Please Give Me Some Advise....

Lounge By Momkiksbutt Updated 28 Sep 2008 , 3:52am by Deb_

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Momkiksbutt Posted 13 Sep 2008 , 11:34am
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Ok here goes...

I'm on the PC tonight and up comes a web site for some sleazy boob shots. Now, I know it's not my son....because he was barely on the PC last night, and he is so girlfriend and Halo obsessed I know it wasn't him.

This is the body part that is a big favorite of my DH's however...and it's not the first time I have found pictures. Not just websites, but actually saved in the PC. The first time, it was saved into the external hard drive that we got to backup documents and manuscripts. I found them that time, a whole 30 pictures worth, when I was trying to upload a video to send to AFV...

I asked my spouse about them and the first thing out of his mouth was that one of the boys must have done it...OK...they are not smart enough to put them in that spot, say nothing of remembering we even have that hard drive...

Also, when I searched around that time I found them saved into my husband's received files history folder. Again, they would have had to be saved there on purpose in the format they were in.

This time, I was typing the my space address and I got on the top of the list ""..... icon_surprised.gificon_mad.gif

When I clicked on it, it was the same type of pictures. Women with big boobs.

I don't want to come out and accuse him outright here, but I really feel it in my gut that it's him....I did the first time too, but he was very quick to reason it away and blame the boys...

He doesn't know it but, I had a talk with his son, my step son, to see if he had done it, or knew anything about it, he didn't. When I looked at the time it was veiwed I realized that he wasn't even visiting that date. I talked to my son as well, he assured me it wasn't him either. I know he's not lying, he's really bad at it...I can tell right away.

My hubby on the other hand, who I have never had reason to doubt at all, is another heart is beating so hard right now because I have a feeling it's him....

The first time I talked to my Mom about it and she advised me to let it go. I can't prove it, and it would just make problems in my relationship.

What should I do????

I've been through this kind of crap before with my ex-husband, I'm so afraid that I am going to do so again....I couldn't take that...

Tell me what you think ladies....I've been up all night thinking about things. What would you do if you were me????

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Kiddiekakes Posted 13 Sep 2008 , 1:46pm
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Well..I wanna start by saying I'm sorry...the up side is at least they aren't full blown raunchy pornographic shots.Some men have a fetish with women and large breasts.It sounds like he doesn't want to admit it to you and there again I would be upset also about the trust issue.I would sit down and talk to him about it..Let him know that you are computer literate and you know that the stored pictures were not done by them! Ask him why? Does it turn him on? What does he get from it? Tell him that is bothers you...ALOT!!! that he is ooogling the pictures. I guess until you get some answers you can't really decide what to do. If it were me I wouldn't be so concerned if it was large breasts all the time he was looking at but then again I don't have an ex-spouse who had problems in this area before so I can see why you are concerned!! Good Luck!!!

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gibson Posted 13 Sep 2008 , 5:22pm
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I would have a huge problem with this. I think it is very disrespectful. What if the tables were turned? How would that make him feel? The really sad part is, is that he can't be a man and own up to it. He's acting like a child and blaming it on the other boys, that makes him look more guilty and would make me more upset.
You need to sit down with him and ask him to be honest with you. Tell him exactly how it makes you feel and why you don't appreciate it. Maybe the two of you can come to some sort of understanding.

PS, I might go back and edit that web address out of your post, don't know if it might cause trouble....

Hope you can get it all figured out!

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TexasSugar Posted 13 Sep 2008 , 8:52pm
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Okay, I know I'm not married and I'm probably more opened minded than some people.

From my stand point I don't think it is always a bad thing that someone is looking at pictures. It doesn't mean they are cheating or going to cheat. I would much rather be with a guy that looks at pictures than goes out and looks at the real thing. Again I'm pretty opened minded.

I would have issue with lying as that is a big pet peeve of mine. If you do it fine, own up to it. But if you are coming at him like this is the worst thing in the world I can also see him trying to brush it off.

If you and him are okay in the bedroom department, then I don't see a concern about him looking at pictures. Men are more visual than women, and he could just be using them for some alone time. If there are issues in the bedroom department, maybe it is time ya'll sit down and have a talk about it.

I do realise that not everyone thinks like me, but just because a guy is looking at porn doesn't mean he is cheating or wants to cheat. It also doesn't mean if he is looking at blondes and you are brunette that he likes blondes over brunettes. Or that you aren't good enough for him. He's just looking for variety. And again isn't it better he is looking on the internet than out in public?

Yes there will be the agruement that things on the computer can lead to things happening in person. Which can be true. But if you are in a good relationship, aren't fighting all the time and are still sleeping together chances are it won't. And I'd be worried more about him talking to other women than just looking at pictures.

Over all I do think ya'll need to sit down and talk. Maybe ya'll can come to an understanding about it, or atleast see each other's side.

