Hi everyone...I have been debating if I should even do this post or not but I am really depressed and maybe some else out there has been in my shoes and can give me some advice.
My problem is very personal but here it is......my mother is an alcoholic and has been one for as long as I can remember. It is so hard to deal with this because I'm an only child and she only has me and her brother (who just ignores the problem.....by calling me and telling me when she gets her "crisis"). Anywway, this time of the year is very hard for her and that is usually when she starts...during or after the holidays.
She didn't go to work today because she says she has a stomache virus but I'm no fool and know the truth. I asked her if I could go over to see her and she refused saying she doesn't want to give me what she has.
She managed to go to the Dr. last year and he put her on antidepressants but she refuses to take them b/c she thinks they will give her cancer (she had breast cancer 2 years ago and had a masectomy and reconstruction) so she is petrified of that.
This is so very hard for me b/c it tears me apart. I try not to show it at home or work but is very hard. My husband says I should not let it get to me and let her be b/c she is hurting me, but how can I walk away? She is my Mom and I am all she has. I think if I walk away she will just get worse. These "crisises" usually last a week or so then she is fine but during that time I'm a basket case.
I have even talked to her about moving in with us but my husband is reluctlant b/c of our kids and besides, when you are depressed I think no mater who is around you, what you have is a sickness and you are the only one that can get yourself out of it.
If it was say your spouse then you would just walk away and divorce him but you can't do that to a parent.
She refuses to go to AA or get help. Any advice from anyone? At least to help me deal with this?
Thanks for listening..................
Naty
I have a family member who is an alcoholic and it took something really horrible for him to get help. Once he did he went back three times. It really does take the person to want help.
However, perhaps you should see if there is a support group for you. Other people who understand your problem might help you. Your doctor might know who to send you to.
Not being a doctor, I would be leary of depression meds and alcohol. It is probably a good thing that she doesn't take it.
I hope the best for you and your family and any time you need to chat to feel better please feel free to pm me.
Naty,
I am really sorry to hear your story. It really takes a lot of guts to share something so personal, and I commend you for that.
I really dont have any good advice for you as I have not really had much experience in that sort of thing. (i do have a friend who I suspect is using drugs and I did confront her about it, but that is another story) Anyway though I have paid attention to dr. phil over the years and I think he would say not to be an enabler. I also would not ignore the problem and hope it goes away. Maybe you yourself should go to some AA meetings or support groups for families of alcoholics. Maybe you would hear something enlightening and be able to better help your mom. Good luck, our prayers are with you.
I've never had to deal with anything like what you're going through, but I agree with pinknlee that you can reach out to get help for yourself. I do some search & rescue work and the first thing they teach you about saving others is to first save yourself.
At first glance, that seems selfish. Afterall, aren't we supposed to be willing to lay down our lives for another? But think about it. If you're trying to save someone who's drowning and they push you down under the water (they're too paniced to think clearly) and they drown YOU, who's going to be there to save them? You have to keep yourself safe first, so you have the strength and clarity of mind to save the other person.
So I think you need to reach out to one of the AA type groups. I think the one that deals with family & friends of alcoholics is AlAnon. Don't know if they're related to AA or not, but see their ads on TV.
Remember also, that no one person can control, much less change, another. The only thing we can control is ourselves. So the stronger and healthier you become (physically, emotionally, spiritually) the better able you will be to both deal with your mother and help her.
Lastly, I don't know where you stand spiritually, but as a Christian, I can tell you from experience that prayer WORKS. Reach out to God and He will reach back.
Praying for you....
Marla
I'm so sorry that you are going through this. There is some excellent advice here, ME2 is right, you have to be "strong" before you can deal with your mother. I really, really think you should go to a support group. I know it may be scary but it just might be what you ALL need.
I hope everything works out for you! 
I'm sorry you are having such a hard time. It was smart of you to post your need for help. I strongly suggest Al-anon. They are people in the similar situation. They can help you see how you are NOT responsible, help you get rid of the load of guilt a parent can create.
You will come to understand there is little you can do. Alcoholics will not get better until they decide they want to.
By the way, if you go to a group and you don't feel it is the right place, go to another! Sometimes the group dynamics don't always match a persons needs. There are other groups, and if you can afford it, there are therapists who work with children of alcoholics.
Don't continue to suffer unnecessarily. You need to enjoy your life, it is the only one you have.
