Hi, my name is Jackie I'm a 41 year old Mother of 3 and i"m gay! That is NOT my problem! LOL....Here is the problem....I would really like to get involved in the cake club in my area, so I can talk to others about decorating cakes and learn new things.....I actually went to 1 meeting close to 2 years ago and although everyone seemed nice I didn't go back because I was afraid to tell them I'm gay! there seem to be quite a few somewhat religious women there and I just don't know if I would accepted. I am completely OUT to everyone I know and I do Live with my Life Partner! To see me you would never guess that I'm gay, I am very much a girly girl. However I don't want to lie....and If I did hide it my partner would never be able to come to any functions or competitions to support. I want her to be able to share this part of my life with me, after all she is my biggest fan. I really don't know what to do about it. So please if you have any advice I am all ears. Thank you for taking your time to read this.

Hey Jackie - I really can't speak for the women in your group - but you can have my perspective. We have a cake club, and I am very Christian - but if you were in my area, I would love to have you in my club - and your partner at all events.
I would hope that people could be bigger than their beliefs - it's okay to disagree and not always see eye to eye. If they are wise, they will not judge you (who are they to judge?) -but see you as the valuable individual that you are.
But I don't know these women or how they would behave. I wish you the best and hope you find a cake club that loves you and you feel comfortable in.

I'm honestly looking for some education here .... when I join a group, I dont' introduce myself as "I'm Debi and I'm hetero." Why would someone join a group and say "I'm Debi and I'm gay."?

I guess I'm asking why is it any of their business or why is it pertinent? These same religious women could take offense at someone married to someone of a different race, of people living together or even someone who just dates a lot of different partners. Yet a person doesn't walk into a group and say, "I'm Debi and I'm a slut."

I don't think it should be hidden .... you're "out" with everyone you know so treat being gay as a matter of fact, not as something that these people should "accept" or "approve" of.

If I'm a member of a cake club, I'd welcome anyone with cake skills or anyone who was interested in cakes and developing cake skills. I'm not really interested in talking about your or my sexual preferences .... I just wanna talk cake with you!

Those who really luv cake will luv ya!!

A cake club is not unlike any other group. Join in, and reveal your personal stuff as it is appropriate. Besides, if people get to know you before you say "my partner and I" they may choose to take another look at any biases they may have.

Just be a cake decorator for a while, and it will be fine.

dydemus thank you for you acceptance and Debi you also, but as far as your question of why would someone come in and introduce themselves and then say oh by the way I'm gay ( although I'm sure we both know it wouldn't come out quite that way ) is simply self preservation I guess! Just like the fact that someone my be a slut doesn't affect the group, neither does the fact that I am gay! However what happens when someone finds out something they consider a secret about a person in the group. That person usually ends up being the out cast. So I would perfer people know as up front as possible to avoid a bad out come. Although it is true we are there to learn, you must admit that these are also social gatherings so it remains difficult to keep your family life a secret. While others talk about their husbands and children, I wouldn't want to feel like I am hiding something. I am very proud of my family and they of me. It's really as simple as that!

It's not that you would ever introduce yourself as gay, as you say. But when you start getting to know people you start sharing facts about yourself..."do you have kids?"..."yes, 3, Billy, Bobby, Suzi"..."oh that's nice." (and then noticing that you may not have a wedding ring on)..."And what does your husband do?"...and you size up this new person you are meeting for the first or second time with whom you would like to share cake decorating techniques and potentially form a friendship and notice the gold cross around her neck and the "Adam+Eve NOT Adam+Steve" bumper sticker on her car and you get a little scared to share this part of your life with her and you avoid the question or change the subject so you don't have to see the flicker of horror/fear/pity/shock in her eyes and instead retain your dignity.

Worst case scenario/stereotyping, right? It may be, but that is a real fear for many gay people in our society.

As far walking into a room and advertising your homosexuality vs. advertising your heterosexuality, well it's pretty much always assumed that a person is hetero, right? So there's no reason to advertise or announce or "come out" as a heterosexual...you just talk about your life and the people in it with no fear of repercussions (except yes, perhaps, depending on where you live, the ethnic origin of your partner).

I'm not trying to preach, I just think that these fears are absolutely valid and most likely come from years of Jackie's experience of having to justify the love she lives for someone of the same gender.

Having said that, the bigger of an issue you make it yourself, Jackie, the bigger of an issue it will probably be in the cake club or anywhere else. There's something to be said for standing tall (without defiance) and stating who you are, no matter who's asking. As long as there is mutual respect there, things generally go okay, right?

Following your logic for presenting possible reasons for the group not to accept you I should walk into it and say: "Hi, I'm slightly pagan. My 8 year old has been known to say stuff like 'but you don't have church on EASTER do you?' My 4 year old thinks that church is somewhere to play at when he goes with his grandma to change colors. Both boys think that Jesus is a baby in a Christmas story and a little people toy, they think the purpose of Christmas revolves around the solstice." Just in case they might reject me since so many are Christian. OR walk into a group of white people and announce that I'm married to a Native American in case they might have a problem with mixed marriages and would reject me when they find out.