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Momkiksbutt Posted 13 Sep 2008 , 10:26pm
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Thanks ladies, and I should mention also that the first time I found pictures, I deleted them all right in front of him. These are new, although there are only two of them. And, embarrassingly I admit this, there are two of mine. Not for "entertainment" but for documentation purposes. Medical ones. Those pictures were also suppose to have been deleted from our PC over a year ago, for fear that our kids would find them and see them. Apparently they weren't. Now if he just kept mine and looked at them....that's ok, but the other's NOO!!! Frankly I don't know why he would look at any pictures when he has the real thing right up stairs!!!

Also let me say that until recently, I'd say over the last 2 months, my libido has been great. What's changed? I've been put on high blood pressure med's that I think are interfereing with my hormone medications and therefore my libido....I am very annoyed with this but can do nothing about it. And to top it off, he doesn't even try anymore...except yesterday, and that was more or less a "wham bam, thank you mam" moment..... icon_confused.gificon_sad.gif It seems it's been more that lately than anything.

I'm ususally the one that is all "lovey dovey" and touchy feely...hubby has some issues with that, the touchy feely part I mean, like he just can't stand fact, and this is really weird to say this, it seems like the only part of his body that is capable of "feeling good" when touched is his *[email protected]$& know what I mean. I have a big problem with that since I am a sensory kind of person, and most are. The man has a problem....for example: If I put my hand around the back of his neck while kissing, reaction is to yank my hands away because he has the feeling I'm trying to choke him.

He actually did that early on in our marriage....I've been sort of afraid to really "let go" when we are intimate now ever since. I've sort of let it be at "he runs the show" now....not very fulfilling for me, but it makes it ok for him I guess. At the same time, he tells me he's a very visual person....DUH!!! But what does that do for me again?? Nothing........

I guess we really need to have a talk here. I think the picture thing is just an add-on that has to be addressed and I need to be really honest with him about how I feel about our personal life. We don't really have much of one with him working graveyard shifts and getting home at 8:30am and then sleeping until about 6 or 6:30pm and then having to be with the kids, do dinner, help with homework, and the myriad of other things to be done before he heads out the door again at 10pm. And I'm usually asleep still when he crawls into bed in the morning and too busy to even think of "alone time" in the evenings. On his weekends, he's so obessed playing his video games (non online ones) that he doesn't seem to care about that either. Plus it seems that it's got to be on his "schedule"...if you know what I mean.

Also, there is that everytime I try and talk to him about important things that are directed towards him personally, he gets defensive, and angry, and starts a "what I hate about you too" fight....if I didn't love him so much it would be easy to just throw up my hands and walk out...but I would never do that. Some people just never learn to take critisizim well, and rather than listen to what you are telling them and accepting that they might have a point, they feel they have to "defend" themselves by finding fault with the person that is trying to help them. Not only that but he tends to throw the ole "I guess you would just be better off without me" routine too. How selfish and childish. Now that I have pointed out to him and will again if I need to.

He is a 52 year old man that had a horrible up bringing by parents that just "threw in the towel" so to speak when their combined 10 kids started running amuck and acting out. My hubby was the oldest and the only one that didn't do that. Somehow he made it to adulthood anyways. But now he has issues. Damnit!! We've worked on some of them over the years, and he's trying, but there are a few areas that I just don't understand.

And I think I am way out of my league in the department causing this particular problem at the moment. I think the place to start here is to just sit him down tonight and talk to him very plainly. I hate the thoughts of having to do this...

With my first husband it was a "taught" behavior from his father, and his stupid mother was ok with it....what an idiot. With him it started with magazines(same as internet as far as I'm concerned) and then eventually he got into the "shops" with peeps shows and all the other stuff that went with it.....GROSS!!! When he started bringing home videos for "us"...I lost it....that was the beginning of the end. He thought I was being stupid for being repulsed and insulted, and I thought he was being a an ass and an an insensitive jerk for expecting anything less. There were other issues in there too of course, but that was a biggies to be sure.

So you understand my fears and concerns now. Up until I found these picutres, I completely trusted my husband. That is fading more and more. That's one thing I want him to understand. I need to be able to trust him. Isn't that fair? Isn't it absolutley a neccessity???

I need think on this some more, pray about it, and certainly talk to him too.

I've listened to what you'v all had to say, about "it's only boobs"....but he shouldn't have the desire to look at anyone but me....and that is what hurts the most. I think you would all agree with that.

This is very difficult....

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mbelgard Posted 13 Sep 2008 , 11:19pm
post #6 of 36

It sounds like there's more going on than just him looking at pictures. I will say that it isn't something that bothers me at all, my husband does look at times. Everyone has different ideas of right and wrong though so I can understand that it really bothers you.

Your husband's reaction to you holding his neck could be genuine. My mother doesn't wear necklaces or any shirts with a tight neck because she feels like she's choking. If you touch her neck wrong it really bothers her.

With everything going on you might want to think about counciling, it sounds like there are some issues that need to be resolved.

