OK, DH and I are just not connecting. We had a rough patch there for awhile (financial issues, DH had some minor health issues and baby/lack of sleep issues). We basically co-existed.

Things are getting better and we are enjoying each other's company more now, but... well, there is still one MAJOR problem in the bedroom. I'm not exaggerating in saying we haven't connected there in six months - SIX MONTHS!!!

And... I think the biggest issue is that he's uncomfortable with me weight. I don't like it either, but I've been this size MOST of our marriage - was heavier when we conceived Henry, as a matter of fact. But, for some reason, I can tell it's the "unspeakable" reason. He doesn't want to voice it, but I can "see it" in his eyes when he looks at me, you know? And it makes me feel horrible. He's not being mean about it, but he's not attracted to me, and well, I wouldn't be attracted to me either.

I am trying to get better about it and I did lose a little weight so far and I'm gearing up to starting an exercise program now that I think we are discovering a way for Henry to sleep. Problem is: Henry doesn't sleep. I don't sleep... to get a boost of energy, I eat... more and more research is suggesting that lack of sleep is VERY much related to weight gain and I agree COMPLETELY and since I feel like a slug, I don't want to exercise and exercise has ALWAYS been key for me. I actually eat quite well, but if I don't add exercise with it? I gain weight - simple as that.

Problem is, 98% of all people who lose weight, gain it back and I've done that SEVERAL times. So, I'm scared quite honestly. I'm also a bit resentful. I give an AWFUL lot to the family and I feel I'm being punished... yet I know he feels he's being punished (we had this conversation once before). Part of me wants to say ONCE I lose the weight, "Sorry, you didn't want me when I was heavy, you can't have me now." I know I won't feel that way when it actually comes down to it, but it's how I feel now a little inside.

I find myself crying about it quite a bit to myself. I wish weight loss and weight loss maintenance was EASY and I pretty much refuse to go under the knife. DH wouldn't allow it anyway. It's all about discipline. He comes from a thin family and for him, taking off a few pounds is easy and keeping it off is too, so why can't I do it? Why??? because I'm my own worst enemy is why - and I know it.

Anyone have some words of encouragement? I will be cross posting this to my blog.

Melissa

As I tell my daughter, who is also overweight: I may be fat, but I am GORGEOUS!!!!!!!!!!

When my sister was pregnant, she gained a LOT of weight. Her hubby made the cardinal mistake of saying, "You know .... I know it's all baby, but I'm not sure I would love you if this was you all the time." She QUICKLY reminded him that she may have been smaller when they married, but HE also had a full head of hair in their wedding pics .... and she could LOSE weight!

The problem is not yours. The problem is his. Any man who thinks his wife is going to stay at her 18-year old weight for her entire life is shallow and unrealistic. I do not believe for a second that HE will look the same 20 years from now as he did on his wedding day.

Babies change our metabolism. Age changes our metabolism. Lack of sleep after having a new baby changes our metabolism.

I am fat .... I am still gorgeous .... I am still fun and funny .... I am still intelligent .... I am still the best company you want to spend your time with!

If all you're measuring me by is my weight, then you are not the type of person I want to spend my time with. I am more intelligent than that. I am not an 18 year old airhead whose only "asset" is an 18-year old body. I am not your arm-candy. I am not here to make you look good by being some quasi-model on your arm ..... I make you look good by being the "person" that I am.

And if you don't get that, you are not worth my time.

I am not saying to leave .... no way. I am saying it's all in your view of yourself. If you are a fan-tabulous person like me, then that's all that matters!!

And a lack of bedroom activity after having a baby is SO normal! You are functioning on much less sleep and much more stress and activity. It's not a problem .... it's normal. As Dr. Phil says, "You know what women consider foreplay? When he does the dishes!!"

Because he never came out and said that your weight is the problem and he wants you to look like you did when you were a teenager, I don't think the blame should be all his. Maybe its not all about your weight....maybe because you haven't been getting sleep, tired all the time, etc etc is adding to it.
Every marriage goes through this....but if you are not comfortable at your weight, why would we blame him for not being comfortable with it too.

And I know what its like to try to get the baby weight off...in fact getting baby fat off is way harder than regular weight gain..well, in my opinion it is. Lack of sleep has alot to do with it, but that will change eventually. Just do what you can for now....try to eat well...watch the refined carbs....take walks whenever possible...don't eat after a certain time at night...drink lots of water.

If you keep working at it...it will come off...just maybe not in the time you want it to.

Thank you indydeb.... It's hard to feel beautiful when the person you love looks at you in disgust, you know?

