Hand raised for both Barney Fife and Jethro Bodine!
Things are so different here in AR. I am originally from CT where weddings are normal. My DD is getting married in April, along with all the "normal" costs, the brides parents also pay for all the bridesmaids dresses, and shoes. I had never heard of that before. So the issue of the expense goes away for the friends, but falls on us

I'm raising my hand, and yelling ," Tick a lock, tick a lock!"

I'm with all of the above. You need to quit while you are ahead. As a recent Mother of the groom, I can assure you, WEDDINGS ARE FREAKING EXPENSIVE!
And at the risk of going on an all out mother of the bride rant and just what DID they pay for after all, I'm going to quit while I'm ahead!

But I will tell you this: We were really, REALLY ticked off when we found out, that after the kids opened their 'gifts' in front of the mother of the bride, she reached out her cloven hoof and said, "We still have $800 of wedding bills that haven't been paid yet!
That was low, really low.

its better to talk to her early than late; that way she can plan ahead if things don't go her way. She's probably really happy about her wedding that she doesn't think about how expensive it would be for others.

Lumpy Rutherford, Maynard G. Krebs, Thalia Meninger, Margie Albright anyone?

Here are more details:

Her fiance and fiance's family are ridiculously wealthy. Her fiance's sister has taken over the roll as wedding planner and since she can afford all of this, she thinks everyone can as well. So naturally, my sister would be blind-sided to do this type of event.

Literally after 1 week of being engaged, the reception location was already picked, her dress was already chosen as well as the bridesmaids dresses.
Just to give you an idea- her and her fiance are going on a 21-day cruise for their honeymoon costing them $6,500.

To make matters worse, my husband and I are thinking of planning a trip to New York/New Jersey for Christmas AND to celebrate my birthday (12/24). This trip is also expensive, but I am really looking forward to it.... I never really get to enjoy my birthday or do something different since it's Christmas Eve and I told my hubby that this year I want to do something to enjoy it...

I hate confrontation though. Would it be worse if I wrote it in an e-mail?

Try not to consider it confrontation. You have simply tallied up all the expenses, at the same time you and your husband are contemplating a trip to NY/NJ in December, and you've realized that the wedding expenses just do not fit into your budget w/ other things that you have going over the next 6 months. "Thank you for inviting me to participate, but I must bow out graciously." Unless all the other friends she has invited to be bridemaids are loaded, I doubt you will be the only to say that you just can't do this right now.

Way to go, q2!
Walter Denton, Penny King, Pepino Garcia, Betty Ramsey, Wally Plumstead?
Now wonder I have no short-term memory. My brain is clogged with useless OLD TV trivia.

Actually I think an email is good. She needs to see a breakdown of costs in writing since (given her financial circumstances) she obviously really doesn't get it.

I'd start by telling her that while you love her very much you are not able to be in the wedding due to the cost. Then give her the very specific list of what it's going to cost you. I'd even throw in there about how you're surprised all of her other bridesmaids can afford it.

Then give her the option of what you can afford if you were going to do it (in the wedding party but not going to Vegas for the bachelorrette party, doing your own hair and makeup, etc.) If she is okay with you not doing certain things then let her choose if she wants you to be in the wedding party.

At this point though I would just be bowing out all together and tell her that you being at the ceremony to support her is what you can afford.

I think an e-mail is a very cowardly way to deal with this. This isn't a confrontation, it's a conversation with a family member. She at least deserves a face-to-face conversation.

You do NOT need to enumerate the expenses and justify why you can't do it. It's not like you have to give her a listing of your net worth. All you have to tell her is that after calculating what it would cost to participate, you have come to the conclusion that you simply can't afford it. PERIOD. No listing of assets, no justifications. You don't owe her an explanation. It just opens you up to the "Well, if you can afford that, why can't you afford this?" discussion and you don't want to go there. It's not her business how you decide to budget your money.

But at least have a gentle, loving conversation with her face-to-face. You do owe her that much.

I agree with Ruth--you don't want to get into an itemized description of what you can't afford, when you already have plans on the table to spend your funds elsewhere. That's just saying 'Hey, i'd rather spend the money on X instead of your Y. Sorry!" and while that maybe the case especially considering your history and it seems some lingering hard feelings about how detached she was for your wedding) , it isn't something that is going to help your relationship.

She is really being taken by the groom's sister and her vision. I just hope that the groom's family will step up and foot the bill for the event at level at which they are accustomed. They just might, you know? If they are having a lot of their friends and family there and want to do it up to expectations, then they have to pony up the money to do so. And that includes paying for dresses, alterations, shoes, makeup, travel, for their party on a destination.

hopefully her bridezilla will burn itself out when it actually has to start writing some checks!

I disagree. Look at how out of control the whole thing is getting! Destination wedding in New Orleans. Bachelorette party in Vegas! Not to mention dress, shoes, bridal shower expenses, etc. etc. It's a REALLY long list.

Dollars to donuts the birde and the planner are caught up in planning all the fun things without even thinking about what this is going to cost other people. And I would be shocked if they actually planned on paying for the bridal parties' expenses. They both need a reality check that just because they can afford all these things doesn't mean everyone else can. I'm willing to bet at least one other bridesmaid would be very thankful if someone pointed that out to them.[/i]

"Everybody on a diet and no pregnant bridesmaids!"


Pass the Oreos, and where's the pool boy?

the diet and pregnancy thing woulda been my cue to turn around immediately and walk fast away..

Trust me, email is NOT the way to handle this. If you don't live near each other, a phone call will have to do. Otherwise, if you can, arrange to meet for lunch.

If you express to your sister that you're so happy she's getting married and that she's obviously going to have a gorgeous wedding (acknowledging her feelings), but you're feeling horrible because you realize, after accepting, that you just cannot afford the choices that have been made.

She can't make you take out a loan to pay for these things. If she gets mad, that's HER problem, not yours. Don't change your name to Mat just so she can walk all over you.

A lot of ifs, but things can go either way, depending on how you handle it. Try not to get angry or cry, as that won't help the conversation (unless she's a sucker for tears ).

Good luck!!!

Been there done that...my step-daughter sprung on us that she would be getting married in Las Vegas in one year, so everyone better start saving their money. I love my step-daughter as if she were my own and I want the world for her. But she needed a reality check. I am barely keeping my head above water as it is, so I told her...Sweetheart, if you want your father to give you away at your wedding, you will have to pay his way there. And, I won't be there either, unless you can afford that ticket too. There is absolutely no way we can begin to slip that into our already tight budget. I love you and I want you to have the wedding of your dreams, but it just isn't something we can do right now. It turned out that she changed her plans because there were many in the same boat as us...they just couldn't afford it right now. So she got married locally, her father gave her away, and it was a beautiful ceremony that everyone could attend. So...maybe we need a price check on isle 9 bob. Sometime the truth really does set you free.

Dear Diary,
I have come back to this forum for the third or fourth day in a row, wondering what happened to the 'Cake Inspector'. It has driven me crazy for days wondering what the final outcome of the story was. I would start to consider seeing a shrink, but I feel there are other cakers who keep tuning into the same channel to see if the saga has ended and if indeed it was a happy ending, therefore, I feel I have not lost my mind altogether.

Perhaps, to keep my sanity, I should starting working out different vignettes in my mind as to what possibly could have happened.

Personally, the thought of some pia getting a 4 tier shoved up the caboose has much appeal to me.
Sadly, I digress.

Perhaps I will have to think of another possible outcome. Perhaps another journal entry for tomorrow.
TTYL