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TexasSugar Posted 14 Sep 2008 , 1:34am
post #7 of 36
Originally Posted by Momkiksbutt

I've listened to what you'v all had to say, about "it's only boobs"....but he shouldn't have the desire to look at anyone but me....and that is what hurts the most. I think you would all agree with that.

Man I wish one of our guys on here would chime in. Guys think totally different than women do. Women place more emotions on sex where as with guys it is more visual and physical.

9 times out of 10 I'd bet what he is thinking while he looks at those pictures has nothing with his desire for your or lack of it. It is just something different to look at.

Apparently there is more to the issue of ya'll than just the pictures and you do need to address it. If you do come out at him with all his faults then yes he is going to be defensive. He's human. If someone came at me telling me everything that was wrong with me I would want to lash out at them as well. Think about what you want to say, plan it, and make sure you include the good things as well.

Point out that you understand your meds are changing your libido and ask his opinions on things ya'll can do to change that area and make it better for both of you. Instead of pointing out what you don't like, why not asking for things that you do like. This plants thoughts in his mind for things to do. I think after time things become routine and it may not be that he means it to be wham bam thank you ma'am, it just comes off that way.

If talking often doesn't work what about writing out a letter to him? I find that if I have something I really need to say it can be easier to write it out. That way they don't really get the chance to argue back, I don't get off the subject that I want to talk about, and they have a chance to think about what you said in a calmer manner.

I can sorta understand your issues with your first husband if you are against porn. But remember that was him and your husband now is not the same person. Just because he is looking at boobs does not mean he is going to start bringing home videos for ya'll to watch next. Don't judge his actions based on your exeperince with your ex.

Good luck! Hope ya'll can work things out and that it gets better for you.

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sweetness_221 Posted 14 Sep 2008 , 4:05am
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IMHO I think it's harmless. Does he ignore you to go off to the computer? Is he always on the computer? I would say if he is looking at these pictures, that it has absolutely nothing to do with a lack of affection/attraction for you. Sometimes men get curious. They are men of course. icon_lol.gif Honestly I wouldn't make such a big deal about this. Sometimes things like that can, shall we say, "spice up" a marriage. icon_wink.gif Another thought is maybe it is your DS/step-son. Would you admit to your parent that you were looking at questionable sites? If it bothers you so much then just talk to your DH. Just tell him how you feel. Maybe he had no idea that it bothers you so much.

Also you can go back to your computer's history to find out when exactly the sites were looked at. It could help you narrow down the culprit.

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Momkiksbutt Posted 14 Sep 2008 , 6:47am
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Well....tonight he confessed.

We had a very quite, and very calm talk. I went into it taking into consideration everything you all have said, some advise from my mom, after reading some articles that she found from our church, and alot of prayer. This has been bothering me for more than a few months, and after this morning, which he still won't come clean on the exact time he was looking, although I already know it was within the last couple of days from checking myself, I just couldn't let it go anymore without doing something.

It's more than just a "passing fancy" or curiosity, he confessed that he has had a problem with this for years, since youth infact off and on. It's also hasn't been just looking at boobs. AND, he admitted that he's been doing it for more than a year.(I have to say that really dissapoints me.) He's struggled with it, and stopped at times only to fall back into it again.

It was like pulling teeth, but he finally tells me that he was doing this in his first marriage, only much worse, and she never caught on, and he has done it at work(although they are a suppose to have things in place to monitor that and they fire people for doing it), and he had been doing it from home. He denied that last part for a few minutes until he realized that I am not stupid and I explained to him that I have been monitoring his whereabouts for quite a while now. I know that he has been on in our home. He finally said that he had.

Because I have been through this before, I know what to watch for, and I've heard all the excuses in the world. And the justifications too. So once he started aiming straight for the kids on it, I knew. We already know that his son is doing it, but he also knows that he is not allowed to get on our computer without one of us being there. And he follows that rule. So does my son. And there is the fact that I talked to both of them too. Not them....but I already knew that.

His "excuse" for doing it? Well at first he started telling me that it was because he was so upset at our financial situation and the feeling of doom that he did it to be more self distructive...and then started trying to justify it by going into all the turmoil that that has created and how much he has worried and suffered over it, emplying somehow that then doing this was his only next option....I quickly shut that down. I told him that was just as stressed out about our troubles as he was and is, and nothing that has happened has driven me to do anything of this nature, or anything else that would add to these already distressing times. Not to mention anything that would put my marriage in jeopordy. I said I was sure he could come up with something more truthful and less excusatory. Perhaps given some time and some counseling he will be able to do that. I think in his heart he knows the reasons, but doesn't know how to or what to do to change it. We both agree this is a very big problem and that he should never have waited until I had to finally confront him with it to actually have it come to light. He wanted to know why I hadn't confronted him sooner. I told him that I was waiting for him to tell me himself. IN my mind I think that if someone has done something that they know will possibly hurt the relationship they have with someone they are suppose to love, they will feel so bad about doing it in the first place that they won't be able to go without telling what they have done. I couldn't do it. But that's just me I guess.

