Bad Manners Or Just Me?

Lounge By mbelgard Updated 17 Apr 2009 , 3:48pm by beachcakes

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dailey Posted 31 Mar 2009 , 2:21pm
post #31 of 82
Quote:
Originally Posted by Cakepro

Seriously, is it really eating you up inside to make lemon bars and an extra salad?

Easter is the holiest day of the year and is to be a joyful and peace-filled holyday (although I realize you are a devout atheist and don't feel the same)...and she is family, for crying out loud...so make the food she has requested with a joyful heart and make her a beautiful to-go container as a gift for her leftovers. thumbs_up.gif




really, no kidding, make the lemon bars and call it a day already. lol!

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7yyrt Posted 31 Mar 2009 , 2:45pm
post #32 of 82

I have no idea where the people yelling at others got the idea the OP is pregnant and supposed to be on bedrest? There is nothing in her posts on this thread that states that. Perhaps there are other posts elsewhere?
---
In any case, I wonder if the subject has been explored enough. Any time someone asks opinions on behavior, someone gets heated because someone else doesn't agree with his/her opinion.

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Deb_ Posted 31 Mar 2009 , 3:04pm
post #33 of 82
Quote:
Originally Posted by 7yyrt

I have no idea where the people yelling at others got the idea the OP is pregnant and supposed to be on bedrest? There is nothing in her posts on this thread that states that. Perhaps there are other posts elsewhere?
---
In any case, I wonder if the subject has been explored enough. Any time someone asks opinions on behavior, someone gets heated because someone else doesn't agree with his/her opinion.




?????????I think you're confusing this thread with karema's maybe, I haven't seen any reference to being prego on this one.

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indydebi Posted 31 Mar 2009 , 3:34pm
post #34 of 82
Quote:
Originally Posted by dkelly

Quote:
Originally Posted by 7yyrt

?????????I think you're confusing this thread with karema's maybe, I haven't seen any reference to being prego on this one.




You are right ... I DID confuse the two. My apologies for throwing that in the mix.

I stand by my other statements, though. icon_wink.gif

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mbelgard Posted 31 Mar 2009 , 4:27pm
post #35 of 82
Quote:
Originally Posted by indydebi

Quote:
Originally Posted by dkelly

Quote:
Originally Posted by 7yyrt

?????????I think you're confusing this thread with karema's maybe, I haven't seen any reference to being prego on this one.




You are right ... I DID confuse the two. My apologies for throwing that in the mix.

I stand by my other statements, though. icon_wink.gif




And here I thought you were just comparing the two situations. icon_lol.gif

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cakesbycathy Posted 31 Mar 2009 , 5:07pm
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Sounds like you have tried to get your point across to MIL and she is just ignoring you at this point. As far as I'm concerned, your house, your dinner, do what you want. You are not being selfish.

Is your Dh the kind that will stand up to his mom? If so, it's time for him to deal with her.

"This is the menu that is planned for dinner. If there is anything else special you would like, feel free to bring it."
Then change the topic or hang up or whatever.

Good luck!

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Cakepro Posted 31 Mar 2009 , 6:08pm
post #37 of 82

Wow, it seems that simply being a gracious hostess is almost a lost art for many.

I know that was an inflammatory statement and I'm sorry - I don't mean to point fingers or pick a fight - but I am honestly appalled at some of the responses in this thread. I mean, DAYUM...all this for a flippin salad and a lemon dessert for FAMILY MEMBERS who obviously love their DIL's cooking enough to request something SPECIAL on a HOLIDAY that they can also enjoy the day after?

I will leave you all to (ironically) continue debating manners in this situation. I'm so very thankful that my family does not have issues like this. It's petty and sad and just...petty and sad. Even for the family members that I don't much care for, I would graciously acquiesce.

Be gracious! It will be good for you and good for your family. thumbs_up.gif

I sincerely hope that you all have a wonderful and happy Easter. icon_smile.gif

Gracious
Function: adjective
Etymology: Middle English, from Anglo-French gracieus, from Latin gratiosus enjoying favor, agreeable, from gratia
Date: 14th century

a: marked by kindness and courtesy <a gracious host> b: graceful c: marked by tact and delicacy : urbane d: characterized by charm, good taste, generosity of spirit, and the tasteful leisure of wealth and good breeding <gracious living>3: merciful , compassionate used conventionally of royalty and high nobility

synonyms: gracious , cordial , affable , genial , sociable mean markedly pleasant and easy in social intercourse. gracious implies courtesy and kindly consideration <the gracious award winner thanked her colleagues>. cordial stresses warmth and heartiness <our host was cordial as he greeted us>. affable implies easy approachability and readiness to respond pleasantly to conversation or requests or proposals <though wealthy, she was affable to all>. genial stresses cheerfulness and even joviality <a genial companion with a ready quip>. sociable suggests a genuine liking for the companionship of others <sociable people who enjoy entertaining>.

