MIL and FIL came over to visit today. (We have managed to put them off for weeks and it was time to pay up

I will preface this by saying that I know my MIL loves us all; I believe her to be a kind woman with a good heart.

BUT...

Not even five minutes after she walks in the door, she had hugged my 11 yr old, Nick, then GRABBED his belly rolls and says (loudly), "Well WHAT'S THIS?!?! THIS WASN'T HERE THE LAST TIME WE WERE HERE! HONEY (FIL), LOOK! I CAN PINCH MORE THAN AN INCH"! FIL was standing two rooms away, so she was talking loudly. I physically pulled my son away and said, "Don't listen to that, Nick. Sharon, he's fine. He's been to the doctor and he is fine."

Nick was crushed. You should have seen his face. It about made my heart break. ESPECIALLY since he has told me he is upset about his weight (not without reason...he's gained alot by making some bad food choices and activity choices, and he IS overweight...but then, so am I. MIL is a size 4) and hates his "boobs", and HE was the one who asked if I would take him to the doctor, which I did.

Within an hour she had made a comment on my 14 yr old's (Kate) hair (Kate was not there to hear it...she bailed out early because she can't stand Grandma's "helpful" comments on the state of her filthy bedroom)...Hubby had mentioned that Kate had cut it into layers and how good it looked, and MIL's only comment was, "well, how short?" and when I said you could put it into a ponytail still she literally breathed a sigh of relief and said, "Oh, thank goodness". Um, WTF? There is nothing wrong with short hair...I rather like it! And anyway, you are over 60 and wear your hair like you are 12, for God's sake. CUT THAT MANE!!!

Then she commented that it was too bad that when Emma (my almost 5 yr old) got her hair cut so short, all the curls were cut off.

And one last bitch...Nick and FIL were making plans to go to some hot rod show, and Emma said she wanted to go. Now le tme be the first to say that Emma is rather, um, high spirited (), so I am perfectly understanding of not wanting to take her, but my MIL tells her, "Oh honey, cars are a BOY thing to do, and YOU are a GIRL. Girls don't go there". Gosh dangit, she is ALWAYS doing that sh**. It irritates the snot outta me.

And hubby STILL won't wear a tank top around her b.c she hasn't seen his tattoo armband, and she HATES tattoos. She was overheard giving Nick a lecture on how to NEVER EVER do that to his body. How is that supposed to make HIM feel, when Daddy has 2 and Mommy has 1?!?! My hubby's tattoo is hot, BTW, and I am not a tattoo freak...he designed it to represent our family...all four kids and I are represented, and it is awesome.

Nick should have told her to not worry about the fat...it was just tattooed on...

Oh god I feel for ya, hun!! My dad always had nicknames for everyone, his favorite being to call someone, "Hey, Fats!" Others included Baldy, Shrimp, Lard A$$, etc. He honestly thought it was funny and a "sign of affection".

My philosophy is that I am a mom first and it is my job to protect my children from crazy people. Had she grabbed the "handles" on my child and made a comment, I swear, I would have yelled right back at her, "what the hell kind of rude comment is that to make to anyone, let alone a child....MY child!"

Your husband is a grown man and doesn't need mommy's approval for a tattoo! I say slap on that tank shirt and flaunt it!!!! (I'm still trying to talk hubby into getting SpongeBob tattoos when we're in Vegas next month .... wouldnt' take much....with all the cellulite I've got on my thigh, the "sponge" look is already there! )

One of my favorite phrases to those who think they have some divine right to run my life: "When you pay my bills, you can tell me how to do. Until then, it's none of your business."

I know how you feel........i have a very outspoken grandma...... I baby-sit a 7 month old right now and she is constantly saying that baby is obese, look at those fat rolls.....I keep reminding her that my son also had fat rolls at that age, and she swears he didnt (convenient memory)......and even though this is not my baby, it burns me up..... course she is the same one who told me "who told you your hair looked good parted down the middle"....and "if you just push back from the table honey you wouldnt be overweight"....... gee thanks Granny, dont know why I didnt think of that.