I was surprised at how calm I was, and how straight forward I was able to be without sounding angry. Of course he knows that I am. And he knows how much this hurts me too.

He said he was sorry, but I was watching him and looking into his eyes and the only thing that I can feel is that he is only "sorry" he got caught. And that I caught him in a lie. I told him that I love him, and pointed out how lucky he is to be married to someone like me, because someone else may be kicking his ass out of the house right now. I'm not doing that, I am however expecting him to stop this and change.

I told him that I don't know how to help him with this though. Cuz I don't. I told him that he needs to get counseling, and work through what is driving this and change it. He also understands that he has broken my trust with him and will have to rebuild that too.

One thing bothers me in this, he showed no emotions at all. He would only say that he felt numb, and that very well may be so, but still, we are talking about a man that crys at sad movies or when he is talks about something he feels passionate about. So why no emotion now????????

He didn't even say he was sorry, only when I pointed out to him that I was feeling he wasn't. This will be yet another difficulty we will have to overcome. It also explains alot of things that have been happening with us.

We will be talking and working through things for a while I think. But if he is willing we can do it. I told him so. I hope he knows I mean it. I don't think he appreciates just what I am doing for him here. I pray that he will.

Thanks everyone for you helpful advise and I will try and keep you posted on what goes on from here.


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Mike1394 Posted 14 Sep 2008 , 4:55pm
post #10 of 36

I haven't chimed in YET LOL I wanted the dust to settle a lil bit. Very glad you guys talked. it's the most important thing there is in a relationship. Honestly when I read your first post I thought it was from a couple of twenty yr olds. Don't take that the wrong way. I know it sounds terrible. Then I read your other posts. My thought process totally switched.

Yes you love him, so what. Hell, I love chocolate cookies, does that mean I need one every day. Tell him to take off the pink panties, and start wearing boy ones. Your not his Mother your his wife. If he wants another mother make him a sign, and send him out to the corner to look for one. He's 52 yrs old, and plays videos games at the sake of his family? Tell him to quit making excuses. If he wants to act like a child treat him like one.

OK now blast away.


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Momkiksbutt Posted 14 Sep 2008 , 9:43pm
post #11 of 36

Thanks Mike! That Pretty much my attitude too....mostly.

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Deb_ Posted 14 Sep 2008 , 10:25pm
post #12 of 36

Wow....o.k., My first reaction to your first post was, no big deal, everybody looks at naked pictures at some point in their life, we're all adults we don't dwell on biggy.

But, as I read your other posts I realize now that your DH looking at pictures of naked woman is just one of many issues going on in your relationship.

I strongly recommend couples therapy. A couple of years ago my daughter, than 18, really started pushing her limits with my DH and me. It really put a strain on our marriage. The best thing that we ever did was see a therapist. The therapist made me see things that I had never seen before, or if I had seen them I thought they were insignificant.....they were to me, but not to my DH

Your comment about "quickly shut that down" when he told you one reason for looking was because of your financial situation, really hit home. I was constantly "shutting down" my husband when he gave me a reason for his moods or actions. The therapist showed me how to "really" listen to my DH's comments and not to just brush them off until he says what I want to hear. When we continue to "shut them down", they clam up even more. Than, they tell us what we want to hear even though it's not how they really feel.

That over time is destructive and only makes you two grow further apart in your relationship. Which leads to the inevitable....things slowing down in the bedroom. How can you ML to someone when there are so many negative feelings between the two of you? Yet, it's the very act that a couple needs in their relationship on a regular basis, to make you feel loved and close to eachother.

I think you see this as only his issue, therefore he needs to make it better and get help, but you both need to go and speak to a therapist together for your marriage's sake. Than, in addition your husband can go and get the help he needs for his personal problem.

I will pray for you and your husband, and please take my advice and see a therapist together, you won't be sorry.

God Bless,

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Momkiksbutt Posted 15 Sep 2008 , 7:33am
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I definately don't see it as and "only him" issue. Don't misunderstand me here. Because I am his wife, and I have some problems with medications causing me lidio issues, and also there are a great deal of stress factors that are children related and ex related going on for some time now...slowly trying to resolve, but a great stresser non the less, of course I recognize that I have my own problems with our relationship.

Also understand that when I used the terminalogy "shut that down"...I said that knowing personally that I have heard every excuse and every rationalization there is already. From my ex, and from my now hubby. There is a hisory here of trying to use problems or stresses unrelated to excuse away or reason why he has done something. Or just flat out putting it on the kids instead of himself. That is lying not only to me, but to himself. This is something that we have been trying to work out with his son for years in his own behaviors.