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cakesbycathy Posted 31 Mar 2009 , 6:13pm
post #38 of 82

There's alot to be said for being a gracious guest as well. Inviting someone to your home to share a meal that you are paying for and preparing is gracious. Demanding someone make a food item that only you like and expect to take home leftovers of all the other food as well is not being a gracious guest.

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Cakepro Posted 31 Mar 2009 , 6:29pm
post #39 of 82

You are absolutely right! icon_smile.gif

But we are not discussing whether one is considering making a request as a guest that could be considered rude to a hostess.

We are discussing what a hostess should do in response to an inconvenient and (what to some is an) impolite request made by a guest. icon_smile.gif

And who's to say that the two extra dishes might not also be enjoyed by those who have not tasted them in awhile? They might just be one of the children's new favorite things. Who knows? icon_smile.gif

I mean, she's not asking for homemade hogshead cheese or pickled calf tongue or something that you would be pretty certain no one else would be eating! LOL icon_biggrin.gif

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mbelgard Posted 31 Mar 2009 , 6:57pm
post #40 of 82
Quote:
Originally Posted by Cakepro


I mean, she's not asking for homemade hogshead cheese or pickled calf tongue or something that you would be pretty certain no one else would be eating! LOL icon_biggrin.gif





But the salad she is requesting is something that has an element that my child can't stand. He has a gag reflex so sensitive to coconut that he does it as soon as it touches his mouth and he's been known to throw up from it.


Here's my menu:

Ham
Stuffing
pasta salad
cookie salad
jello salad
lettuce salad
deviled eggs
buns
homemade coffee flavored ice cream
french silk pie?
punch

I'm debating the pie because I'm really not sure we need two desserts on a day filled with candy.

For six people it just doesn't seem reasonable to add more items to the menu and I'm don't want to remove one of the sweet salads that my son WILL eat for something that he gags on.

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margaretb Posted 31 Mar 2009 , 7:26pm
post #41 of 82

What is cookie salad?


That sounds like a great meal. It was improper ettiquette for your MIL to ask for additions, and as long as you were polite, it was (or will be) proper ettiquette for you to decline to change your menu (I read Miss Manners!). Am I appalled by the MIL request? No, I don't really find it appalling, and if it were me, chances are even that I would be fine with making the stuff (unless it was something that I really hated), although there is an equal chance that I would end up running out of time to do it. No, scratch that, I would not prepare a food to serve in my home that made my child throw up. I can't imagine anyone coming here for dinner who would insist on ME preparing something after I had told them that we didn't really care for it. I can imagine telling them that they are welcome to bring it if they want. If I wanted to fudge it, I would probably just say that I wouldn't have time to make it. Just because you don't make those dishes doesn't mean that you won't be able to be a gracious hostess when you provide them with a delicious meal.

As for leftovers -- well, I'm usually happy to get rid of the extra stuff, but if I wasn't, then I would just pack it away myself and say, oh, would you like a little of this to take home before I put it away, and then *I* would serve out the portion that I wanted to.

For those of you who WOULD make the salad and squares, good for you, that doesn't mean you are a wimp. For those who would NOT, good for you, that doesn't make you an ogre. This is not a make or break issue on anyone's moral character.

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Deb_ Posted 31 Mar 2009 , 7:41pm
post #42 of 82
Quote:
Originally Posted by Cakepro


But we are not discussing whether one is considering making a request as a guest that could be considered rude to a hostess. icon_biggrin.gif




Actually we are. The OP is asking if the request of her MIL is rude.........hence the title in the Topic line "bad manners or just me?"

I think the majority of us agree that yes it is bad manners for an invited guest to put demands on their host or hostess.

I don't think it's fair to make the OP feel like she's a bad person or that she's not "gracious" because she won't give in to her MIL's demands.

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mbelgard Posted 31 Mar 2009 , 7:41pm
post #43 of 82
Quote:
Originally Posted by margaretb

What is cookie salad?





Here's a recipe for cookie salad:

http://allrecipes.com/Recipe/Cookie-Salad-I/Detail.aspx

It's one of the few "fruit" salads that my picky husband will eat.

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ApplegumKitchen Posted 31 Mar 2009 , 8:11pm
post #44 of 82

Mbelguard - I have no idea of your religious status and it makes NO difference to me at all - none of my comments stemmed from that opinion.

