most bullies will back down once you confront them. The major one I did didn't though and became extremely violent with a wicked tounge. Thank goodness that's all over --she needed medication for a chemical imbalance and some other issues--
Just be careful not to make her feel like she's been backed into a corner because she'll come out swinging then. Good Luck with everything!!! You can do this and be the better person.
Laura and I talked about that to. We thought about doing it with Luke there so she would have someone in her "corner" so she wouldn't feel so threatened. Since she is so defensive. We plan to be as nice and tactful as we can and still get the point across. I even thought about going to Luke about it first since if we do something she doesn't like she goes right over to him and starts whispering. She's like a child sometimes.
Anna
sometimes!! 
Okay, that wasn't very nice of me. Sorry. 
mommachris
Anna,
good luck! Do let us know how it goes. If it doesn't work don't give in to her and give up. Just regroup, re-plan, and redeploy with another tactic.
I really need to vent and hopefully get some advice. My Brother's wife is horrible. At every family get together she rears her ugly head and it really hurts my Parents. Our last family thing was just last weekend and she attacked my Dad. I'm at a complete loss as to what I should do, if I should do anything at all. The thing that makes this time different is that I found out that she actually USED ME in a lie she told to my Brother to wriggle her way out of taking any blame for what happened. She actually used me against my own Father and to lie to my own Brother!!!! I was absolutely livid when I found out. Do I let my Brother know that his wife is a liar? I don't know if I should do anything that might alienate my brother from the family. It's just that this has gone on for too long and she has gone too far this time!! I'm praying about it and searching my Bible for answers but not getting any clear signals yet. Can anyone help me? TIA.
I haven't read any other replies yet, so please forgive me if I repeat other's suggestions. Since you are searching the Bible, I would consider this point of view -- it truly is your brother's responsibility to stand up for your dad and put his wife in check. The Bible says that the wife needs to submit to her husband, so if he tells her to lay off your dad, she should do it. (Not saying she will, but that's the Biblical perspective). Perhaps you or your husband or both of you could talk to your brother? If you jump in when she's being awful, then you've really set up a power play between you and her. If your brother handles it, the problem won't grow tentacles. As for your dad, he's probably able to take care of himself in that he's a grown man and can handle it. Does it upset him? Maybe he just shrugs it off and lets it fall off his back? As for the lie that she told, since that does involve you directly, perhaps you and your husband can sit down with her and your brother. Look them straight in the eye and go over what she said. Tell her you know exactly what she said, that it was wrong, and that you never want to be dragged into a story of hers again. Sometimes direct confrontation like this, with the others present, can really knock some sense into people.
I'm sorry this is happening, and I hope there's a resolution to your situation soon.
S.
Anna
I haven't read any other replies yet, so please forgive me if I repeat other's suggestions. Since you are searching the Bible, I would consider this point of view -- it truly is your brother's responsibility to stand up for your dad and put his wife in check. The Bible says that the wife needs to submit to her husband, so if he tells her to lay off your dad, she should do it. (Not saying she will, but that's the Biblical perspective). Perhaps you or your husband or both of you could talk to your brother? If you jump in when she's being awful, then you've really set up a power play between you and her. If your brother handles it, the problem won't grow tentacles. As for your dad, he's probably able to take care of himself in that he's a grown man and can handle it. Does it upset him? Maybe he just shrugs it off and lets it fall off his back? As for the lie that she told, since that does involve you directly, perhaps you and your husband can sit down with her and your brother. Look them straight in the eye and go over what she said. Tell her you know exactly what she said, that it was wrong, and that you never want to be dragged into a story of hers again. Sometimes direct confrontation like this, with the others present, can really knock some sense into people.
I'm sorry this is happening, and I hope there's a resolution to your situation soon.
S.
