I got married a couple of years ago and had a smaller wedding (around 150 guests) because I really didn't want a ton of people there. We had an A and B list for invites because we had some relatives who our parents wanted us to invite but had to travel from another country to attend. We didn't think they would attend but just in case couldn't invite others. Our families (who were helping pay for the wedding) requested they be invited and if they couldn't come, then we could invite some more of our friends. The guests that we thought wouldn't come were sent invitations a week or so earlier than others. This list had NOTHING to do with the number of gifts we would receive but instead who would spend our special day with us.

As for the 60% rule, I totally disagree. I come from a more upscale community and I have found (as have all of my friends) that 90% of those we invite RSVP that they will be coming to the wedding. At my wedding, of the 150 people that RSVP'd yes, I had 149 come. The one that couldn't ended up being admitted to the hospital the morning of the wedding and on her way to the hospital called to tell us she wouldn't be able to make it!

As for choosing the gift I give to the couple based on the caliber of party they throw, I think that is totally disrespectful. I attend a wedding because I am truly happy for the couple. My gift is given to reflect my best wishes for the couple and my happiness for them. Whether they have enough money to throw the most elegant wedding I've ever been to, or only enough to have a couple hour reception in their backyard, would never change how much I care for them. The fact that it does for some makes me sad. A wedding is not about the money you spend, the glitz that you have, but the expression of love. I have heard that said so many times on here but unfortunately not in this discussion.

I do agree that it is absolutely disrespectful to have an A/B list for those invited to a reception after and then only a select few invited to a nice dinner immediately after. In my opinion those people are just about gifts unfortunately.

again, let me state that I really don't thinlk that anyone ACTUALLY does it, but it is something that we have ruminated about. Kind of in line with "geez, they invited SO many people, they must be expecting a good haul." Now please don't get me wrong. Our family has BIG weddings. 300. Ukrainian (although I spelled it wrong). You HAVE to invite everyone and their dog. It's ridiculous. So I invited 37 people that I love most and went to Puerto Vallarta. But I seriously think that any person over what you can honestly sit down with and say "Thank you for coming to my wedding" is too much. And even with only inviting that many, and saying NO GIFTS, we still got gifts from outside the family. I think that all of us know that it's not about the gifts, but sometimes, seriously, it really seems that way.

I absolutely understand waiting to send a gift so that you can get something special they don't already have. But I've always thought you give a wedding gift to help the new couple because you care about them. I would give the same gift whether they had cake and punch or if they had a 7 course dinner at the fanciest place around. That's how I'm used to things working, but I know other parts of the country see things differently. It has not been the norm here to match the gift to the quality of the reception.[/quote]

Oh I do by them something nice to suit there needs or likes. I dont gauge the gift of the quality of the party they threw. I may have made it seem that way becasue I speak sarcasm as a second laguage and sometimes that doesnt come across so well in the forum.

On another note if you read most wedding etiquette you are told as a guest you are to buy a gift equivalent to the price of your meal and dessert drinks etc.... So if the couple spends $10 a person, there you go, if they spend $150 a person, there you go. I think that back east this is the norm as that is where I hear so many brides get furious when they get a small inexpensive gift after throwing a full fledged blow out party after the wedding. That erks me.

This is such an interesting thread and I think what it basically shows us is that no "rule of thumb" about weddings, cakes, and traditions will hold true all of the time. I have enjoyed reading everyone's entries. I only got married 4 years ago, in my mid-thirties, and we paid for everything ourselves. So, I guess I am sympathetic to people who want to cut $$ to a point. But.....there is a limit below which things kind of do get "tacky". And our RSVPs did work, more or less. We had 200 RSVP that they were coming. Two people didn't show up and 4 people who weren't invited did. (How do you show up uninvited to a wedding and reception? Hmmm..... No doubt they were surprised to find "assigned tables"! Ha!) We served wedding cake as the dessert, cut somewhat later in the proceedings, but certainly not "late" and it was so darn good that we ran out.......not because there wasn't enough, but because people came and got multiple servings! (Nope, it wasn't my cake.....a local bakery and they did a great job. ) People around here generally do have wedding cake for dessert at the reception and they do seem to look a little askance at a tiny "cutting cake" where it is obvious that the cake for the masses, as it were, is coming from some unseen stock in the kitchen. The different traditions are interesting though, yes?
Heather

I actually convinced my sister to serve her wedding cake as the dessert for the evening. It went over really well and all of the guests were thrilled. It saved us ordering two sets of desserts. The hotel caterer had no problem with that.
My Grandma was thrilled because she could have her slice of cake and still go home at a decent hour. It is very difficult for her to wait until 11:30 pm for her wedding cake. I was thrilled because I finally made a cake that got eaten and not frozen and thawed to serve over the following 18 months.

We had two whole layers of cake leftover from our wedding and ended up giving to our neighbor and a friend of the family in order to just get it out of the house.

The cake was good dont get me wrong but because the baker insisted we needed a sheet cake as well we had way too much cake. The sheet cake was cut but no one cut the actual wedding cake and served it. We had or piece and that was it.
I suggest if they want a gorgeous elaborate huge wedding cake. Lets do dummies and just one real layer for the couple to cut. Then we will take it out to the kitchen and you serve a sheet cake in matching decor. No one knows the difference anyway. Sheet cakes are cheaper and I dont charge as much for a dummie. So it saves them bucks too.

If they want to do a special type of dessert I suugest lets have thier cake and nothing else cakewise no grooms cake no sheet cake nothing else cake. Then have an ice cream bar or candy bar etc.... Then those who expect cake get it and eat it too but those who expect more than just cake are pleasantly surprised.

I've been following this thread with interest for awhile now.

It's very common for people in my religion to just serve cake, punch, mints and nuts at an open-house type reception. Though that is changing rapidly to a much more upscale, formal event for many people.

When my very good friend got engaged and they had almost no money, she found out that my mother had decorated cakes. She BEGGED me to do her cake since I must know all about this, right? I found the Wilton.com forums (not CC until much later ) and learned everything I could. Fortunately, her future in-laws decided that no way was there son was getting married without any to-do and helped pay to have a nice reception.

The day came and I arrived to set up the cake, then drove to the wedding and came back to the reception site to find all these slices of dessert cake all around it on the table. At the end of the long tables were 2 round tables, one with a punch fountain and the other with a chocolate fountain.

Several hours of dancing passed and they finally got around to cutting the cake. My date and I shared a slice and 2 other slices were cut (the kitchen helpers were just hacking at the thing, no one was going to eat this so the slices were HUGE).

I went out to the car crying and my date went back in to get the 22" cake board he'd cut. It was in the garbage where the rest of the cake was.

That turned me off of cake decorating for awhile, but eventually I took the classes and the rest is history. But I did learn some lessons; Find out what else will be served and encourage the couple to do the cake cutting early so everyone has a chance to get some!!!

I can't believe I've never posted the pic! It's in my photos now.

Really Indydeb? Wow I had no idea. The dummies that I use are so stinking cheap and then the decorating isnt usually to bad labor wise. I guess that is why mine are so much less than an edible cake. Sheet cakes run under $15 here so they are definately cheaper, at least i our area.
Now I understnad the cake disappearing and reappearing anxiety you discribed. I had not thought of it like that at all. It is pretty common in the areas I have been in.
I can almost here the curcus music playing behind me as the crowds gather to watch you cut a cake. (humming it in my head now)

I tell them I create, I deliver, setup and eat cake. I do not cut it. Would you ask picasso to tack up his art work on the fridge?

I say picasso because my cakes arent very good and abstract is a pretty nice way of saying "not so great". I do love me some Picasso though.