Dh Yelled At Me (Ranting, Kinda Long)
Decorating By frostingfairy Updated 6 Sep 2007 , 4:19pm by Karate
So, every time my DH (not so D right now) starts a conversation with "Is there any reason why..." I know he's angry. Today he calls me at work (and I'm having a very hectic week)"Is there any reason why I just had to run around the house picking up when YOU KNEW the appraiser was coming?" The one day I forgot to make the bed b4 I left; he never cares otherwise.
So I completely forgot the appraiser was coming this morning, and I forgot to tell him I forgot to make the bed...I'm a tad zoned out on sinus medication. But he's OH SO embarrassed that there was some dirty clothes on the floor (HIS) and a glass on the coffee table (again HIS), but I don't think it looked like hillbillies live in my house and I don't think that the house will appraise for less money because my bed wasn't made (will it?) But apparently my apology DOESN"T DO HIM ANY GOOD NOW and he hangs up on me. 
I know he'll most likely be over it by the time I get home and probably won't mention it again, but still..I'm all messed up now. Anyway, I just needed to vent. THanks all
Erika
Sorry about that....it can be really annoying when the "D" stops being for dear and starts being for damn...LOL. He will get over and so will you. =) All will be good and fine if it was only the bed and a few dirty clothes and a cup to be cleaned up. That takes all of five minutes to do!
I don't mean to sound rude, but.... does the hubby not know how to pick up his own clothes, dishes or make his bed? I'm not sure why it's ultimately up to you to make everything perfect. Ca-mon, there's 2 leg holes in this pair of pants and one of those legs needs to be yours. Enough of my ranting, I'm just not putting up with the old fashioned man attitude. 
GET YOUR LEG IN THAT PAIR OF PANTS!!!!! OK, I feel better.
Dont' get sucked into it. When he asks "is there any reason....' you simply reply "No....no reason at all." It's manipulative. He KNOWS there is no "reason". He's just doing the "big man" thing by putting you on the defensive.
Or if you want to do the Debi-Thing, you tell him, "No .... just the same reason YOU have for not doing it EITHER!"
Before I tell you the next story, my disclaimer: our kids think the way we "fight" is funny. We don't drag it out and we usually end up laughing within 5 minutes (well, except that time I didn't speak to him for 3 days, but he deserved it!). So a typical conversation between us:
Hubby: Why do you think we have to do everything YOUR way?
Me: Because I'm usually right and your way is stupid!!
(Well, HEY! he ASKED me what I think, didn't he?)
So when he asks you "is there a reason?" then I say just tell him the truth .... Nope! No reason at all! 
Well, I hate being yelled at....so I understand where you're coming from.
I would definitley turn the guilt on here and work it so that he makes dinner, or rubs your feet, or brings flowers. You know like: My work day was so stressful, and then your call came and it totally frazzled me and I missed a big deadline, and now my boss is really mad at me! did you really have to call and yell at me at work? Really??
At least that's what works on my DH....
Or if you want to do the Debi-Thing, you tell him, "No .... just the same reason YOU have for not doing it EITHER!"
I'd do similar. I'd call him up five minutes later, and ask my DH, "is there any reason that YOU couldn't have picked up your clothes and glass with the appraiser coming today?"
DH and I have a running joke that DH lacks the gene for being able to get the dirty clothes actually INTO the hamper. We've determined it is genetic, DS has the same dysfunction. They are both in house therapy, but I'm thinking it is hopeless.
Just like I have a disability to remember where I placed my purse or keys.
Next time tell him, "so sorry, Darling Hubby, I guess I was just so buzy helping you with your job, that I didn't have time to do mine." I used to have one of those that thought it was women's work to keep the home. I finally asked him why he couldn't help me with my job when I help him with his (to bring in the money) 5 days a week? Only fair.
When we had our house appraised I worked my tail of to make sure it was spotless. When the appraisers came they never went inside 
.
That would've completely burned me up!! Men can be really stupid!!
My response...WTH? Are YOUR arms broken? Then I would have called h im right back and hung up on him! Hahaha!
Im serious.
[quote]I'm sorry your husband is being a jerk, but this belongs in the Lounge.
Sorry, I thought that's where I was when I posted. No wonder I couldn't find it in the Lounge 
Shows you how frazzled I was.