JoAnn
Thank you JoAnnB, flavacakes, ME2, pinknlee, and merissa for your replies. I do agree that I'm the one that needs help first....Marla you have opened my eyes...you are so right. I have to think about myself first..this is so hard to do though b/c I feel so selfish but I can't let this get to me b/c I'm passing my depression (yes, I don't want to bake or look at may cake decorating books or nothing 
) to my kids and it's not fair on them. I guess I'm in denial....and like Merissa said I am ignoring the problem..I guess I'm thinking she will just stop (I've been thinking that for the past 30 years), after all she keeps promising me she will stop....lies after lies. I have heard of Al-anon; but I have to get the courage to go.
I spoke to her this morning and she sound better, but she says she is alternating Saturdays with her boss and didn't have to go to work today.....I get so 
when she lies to me...but hey, at least she "sounds" better and that sure make me feel better .
I appreciate so much you guys encouragement and I did feel better reading your posts (after a good cry). I just need someone to vent to sometimes and I thank you guys for being there to listen 
A big thank you hug!!!!!
Naty
naty - I had the same issues with my mother. She refused to admit she had a problem. You have been given some good advice - it is important for you to go to a support group - and I know AA has them for family members. I had to make the choice of keeping my mother in my life and have my children exposed to her and the awful things she did, or cut her out of my life. Since she would not help herself, I had no choice but to do the latter. I regret that she was not there for my children to know as they grew, but I knew I didn't want them to go through and witness what I did as a child. It is a hard call to make. I know this sounds awful, but she passed away 2 years ago (I did see her before she died) and it was a huge relief that she is no longer suffering ~ and now neither am I. Addiction is an awful awful disease, and I hope you can find a way to get through this. My prayers are with you.
cindy
I too had an alcoholic parent, although it was my father. He was never a positive influence in my life, and caused me such pain. I could never understand how he couldn't love me. It took me until my 30's to finally understand that his drinking and attitude had nothing to do with me. At that point I broke away from him and was basically out of his life by my choice. His life ended in violence 15 years later, after he tried to kill my step-mother by setting her on fire and ended up burning himself over 80% of his body. I sat by him in intensive care and cried for the life he'd led and all he missed by choosing alcohol over me and everyone else who'd ever loved him.
I know that isn't the situation that you're in. I guess my point is that at some point you do have to put your own mental health first. Do what you can for your mother, and get support for yourself, but know that she has to want to get better. Sadly, sometimes loving someone can't save them. You deserve to be happy too, and her happiness isn't your responsibility. It's just so hard.
You have my very best wishes!
I too had an alcoholic parent, although it was my father. He was never a positive influence in my life, and caused me such pain. I could never understand how he couldn't love me. It took me until my 30's to finally understand that his drinking and attitude had nothing to do with me. At that point I broke away from him and was basically out of his life by my choice. His life ended in violence 15 years later, after he tried to kill my step-mother by setting her on fire and ended up burning himself over 80% of his body. I sat by him in intensive care and cried for the life he'd led and all he missed by choosing alcohol over me and everyone else who'd ever loved him.
I know that isn't the situation that you're in. I guess my point is that at some point you do have to put your own mental health first. Do what you can for your mother, and get support for yourself, but know that she has to want to get better. Sadly, sometimes loving someone can't save them. You deserve to be happy too, and her happiness isn't your responsibility. It's just so hard.
You have my very best wishes!
JodieF and Cindy, you don't know how much I appreciate your comments. I certainly not in the same situation you guys went thru but I see you had it much worse than me.
Jodie, how difficult it must have been to see your father in that condition and deal with the automatic guilt we feel, which is natural but of course not cause by you.
Cindy, trust me I have thought about walking away but I feel too much guilt, especially if she does get worse b/c I'm not there. It's kinda you are damned if you do and damned if you don't. The kids haven't seen her like this which is a good thing. Did your Mom have anyone else in her life at that time that made it easier for you to walk away?
Thank you both again, I applaud you and commend you for having the courage to share your stories...I know its hard to "open up" to strangers.
A big hug,
Naty
I have thought about walking away but I feel too much guilt, especially if she does get worse b/c I'm not there. It's kinda you are damned if you do and damned if you don't.
