At What Age Do We Stop Letting Our Moms Make Us Feel Crappy
Lounge By karateka Updated 4 Feb 2010 , 6:01am by penguinprincess
I have no emotional ties to my mom although I believe I try I just dont have the I Love You sorta thing going on anymore.
The opposite of love isn't 'hate'. The opposite of love is 'indifference' ..... zero emotional attachment or feeling at all.
Its so hard for many people to understand "zero emotion". I try to explain it as "do you cry when you hear your neighbor's mother's mailman's niece passed away?" No? You know why? Because you have no emotional attachment to the niece." They can't understand how one can be indifferent to "your mother".
If you grew up with mine, you'd understand. 
My daughter is 26 now, but when she was 24 years old my ex's mom called her to tell her how terribly worried she was because Amy was OBVIOUSLY GOING TO BE A SPINSTER!!!!!!!!
OMG.....a SPINSTER! 24 years old.....just got her Masters degree.I still tease her to this day (she's a whopping 26 now, bought her own house last July) that I never dreamed my daughter would grow to the ripe old age of 26 and would still be without a husband!!! She's just been wasting her life!
I'm SO disappointed in my child.....she obviously is a total failure!
Jodie
My mom and dad met and married when they were both stationed outside Londonderry, Northern Ireland (US Navy). My mom was in her early 20s (23 or 24, can't remember which) and had been living on her own and supporting herself since she joined the Navy at 19.
When they went to get their license, she was listed as a "spinster"*, to which she immediately took offense, until the clerk explained to her than spinster did not (and apparently in this case) have a deragatory meaning.
Instead, it meant an unmarried woman that was capable of supporting herself instead of relying on her father for support.
Since at one time the primary way a woman could acheive that was by being a spinster, that is someone spins wool into thread, that was the occupational moniker that became associated with acheiving such independence.
I say all that to say, that all you unmarried gals out there, the next time someone calls you a spinster, thank them! They might not realize it, but they actually just paid you a compliment! 
*I've seen the copy, it's really does list my parents as Prterrell's Dad, bachelor and Prterrell's Mom, spinster.
There is no age. Families, in general, are meant to make each other feel both worthless and priceless. I still haven't quite figured out why that is.
I just stumbled on to this thread and wow, sounds like what's going on in my life. I come from a family of three girls and I am the "middle" one. I was always daddy's girl, until he died 10 years ago. My Mom's favorite is my younger sister. Everything I do is wrong in her eyes. She complains about my 3 kids and has told me I don't deserve my DH. She said that my sister should of had my life and she always puts me down.
Fortunately, I have the best MIL that loves me as her daughter. I love my Mom, but I do so at a distance. Keep your heads up ladies we are all awesome. **HUGS**
I'm glad she didn't, as a mother I try my best not to make anyone feel crappy.
I had not the best of mothers, and was (am) determined to treat my kids, students, et al with respect. Even from a young age they were encouraged to speak up if there was a problem - a rule that felt unfair, etc. (Most Kindergarten teachers liked my preschoolers, but not all.) LOL
That has led to many a discussion. Some I was right, others they were.
I can remember several children being astonished when I apologized to them for something. They didn't realize adults would ever admit they were wrong about anything.
My mom basically dislikes me. She always has grandkids over, but never my kids. When they call to ask to be invited, it's never a good time. My dd was about 5 when she asked to sleep over, and mom said she has to go away so who will watch her. We came over to visit, and my 2 year old nephiew was there. So dd asked mom when she could come, and she answered "when you'll be old enough". After we left, dd asked why is he old enough but i'm not? She also never buys my kids stuff while she buys the other ones so much. If I'll tell her a cute thing my kid did, she'll tell me "Oh, but you should see what xx did! He's so cute!"
When I picked up baking, she told my sister that I'll never do well, they always look so unprofessional, etc etc. Now, she's the one that's always begging me to sell her stuff but I'm not legal so I can't. For different family occasions I stupidly offer her stuff, and she "orders" tons. Since I'm never good enough for her, I am so stressed that I won't please her, so I am a wreck. But all her friends and her sister are busy complimenting her about her talented daughter, so she can never say anything.
My dh is slowlly teaching me how to let all her negativity go right over my head. It's her, not me, since she is the only person in the world that she won't criticize. Oh, also my very negative sister, and my even more negative sister in law. They are perfect, everyone else is worth nothing.
Wow, I feel like I just vented to a therapist. I feel better already.
just-for-fun, sounds to me like you are the "target child". It's unfortunately very common for many families to be abusive towards just one of the children. The other children are taught by their parents' example to contribute to the abuse of their sibling. Honestly, if your mom and sister don't have any use for you or your kids, you'd be better off just cutting them out of your life.
http://www.child-abuse-effects.com/why-parents-target-a-specific-child-for-abuse.html
just_for_fun, those things are more common than you think. I could regale you for days with stories of parents who tell a grandparent of their child's accomplishment like a straight A report card, only to be met with "That sounds just like (insert any other grandchild)! He killed a bug all by himself!"