Indydebi, I love your answers...we're still newlyweds, so he hasn't accepted the fact that I'm always right yet. He will though Next time he asks "is there a reason...?" I will think of you and blithely reply, "no, no reason at all."
When I got home, I just told him that I am not his mother and will not pick up after him (he's 47 for goodness sake!), that the house will not appraise for less $$ because the bed wasn't made and that if he ever hangs up on me like that again there will be no *** for a week! (I mean cake of course 
)
Thanks for the help everyone. I promise I'll watch where I'm posting next time.
Whether or not you have things laying around has nothing to do with the appraised costs (unless there are holes in the walls).......I will admit to be the world's worst housekeeper and even apologized for that, but the appraiser said it has nothing to do with the house value.
First of all, the appraiser is looking at the structure of your house, walls, etc. and how big your rooms are. Not if your a clean person or not. Secondly, if they were his clothes and drink then I would of told him to get off his lazy a** and do it himself since he had time to call you up at work and cuss you out.
My husband doesnt dare call me up and rant about something about the house because he knows that I will put him in his place. Since it sounds like you both work, then its both your jobs to do the chores around the house. Not just your responsiblity. And since he's a grown man, not a baby (I know, beg to differ!) he is quite capable of helping out.
First of all, dont let him frazzle you or he's won. I would go home and if he brings it up again just calming ask him if they were your clothes or his. And ask who was the last one out of the bed. It should shut him up.
OMG! This sounds like my husband when we first got married. I stopped it real quick. I went on strike for 2 weeks.
I cleaned up behind my daughter (who was 3) & myslef. I cooked for the two of us. SInce I got home before he did, I would cook & clean up. There would never be enough food for him to eat. I made sure to make nost of his favorite foods just so the house would smell really good when he got home.
One day he mentioned how dirty the house was. I told him to inventory whay the items were. After about 10 minutes, he apologized. He has helped clean since.
Of course he knows I have a bad temper anyway. I try REALLY hard to contain.
Example.
I was backing out of the driveway onr afternoon, we had just had an argument. I accidentally barely hit his truck. It was really an accident. He came runnign out of the front door screaming at me about hitting his truck on purpose. I told him I didn't. he was on the porch & still yelling at me about it. SO... I pulled forward abpout 2-3 feet, put it in reverse & stomped on the gas. Yes, I put a huge dent in the side of his truck. Got out & told him the next time I tell him it's an accident he might want to believe me. Since he accused me of doing it on purpose, I wanted to make sure he was right. 
We have been married for almost 12 years. Some people think it's just to torture each other. That's just a bonus
I have never understood why most men think it is the woman's place to make the bed and pick up THEIR dirty laundry. I finally made up my mind one day to not pick up dirty laundry from my DH nor my kids. When they ran out of clean clothes, they were quite upset. Strange that mine were all laundered and put away!
Next came significant other with whom I lived for 13 years. He never left anything on the floor. He never left food sitting out. If he made a sandwich everything went back where it belonged. His pet peeve was empty ice trays so they were always filled. I thought, "This is great." Turned out he was cheating on me every chance he got. Soooooo..........there are worse things than picking up their dirty laundry. Just took me years to figure it out and do something about it.
I am visiting at my sister's right now in NC and her husband is a fanatic about everything having a place and everything being in that place. One crumb falls on the floor and she is picking it up so he isn't fussing. I love him dearly and he is good to my sister (been married 32 years and raised two wonderful children), but when I cook I don't want someone there picking up everything I drop. He stays up after we go to bed and takes out the trash, runs the dishwasher, picks up everyone's shoes and lines them up in the hallway, and gets the coffee ready for morning. It is a family joke. We just let him do it. The funniest part of all is that I was the same way until I got COPD and couldn't keep up with my house. My sister laughs at me making fun of her husband and she remembers how I used to be.
I agree with everyone else.......get him trained now while the marriage is still young.
Diane
lionlady, my ex husband was like your brother in law. When I'd finish dishes, he'd get up IMMEDIATELY and go out and "inspect" the kitchen, always finding something "wrong", like the dish towel not being hung straight. He would empty ashtrays before the smoker was finished with a cigarette. His sister would make sure to use more than one ashtray because she knew it threw him into an anxiety attack.