Naty - you have to understand it is not your fault if she gets worse. I have 2 sisters, but they ultimately ended up doing the same as I, unfortunately for them, they didn't "escape" her demons. One was an alcoholic also (but has been clean for about 10 years now, and just got her PhD!!) and the other has battled drug issues most of her life (and is doing well now also) I have issues with food (am very overweight) but I am working on my issues with food! I am one who is a strong believer in you can't blame others for your life, if there is something you don't like about it, you need to take care of it - I don't know if that is why I made it without the addictions like my sisters have or not. (I am not into the "It's my mother's fault" crap that is so popular these days)
That is good that you have been able to shield your children from seeing her when she is drunk. I think that is the most important thing - and only you can make the decisions as to how to deal with her. No matter what, I really think that a support group would help you - you will find you are not alone and may find some other coping mechanisms from others.
Being an only child I am sure is much tougher in this situation. Do what you have to do to keep you and your family healthy and strong.
hugs,
Cindy
Naty. It is not your fault and never should be your fault what your mother chooses to do. It is an illness for her and until she realizes it and wants to help herself she will continue as usual. You don't want your children exposed or feeling guilty like you, so please have them keep their distance until she decides to get healthy. My mother-in-law lives next door and also is an alcholic. Imagine what my husband and child have witnessed throughout the years. I find that there are certain times of the year that are worse for her and I have kept my son away from her at those times. She does not drive and so it is the neighbors that are enabling her problem by buying her the alchohol. You must seek a support system either in person, on the phone or the internet. It's there, just ask and you will be given help. Your mother has to face her demons and some people can not. You alone can not do it for her. Just let her know you love her and will always be there when she is sober. Her lies are part of her sickness and even though it makes you mad, she thinks she is fooling everyone. As hard as it is you need to limit how often you talk to her so that it doesn't get you so depressed. You are then passing on your depression to your family and that is not fair to them either. She needs to see someone she can trust for her depression and work from there. I hope you can feel better about your situation in the near future and never blame yourself for whatever she does. Keep talking to whoever will listen and if your husband doesn't want to be your sounding board, we are here for you. I think your husband just doesn't know what to say to make you feel less guilty and at the same time he doesn't want her around your children to affect their lives and memories of her.
dldbrou, I just got around to reading your reply. I really appreciate your words and eventhough things have gotten better (for now) I do still feel resentment. I try to think positive but it has come to me not enjoying special events or holidays (particulary Christmas) b/c I know she will eventually start drinking. Anyway, I try to focus on my kids....that is the only thing I can do. I thank you for taking the time to listen to me and for offering your help. I will get thru this.......I always do.
Thanks again..I really apprecaite it!!
Have a wonderful day,
Naty
Well Naty I feel for you. I am in the same spot but instead my mom is a drug addict. She has been like this since I was a very little girl. I grew up with a abusive grandmother which ended up making us go to foster care. I am now an adult and have a family of my own but this has really put a dent in my family. I havent seen my two sister that are closest to me in age in over 10 years. My little sister lives with my mom which doesnt have guardianship of her and her dad who does. My mom will be ok for a while and then all of a sudden just take off for days at a time. She has left my sister at school and her dad has had to drive over 45 minutes to get her when school has let out. Me and my mom are very close even though all of this has happened. I just want my mom to know that she can talk to me and that there are people that are willing to help her as long as she is willing to help her self because the last thing I want to do is push her away. As you said it is easy to leave your husband if thats the problem but when it is your mom its so much harder. I know you feel bad for your mom but the only thing you can really do is be there to support her and make her feel loved to push it in her face and when you have the chance and she is sober talk about it then. If that doesnt work just make sure she knows that she is loved.