I am a bit confused as to why you actually posted the question - it seems you are very confident with your decision. Thats the trouble when you ask for others opinions - they will not always be what you want to hear.

It seems that our family IS totally different from yours and many others here on the forum - that doesn't mean better or worse - I guess as Indydebi has suggested people who talk about FAMILY FIRST are probably people with normal, functional, respectful family members - YES of that I am guilty.
Not too many dramas of this homefront - so perhaps my opinions are based on that.

I had no knowledge of your family situation - I only used the information that you provided in the post.
People are all different and I would not find it difficult to make a little something different for a special person - if you do .....or anything else you asked an opinion on - then DON"T do it.

It really seems like you know what you want to do - you don't have to convince me or get approval for your decision - its OK to do what you WANT

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Karema Posted 31 Mar 2009 , 9:20pm
post #45 of 82

I just have a question and it may not be popular but I'm just confused and didn't understand. If someone is an athiest why would they celebrate religious holidays? Isnt that just using the holiday and not putting any meaning behind it? I just don't understand I guess, but it doesnt make sense to me. Christmas is about the birth of Christ and Easter about his resurection. Isnt that the point of having the holiday?

This question has nothing to do with how I feel about the OP question. I think that if she wants to make the extra food then make it. I dont think it wrong of her mother in-law to ask her to make it but I find it rude that she automatically assumes that since she is the only one that is eating it that the whole dish should be hers. I only asked my question because it was brought up and I didnt truly understand what that had to do with anything that she asked but then it made my wheels start turning. I'm sorry if I hurt anyones feellings I'm just wondering that's all.
icon_redface.gif
Karema

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Carson Posted 31 Mar 2009 , 9:46pm
post #46 of 82
Quote:
Originally Posted by Karema

I just have a question and it may not be popular but I'm just confused and didn't understand. If someone is an athiest why would they celebrate religious holidays? Isnt that just using the holiday and not putting any meaning behind it? I just don't understand I guess, but it doesnt make sense to me. Christmas is about the birth of Christ and Easter about his resurection. Isnt that the point of having the holiday?

This question has nothing to do with how I feel about the OP question. I think that if she wants to make the extra food then make it. I dont think it wrong of her mother in-law to ask her to make it but I find it rude that she automatically assumes that since she is the only one that is eating it that the whole dish should be hers. I only asked my question because it was brought up and I didnt truly understand what that had to do with anything that she asked but then it made my wheels start turning. I'm sorry if I hurt anyones feellings I'm just wondering that's all.
icon_redface.gif
Karema




Perhaps there is a meaning to those who are not religious, just not a religious one. Getting together with family, be it immediate, extended, in-laws or friends and creating traditions for their children. In a busy world people need these holidays to re-connect with family and friends. I am not athiest but am also not a devote church goer - but this is what these holidays mean to me and my family.

Unfortunately, we have all experienced fights and stress with loved ones that we do want to share these holidays with, its hard to tell someone how to deal with it without completely knowing the family dynamics. I wish all of you a Happy Easter...I'm off to fight with my own family about where we are going, what to eat and who is in the "bad books".

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stephaniescakenj Posted 1 Apr 2009 , 1:16am
post #47 of 82

I don't think it's rude to ask what's being served and maybe suggest something ... but if it's not on the menu and you really want it, then offer to bring it yourself. I think it's totally rude of your MIL to request dishes be made specifically for her that no one else will eat and then expect to take home food. If I have leftovers I usually do send them home with the guests, it's just the expectation that is offensive.

Now having said that ... I must be totally rude to my own mother because for just about every family meal I always have special requests that she gladly accomodates, I do not expect leftovers but I do place my favorites on my side of the table while I'm helping her put the food out icon_biggrin.gif

As for the whole religious aspect?!? Chill people! I no longer go to church. that doesn't make me an aethiest but I certainly don't celebrate easter the same way more religious people would. I just enjoy it because it's a chance to get together with my family.

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margaretb Posted 1 Apr 2009 , 3:26am
post #48 of 82

Cookie Salad -- thanks for the link. There should be a nobel prize for the genius who put those two things together.

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luvsfreebies72 Posted 1 Apr 2009 , 3:45am
post #49 of 82

I'm not even gonna comment on this as it's been beaten up one side and down the other. Suffice it to say BOTH mine and DH's families are freakin' crazy as loons and yes, I cook for everybody.