Our "baby" is now 28 months old, but he still doesn't sleep. Until he was 23 months old, he woke 5-7 times a night and since then, he will go to sleep at 9 pm and wake for good at 4:30 am or at the latest 5 am. I don't go to bed until midnight or later. I am so tired all day and then I get this second wind around 10 pm and then CAN'T sleep. If I went to bed with him at 9 pm, I would NEVER See my husband AT ALL. (he leaves at 8 am and comes home at 7 pm and then we have the 11 year old and 2 year old for family time for two hours).

I will about every 2-3 days take a nap with henry in the afternoon, but I can't always do that.

I think we have found a partial solution with the sleep though. For the alst three nights, he has gone to bed at 10:30/11 pm and is sleeping until 7 am when we all need to go to sleep. He goes down for a nap at 2 pm and sleeps until 5 pm, so he's not TIRED (he has been pushing his nap back and not by ME!).

Although that sleeping is crazy for him, it has allowed me to get 7 hours of sleep two nights in a row! (he still wakes twice during the night though for 10 minutes or so).

I just need to find some ME time where I can clean up and feel good about myself too.

Melissa

I think a little bit of 'ME' time might help. Get a pedicure, go out a buy something that makes you feel pretty! After I had my first daughter I went through a phase that I stopped taking care of how I looked. I would wear t-shirts all the time, never really took the time to do my nails or really fix my hair. I wasn't a slob, I just didn't feel pretty anymore and didn't want to take the time to change that. Hubby never said anything about it but after awhile I got tired of feeling that way. So I gradually started doing things, like, using scented lotion after I got out of the shower, painting my nails after I put the baby down for a nap, and I bought some 'going out' clothes. I still wear t-shirts around the house but I now have some outfits that make me feel like I look less like a sleep deprived mommy and more like a, well, a pretty woman

That sucks. It sounds like a painful situation to be in. Are you sure that the lack of physical intimacy is related to your weight? You said yourself that you were having sex when you were heavier. Maybe it is something else. I think it's a good idea to just be very open with him and tell him you've noticed that he hasn't had sex with you for a long time and you've been wondering if it has to do your weight. Maybe you will find out that it is something else that you guys can talk about, that has been causing the problem.

I think it is a good idea to lose weight if you want to and you think it will make you healthier. But I just think it's a bad idea to do it in hopes that you will attract him more. Losing weight is the kind of thing that I think works out best if you do it for you. I think it's a good idea to talk to a doctor and/or a nutritionist and/or a trainer to figure out how you can fit in some small changes to help you lose weight gradually. Also, I think if you can get support from other people who are also trying to lose weight, and from your husband (would he be interested in losing some weight with you?) then you might be more successful. Hope it all works out!

I know what I need to do. I've very successful at losing weight... it's STicking with it that I have problems with. the other times I lost weight was twice during pregnancy and once on weight watchers - all three times nice and slow and with good eating and regular moderate exercise.

I lost 10 lbs in the last couple months from just changing my eating times (more in the afternoon less at dinner), but until I start exercising regularly, I won't lose more. Exercise is key and I just can't seem to be able to make it regular.

I do need ot bring it up, but until I'm strong enough to hear it, I don't want to. you know? it's like the ultimate rejection to hear "you're not attractive to me." Ugh.

Melissa

I guess Im not understanding then....if you feel weight is the issue, but yet you know how and are successful at losing the weight....then why not lose it.....you already have a starting place??

Im gonna have to jump in on a mans defense on this one ...simply because my husband and I have this conversation all the time...its not the weight thats the issue.....its everything else and we as women tend to jump on the weight issue with ourselves because it is something we COULD control......Im not trying to be mean ...but Ive seen your posts about several other "frictions" I would imagine thats the source...if not the base of where the lack of intimacy is coming from.

You yourself said you two are just STARTING to reconnect....which would tell me if things havent been right lately its no shocker there is no sex life for the past 6 months...Im all for the idea of you need to take care yourself...however that may be......you dont have to be skinny to be beautiful or attractive....heavy or skinny, excessive drama around you will effect your personality and physical appealing greatly!

First of all I would suggest learning new ways to love yourself. Take some time to pamper and focus just on you! If you are unhappy with yourself, then everyone around you will be unhappy with you. Recognize that you were created by the King, and that makes you a Princess!

Please talk to your husband about how you feel. If weight is the issue, I would seek some marital counseling. Because issues like this can destroy a womans self worth. You are an important, loved and unique. Don't listen to lies. Before long, you start to believe them.