Naty,
I just had to respond to you. I hope you are doing better. My Dad was an alcoholic. I never knew him to be any different until I was a teenager. He was a wonderful man though. You have to remember that alcoholism is a disease. My Dad did go into Rehab but only after many many accidents and events that I won't go into. It was a huge relief to see him do it but THEY have to realize that for themselves. My parents almost lost everything during my Dad's worst times but somehow my Mom pulled everything together and it all worked out. Then about 10 or 12 years later he started drinking again. I was soooooo upset over it. However, this time he did it openly and only beer which before he drank hard liquor ALL the time, from daylight until bedtime and hid it everywhere. Anyway, when he started drinking again, I just couldn't understand why he started again and blamed myself. I am an only child too. But, I decided that I needed to go to Alanon to see why it was my fault. Going to those meetings really helped me. It makes you see that it isn't your fault and actually helps you to deal with the "situation". I hope that you give it a try. I know that other people have told you to walk away - don't alienate her from your life. My Dad passed away in 1994 from lung cancer. I loved my Dad in this life and still love him. He had a disease that he just couldn't whip (the alcohol). He had a really supportive family - and knew that. But, like I said the alcoholic has to realize they have a problem and WANT help with it. Sometimes they have to hit rock bottom before they can see what the alcohol is doing to their lives and their loved ones as well. I sure hope that you can get help for you right now. My Mom was always open with me about everything so keep that in mind as well. You don't have anything to hide from anyone. Hold your head up. It's not your fault. But - it's your Mom. Make sure that she knows that you love her but you don't support her drinking. I totally aggree with "finnox" - Talk to her, make sure that she knows that you love her but like I said, don't support her. But, I know this from experience - the more you PUSH, the more the withdraw. Just give her something to think about when you talk.
Good luck!! Tammi
Finnox and Tammik, I appreciate both of your replies! It is really nice to know there are people out there that are willing to help others they don't even know (me) and to open up themselves. I trully am grateful. It makes me feel better to know I'm not "alone" and have my CC friends, sort of like "angels."
Finnox, I am so sorry for what you have gone thru with your Mom's drug addiction. I wish I could go over and give you a hug 
. I can't even imagine. I commend you for being so strong.
Tammik, a big hug to you as well!! It was wonderful that you and your Mom supported your Dad...too bad he didn't realize how big was your love from your Mom and you was...maybe if he did it would of helped him get thru it.
I have been thinking of going to Alanon but honestly, I have so many feelings going thru me that I don't know if I can.....I am angry, disappointed, hurt, while feeling sorry for her and me at the same time (and this is when she is OK). I guess I'm also in denial...denial b/c she has brainwashed me to believe she won't do this again. Been also thinking of going to a therapist (there's other issues besides the alcohol with her and other issues that I think b/c of her I'm transferring them to my son (who is so much like her). Haven't been brave enough to go though...afraid hubby might think I am crazy. I know her sickness is not my fault..I have come to realize that. It has been a long time, as long as I can remember..at least 32 years of dealing with this.
Things seem OK now until she has another episode. I have told her I love her and what she does hurts me. She says she knows but that I should not worry about her. Stupid me, I still believe her...I guess its the "control" she has over me......she was very strick with me when I was growing up and you could not even express yourself b/c that meant you were being disrespectful to to her. No affection at all. I guess that is when my recentment towards her started. So to this day, me, a grown woman of 42 still is "afraid" of her Mom.....afraid to disrect her b/c she might think I don't love her...lead to depression...lead to the alcohol.
We talk everyday and see each other at least once a week, but when we talk and are together there is no "closeness," and I feel like I have to walk on eggshells (she is very judgemental of everything, including myself)....so when we are together I tell her I wish we could spend more time together but as a loving Mother and Daughter (like me and my daughter) and she agrees but it never happens.
I try to live everyday one day at a time with no hope or aspirations from her....just trying to manage. When I'm home with my kids its all fine, I'm glad to be home with them to show them my love.
So know you know all about me...I'm all messed up!!! but I do love my kids very, very much and when I get out of my depression, will stop eating like a pig and go back to enjoy what I really love.....my baking and of course cake decorating.
Sorry if this was so long..............I had to let it out of my system.
Thanks for listening and for your encouragement.
Hugs,
Naty
Naty, You sound like a very strong woman. DO NOT beat yourself up and look down upon yourself. I hope that someday you will take the step and go to Alanon or therapy. My husband went with me the first time that I went to Alanon. He was there for me always and loved my Dad and Mom as much as I did. My Dad did know how much my Mom and I loved him. I spent many nights with him by his side when he was ill. He appreciated us and loved us very much and also the grand kids. My son was the light of his life. But, like I said, alcoholism is a disease.
You sound like you have been thinking seriously about your life though and that is good. You sound like a wonderful Mother and think first about your children. You know that your Mom can do only what she is capable of you letting her do to you. I think that you are actually handling yourself very well.
Anytime you need to talk about anything, I'm willing to listen. God Bless and good luck! Tammi
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