Anna31,
I have a wicked SIL also and I decided that her main problem is that she is jealous of our family. She never has had a close relationship with her brother and her parents are deceased. She backstabs every female in our family. She turned her children against my father. They never had any respect for him and treated him like scum. He is now deceased and she acts like she won the battle. Over a year ago, her son got married and she caused a huge scene at his wedding. She had been trying to cause trouble for his bride way before the wedding. Well, she is now excluded from any family functions. Unfortunately, my brother thinks she is the one being treated badly, so he is not included in any functions either. I have to state that my brother thought he was head of the family and could do no wrong. Now, he is seen as the bottom of the totem pole. He is very selfish and he gets what he deserves. I had tried in the past to write him a letter to talk about how his wife treats our family, but he either ignored the letter or his wife intercepted the letter and never let him see it. My mother and father had never wanted to start trouble with her and now she has caused complete separation with her two of her children, herself and our family. As bad as it may seem to loose a brother, I must say that the rest of us in the family have fun now at family gatherings. We don't walk on eggshells. I would suggest first, before talking to her, write a letter to your brother letting him know how you feel about her actions and the fact that you do not want to alienate him or the children, but you must put your foot down when it comes to her ugly behavior and that it will not be tolerated anymore. If she can not behave herself, then it would be best for her not to go to family functions. It is then his choice as to how to handle her.
Thank you both for your wonderful advice and thank you for sharing your personal story. It does help to know how other people have dealt with the same situation. It's also nice to know that we are not the only ones. Of course I knew there were lots of families with problems like ours but it's nice to know there are families that did something about it and resolved it once and for all. You are both right. It is Luke's responsiblity to deal with his wife. I wish Laura and I didn't have to stick our noses into it. Unfortunately it's been going on for about 9 years so if Luke hasn't don't anything about it yet, chances are he isn't going to. I have heard him telling her she was rude and to calm down but like I said, she does not like being told what to do. I think that just makes her more mad and the situation gets worse. Not sure what Laura and I would be getting ourselves in to by confronting her. I think what she would do is pack up their stuff put the kids in the van and leave. It's a very delicate situation because that would really upset my Mom. And if that happened because of something I did, if I were responsible for that scene I would feel horrible. I think it would take a very long time to repair that damage. We would have to choose our words carefully.
I'll be going on my DD's field trip with her and her class today so won't be home till about 2:30. Just wanted to let you all know that I'll be away from the computer for most of the day. You've given me something to think about. Thanks again everyone!
Anna
I've had a chance to read a bit more of the thread now...sounds like you've tried some of the things mentioned earlier, and it does sound like your dad is able to handle it. As a man after God's heart, he knows that she is in the wrong. It isn't him.
However, I still wonder if direct confrontation with her might not be best -- with your husbnads there too. Your brother may need to grow more of a spine, but if he's talked to her and she still doesn't listen then he's in a tough spot. He obviously wants to be around your parents, but he doesn't know how to get through to his wife. But ultimately, it is your dad who is responsible for how he handles this, isn't it? Maybe he believes that by having her around the love of God that he has in him that she will realize the errors of her ways. He obviously cares about others if he's building houses, etc. Mission trips have probably shown him so much about people and God's love that her little snipes don't even phase him for a second. Loving her and telling her that she is wrong out of love is, in my opinion, the best way to bring out the shame that she has brought to herself in this situation. Have you asked your dad about how he feels about it?
Again, hope a solution makes itself clear to you soon!
S.
I've had a chance to read a bit more of the thread now...sounds like you've tried some of the things mentioned earlier, and it does sound like your dad is able to handle it. As a man after God's heart, he knows that she is in the wrong. It isn't him.
However, I still wonder if direct confrontation with her might not be best -- with your husbnads there too. Your brother may need to grow more of a spine, but if he's talked to her and she still doesn't listen then he's in a tough spot. He obviously wants to be around your parents, but he doesn't know how to get through to his wife. But ultimately, it is your dad who is responsible for how he handles this, isn't it? Maybe he believes that by having her around the love of God that he has in him that she will realize the errors of her ways. He obviously cares about others if he's building houses, etc. Mission trips have probably shown him so much about people and God's love that her little snipes don't even phase him for a second. Loving her and telling her that she is wrong out of love is, in my opinion, the best way to bring out the shame that she has brought to herself in this situation. Have you asked your dad about how he feels about it?
Again, hope a solution makes itself clear to you soon!