Now, I would like to say.........my weight has been up and down over 13 years of marriage, not to mention the fifth baby in about 7 weeks! There is no reason you can not have a sastified and happy sex life with a little extra weight!

I hope you begin to feel better soon!

well now.....now Im more confused. First I didnt realize I was suppose to jump on a bash your husband because you say he thinks your fat wagon.....you post that you want to lose and this and that and then when its suggested how you jumped back with I KNOW HOW and am successful....so Im really not seeing what it is youre looking for.

truth is...and what I shouldve posted was....only you know whats really going on in your home in your relationship....only you know what will or what wont fix it....so make your move.

My reply to drama wasnt suggesting that you yell or scream at home, honestly Id have no way of knowing that....I was referring to your posts about the mother in law, the kids, the husband and so on.....which to me presents obvious drama.


and why is that a person has to also be overweight to understand your need or want to change something about yourself to understand what it is youre saying?? ....first Ive had a set of twins...so I assure you ..yes I have extra weight..that IIIIIII have an issue with. Weight that I tend to pin on any problems in my life.....but reality is...it isnt...it was my own unhappiness. me being unhappy about my weight....which in my case it leads to many more issues with life....and if thats what I believe it would take to change those...i would. I am working on my weight...but more importantly other things in my life....like venting more to a friend about my crazy annoying, nosey mil of mine and limiting what I give my husband about my fit on her.....writing in a journal about all the 50 million things the kids have done in the day that I could swear was my last nerve......and so on.....and although my ass is still the same size...the drama has gone way down with my husband! that tells me...the weight wasnt the issue....but again fat or skinny the other problems can still exist.


anyway Im out of this one...shouldnt have stepped in here in the first place!

I'm going to take a teeny tiny exception to the above comment about weight being controllable. While I agree it is a true statement, we need to be careful about blanket statements and not turn into the food police.

Perfect example: I can cite almost to the day that i started to gain weight and nothing I did was stopping it. I was gaining 5 lbs a month (60 lbs in a year!).

I found out many years later that my thyroid had pretty much shut down. Not slowed down.....SHUT down.

But we are never taught that weight gain could be a medical problem. We are told constantly that a rapid weight LOSS could be a sign of a problem, but if you gain weight, then it's just because you're a slob who doesn't care and wont' do anything about it. The old "she just LET HERSELF GO" comment that grates on my last nerve. (Ever notice how women "let themselves go" but men are described as "oh he's getting some of that good home cookin'!")

Had I ever been taught that weight GAIN could be a medical problem, I'd probably weight 50 lbs less than I do. I would have found out the reason and gotten on the medication much sooner.

Shall we all make a pact to teach our daughters/children BOTH sides of the fence and not stereotype the issue by teaching them guilt and low self esteem?

you know... they check my thyroid EVERY time I go into a doctor. I have an enlarged thryoid, but the findings are always normal.... I'm wondering though... maybe normal for all people, isn't normal for what I should be? its' always on the low side though.

that's why LOVE pregnancy - it boosts my metabolism and without TRYING I lose weight... I eat well (as most of the time) and find that after the baby is born I've only gained 11 lbs with the baby and 6 weeks postpartum I'm 50 to 60 pounds less than when I got pregnant!!! WITHOUT TRYING!!!

But, of course, they won't treat a thyroid if it is in the normal range because how can they KNOW what is normal for me???

Melissa

I wore a size 8 when I was still growing, on the swim team and THIN... I wore that size for about a minute.... I can't even imagine!

melissa

I am going to jump in on this topic...it is soooo my kind of topic....FIRST of all when I first got married to sperm donar #1 he KNEW I was overweight....a good 50 pounds....the day after we got married (and this is when I knew I made a mistake) he said "when are ya going to lose all that weight?" !!!!! My comment was (and I do get defensive about this as it is touchy for me) I WAS FAT WHEN YOU MARRIED ME WHERE WERE YOU????? I am STILL heavy ... my 2nd DH married me when I was even heavier! He has NEVER made a comment about my weight and if he did...well...let me tell ya they might not find all the body parts LOL (J/k)....anyways....you will never know how it feels to be lacking of self confidence, self control (weight wise) unless you have been overweight...everything seems to come down on the weight issue....

Society DOES look at us "fatties" different...it's a known fact....and (not trying to cause a rukus I promise) if you have NEVER been overweight..at least by 50 or 60 pounds (not while pregnant) then you will never know how it feels to be singled out for it and humiliated.