How can he teach his children this important principle, of owning up to your own mistakes, if he isn't willing to do it himself. I find myself doing that all the time. I've had plenty of time the last 9 months to try and figure out what I've done wrong as a parent with a very difficult situation with my oldest daughter, one which ultimately ended in my having to send her to my ex to live and finish high school. It broke my heart, and I have beat myself up everyday trying to come up with some way I could have prevented it. I know in my heart I could do nothing less than what I did. For her as well as for the rest of the family. She will come to understnd this in time I hope and pray, but for now, it hurts me everyday, and it probably always will.

My husband has had similar problems with his two children, thanks in great part to a selfish and mentally ill ex-wife who has successfully driven his children away and now has done her best to distroy them as people. He is hurting over the fact that his son is now a disturbed, drug addicted, and very violent and angry person who will lash out at us here when he gets the chance, and whose last conversation with him was one instigated by his mother in an effort to convince the son that he should fear his father and wether or not he would try and force him to come here to visit or not. Now I don't know why she would do this, if only it is to maintain control over them and keep them "on her side", because of a misplaced and sick need to be "loved unconditionally" by her children. There is a long family history of mental illness on her side, so having him live there full time makes it vertually inevetable that he will end up with the same illness. We have feared it for a years, and now it is coming to pass.

I won't go into the details on that, suffice it to say, this is a great stresser on my husband as well. But does that or the other stressers give him some sort of right to do what he has been as some kind of excuse to do it?

No it doesn't. And should I not demand that he show me the respect and devotion that I deserve and that he promised when he married me? I think that I should!!

I have been through plenty of therapy in the past, so I know how it works, and what it designed to do. I also know that every therapist is different, and will try and approach things differently. That is were the great gift God has given all of us, the gift of discernment, comes in handy.

I have been very careful about what I have said to my spouse, and how I have chosen to handle this very difficult situation. I believe based on my particular relationship, I know how I should do this, but I also know that I cannot do it by myself. That's why I told him that I want him to seek counselling. He needs to do this on his own at first. I am sure that at some point, there will be couples sessions as well, but he needs to start on the path to self healing first and alone. I can't do it for him. No one can. I learned that the hard way once along time ago.

He knows that, and he understand it. I just don't know it he is willing to do it without me prodding him until he starts the process. We will see.

I appreciate your sharing your experiences with me, but I have to say, that being willing to hear out wrong rationalizations for stupid choices is just feeding the sickness. IF you are willing to listen to it, then they will think it's ok to think it. Somehow the pattern must be broken. They have to see that so long as no one is going to listen to excuses, and not going to believe them, there will be no need to make them or use them. It helps no one, and only serves to enable the behavior more.

It doesn't mean I love him any less, on the contrary. IF I didn't love him, I would have kicked him out last night. And if he feels the need to "push away" from me because I have told him how I feel or that I won't put up with this behavior from him, then that is his choice, and his alone. I forgive him, but I refuse to be a facilitator or a victim anymore.

It's like being a parent in a way I guess, if your willing to look the other way for the sake of having a "happy happy" relationship, then you are not helping to solve the problem, only to mask it. And that is not a true and healthy relationship in any form. I believe there is a way to fix this without losing my self respect, dignity, or my principles(of which my husband also believes by the way). It sort of seems like some people are trying to say I should just hear him out, and then go one like it didn't happen, or isn't going to again. That would be wrong for both of us.

I don't want anyone thinking that I think I am perfect, or have no problems of my own here, because I truly know that I do, and will willingly tell you so. I do know that THIS is not any fault of mine for any reason whatsoever. And yes, I started questioning that right off for just about a minute, and then I realized that this had nothing to do with me at all. He wasn't thinking of me when he was looking at complete strangers in a lustful and adulterous way, so I have no sin here. It's still difficult to manuvoer through though.

There will be therapy, and much conversation between me and my DH, and it will take time I know, but hopefully things will get better, and we can be happy once more with each other. I am going to do the best that I can, I hope that he will do the same.

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jjkarm Posted 15 Sep 2008 , 12:08pm
post #14 of 36

My my heart goes out to you. I wanted to write sooner but didn't have the time over the weekend. I'm so sorry this has happened to you. This kind of behavior would be very difficult for me to swallow as well. I guess it all boils down to respect.

Once I was told, "Don't worry, it doesn't change the way I feel about you...", but it sure changed the way I felt about him! He'd never thought that one through before! I felt like he didn't respect me. I can understand how it makes you feel like you're not "enough" for him, and that it hurts you when he goes else where to get some kind of satisfaction. I'd feel the same way. I think intimacy, in any form, is such a personal thing.

The fact that he knew this was a problem in your first marriage, then did it anyway, is a big red flag. The fact that he knows he can get fired from work if he's caught looking, is another red flag. The fact that he shows no emotion or remorse is a red flag. The fact that he didn't say he was sorry on his own is another red flag. The fact that he knew how you felt about this and still did it anyway is a red flag. I understand that men are much more visual than women, and there are some positive aspects to that, but does that really make this behavior OK? Especially considering your circumstances and your history.