S.
Sounds to me like you've got our family down to a tee! Everything you said is exactly right. Although her "little snipes" do affect him. He doesn't put up with being talked down to by a spoiled selfish brat like her. Actually this was the first time I know of that he defended himself to her. I think he's getting to the point where he has had enough to. One time a few months ago we were out for a walk together, just two of us. I was praising Jodi for something, actually that she has had such good luck losing weight and that she had told me that she was now a size 4!! Dad said that he would rather she were a few sizes larger and acted like a human being half the time. I was kind of taken back by that because he does not insult people or talk negatively toward them. So it has to be getting old for him to. His missions trips have shown him allot about God's love and the good that is still left in people. I think that might make it harder for him to see his dear Son married to someone like her. When Luke could have done SO much better!!
It's been an exhuasting day and I've got to get up at the crack of dawn and start caking. So need to hop in the shower and get to bed.
Anna
Sounds to me like you've got our family down to a tee! Everything you said is exactly right. Although her "little snipes" do affect him. He doesn't put up with being talked down to by a spoiled selfish brat like her. Actually this was the first time I know of that he defended himself to her. I think he's getting to the point where he has had enough to. One time a few months ago we were out for a walk together, just two of us. I was praising Jodi for something, actually that she has had such good luck losing weight and that she had told me that she was now a size 4!! Dad said that he would rather she were a few sizes larger and acted like a human being half the time. I was kind of taken back by that because he does not insult people or talk negatively toward them. So it has to be getting old for him to. His missions trips have shown him allot about God's love and the good that is still left in people. I think that might make it harder for him to see his dear Son married to someone like her. When Luke could have done SO much better!!
Anna[/quote]
Here's another thought --
You could consider inviting her and your brother over for dinner with the understanding that you need to talk about something serious. Make it a kid free environment. Then, out of love for your dad, and love for your sister-in-law (whose heart you truly do want filled with God's love and peace so she won't act this way), you can very calmly, seriously, and without antagonism tell her that you're very concerned about your dad. You're sure that she hasn't intended it, but that you think that her words/attitude, whatever, are hurting your dad. Knowing that she would never really want to hurt anyone, you just couldn't help but bring this to her attention. Tell her that this is a hard conversation to have because you don't want to hurt anyone's feelings, but you are just so worried about your dad and the family's relationships. You know your dad would never say anything because he loves you all (son, kids, etc) so much that he wouldn't want to hurt any of you. Let these genuine feelings of love that you have for your dad and your family be your guide. Ultimately, your brother is married to her and is the mother of your nieces and nephews. You truly do want her to have a change of heart - to be in God's will and to show the love of God. Not to be the selfish, self-centered individual she is being. She can change. She can have a change of spirit. Wouldn't that be wonderful? Wouldn't everyone think it was great to see her become nice?
I know it's always easier to give advice than to follow it. I'm just tyring to give you some other ideas that you may not have considered. 
Hang in there!
S.
Thank you for your kind words and thoughtful advice! The thing is I know she did intend to be hurtful and she doesn't care that she is spewing her venom at her DH's parents. Luke is in a tough spot because he is definately a major part of our family. No less than myself or Laura. We are all so proud of him and most of us are just in awe of how super smart and handsome he is. He's a Biochemist at the Mayo clinic. He goes to these seminars and gives presentations and such. I saw a pic of his board of graphs and numbers and it was totally over my head. He's just starting to teach their Sunday school class on Creation. My parents could not be any prouder of him. So it is bitter sweet to have them come to family functions. We have always tolerated her and held our tongues for his sake. Mom is too selfless to be willing to damage the relationship between them and us for HER sake. Dad is quite capable of defending himself. He is no push over. He holds his ground and is very opinionated. Just so happens that 95% of his opinions we all agree with, except Jodi. Anyway, I've got to be boring everyone with all this family drama! Everyone has problems. I'm just going to continue to pray about it and search my Bible for answers. I'll be praying not only for answers but for Jodi, Luke and the rest of us.
Better get back to my kitchen! I have one more cake to get done! 
Thanks again, Anna
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