," Saint Peter said, "you must each
possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven."
The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He
flicked it on.
It represents a candle, he said.
You may pass through the pearly gates Saint Peter said.
The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys.
He shook them and said, "They're bells."
Saint Peter said you may pass through the pearly gates.
The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and
finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.
St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, "And just
what do those symbolize?"
The man replied, "These are Carols."
Horribly corny but I love these!!
There's these two cannibals sitting around eating a comedian one day. The first one looks at the second one, wrinkles his nose and says "This taste funny to you?"
Q.What was the last thing Batman said to Robin before they got in the car?
A. Hey Robin, get in the car.
These are kind of old, but here goes...
A couple argues every morning about who should make the coffee. The husband said his wife should since she gets up before he does. the wife said he should because he has more time. This continues until the woman said that the Bible has it in there that the husband should. She gets her Bible & point to HEbrews...
The was a man who broke into a house & was loading up a bag when he heard " Jesus is watching you." He kept going through the house all the while hearing " Jesus is watching you." He finally gets to a room where a huge bird is in a cage. The bird keeps saying " Jesus is watching you." The robber asked the bird" What's your name bird?" the bird said
"Moses." The robber asked "What idiot names their bird Moses?" The bird replied" The same idiot that named thier rotweiler Jesus."
My favorite was told to me by my son when he was 12 years old. Lots of my women friends are offended by it but I say (1) you have been warned and (2) life is too short not to laugh!!
Do you know why the woman crossed the road?
Heck, I can't figure out what she's doing out of the kitchen!
Two little boys in first grade were chosen to be the leads in their first school play. It was to be a Shakespearean play. The first little boy was to say, "My fair maiden.... I have come to snatch a kiss and fill your soul with hope."
The second little boy was to reply by saying, "Hark!, a pistol shot."
On opening night in the school auditorium, the two little boys were a bit nervous, knowing that all the seats were going to be filled with grown-ups.
The teacher told them to take their places on the stage and to remember to speak very loud as soon as the curtain went up. The curtain rose and looking out upon the audience the two boys were terrified. They stood there frozen. The teacher whispered for them to begin. The first boy yelled out these unforgettable words..... "My fair maiden.... I have come to kiss your snatch, and fill your hole with soap!"
The second boy screams out....."Hark! a shistol pot, a postle shiss, a pot of sh**, horse sh**, this is bull sh**... I never wanted to be in this lousy play anyway..."
The audience left howling.
Why do women wear white at their wedding?
So the dishwasher matches the other appliances.
Why are women terrible drivers?
Because there's no highway to the kitchen.
What did the farmer say when he lost his tractor?
Where's my tractor?
Dumb one but still makes me laugh just thinking about it.
What do you call some one else's cheese?
Nacho cheese
two complete strangers are on a train and unfortunatly end up being booked in the same sleeping car by accident. Because there are no other rooms available the man and woman decide to just keep the room. They make awkward small talk and then go to sleep, with the woman sleeping in the top bed. Minutes after crawling into bed the woman leans over, looks at the man and says "Hey, could you do me a favor and get me a blanket?" The man looks at her and says "You know what would be fun. How about for tonight let's act like we're married." The woman coyly agrees. So then the man says "Ok great! Get your own Damn blanket!"
This one is really long, but well worth it! 
She spent the first day packing her belongings into boxes, crates and suitcases. On the second day, she had the movers come and collect her things. On the third day, she sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining room table by candle-light, put on some soft background music, and feasted on a pound of shrimp, a jar of caviar, and a bottle of spring-water. When she had finished, she went into each and every room and deposited a few half-eaten shrimp shells dipped in caviar into the hollow of the curtain rods.
She then cleaned up the kitchen and left. When the husband returned with his new girlfriend, all was bliss for the first few days.
Then slowly, the house began to smell.
They tried everything; cleaning, mopping and airing the place out. Vents were checked for dead rodents and carpets were steam cleaned. Air fresheners were hung everywhere. Exterminators were brought in to set off gas canisters, during which they had to move out for a few days and in the end they even paid to replace the expensive wool carpeting. Nothing worked.
People stopped coming over to visit.
Repairmen refused to work in the house.
The maid quit.
Finally, they could not take the stench any longer and decided to move.
A month later, even though they had cut their price in half, they could not find a buyer for their stinky house. Word got out and eventually even the local realtors refused to return their calls. Finally, they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to purchase a new place.
The ex-wife called the man and asked how things were going. He told her the saga of the rotting house. She listened politely and said that she missed her old home terribly and would be willing to reduce her divorce settlement in exchange for getting the house back.
Knowing his ex-wife had no idea how bad the smell was, he agreed on a price that was about 1/10th of what the house had been worth, but only if she were to sign the papers that very day. She agreed and within the hour his lawyers delivered the paperwork.
A week later the man and his girlfriend stood smiling as they watched the moving company pack everything to take to their new home.........
And to spite the ex-wife, they even took the the curtain rods!!!!!!
the CEO standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand.
Oh that's cute!
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