My more pressing concern is did NO ONE see the comment about potato salad being made from boxed mashed potato flakes??????????!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

WTH

icon_lol.gificon_cry.gificon_lol.gif

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indydebi Posted 1 Apr 2009 , 4:35am
post #50 of 82
Quote:
Originally Posted by luvsfreebies72

My more pressing concern is did NO ONE see the comment about potato salad being made from boxed mashed potato flakes??????????!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!



I use real potatoes, but my "family recipe potato salad" (which is on my catering menu, by the way) is a Mashed Potato Salad. I actually can't stand to eat "regular" potato salad .... the idea of biting into a cold potato just grosses me out! In my family, it's not a family gathering if we don't have "Mom's Potato Salad"! My kids, my sisters, etc., would lynch me if I showed up without it. thumbs_up.gif

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Carson Posted 1 Apr 2009 , 5:11am
post #51 of 82
Quote:
Originally Posted by indydebi

Quote:
Originally Posted by luvsfreebies72

My more pressing concern is did NO ONE see the comment about potato salad being made from boxed mashed potato flakes??????????!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


I use real potatoes, but my "family recipe potato salad" (which is on my catering menu, by the way) is a Mashed Potato Salad. I actually can't stand to eat "regular" potato salad .... the idea of biting into a cold potato just grosses me out! In my family, it's not a family gathering if we don't have "Mom's Potato Salad"! My kids, my sisters, etc., would lynch me if I showed up without it. thumbs_up.gif




Well I love potatoe salad...whether it be cubed or mashed...but instant mashed was disgusting!! That's my MIL for ya...we just know that we will have to find something to eat when we leave...whether it be a drive through or at home (thankfully we live fairly close). My recommendation is NOT to even think about trying it. thumbsdown.gifthumbsdown.gifthumbsdown.gif

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Deb_ Posted 1 Apr 2009 , 12:19pm
post #52 of 82

I didn't even know it was possible to make potato salad out of instant potatoes icon_surprised.gif

So what's it like......cold mashed potatoes, onions, mayo etc.? UGH! Where's that vomit emoticon when we need it?

carson and karema if I were you guys I'd pack the kids some food that they'll eat when you go to your MIL's for a meal. I used to do that for my son when he was little because he had food allergies AND was very fussy.

As far as religion and the holidays. My salon is on the East side of Providence where there is a very large Jewish population. Almost all of my Jewish client's families get together for Christmas and Easter, they don't necessarily celebrate the "birth" and "resurrection" of Christ, but they do have Christmas presents and Easter egg hunts with their kids.

Whether we want to admit it or not the holidays have become more commercial then religious. At least it gets families together and to me that's what's important. thumbs_up.gif Unless it causes stress, then not so much thumbsdown.gif

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mbelgard Posted 1 Apr 2009 , 1:22pm
post #53 of 82
Quote:
Originally Posted by dkelly



Whether we want to admit it or not the holidays have become more commercial then religious. At least it gets families together and to me that's what's important. thumbs_up.gif Unless it causes stress, then not so much thumbsdown.gif





The Puritans were saying that Christmas wasn't religious enough in the 17th century and banned any celebration of it in Scotland, England and New England at various times.


If my MIL wasn't like this I'd be looking forward to doing a meal. I know my boys are thrilled that we're going to be eating at home with their grandparents but they don't hear about this stuff.

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Karema Posted 1 Apr 2009 , 2:07pm
post #54 of 82

Thank you all for answering me. I just really wanted to know. I really didnt see what that topic had to do with the question or how the person that said it even knew that the OP was an atheist. I am a christian and I think that alot of christians have forgotten the true meaning of the holiday and they have begun doing celebrating things like the Easter Bunny. I believe in balance in all that you do in life. My kids love the easter bunny and santa clause. They also now about Jesus but they are too young to know about all the details of the holidays. I dont tell them all the details and that doesnt make me a bad person. I just think they wouldnt understand yet.

Anyway I think that people should try to stick to the topic in these forums and stop assuming that you know someones life. Just because you look at their signature line or their avatar and you think you have an idea of who they are, doesnt mean that you are right and you know them. Stop judging people and ask them instead of assuming. Let's enjoy the season and enjoy our families, or not enjoy our family! LOL

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maryjsgirl Posted 1 Apr 2009 , 2:23pm
post #55 of 82

The first time I went to a cookout at my husband's mother's home I was appalled.

1. I grew up in a family that if you were invited to a cookout, dinner, etc you never came empty handed. Whether it be a bottle of wine, dessert, gift, or whatever.

2. Leftovers were never taken from the host. Nor, were they ever asked for. Once in a while the hostess would be on a diet and make people take the dessert home. Or send leftovers with a family with a lot of children, etc.