While these stories can be humorous, it's a bad sign of a controlling person. Everything must be PERFECT and no one is perfect therefore he feels justified in berating everyone. I notice how your sister has to pick up the crumb so he isn't "fussing". Sounds like she is living in fear of his temper.
These kind of stories always send up red flags with me.
This was only one of the many many reasons I escaped with my life from that man.
My response...WTH? Are YOUR arms broken? Then I would have called h im right back and hung up on him! Hahaha!
Im serious.
Holy sh**. I would have done the EXACT SAME THING! But then I would have flipped the phone off, too. 
I am so sorry that this happen to you. I agree with Indydebi,....When he ask "Is there any reason why?" I would just say " No, really can't think of one" with a smile in a soft even tone.
My DH and I have been married 30 years, and when we get into it you would think, oh this is going to be bad. As Debi & her DH, few mins. later we are laughing and cutting up....we say what we have to say in order to get it off our chest, if I am right am right, if am wrong I say so (99% of the time am right 
) I have learn that pride will not choke as it goes down. My mother has always said, she's never seen 2 people fight the way we do and she thinks thats why we are still together all these years maybe that and the fact I don't what to spend another 30 years training another man .
One time his dad came over (this was years ago)....and after his father left he said, "You could have pick this up or that up" I look at him and said, "it's your stuff not mine or the kids" My DH was bad to take his hat, shoes, socks off and leave them in the family room, so I told him after that remark "if you don't start picking your stuff up I am going to throw it right out the front door".... so one night there was all his stuff laying around after he went to bed....I open the front door and it was like knocking a home run out of the ball park.
He wakes me up the next morning and saids "were is my things that was in the family room?" I said "open the front door and look in the yard". DH has not done that since I told him "I am your wife not your mother, if you what to be treated like a little kid, you need to move back home.
Did something like this once with my son. He was in high school and had some old blue jeans with all kinds of holes in them (holes in the knees, holes around the back & front pockets)....they were fine for around the house but not school. I told him if I ever catch you wearing those to school again, I'll burn every pair you have. He comes home from school one day, has a pair on. I say change your pants, I go to his room get every pair of jeans that has holes in them, tell him to come with me, go outside and I sat them on fire. I didn't yell at him, I didn't even get mad...but he did learn that day....I mean what I say.
There are somethings you just do as a wife & mother, but there is things that they need to do and learn for their selfs....guess in my case they learn the hard way. Now some may say I am a witch, (put a B in place of W) and I would say "yeap, if you put prefect in front of that" j/k. Sorry this is so long.
God Bless,
Sharon
lionlady, my ex husband was like your brother in law. When I'd finish dishes, he'd get up IMMEDIATELY and go out and "inspect" the kitchen, always finding something "wrong", like the dish towel not being hung straight. He would empty ashtrays before the smoker was finished with a cigarette. His sister would make sure to use more than one ashtray because she knew it threw him into an anxiety attack.
While these stories can be humorous, it's a bad sign of a controlling person. Everything must be PERFECT and no one is perfect therefore he feels justified in berating everyone. I notice how your sister has to pick up the crumb so he isn't "fussing". Sounds like she is living in fear of his temper.
These kind of stories always send up red flags with me.
This was only one of the many many reasons I escaped with my life from that man.
I know what you mean Debi, but.......man I would love to live with this man about once a week! You know just long enough for him to run around and clean up!
grannys3, my current hubby used to (USED to!) empty the trash cans and set the bags of trash in the hallway because he'd take them to the garage trash bins "later". It's 4 whole steps from the hall to the garage. So I let them pile up. When I got 5 trash bags in the hall, I set them in the laundry room. He couldn't get in the house when he came home. He ranted about why they were "in the way". I said, "Well you said you'd take them to the garage.....I thought I was helping by moving them closer for you!" He said, 'Oh bull! you did that just to (insert sarcasm here) teach me a lesson!" as he angrily hauled them to the garage.
Well, lesson learned. I don't have trash bags in the hall anymore.
Oh, I hate it when they do stuff like that! Been married to DH for 20 years, and we went through a little power struggle early on about laundry...he also seemed to lack the gene to get the dirty (and I mean DIRTY) work clothes off his body and into the actual hamper, instead piling them on the floor right next to it, which was right next to where he'd get undressed. I mean, you'd have to move out of the way NOT to get them in the hamper as they came off your body, lol.