I'm sorry the two of you have some very difficult issues is your lives, and some baggage from your pasts. Sometimes life is just hard, and you wonder how you'll ever make it through the next day. Being able to lean on each other, depend on each other, respect each other, and trust each other is a huge advantage in helping you weather through lives storms. Knowing you can rely on each other during difficult times can strengthen your relationship and your marriage. I think personal behavior is an indicator of one's true character. The person you really are is determined by how you act when you think no one else is looking. That being said..... it doesn't mean he can't change. There is light at the end of the tunnel. But he's got to want it too. It looks as though he may have some kind of addiction. I agree that counseling is necessary to resolve the situation. He needs some help getting through this because he won't be able do it on his own. This is not your fault.

No one can change another person. They have to make that change on their own. I was once told that the greatest gift you can give your spouse is to become the best person you can be. In doing so it makes them want to be a better person as well. I've found this to be true in most circumstances. Of course I don't know all of your circumstances and I don't pretend to. But this advice has always helped me personally, regardless of the outcome. It strengthens me and gives me peace of mind. If your DH knows you love him and want to make this relationship work, it will help him through. Hopefully in time the trust you had in him can come back, and the two of you will grow closer. My prayers are with you.

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Deb_ Posted 15 Sep 2008 , 1:34pm
post #15 of 36

I didn't mean to imply at all that your husband's excuses or reasons for his behaviors are legitimate and that you should just listen to him, believe him and forget it. Absolutely not.

He obviously doesn't deserve your trust or respect right now and that will take a while for him to earn that back. . I was just referring to the "shutting him down" thing. It was in no way meant as accept his answer, even if it is a lie, and than forget it. No way. You definitely deserve to be treated with respect and dignity. What I meant was, getting into a heated argument is not productive and is not going to make things any better in your relationship.

As stated in my last post, he definitely needs help for his personal problems, and that is obviously the main reason for the problems that you two are having.

I know how much couples therapy helped my marriage and me personally. Sometimes discussing an issue with a 3rd party present helps the couple see things from a different perspective. It helped us learn ways to open up to each other and to trust each other again. Most importantly, it helped us deal with our daughter.

It's a long process, and a daily exercise in patience for us, but we take what we have learnt from these sessions and apply it to our relationship.

It will also help you to see that your ex and your current husband, although similar in many bad ways are not the same person. I know you mentioned that you have been to therapists in the past, but have you been with your current husband? I know it's hard to not compare your marriages because they parallel in so many ways. But, it's important for your relationship to keep them separate.

One of my biggest problems was I constantly bought up the past. (This is a first marriage for both of us and we'll be celebrating our 26th Anniversary in February, so exes were not the issue in our relationship.) But, I now realize how I let the past eat me up inside. I needed to deal with it and let it go. Therapy helped me do that.

It sounds like you are committed to your marriage and that you love your husband. Surely, deep down he's a good man, you wouldn't have fallen in love with him and married him if he wasn't.

All of this means nothing however, if your husband won't go to therapy or if he doesn't admit that he has a problem I pray that he will admit it and that he will go for help. That is the first step.

I definitely don't think that you feel this is all his fault, I'm sorry if I made you feel that way. I just meant he has a big problem and if you both go to therapy together it will help your relationship. But, having said that he also needs one on one therapy.

God Bless you both

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Jasmine33 Posted 15 Sep 2008 , 3:27pm
post #16 of 36

Hey hun,

It seems he is addicted to this smut. icon_sad.gif See if you can both get counseling and work at the underlying issues as well. I wish you the best and keep us updated! *hugz*

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KrisD13 Posted 15 Sep 2008 , 7:50pm
post #17 of 36

My EX had a problem with this kind of thing, too. (Notice the EX part?) I found out at the end of our marriage. Right before I escaped. Not only was he searching the web, he was visiting prositutes downtown, on the phone dating lines, and had a few "girlfriends" all at the time of me finding out.

Any one of these things is bad enough, but he did them all, and was extremely abusive to me. Not physically, but emotionally, sexually, psychologically, etc.

Our pets weren't safe from the physical. He kicked the cat, pulled the dog's leash back so hard that he flipped him.....and on and on. He just knew that if he hit me, I could call the police and he would end up in jail, and divorced.

I guess my point out, there may be other women, too, and he's not going to come clean about that, unless you find out about them. Or there may be other things he's doing, like the Peep shows that you mentioned where your ex is concerned.

I would like to send you lots of hugs, and you know that we will all support you through whatever you do.

Love and lots of prayers,

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Jasmine33 Posted 16 Sep 2008 , 1:54pm
post #18 of 36


I am sorry to hear that happened to you! *hugz to you too*

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koolaidstains Posted 16 Sep 2008 , 1:55pm
post #19 of 36

I strongly recommend starting with the book, Healing The Shame That Binds You. Both of you should read it. When you look for a therapist find one that concentrates on your "family tree" so to speak. You both need to figure out what causes your actions and why and then of course how to change.