She talks about how my niece is totally spoiled and how hard of a time she is going to have at school...and I admit she is not always the picture of good behavior but she is 5 (I would love to see a well behaved 5 yr old all the time).....and by the way is doing very well in school thank you! and she talks about the temper my son has (he is 2) and how he was born with that temper (What?? he was the easiest baby to take care of in the world...super laid back, RARELY fussy, when he was an infant she bragged about him all the time)!

Hang in there!

That really stinks! I hate when anyone does that.

I have a MIL that does similar things but is more subtle, except when it's just the two of us. Then she is extremely blunt. My husband and I were both married before and each have one child from that and then a child together. She treats my son very poorly and his daughter like a princess. For a while, she even treated our son poorly. Only in the last few years has she treated him like he's actually related.

It's so sad that she gave your son such a hard time about his weight. She could actually be the cause of some of it. If he's worried about what she's going to say, then he might eat or get depressed just thinking about it. My son went through this too. Once he found that he liked sports, the weight just dropped off. Maybe as an exercise starter, your son could start walking dogs for neighbors and make a little money for himself. This depends on where you live. Sometimes this works as a great motivator.

You have every right to be upset, it's just too bad you can't say anything. That would only make things worse and it won't make her change. Nothing will.

My best to you and your family.

Michele

I'm so sorry to hear that. Boy, I can't stand my MIL, but if she ever insulted my children . WOW, she would see the demon rise up out of me . Sweetie, you're just going to have to let MIL know just how much you all don't appreciate her HELPFUL comments. Maybe she is just oblivious to how it is effecting them ( I don't know how). I say tell her or have hubby tell her to shut up and be nice.

Thanks, everyone.

I am just going to have to bite the bullet and say something, since hubby evidentally won't. I would be miserable living like he does, not willing to stand up to a parent, but it's not my choice to make. If he can't stand up, that's up to him. (In his words...it is just easier to not deal with her). He DID say that he would say something next time, but I have my doubts.

So I was thinking something along the lines of, "I know you mean well, but we DO NOT comment on bodies in this house. This is a SAFE place, where the people who love you make you feel safe." I KNOW she will come back with, "Oh but I was only teasing...it's all done in love". At which point I or hubby will have to say, "Again, we do NOT comment on bodies in this house". (But inside my head I will add "...you stupid b****". Is that wrong?!?!)

He is my son, and my job is to protect him. I did think about talking to her where son could not hear, so she didn't feel attacked, but I also think son needs to see me standing up for him, and he needs to see how to phrase things to stick up for himself. He also needs to see that I do not condone this.

On a side note, my own mother had gastric bypass surgery a year ago. She has gone from 304 to 165, and she feels great! The only comment she has ever made is that she FEELS BETTER. She says in front of the kids, "Now I can PLAY with you! We can ride bikes! We can go on hikes! I LOVE being able to play with you"! And she does. This is probably why my kids LOVE being with my mom.

I wanted to go to that retail bakery expo in Vegas in a few weeks, but it is during a week hubby is out of town and MIL would be the only one who could come watch the kids...my 14 year old DD flat out said NO, I WILL RUN AWAY FIRST, and after this latest incident I can't risk the damage MIL would do to son! I don't even know that I want his spending the night.

I tell you, if she had been MY mom, I would have either been anorexic/bulimic or 400 pounds. She tried to "help" me lose weight after my first pregnancy by commenting on everything I ate...it just made me hit my secret candy stash.

Michele...good advice on the exercise starters! He actually JUST learned to ride his bike this summer (I seriously think the kid is balance-challenged), so he enjoys that, and he took four weeks of tennis lessons this summer, so that was good. He has done two years of taekwondo, which helps with the strength training, but he decided to take a break. He needs to go back to it, though. The doctor's suggestions were to GET OUT MORE, and cut the video games (easier now that summer is over), and to make good food choices. So he is learning to read labels, and learning that fruit is a SUBSTITUTION for unhealthy choices, not something to eat IN ADDITION TO chips or cookies or whatever.

Indydebi you kill me...I always look for your advice. You are my unofficial mentor! I liked your advice on the thread dealing with teens and sex talk...very helpful to me!