Had a former sister in law who constantly lamented over how her kids wanted to spend the night at gramma's but gramma "always" had another grandchild over and gramma couldn't handle more than one kid at a time.
Grandparents who always refuse to babysit so mom and dad can grab some alone time at a movie, but if younger sister needs a sitter while she works, gramma not only volumteers but does it for free.
Not saying that gramma "owes" anyone any free babysitting time ..... not saying that at all. It's just the subtle (or not so subtle) slaps in the face that hurt; it's seeing your kids be hurt because it "appears" that gramma loves one gr.child better than others.
It's all of these observations that I've packed away so I can be a good mother-in-law and a good gramma. We bought a small table and chairs set for our grandkids and were calling it "kelli's table", until hubby pointed out we shouldn't get in that habit because when our son had kids, we didn't want his kids to feel like they didn't have a special table at gramma's house. (sometimes I have to give him credit!)
And as the oldest of 6, don't even get me started about the preferential treatment the youngest sister always gets! I've observed this in almost every family I know.
My mom would be my best friend if it weren't for the fact that for some unknown reason she doesn't like my husband. She has major men issues and I think it all gets taken out on him. He started out trying to be a good son in law, and after 15 years of trying he's given up. He's been a carpenter for 17 years, but anytime he tries to fix something for her or build her something he "doesn't know what he's doing". If he gets laid off (very common in the contruction industry, especially right now) he's a lazy no-good. He's a great father, very involved, but if she's around when he disciplines one of our kids she shoots him the nastiest looks. They basically just avoid each other now, he's quit going to her house with us and she only comes over for kids' birthdays and such. It's a super way to live. 
I'm not the only one in the family treated like that, and the rest mostly support us in our decision to call/visit very little. Even that is with no emotional attachment, just polite visiting, like when you visit an old lady down the block just to be nice. I have even learned to tell her no when she asks me for something. I used to bend over backwards to try to please her, but I realized I cannot. Indydebi, it is partially to your credit when I read how you cut off your family, and you seem like such a stable person so it cant be too bad. But I have to credit my husband. he is my backbone in this.
And as the oldest of 6, don't even get me started about the preferential treatment the youngest sister always gets! I've observed this in almost every family I know.
Unfortunately, this isn't always the case.
My sister has four children.
All boys.
All she has ever wanted is a girl.
She is a single mother (lives with my parents). Her next to youngest is autistic. She is exhausted and just done (if you know what I mean).
I don't think she'll ever forgive my youngest nephew, Adam, for not being a girl.
Thank God for my parents. If it wasn't for them I would seriously think about getting custody of Adam.
In fact, almost a year ago, when Adam was just a year old, my sister had to have surgery for an ectopic pregnancy (she's convinced this was her longed-for girl and is still in mourning).
I went to stay with my parents and spent the week mostly taking care of Adam. We really bonded during this time.
Just before I left, I joked that I was going to bring Adam home with me. My sister responded in all seriousness "Okay. I'll see him when you come back for a visit."
My mother and I were horrified.
Sometimes I wonder if I shouldn't have just gone ahead and brought him with me (I didn't b/c my DH didn't want me to, because Adam was bonded to his mother, he'd been breastfed up to this point and was almost inconsolible for the first few days she was in hospital).
I've told her if she has another boy, he's coming home me. She thinks this is a good plan.
And as the oldest of 6, don't even get me started about the preferential treatment the youngest sister always gets! I've observed this in almost every family I know.
Unfortunately, this isn't always the case.
My sister has four children.
All boys.
All she has ever wanted is a girl.
She is a single mother (lives with my parents). Her next to youngest is autistic. She is exhausted and just done (if you know what I mean).
I don't think she'll ever forgive my youngest nephew, Adam, for not being a girl.
Thank God for my parents. If it wasn't for them I would seriously think about getting custody of Adam.
In fact, almost a year ago, when Adam was just a year old, my sister had to have surgery for an ectopic pregnancy (she's convinced this was her longed-for girl and is still in mourning).
I went to stay with my parents and spent the week mostly taking care of Adam. We really bonded during this time.
Just before I left, I joked that I was going to bring Adam home with me. My sister responded in all seriousness "Okay. I'll see him when you come back for a visit."
My mother and I were horrified.
Sometimes I wonder if I shouldn't have just gone ahead and brought him with me (I didn't b/c my DH didn't want me to, because Adam was bonded to his mother, he'd been breastfed up to this point and was almost inconsolible for the first few days she was in hospital).
I've told her if she has another boy, he's coming home me. She thinks this is a good plan.
Well, good lord, let's hope a single mom who lives with her parents and obviously can't take care of the ones she's already got, doesn't plan to have any more, boy or girl. What a self-involved, selfish woman.
When I was pregnant with my first child I wanted a girl so much I couldn't even imagine having a boy. When my daughter was born deaf and mentally retarded, I was inconsolable until my best friend visited me, put her arms around me and whispered to me, "You got your girl." It's probably the most profound thing anyone ever said to me. It really put everthing into perspective. It's too bad that the birth of your sister's son with autism didn't help her realize what is important in her life.