My husband and I started counseling less than a year ago because I found out dh was having an online affair that lasted for 6 years. It was an emotional affair and it devastated me. I thought we had a good marriage, I didn't think we had big issues. Anyway, what we are learning is that we are BOTH responsible for the failure of our marriage. That in no way says I caused him to have an affair, that's his to own, but I did cause significant problems that I have to own and it hasn't been easy.

In a way, we aren't really in marriage counseling as much as in combined individual therapy (does that make sense?). If we can each fix ourselves, we can be good for each other. We do work on couples issues too, but we are really working on ourselves. I just want to stress that it isn't just your husband that needs therapy, you both do. And if for any reason you do divorce again without getting help for yourself, you will be much more likely to find a guy who will in some way let you down in the same kinds of ways.

When we started therapy I was very unsure of what was in store for us. I wanted very much for our marriage to work, in great part to the fact we have four young children. It's been rough so far and we have a long way to go, but I'm am definately more hopeful that I ever was. Oh yeah, we are both in group therapy too (each in a different group) and it's incredible! There is something about "seeing" your own problems in other people that really helps you "get" it.

As far as the picture go, you have to look at it like an addiction. In your mind, you think why can't he just stop. But, the reality is that it's like telling someone to just stop smoking, just stop doing drugs, just stop over-eating. It's just not that easy. It's not about the pictures, it's about other issues and the pictures are the coping mechanism, the pain-killing. It doesn't mean that it's in any way okay, but I hope you won't immediately put demands on him that if he does it again your gone because that won't help. If you you guys love and support each other, I think you can get through this with the right help. Certainly pray and ask God to guide you guys in the right direction.

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Deb_ Posted 16 Sep 2008 , 7:06pm
post #20 of 36

koolaidstains, very well definitely captured the essence of what I was trying to say in my 2 previous posts.
I'm glad therapy is helping you guys, I can't begin to imagine what you must have gone through, but you seem like you're on the right track and time will heal. I'll keep you in my thoughts and prayers too.

I hope momkicksbutt, the original post is doing o.k., she hasn't posted in a while.

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KrisD13 Posted 16 Sep 2008 , 8:10pm
post #21 of 36

Thanks for the hugs, Jasmine33.

And I have to agree with the previously stated " there will only be change if you want to change".

My ex agreed to go for counselling, but as soon as he was told that he was doing some things that were destructive to our relationship, and that he was going to have to change, he stopped going. All of a sudden either the first therapist (male) was hitting on him, or the second was crazy. He refused to go back. Hence, my escape.

I am now with a super guy. We are so in sync (not the boy band icon_razz.gif ) with each other. There is more respect, love, consideration, and caring than I ever thought a couple could have. All our friends envy what we have.

We laugh together, know what the other is thinking, finish each other's sentences and thoughts. Everything I didn't have with my first marriage. I know for sure now that in my previous marriage, I had no fault to bear, because I haven't changed anything about how I do or see things. He came into our marriage with this and it WAS all his fault. And I'm beyond "cloud 9 happy" with my new hubby.

So it can end on a good, happy note. icon_biggrin.gif

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Jasmine33 Posted 16 Sep 2008 , 8:54pm
post #22 of 36

Kristine I am so glad to hear that. With my first hubby he became very abusive. We split.

And how you describe your second hubby is the way we are. He is very caring, very kind, he actually takes care of me and my kids and supports us. I have to go cook dinner or I could go on and on, but, he is just perfect. I never knew I could find someone so special that would treat me the same.

SO yes there are happy endings.

Touche' for us both! icon_biggrin.gif

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michellenj Posted 16 Sep 2008 , 10:02pm
post #23 of 36

I'd be most concerned with him saving the pics where kids could see them. My dh looked at the history on my laptop once, and flipped out b/c I had been looking at strap-ons. I had clicked on one site, which led me to another, and so on, until it was on a sex toy site, and I was fascinated. DH was not amused. I think he thought I had a female lover or something. Sorry, but I think strap-ons are hilarious, and I came upon it innocently enough. MAYBE your husband did, too.

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Deb_ Posted 16 Sep 2008 , 10:32pm
post #24 of 36

To Kristine and Jasmine.....I'm so glad that both of you are now in loving, healthy relationships. I wish you both the best you deserve it. I love happy endings! Congratulations icon_biggrin.gif


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Momkiksbutt Posted 17 Sep 2008 , 1:08am
post #25 of 36

It's been a long weekend, with many talks and I must admit alot of frustration...and surprisingly, alittle LMing too...I am not letting him off the hook, just the opposite, but at least he knows that I am not going to "cut him off" either for the time being....although I had thought about it to be sure.