One more MIL funny...in the middle of all this, we were talking about my baking, and she was asking for ways to make the desserts healthier. Um, no, my philosophy is that good treats are made with REAL butter and REAL cream and REAL sugar, and if you don't like it don't eat it! It's a TREAT for cryin' out loud! Live life!!!

Oh you poor thing! I've got one just like that! Right down to my hubby not showing his tattoo of his deceased father on his back. She is constantly critisizing EVERYONE she has ever layed eyes on and does the woe is me thing when no one wants to visit her. When it's time to see her, everyone's mood gets extremely grumpy. She even has the nerve to bad mouth me because I'm going out of town to help out my brother for a couple of weeks! She really thinks that she has to approve everything everybody does before it is done. SHE"S freakin' out of her mind!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Yep, I let her have her opinions, speak her mind, but when I've had enough, especially when she's in my home, I can't hold my tongue any longer. After 5 long years of putting up with her, I don't anymore. You guessed it, I went from being her favorite, (because I let her feel superior) to she hates me. She brings out things in me that I didn't even know were there! Just limit your encounters with her and make sure your kids know not to listen to Granny's hateful remarks. As she has no manners. Wish I could help you w/ this, but I'm in the same boat as you.

Hey Indy, would you PLEASE deal with my mil for me? I'll bake you a cake.................... Sad thing about mine is that my husband calls her mom, but says my mom is his REAL mom!

As a grandson of a man that constantly picked on me about my weight growing up, I know how your son feels. I know for a fact that part of my weight problem stems for the comments my grandfather would make. I was the baby of 4 grandchildren and always the heaviest. It got so bad that my cousins began taunting me about it to. If only my parents would have said something. I know it would have been hard especially since he did the same thing to my mother all of her life.

So for your children's sake, stand up to her and tell her off. If she can't be nice, don't visit.

This will be short and to the point. WE teach people how to treat us. IF we don't set boundaries people will at times walk all over us. They may not change to everyone BUT they will change to the people who put their foot down.
Susie

Since my MIL already hates me, my son and I would avoid visits. Before he left home (military) he would be "helping" me with cakes. Now I have a job that requires I work some weekends and if that's not an option, it's too hot, too cold, or whatever, and will cause trouble with my Multiple Sclerosis. All of these things are true. I don't like lying, so I have to have legitimate reasons for not visiting.

The couple of times that I did rip into her about things she said just made her worse and made my husband sad. He even refused to see them for about 6 months due to the things they said to him.

indydebi, I'm glad you have the guts to speak your mind. It just always seems to back fire when I try it.

Michele

Things like this burn me up! You don't tease a child like that. It is CRUEL. I developed an eating disorder at age 11 because my mother was always making comments to me, and I still don't feel comfortable about my body. Never will. Like Dr. Phil says, when you do things like this you are changing who they are. It's no different for boys, they feel insecure about their body image just like girls. Plus, at that age I think your body retains a little fat to gear up for the beginning of puberty. (That's just my non-medical observation.

If you haven't already, put a stop to her comments on your son's weight NOW. I was always "teased" (in agreement with IndyDebi, saying that's teasing is complete and utter bull$hit) about my weight when I was younger. I have a picture of a very skinny, healthy me at age fourteen, and I'm wearing a t-shirt that says "I'm not fat, I'm fluffy!" given to me by my father. My mother always predicted I would "be huge" when I grew up if I ate that popsicle or cupcake. And guess, what, I am overweight and have been battling it since I was 19 years old. Put a stop to it RIGHT NOW.

Lisa-
please don't let her get away with this - you have no idea how hard your son could take it!
I had to tell my oldest that when he started getting taller, the weight would spread out over his frame more, so he had to be sure to watch what he ate and the weight wouldnt be such a problem. He told me later that this is the only thing that gave him any hope, especially since his dad kept teasing him 'lovingly' about his weight (we are divorced, if he had done it in front of me I could have saved my attorney fees and just hid the body!) To this day, he still watches every bite of food he puts into his mouth, and worries about his weight as much as my daughters do. I still worry about him developing an eating disorder! His younger brother is going through the same thing now, he's 14 and won't ever go without a shirt (even swimming) because of his 'moobs'! Their self esteem is so fragile at that age, 'keeping the peace' with MIL just isn't worth that price! (Tell DH to man up here, he can hide a tattoo, DS can't hide his weight)
She can be loving without being degrading, and if she can't, out the door with her big mouth!
I don't mean to come on too strong here, but this is very personal to me,and it just sounds like she has already done enough 'helping' you and your son to lose weight, and made a difficult situation even more difficult.
I would also say to talk to your son about whether or not he would like to be present when you confront MIL. Tell him you have no intention of letting her continue to discuss his weight (even though she's 'joking'), and let him decide if he wants to be there. He might want to see her put in her place, but remember, you have no idea what else might come flying out of her mouth when you have this chat - you might not want Nick to hear it! (My youngest is a Nick too, another reason I take it so personal)