So...one day I decided to quick scurrying around picking up the work clothes and putting them IN the hamper. I decided to leave the pile there and let it build up and rot for all I cared. It got so big that you almost couldn't open the bathroom door because they were right behind it.
Sure enough one morning he's like "OMG!! I don't have ANY clean clothes??!?" I said, "Hmm...Well, I've done all the laundry...Oh, it could be that they WEREN'T IN THE HAMPER." I then continued along the line of, "If you don't get that pile in the hamper EVERYSINGLENIGHT, I'm going to take the whole thing out in the yard and set it ON FIRE ". It took some time, but now the work clothes all go in the hamper, and he rarely has to wear dirty work pants (now it's just because I forgot to wash clothes because I was busy making cakes, but that's a story for another thread... )
After 20 years, he's basically the perfect man now.
Same answer when they ask "Is there any reason..." ...Pause, arch your eyebrows and look thoughtful for a minute, and say, "Hmm, let me think, we're talking about YOUR clothes on the floor and YOUR dirty cup left out...Um...nope, no reason I can think of why *I* didn't pick them up. Boy, that appraiser is sure going to think I have a slob for a husband though. Wait--Is there any reason why YOU left them OUT? Oh, wait, I remember, it's because you assumed *I* wouldn't have anything to do, and *I* would be happy to follow you around picking up your messes?"
I also like to use the response of: "Thanks for calling me at WORK and yelling at me on the cel phone, where your voice carried for like 20 feet. The whole office heard you and now thinks I'm married to a (insert descriptive phrase here)"--I've had to use that one when DH has called me while I'm setting up a wedding cake, all the catering staff standing around, and chews on me for whatever reason. Embarrassing....but doesn't happen any more.
Nip it in the bud, girl. Nip it in the bud. In 20 years, you'll still be having the same argument if you don't...
Debi, I like your style lady, it is sad sometimes what we have to do isn't it, to get a point across .
No where in my wedding vows did it say anything....about my DH being able to throw things here and there, make a mess or not have to pick up after his self or that he could make it harder on me and it was o.k., but I do have to give my DH credit he has been so great over the 30yrs. about helping me where & when I have needed help and I do the same for him.
DH & I have a little saying, we say after getting into it or when times are hard...."God is testing our love" but there has been sometimes after that remark I have thought "Well I just don't know how many more times I'll keep passing that test"
You know how someone may say, " It's so clean you could eat off the floors".... I look at them and say " why would you want to eat of the floors?", love the look on their face
God Bless,
Sharon
Indydebi, I left a wrong impression about my BIL. He is not controlling of my sister at all. They make all decisions together and have a wonderful marriage. Both are deaf and retired from teaching after 30 years. He is just got a bad case of OCCD. She likes it most of the time because he really keeps the house straightened up. They both tell me not to let it bother me when I am here.
I made my infamous pork fried rice on Thursday night and my also infamous biscuits and gravy Friday morning. I can't help it. I am a messy cook. I clean up afterwards--just give me time.
He went to Durham to dog and cat sit for their son as he had to go to a wedding in Ashville this weekend. I'm sitting here laughing because his son and wife are slobs. He'll keep occupied cleaning their house. We're sitting here leaving messes on the table and enjoying it.
Diane
LIke I said earlier, when I got home I told him flat out that I'm not his mother and he better not expect me to pick up after him. He was a bachelor for soooooo long (his first marriage, my second) that he needs LOTS of training in living in the civilized world. But I'm working on it. Usually he's pretty ok, he does do the laundry (but I have to fold it 
) and he will make dinner for the kids (mine) if I'm working late, so usually I cut him some slack. However I did have to tell him that if he married me to get free domestic help he was in for a rude shock. I'm an artist and a decorator, not a housekeeper and if he pulls this kinda cr*p again, he'll be sleeping with his dog. He apologized and took me out to dinner Smart man.
BTW, my ex husband also inspected the dishes after I washed them, told me once that I was breast-feeding wrong and generally tried to control every aspect of our lives. That's why he's my EX husband
BTW, my ex husband also inspected the dishes after I washed them, told me once that I was breast-feeding wrong and generally tried to control every aspect of our lives. That's why he's my EX husband
hahaha! My ex kept trying to tell me how to put my contacts in! He never wore contacts in his life!!!!!
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