Please know that I know how you feel when you say you aren't happy with looking at yourself and being "not so happy" with your weight. I do it every day in the mirror...in fact I can't stand it! I have been married 11 wonderful years to my DH and he has seen me "in the buff" maybe 2 times. He NEVER gives me grief about it though and glad he doesn't. If you can't love yourself naked nobody else can and the reason isn't always because they are disgusted with you but maybe they don't want to embarrass you because we tend to be embarrassed and feel like we are putting ourselves "out there" for critiquing ..... I hope you know what I am trying to say. My DH would be uncomfortable NOT because of MY body but because I, myself would be uncomfortable and he wouldn't want that.


SO...maybe your dh acts the way he does because he knows you are uncomfortable with your body right now and he doesn't want to make you feel any other way then happy. Maybe he doesn't think you are really wanting intimate contact right now.....

Get a babysitter, go to Lane Bryant (they have the prettiest lingerie for us "bigger women") get a pretty little piece of lingerie (Sp), make dinner so when he comes home you can have dinner and an intimate gathering without the kiddos...we need that...

Anyways I am sorry I rambled, Ive been up since 2 am! I hope I made sense...I am sending you a big ole Ky hug....from one overweight lady to another....love yourself babe!!

Here's something I was thinking about last night. My doctor had told me that if I lost some weight then maybe my self-confidence would be higher. Now, I never told her I felt bad about my weight, and I don't. I weigh less than I did when I started having kids (which still leaves me in the overweight-by-50 lbs range) but I am comfortable at this weight and I know my husband still thinks I look good (based on the fact that he can't keep his hands off me when I wear certain shirts ). But this doctor, who has always been thin, assumed that because I was overweight that it made me feel bad. I was discussing this with my mom last night, if I lost weight to boost my confidence, then wouldn't my self-esteem always be based on my weight? What if I started to put on weight again? My self-esteem would plummet because I would assume that being thinner would make me feel better about myself! Don't get me wrong, if your health is suffering then by all means you should lose weight. But don't do it to boost your self-esteem or the minute you start to put weight on again you will again begin to feel bad.
I've been struggling with my weight my whole life, the last time I saw a size 8 I was in 7th grade! Even at a healthy weight, like maybe around 140 lbs, I would still be a size 10. I was raised believing that I needed to be thin to get a man, not only that but that I would be happy having a man. I came very close to marrying the wrong man because of these delusions (and I was 135 lbs!). But I gradually realized that being thinner and having a man wasn't going to make me happy, I had to be happy in the situation I was in. So, once I got past that, I met my husband and the rest is history, I was 160 lbs when I got married so hubby knew he wasn't marrying Twiggy Don't get me wrong, the doubt still creeps up on me at times, especially if the scale fluctuates, but then I remember that God loves me as I am, hubby loves me as I am, and so do my kids. If I lose weight I want it to be for the right reasons

My weight has been a thorn in my side since I was 14.

Whne I was 14 I finally went thru the biggest chunk of puberty and the biggest effect (besides boobs and menstruation) was that I had a rounded belly. My mom was worried about me getting fat (like her) so she got me to join the swim team. well, even with exercising 4 hours a day, I still have a FIRM bump on my tummy... not all women/girls have flat tummies.

But... I felt fat. First, I'm built VERY big. At 15 I was 5'5" tall (I grew an inch later that year) and 145 lbs and I was THIN... but I was 145 lbs.... most girls my height were like 130.

Then, I grew more and did put on a "tiny" bit of weight. When I graduated high school I was 178, wearing a size 16 (now that would be a 14) and felt HUGE. I felt as huge then as I do now and now I weigh 250.

When I was in college, I didn't date much. I was WAY too self-conscious about my weight and the messages from my mom were not subliminal. She would say, "You will never meet anyone while you(we) are fat." and I bleieved it.

But then, I met my husband. I weighed 195 and was 23. OMG was I in love (and I still do love him 15 years after meeting him) and he made me feel BEAUTIFUL for me! We talked about my weight and said that sure, if I were 20 lbs lighter that would be great, but he said if I were 20 lbs lighter, what I am or 20 lbs heavier, he would find me equally attractive.

Well, soon after we married, I got know his mom better. She was always referring to my weight and DH wouldn't defend me. He told me I needed to do that for myself and not involve him. It was HORRIBLE.

Then.. I started work and I gained weight (I was a student before)...when my son was about a year old, I gained a little more, then I lost 60, then I gained 70, then I lost 40, then I gained 40... now I've lost 10 again.