I wish you luck- and tell Nick to hang in there!

What I tried to teach my sons was that not everything everyone says is true, accurate or even relevant (in their best interest).

(And that some people are living in a different reality than we are.....)

Here's one of our favorite poems:

Desiderata

Go placidly amid the noise and haste,
and remember what peace there may be in silence.
As far as possible without surrender
be on good terms with all persons.
Speak your truth quietly and clearly;
and listen to others,
even the dull and the ignorant;
they too have their story.

Avoid loud and aggressive persons,
they are vexations to the spirit.
If you compare yourself with others,
you may become vain and bitter;
for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.
Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans.

Keep interested in your own career, however humble;
it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.
Exercise caution in your business affairs;
for the world is full of trickery.
But let this not blind you to what virtue there is;
many persons strive for high ideals;
and everywhere life is full of heroism.

Be yourself.
Especially, do not feign affection.
Neither be cynical about love;
for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment
it is as perennial as the grass.

Take kindly the counsel of the years,
gracefully surrendering the things of youth.
Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune.
But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings.
Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.
Beyond a wholesome discipline,
be gentle with yourself.

You are a child of the universe,
no less than the trees and the stars;
you have a right to be here.
And whether or not it is clear to you,
no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.

Therefore be at peace with God,
whatever you conceive Him to be,
and whatever your labors and aspirations,
in the noisy confusion of life keep peace with your soul.

With all its sham, drudgery, and broken dreams,
it is still a beautiful world.
Be cheerful.
Strive to be happy.

Max Ehrmann, Desiderata, Copyright 1952.

First of all...Indydebi....that SpongeBob think is killing me. I think I peed my pants.



But to the serious point of the matter, it is obvious that everyone knows that she is a hateful wench. What is important is how it is affecting your family. You need to talk with Nick and tell him that when people do things like she is doing it is to make them feel better about something that is wrong with them. Perhaps the two of you can come up with an exercise plan to make him feel better about his weight and some cute come-backs to help him with his grandmother. I would talk to her privately and tell her that negative comments towards your children are not welcome in your home (whether they be body related or not). Once she has been warned, hold her to it even if it means that you have to ask her to leave your home. It will be an uncomfortable situation, but what is important is that your kids see you taking up for them in an appropriate adult way.

Mommy Debbi YOu are so right with everything you say....I stood up to my MIL and guess what??? She doesn't call the house anymore WOOO HOOOO!!!! She doesn't ask for cakes anymore....and she doesn't seem to be talking about me badly behind my back (she has sent several to me for cakes) BUT.....she was a terror...she told me I wasn't any good at decorating cakes and to just give it up....I was wasting my DH's money !!!! I got some very good advice on CC and stood up for what I believed was the truth and she backed down...so much to where she just calls dh on his cell phone in the mornings before he goes to work. DH doesn't care either he says if he don't like you then she doesn't like me either...YOU and my kids are my first priority....That's all and wonderful but if you dont have a supportive DH like I do it can be rough... At first my DH didn't believe that she said all this stuff to me ...he never heard it...till we had a round at her house....She never once came to say her condolenses (sp?) when my father died and I will never turn to her for ANYTHING again! She is a very vain, domineering lady that will NEVER get the point so....sounds like you have the same problem with yours....stand up for yourself and your family...we are their protectors! Good luck to you and hey your doing a fine job with your son...he will get more active and lose the weight...Mine had a opposite problem..he was borderline anorexic because of the sports he is in he thought he had to be just muscle and nothing else...it didn't work..and he started this when he first turned 12 .