I was struggling with that for a while, but it occured to me that I would be doing "us" a disservice by doing that. He needs to know that I still need him, and love him, but he also knows that I mean business about him getting the help he needs.

He had the whole day yesterday to start that process and he didn't. And he did it knowingly. I talked to him about it last night somemore...and he admits it. His intitial excuse was "I'm scared to death"...well duh! Who wouldn't be...but if your relationship with your spouse means anything to you, you will get the process of "help" going ASAP...not put it off till who knows when....

And when he started to get huffy about my bringing it up, I told him that he didn't need to think he can do that's my right to keep at him to get help, after all, and it should be important enough to him to do it. I asked him that question too. He answered that it most definately is important, that he not loose his relationship with me. I told him I would help him by getting the first appointment set up for him, which I did today.

He starts tomorrow.

Now I sit and wait and pray and hope that he will be able to get to the meat of the problems and fix them. It will likely take time, and I am sure there will be issues of not wanting to fully put himself in the hands of someone else to "fix" him, but he will have to do that if he wants to stay married to me. I am not budging on it...and I don't have to.

I think we are on the right track...wish us luck, and I will keep you all posted....

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Jasmine33 Posted 17 Sep 2008 , 6:40am
post #26 of 36


Thanx so much! I am always so happy when I hear of people who are able to rise up and above the situation and can later find happiness. There are some great men out there. Some time it just takes time.


Well we are here for you. The best thing you two can do together is to seek God's counsel. I do believe God can heal this marriage. You seem to be handling this very adult like. That is great!

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kakeladi Posted 20 Sep 2008 , 12:17am
post #27 of 36

Please keep us updated. I am still praying for you.
As I told you in the pm I didn't realize how raw my feelings on such a problem were until you posted.
I'm sort of like a flemingo - my head in the sand.
I know my DH can 't get to any sites where we are at as they are blocked but when we are on our own I have to watch him like a hawk. I hope the time element has helped him get over it. I always worry underneath icon_sad.gif

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Momkiksbutt Posted 25 Sep 2008 , 9:28am
post #28 of 36

Well, I'm starting to get alittle frustrated and feeling abit like my feelings don't matter here.

Hubby agreed on Sunday to seek counseling, and that he would get that in motion this week. Not only has he not done anything, but everytime I'm alone with him in the room he starts acting like I'm going to start asking him why...I guess I"m just going to have to make it more clear for him....only I don't know how to do that without causing a great upheval(spelling) in the household...

He just can't understand why he should have help, and I can't understand(after 30 years of addiction) why he can't see that he does!! Yet, he knows full well that he does and that it is important. Not sure what to do at this point....

I am also noticing that he is being very methodical about "cleaning up" after himself on the PC now...deleting all new mail, and keeping the "hiding spots" clean of anything incriminating. We will see what the next few weeks brings...I will not wait forever though for him to do the right thing...

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Deb_ Posted 26 Sep 2008 , 12:27pm
post #29 of 36

I was thinking about you, and hoping that your husband had started the therapy sessions. I'm sorry for you that he hasn't done what he promised he would. How about if you talk to him about you making an appt. for the 2 of you to go together for a session? Maybe he'll be more comfortable going together at first.

It's a big first step, but I think once he goes to one session he'll realize that it's not so bad and that it actually will make him feel good to be able to talk about it.

Good luck, I'm praying he'll do the right thing and go to therapy,

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Momkiksbutt Posted 27 Sep 2008 , 8:49am
post #30 of 36

OMG OMG.....

Why is this happening???!! Dammit....I got on alittle earlier this evening and was typing in my yahoo mail address and a site address popped up that I didn't recognize but looked suspicious, so I opened it. A site full of pretty young things is very skimpy undies...not somewhere I shop either!! So that got me thinking, since I deleted the browser history last week, on Monday. I started looking at our history again. I found 6 or 7 very gross and very ronchy sites with everything under the sun, complete with "by lines" telling what it was about, no need to open to see. I wrote them down, shut down the PC, because my son and his buddy are here having an exbox sleep over, and I went up stairs to call my husband. He denied anything to do with them. But...he didn't point at my son either...and then went on to say that maybe I need to put the "parental controls" on the PC so no one can go where I don't want them to go...and the he didn't do it. I know it wasn't my son, I brought him up and showed him the paper and talked to him. He was disgusted with what he read, and told me that he hasn't looked at anything for 3 years since we caught him that one time. I believe him. Of course that only leaves the obvious choice...and he figured that out too. I don't know what to say to my husband now. I know he's lying, and he knows he's possible that when he was selecting his specific genre to look at that he may have clicked on and then off these sites, but it doesn't excuse that he did it. And it means he is still doing the same thing....after all, browser histories don't lie...

I'm baking cuppies for a concessions booth this afternoon, and I"m tired, and now I"m also really upset and in a confused state. I really am at the end of knowing what to do next here. How do I get him to just fess up once and for all to all that he is doing??? Why can't he just tell me??? did this happen???


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