So, I weigh 55 lbs more than when I got married, and 85 lbs more than the doctor wants me at. I NOW know that I should way 165.... I'm built HUGE - big shoulders, wide hips, big bones AND very chesty (cup size has never gone up.)

I wear a size 20, when I lose 30 lbs, I go down to an 18 and when I'm at 200, I wear a 16... at my ideal, I figure a 14.

I have always been approved or disapproved by my weight and it's hard to feel good when EVERYONE around you says, "you look awful."

It is a vicious cycle.
melissa

Screw all them and the horses they rode in on. Your problem is not your weight. It's your attitude. (I say this in the spirit of love and support, mind you. )

Fat is not equal to unattractive, and you need to let go of that. I know you may want to lose weight for various reasons, but the fact is that being thin doesn't make you happy. It just makes you smaller.

You DO need to defend yourself - not that he shouldn't, also, mind you - but you have every right to stand up for yourself. You have every right to exist and be stunningly beautiful at 250 lbs. Oddly enough, once you do that, you may not weigh 250 lbs anymore... but that's not the goal. It's a happy by-product of accepting yourself and loving yourself and refusing to accept any less than those around you. Period.

Want some proof? When I wsa 16 years old, I weighed over 250 myself, which at 5'3" is quite a bit. I hover between 145 and 155 as a general matter these days, and I'll be celebrating my 30th birthday next month, and close to four years at this size. I got some counseling in college, worked on my HEAD, and all of a sudden my body just straightened itself out. I dropped approximately 50 pounds in about 7 or 8 months.

About 5 years ago, I broke up with my then-boyfriend and went looking for something to heal my heart. One 2nd Degree Black Belt and 50 more pounds later, I'm quite happy, thank you.

I tried for years and years to lose weight. It didn't work. When I fixed the other issues, I couldn't keep the weight on if I tried.

And can I just say I have to beat the men off with a stick sometimes? And it's not because I'm skinny and perfect - I'm still overweight (though less so), and I've got thunder thighs and a pumpkin butt, but I've also got control of myself, and my life, and no interest in anyone who doesn't think I'm FABulous, and most certainly not concerned with anybody else's approval or diapproval of my body.

All that so say that nobody can make you feel less than phenomenal unless you let them. Quit letting them.

Edited to delete double post.

I just wanted to add this...

After my second daughter was born in 1995, my GP suggested I get my thyroid checked, as he felt that it was enlarged. I was also showing many of the hypothyroid symptoms. I did get checked, but the tests showed that my readings were in the normal range.

After meeting with another doctor and an endocrinologist, they decided that the "Normal" test range was not normal for ME! So they put me on thyroid hormone, and I have been taking it ever since.

My weight has not gone down, but at least I don't seem to be putting on any more at a super-fast rate. One time, I put on more than 12 pounds in one month! It's crazy and doesn't make any sense.

Now I have the emotions, the depression, the lethargy , the hair problems under control and I have lots more energy. The weight ... I live with it...

Luckily for me, neither my husband nor I have any issues with it, except those that are health related... I can happily look in the mirror, and I have no problem with him seeing me as I am ... every wrinkle, fold and blob of cellulite!
We've known each other 21 years, we've been happily married for close to 18.

Exercise, Yes I know I should. Do I? Very sporadically. It's a vicious circle.

I don't exercise... the weight increases and I get depressed and then I have no enthusiasm/energy to get moving ... so I put on a few grams more... It never ends!


I know, that I will never regain my slim figure from 20 years ago, and I will always be on the wrong side of 200 lbs.

But, through these last 12 years, I have learnt that once I was at peace with myself and my weight, and hence much happier, everybody at home was.

I hope you can find peace too.
Karen

Another thought, Melissa... what do you LOVE about yourself, and your body? Right now? And don't say "nothing," because there's something to love about EVERY body.

Google "phenomenal woman," print it out, frame it, and read it to yourself every day.

BTW... what I love best about my body? The brain it feeds. What I love best about my body physically? Those jiggly thunder thighs - beacuse under the fat, there's a chunk of muscle that lets me put my feet through boards. And because the fat ensures that if I'm ever subject to famine, I'll be able to live longer and kick harder than all those skinny... witches.

While you're online shopping for those bras, try softsurroundingsoutlet.com for clothes. They have a regular store, too (softsurroundings.com), but the outlet kicks a$$ because you can get serious deals. I have no objection to super clearance - live for it, actually - but only on the good stuff!

SS has regular and plus sizes, but the reason I'm fond of it is because of the fabrics and styles they carry. Be forewarned that the sizing is somewhat inconsistent, though, since I think they use more than one manufacturer.