So when I went to my MILs and saw the majority of people showing up empty handed, bringing random uninvited guests, and leaving with massive plates full of food I was angry for my MIL! Not only due to the "rudeness", but the fact that my MIL is on a limited income.


I was in the minority in thinking this was rude. I was culturally raised differently. My MIL loved the fact that she could feed all these people. She shows her love in her cooking. She was the one handing out the extra plates and foil. It made her feel good to give. It was like this going to other cookouts and get togethers with his extended family and with his friends.

People were raised differently with different ideas of what is "normal". I don't think we should be judging the MIL in this instance...sorry. Maybe she was raised in an environment much like Applegumkitchen. Maybe she is online in a *insert a hobby she likes* forum ranting about her rude DIL.


You know it would not be any extra effort or money to use lemon striped cookies or lemon sandwich cookies in that cookie salad. They would go great with that recipe, actually sounds better to me. I am sure your FIL would really feel special. You could even let the kids help make it and be their little present to him.

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mbelgard Posted 1 Apr 2009 , 3:39pm
post #56 of 82
Quote:
Originally Posted by maryjsgirl



You know it would not be any extra effort or money to use lemon striped cookies or lemon sandwich cookies in that cookie salad. They would go great with that recipe, actually sounds better to me. I am sure your FIL would really feel special. You could even let the kids help make it and be their little present to him.





The different cookies that would work if I didn't mind turning the salad into something that my husband, oldest son and I wouldn't eat and I doubt my youngest would touch it either. I do eat some things with lemon but I have never found a store bought lemon cookie I could stand. With my menu I'm really trying to pick things that I know all of us will eat. An example would be a vegetable, my children and I LOVE cooked carrots but if I do a hot vegetable that won't be it because my in-laws don't like them at all so I am taking their tastes into account.

If it was a larger gathering I wouldn't be so set on keeping to things that everyone likes but with 6 people I think a huge selection of different dishes is a waste.

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Cakepro Posted 1 Apr 2009 , 6:03pm
post #57 of 82

This is such a ridiculous waste of time, yet I am drawn to this thread like watching a train wreck. LOL icon_biggrin.gif

I just don't understand why you won't just make the requested dishes as a gift.

detective.gif I think you had already decided you didn't want to do it but had a little tickle of conscience because you know that honoring the request would be the right (or at least the kind) thing to do, which is why you posted this in the first place (looking for affirmations from others who also would not make the extra two dishes)...and then trying to justify why you won't do it because you are restricting the meal to a certain unalterable number of dishes where the majority of guests must like eating those dishes because you don't want "waste" - which in my family is called "highly-prized leftovers that are better the day after." detective.gificon_smile.gif

For the love of all that is holy, just declare that you are not going to do it rather than putting so much thought into coming up with reasons why you are not going to do it. LOL It's just FOOD. dunce.gificon_biggrin.gif

I'm not bashin' ya...just putting in my 2 pennies. Take it with a grain of salt. icon_smile.gif

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7yyrt Posted 1 Apr 2009 , 7:21pm
post #58 of 82

We all have budgets, some more stringent than others. Some would need to use the same money used to create the extra for another to take home, in some other way.
I know there have been times in the past we scoured the house and car for enough nickels and pennies in order to buy enough food for dinner.

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Cakepro Posted 1 Apr 2009 , 8:09pm
post #59 of 82

Oh, sorry...I've never thought of it from that perspective.

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mbelgard Posted 1 Apr 2009 , 8:27pm
post #60 of 82
Quote:
Originally Posted by 7yyrt

We all have budgets, some more stringent than others. Some would need to use the same money used to create the extra for another to take home, in some other way.
I know there have been times in the past we scoured the house and car for enough nickels and pennies in order to buy enough food for dinner.




Our budget is part of why I really don't want to add several dishes that most people won't eat. We have alot going on with trips in the next few weeks and I still have several things to buy to complete what my boys need for traveling with their regalia like a baseball bats and suitcases. They have four pow-wows between the 18th of April and the 9th of May as long as the Red continues to drop and they don't cancel the Fargo date. It isn't that we don't have enough money to make a nice meal and still do that but I am trying to keeps costs down some so the budget isn't quite so tight.

That's why maryjsgirl's suggestion was a good one if we would eat the salad that way. It would add in a flavor they want without adding the cost and time of an extra dish that we won't eat.


And my question wasn't whether it would be NICE of me to make some dishes that they like that we don't. My question was centered around whether she was rude and if I was obligated to make it. I was pretty sure that the only time I would be required by good manners to make special dishes would be for dietary reasons but I wanted to check.

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