I honestly think the direct approach to this is more likely to turn people off than insure that you won't be rejected later. I personally don't want to know what everyone's doing in the bedroom and their religious beliefs are their own.

If they do reject you when they find out than you can go knowing that you really don't want to be part of that group anyway.

I too would say "welcome to the group" if I were in a cake group and you wanted to join. I am a Christian and I know that it's not my job to judge anyone for the way they live their life. I may not agree with it but that's my right and you have the right to live your life the way you see fit. But I try my best not to judge another person for what they do. That's God's job not mine.

I do hope you find a cake club where they will accept you and you feel welcome to share your love of cake

Hi Jackie. I somewhat agree with Debi, I don't think a direct approach is the best step. Some people get put off by that too. Nobody else has to do it, so you shouldn't either. Even if it is something some may judge you for or think you were "hiding" (which is silly, it's none of their business and has nothing to do with cakes).

I'd like to think we are a bit more accepting these days but I know my glasses are a bit rosier than others.

I would suggest simply slipping it in when it comes up in conversation. If you're asked if you have a family.."yes, I have 3 kids that I raise with my partner..."

Whatever you decide, I wish you the best and hope that nothing skips a beat and you are received with open arms.

this is how i feel....why do you have to say anything? so you join and then one day when something is going on that your partner is there who's business is it? i don't join things and say hi my name is Carla and i am strait. thats just silly. good for you for being so open but if people gather to do something they love and are good at than it doesn't matter what your sexual preference is. it just matters that you love to decorate and you want to share that with others. if others see you different because your wife shows up instead of your husband then they have the problem not you. they should seek advice not you. be confident don't worry about the old biddies but be friends with the ones who accept you for who you are whether you come right out and tell them or they find out when your wife shows up to support you. thats just my two cents worth. sorry if i sounded like i was preaching it just makes me mad that people have to worry about not being accepted because of a part of their life. that is your life not theirs

I agree with many people here. There's no need to advertise your private life. Of course, there will likely be a time when a group talks more about their families, at that time, you can comfortably talk about your family. Usually when you're getting to know someone, you talk about bits and pieces and slowly get to know their personal life. I don't see any reason to baldly state "I'm gay", particularly if you're concerned about rejection. Maybe if they get a chance to know you and see that you're just like them, a loving mother and partner and great cake decorator, they will be less likely to judge based on your sexual preference. I don't think you should hide it, but reveal your personal life as it feels comfortable and natural to do so.
I hope that this group works out for you and I truly hope that you don't feel that you have to hide in order to enjoy cake decorating. (or anything else in life!!)

My Dh and I have a friend who is gay....whom we happen to ADORE...he is one of the nicest, sweetest, do anything for you kind of guy anywhere (heck he is practically one of us girls) anyway we throw a big super bowl party every year and at first I was worried about my Dad meeting him, I dont think he had knowingly ever been around a gay person before and I didnt want him saying something stupid ya know...cause we really do love this guy!! Anyway now my Dad even talks about how great/funny/interesting etc he is.... sometimes I dont think we give one another enough credit, yes there are some close minded people out there but I HAVE to think that most of us are decent and accepting folks! I say join the club....I wouldnt announce it at the first meeting ....but I wouldnt hide it either, treat it as any other detail like your age, employment, etc etc.

I completely understand why you would be concerned. First I will say I AM a Christian (Hubby is a preacher) and the meanest people I have ever known claim to be a Christian.

I would join the group if I were you, but be prepared for people to talk, unfortunately that's what some people will do. I would be upfront and honest. I would think you would feel sooo uncomfortable trying to keep it on the down low.

Be yourself and I bet you will make some new friends! If for some reason you were looked down on or treated in a bad manner, then you wouldn't want to be a part of that club stratght or gay!

Good luck, Sherri

I say go for it. If they want to be hateful 'christians' so to speak... well then it's their loss. I am well aware of the need to self-protect, and I hate to see some of my friends feel as though they have to hide their 'true' selves when they are out in public. People can be mean, but if you don't try, you may be missing out on a great opportunity. I bet that you will find people just like those of us here who have responded.

Denise

Hi Jackie! I agree with others who have said that I would openly welcome you into my cake club, regardless of your sexuality, gender, religion, etc. I know that not everyone is like that, but I always like to hope that most people are more open minded now than ever before. My very best friend is gay, and I have several other close friends who are gay, so I have watched them struggle through different issues in their lives. I hate that there are still any struggles for gay people (or anyone who is perceived as "different", - whatever that may mean! - for that matter), but unfortunately, there are still lots of judgmental and closed-minded people in the world. Anyway, I guess I got long-winded there. In any event, if it were me, I would go to the cake club meeting and not immediately come out and say that you're gay. I'm sure that once you get to know people, you will feel more comfortable bringing it up in conversation. My hope is that whatever their beliefs are, they will accept you for who you are and what you can contribute to your common love for caking (and won't judge you or dislike you because you are in love with a woman instead of a man ... after all, that really is what it comes down to, right?!). Please let us know what happens.