Thank you so very much for all the kind words and the helpful insight. I talked again to my husband, and told him point blank that I will not allow her to talk to our kids like that anymore. I will confront her on everything, and he can stick by me or be a wuss-it was up to him. But that his kids would see his choices. He and I are high school sweethearts, married 16 years, and I think I know him pretty well. My guess is, if I pipe up he will follow me. He has already told me he is working out some scenarios in his head for how he can tell her to shut the he** up in a way that will make her listen. MIL really acts this way in all aspects of her life...when we all flew out to visit her sister on the east coast a few years ago, I noticed that everything that MIL said was like she was in some sort of competition with her sister, whether it was weight, clothing, houses, work...whatever. It really annoyed me (and her sister, too).

Also, I did talk to Nick. He tried to say his feelings werent hurt but we all know that is bulls***. I explained to him that she was WAY out of line and very unkind, and that it is NEVER okay to comment on bodies. I also told him that I understood that he was unhappy with his body right now, but that he was already doing good things to correct the situation, and that his growth was going to take care of some of it. And that, for the rest of his life, no matter what he looked like it will never change the person that he is inside. Whether he carries extra weight, or loses an arm, or grows a third nipple or whatever, it wont change the fact that he is a funny kid, and he is smart, and a good bike rider, a recommended black belt, student body president, a great friend, a kind person, yada yada. I hope he got it.

I LOVE the observation that DH can hide a tattoo, but son can't hide his weight. I will bring that up to DH.

Dang, she is just so irritating. One other thing that day that ticked me off...just another example of her competitive ways...DH recently lost about 20 pounds. He had put on some weight and was having issues with heartburn, energy, etc. So he started being very careful with what he ate, and exercising more (which he has always loved to do). The difference in him is very noticeable. He looks great. She did not make ONE comment. She commented last year on his "love handles", but NOTHING on his recent loss. When she started talking about how great her cholesteral count was, I mentioned that DH's had gone down, and of course she had to have the numbers. DH couldn't remember, but he did tell her it was "over 100" (that it had dropped). Her only comment was "huh".

So basically if you look good, you get no comments at all, if you look "fat" in any way, it gets commented on. Which explains whe she said NOTHING to me when I was younger and weighed 110 (I am 5'3") , but always makes "helpful" comments on lighter cooking and exercise to me now (when I am pushing 170). What she doesn't know is that to be 110, I had to eat NOTHING. As in, I simply stopped eating. I ate popcorn and water. People now look at those pics and tell me I looked sick. I kind of did.

Well, one day I will be in good shape again, and so will DS, but she will always be stupid.

Reminds me of the "cheek pinchers". You know the one's you see pulling up in your drive and you shudder? My Grandfather was that way. Now he's dead and all we have is memories of him calling us names like. . .My oldest sister was "Goodyear", I'm gonna tie a string to your ankle and rent you out for football games, she struggled with weight her whole life. Tits LaRue, was my name which made me feel like crawling in a hole. I was repulsed by this he was my Grandfather and saying things like that about my breats? GROSSSSSSSSS! I didn't want a thing to do with him! He was an alcoholic and thought these things were so funny and they weren't they we're hurtful not to mention some of them were disgusting. When my Aunt who raised me finally figured out who he was calling those names she crawled a mile up his a$$. The name calling stopped and he just resorted to being a mean old drunk.
I would say something that was tactful but to the point! something like. . .I know you do and say these things because you think it's all in good fun but the fact of the matter is, it is far from funny, it's hurtful. I would appreciate you not making comments about my children's weight or appearence. It's enough that children may get teased from their peers! The last thing they need is to be made to feel badly by their family.
My FIL has said a couple things that I found rude and distasteful (are you on his bank account yet? Cause we know that's what you're after. Hahahaha) and I called him out on it. My DH was blinking and chewing his lip. I told DH to grow a set!
I would never be rude or disrespectful to my or dh's parents but as an adult I expect the same from them, bottomline! Being a kid is tough. I wouldn't do it again! It's enough that they may get teased by their peers but their family??? Unacceptable. I'll come slap her for you, some sense into her that is!