My mother was dead for at least 10 years before I forgave her for the way she treated me as a child. Nothing was ever good enough for her or up to her level of acceptance anyway.
However, to this day, occasionally I will look in the mirror or do something I am proud of and I will hear her mean little whisper in the back of my mind ...
"You will never amount to anything."
"Nothing you ever do will be worth a hill of beans."
"I wish I'd never had children."
Years ago, a psychologist friend taught me a trick. I force myself to stop and mentally go to that tape recorder in my head and pull out the tape and throw it into the trash. Some of the worst "tapes" have been set on fire mentally.
I am happy to say, many of her awful jabs don't go through my mind anymore.
We never out grow the criticism, even when they are dead. But we can take out the trash.
I know exactly how you feel on this one. I still sometimes hear her calling me a black b*tch...a lazy b*tch.... a fat b*tch (even though I was stick thin as a teenager) when I lay down at night. Nothing was good enough for her. I've done just about everything to try to gain her love and acceptance but I know that I will never get it. I know that I am going to have to do what IndyDeby did and eventually cut all ties with my mother....for my health and sanity. She has sabotaged my life in just about every way imaginable. I have already done it with my entire family. Families can either be loving or a toxic poison which brings you down. My family is the latter.
In my family...the males are valued more..even thought none of them have accomplished what I have in a lifetime, especially surviving the abuse that I have. I personally think that all of the men in my family are worthless.
I know that not all mother-daughter relationships are toxic. I know that there are some loving, nurturing, and supportive women out there who do love their daughters as much as they love their sons...who truely want what is best for them. I just wasn't that lucky. It is also true that in the nature of women...we are extremely hard on one another. We all have to admit that envy, jealousy, and competition clouds many women's ability to be objective in dealing with other women in a constructive manner. These characteristics are even more damaging and confusing when the sense of envy, jealousy, and competition is coming from the woman who gave birth to you. It can really mess someone up
Ladies...we were all born with the strenght to survive. Use it.
Ladies...we were all born with the strenght to survive. Use it.
Amen! And not just survive it .... but use it to be better moms to our daughters (and sons!).
That's right....I know I'm gonna be. The cycle stops with me.
Ruth -
Unfortunately my sister just doesn't see the world as the rest of us do.
In her mind, she does provide for her children.
The fact that she can't work (she's had a few jobs in the past and was fired from almost all of them and now no one will hire her)--she has a 9th grade education (dropped out after that year b/c she was pregnant w/ first kid), is almost completely deaf, has cerebal palsy which makes her right hand almost useless and makes her prone to clumsiness, severe learning disabilities and undiagnosed and thus untreated mental illness (at the very least generalized anxiety disorder, but possibly bipolar disorder or borderline personality disorder)--and relies on her deadbeat boyfriend, our parents, and government programs (except disability, which she's applied for repeatedly, but has yet to get) for everything in her mind still equates to her providing for her children. 
My DH and I have offered to pay for her to get sterilized, but she won't do it. She says she won't stop having kids until she has a girl.
I learned over Christmas that her boyfriend is trying to talk her into getting pregnant again because his daughter (he has at least 6 other kids besides the 2 w/ my sister, the oldest of whome is older than my sister) won't have anything to do with him and told him her step-father is her father since he's the one who raised her and so now he wants a girl to be "his". 
She's had 2 c-sections and her OBGYN has told her she needs to get her tubes tied (tried to get her to let him during the last c-section) because further pregnancies are going to increase in their risk to both her and the babies. But she doesn't listen to anyone.
She's incredibly fertile, so I expect she will continue to have children until something happens to force her to stop.
Meanwhile, I'm married to a wonderful and supporting man who has an excellent job and makes a great salary such that I have the luxury of supplementing his income with odd jobs such as substituting, tutoring, baking, and writing; we own a large home; we're both college-educated and everyone tells us we'll be great parents, but we can't have kids of our own because I only have one ovary left and it's not working.
And to put the final nail in my sister's coffin--she doesn't get this and keeps telling me I need to hurry up and have kids because I'm almost too old (I'm almost 32, and she's been telling me this since I was 24).
I love my sister, but I do NOT like her.
prterrell, I know life isn't fair but it sure sucks that it isn't. I wish for you and your husband that hope is not lost and that some day you'll have a child after all. It sounds like a very good thing that you are in your nephews' lives. There's a lot of joy in that, too.
( ( HUG ) )
Thanks, Ruth. I *think* hubby and I are going to start looking into adoption this year. Hubby wanted to have some tests done on us first to confirm what we already knew. He wanted to completely rule out the possibliity of having our own before adopting.
Thanks, Ruth. I *think* hubby and I are going to start looking into adoption this year. Hubby wanted to have some tests done on us first to confirm what we already knew. He wanted to completely rule out the possibliity of having our own before adopting.
But if you adopt-- they still are your own! I have one adopted and one biological -- they are both my own! I don't raise anyone else's kiddos except for my 2 girls!!
-- Please don't take my comment as a criticism-- just more like a very important correction/mind set. Good luck adding to you family!
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