Hi Jackie. I have been a member, volunteer and on the board of directors of our local LGBT community center for the past 10years. I am one of two straight members there. I have a pretty strong "Gaydar" and can usually tell after being around someone for awhile, but let me tell you that after I wrote an article in our newsletter about why I volunteered at the Rainbow community center, and mentioned that I was straight and as far as I knew all of my children were as well. You would be surprised how many people who had known me for several years there came up to me after they read the article and told me that just assumed I was Lesbian. I laughed and told them you can't always tell by looking. So, some people at a cake club might pick up on it, others won't. Whether you come out to them is your choice, and you should do what is comfortable for you.

Being gay in Arizona may not be the same as in California but I think you are expecting judgement when that may not be the case at all. This is the year 2007, many people are more open and accepting than in the past. I have a feeling you will meet some really nice people there where it won't make any difference to them if you are gay or straight, religious or not. If you are just yourself that should be enough for them. Talk to your partner about it as well. You will probably have events at the club where partners, children or friends of members are invited to attend. You should be able to bring your partner along and feel comfortable and most of all, proud of who you are. I just want to add one thing, in response to Debi's comment. Being gay is about much more than sexual preference, or sexuality, just as being heterosexual is about more than our sexuality.

And by the way, 10 years later I have found the answer to the question of whether I am gay or one of my children happens to be, I have been asked that at the center many times. My answer then was that as far as I knew we were all straight. And then last year my 19 year old granddaughter came out. I just had to laugh and tell her I KNEW there was a reason I had joined the Rainbow Community Center, I was practising for when she came out!

Each year the center has an event called Honor's Night in which they honor people who have been supportive or contributed to the center in some way. This year they came up with a new award and I was humbled when they chose me as the first person to receive this honor. I am now officially an "Honorary Homosexual" The award is actually given to someone who has been a bridge between the gay community and the straight community. When I first joined the center my daughter said "Mom, is there something you want to tell us?" Now I can openly say to her that Yes, I am an HONORARY Homosexual.

Hi, Jackie.
I think everyone has pretty weel said everything I am thinking. (But I never could resist putting in my two cents worth!)
Indydebi said it best - why is it necessary to introduce yourself as "Gay"? I'm not suggesting it be hidden, but why would it come up at all? You are joining a Cake Group, not a Sexual Preference Group!
I understand it may be difficult for you at times, anticipating a possible negative reaction, but the bottom line is, You are You. What you do behind closed doors is nobody else's business.
When a function comes up where you would like to include your partner, do so with pride! Should anyone have a problem with your choice of partner - well, that's their problem.
Good luck with this. I am sure nobody on this site doesn't understand your dilemma, but I hope that the support we are all freely giving you will give you the courage to just go for it
P.S. - ShirleyW - thank you for a great giggle (in the nicest possible way!)
What an honor!! Well done!!

I say join the cake club and let everyone get to know you as a person. Personal / family things that are to be revealed will come out naturally and by then they will have already known you as a person and will not be so quick to judge and will be more accepting. Let us know when you join and how it is going. BTW - your cakes are cool.

Thank you all for your understanding, support and kind words! I guess buy just saying this it's kind of "stereo typing" and by no means do I like to lump people into groups, but I guess to get the best Idea of my situation I should tell you that it seems that many of the ladies at this meeting are morman. The only reason I know this is that it came up in the coruse of conversation A LOT. I will however take your advice and see what happens. I guess the worst thing that can really happen is that I don't go back. Thank you again for your encouragement.
Thank you Shirley also for all your support of our comumity. You are all right begin gay is so very much more than what goes on in the bedroom. I think if more people understood that more people would be accepting. I do understand that people are just afraid of diffrent. If they could just know that I'm certainly not spending my time thinking about what may or may not be going on in their bedrooms maybe they would keep their mind out of mine. Shirley congratulations on your Granddaughter.Tell her I said welcome to the family.
Thanks again
Jackie

I'm totally in agreement with Debi here!

Have you joined ICES yet? If you want a really accepting group of bakers/cake decorators that get together periodically, that's your place because everyone is just interested in cakes. Gay/straight isn't a topic at days of sharing! The reason is because the only thing that matters is the cake and sharing ideas. You never know, you might be the resource if they have a request for a commitment ceremony what the proper etiquette is on the cake.

The reason I ask is because I'll admit, I've also got that "gaydar" with people it's not always correct, but the greatest thing I've noticed is that no one truly cares anymore if you're gay. They really don't as long as you aren't pushing your gayness on them like a religious conversion and they aren't pushing their hetroness on you like a religious conversion. Yes, spouses come up in discussions lots of times, but gay couples have most of the same issues as straight. The other annoys the heck out of them sometimes LOL..

Go have fun at the cake club, use discretion as is normal whether you're hetro or gay (neither one dishes TOO much on their relationships), and just be yourself!!!