Elle

Sounds like you handled it very well. Just hope Nick takes after you, and I think he'll do fine!

When I first started dating my now-husband, his father had just come back to the family after a period of seperation.
He walked in one night and said "How you going AXXholes" (which he thought was quite funny"...no one else commented but I could feel hubby's hackles rise. So I retorted " We're fine Prick-face".

Hubby nearly died and so did my now MIL, but darn it my FIL has ever since held the utmost respect for me above the rest of the family!
I come from a family of very stiff backbones, so I say it like it is.
My hubby says that my MIL is scared of me, but I say it's a healthy fear!

Lisa- I am literally in tears. I feel very much for you and your son. I have had the same thing happen to me...in fact, I'm wondering if your MIL and mine aren't the same person?! I'll get to my story in a minute, but I wanted to say that the words you used to comfort your son were wonderful and that's why I am in tears. It's so important that our children feel safe in their home and that they know they are loved regardless of how they look...beauty is from the inside. We are all the way God made us.

A year ago I had to have my gallbladder removed and could not carry the baby for two weeks which means we had to have help during the day. First my mom came, then my dad and stepmom, finally MIL. One day we were in the living room and she told my son (he was almost 5) that he needed to go on a diet (WTH?!) He told her his doctor said he can't have diet (as in diet foods, we don't allow artificial sweeteners per dr advice) to which she replied "then you need to eat more healthy food and less of it". I didn't know what to do or say. Just sat there dumbfounded. Should have stood up right then and there! Regret that I didn't. I just said God made us all different and I think all of my children are perfect. I told hubby when he came home from work and we both talked to our son telling him Grandma didn't have a right to be rude and that his weight was/is not an issue. He said okay, but I know it bothered him. He is a big boy, but his height to weight ratio is okay with the doctor. A little history...son used to be a skinny minny (as are his younger sister and brother). However, he has asthma and the older he gets the worse his asthma gets. Worsing asthma means increasing steriods. Steriods will not only make you gain weight, but they increase your appetite to the point where you always feel hungry. He can't help that. However, he is very aware of healthy eating and makes wonderful choices (esp for a 5 year old). He doesn't snack excessively and treats are kept to a minimum. I'm more concerned about his asthma and ensuring he can breath than a few extra pounds!!

And you know what?! Like your hubby, mine also lost weight...probably about 30 pounds and what did MIL say? You guessed it....absolutely nothing! Whatever!!

By the way, my husband has been chunky his whole life...take a look at his pictures growing up and he was big. Why didn't MIL put him on a diet...eating healthy foods and less of them? Whatever!! I wonder if she was that cruel to DH when he was growing up?! I should ask...she wasn't nice about other things....wouldn't surprise to find out she was cruel in this way as well!

Thanks for listening to me vent! When I read your post I felt the anger boil in me all over again! I truly feel for you and your son. He did not deserve that!! Jodie

When my son was in 7th grade he started putting on weight. He was short for his age and we had just found out he had a medical problem that would not allow much exercise. Well, you would not believe how many aunts on both sides of the family would make comments to him at family gatherings about his weight. It comes at him out of no where at functions. I could not believe how rude some people are and what gives them the right to comment on anyone's weight. I finally said to my dh's aunt, "If you make anymore remarks about his weight, you will not be welcomed in my house, because I do not tolerate child abuse." She tried to say she was giving constructive criticism and was not trying to be mean. I told her that he had medical issues that he was dealing with and she was only causing him pain. I then told her that if she was so worried about someone's health then I thought she should not be smoking. I guess she thought about what I told her, because she never called him overweight again and she quit smoking. She then showed me respect for telling her what she needed to here. Two years later, my son grew a couple of inches, was allowed to join marching band and lost all his extra weight. As far as his other aunt and her comments, she now has a son and has been extremely overweight for the last 5 years. I guess what goes around, comes around. Your son has enough peer pressure to deal with and he needs all the support he can get. Keep only positive people around him and tell hubby, he is a grown man and doesn't need to hide behind your skirt. He should speak up for himself and you and your son and daughter. Tell, MIL, she has already run off one grandchild, your daughter, is she trying for two.