When/should I Cut My Mom Loose?? Really, Really Long!!
Lounge By sugartopped Updated 17 Aug 2006 , 4:56am by cakearoni
Ok, let me first start off by sayingI LOVE MY MOTHER!!! Now heres the situation..my mom divorced my stepfather of 17 years about 4 years ago. I had my son 2 ½ yrs ago. At the time my mother lived in Missouri, worked a dead end factory job and after working there for 15 years she was only making $11/hr!! YEAH I KNOWINSANEso you can tell this job was taking her NOWHERE!! My mom had me at 15, so she is still young!! She has solely provided for both me and my brother and my useless stepfather (he didnt work!!) and we have never went without anything. And Im sure I dont know half the sacrifices she has made for me throughout my 26yrs.including picking up her life and moving to Florida and starting over from scratch after 43 yrs!!!
But anyway, after I had my son she started talking about moving to Florida!! Yes, first grandchild for her!! So we talked about it and we (me, husband, and mother) decided to help her move to Florida w/us. She would live with us and she would watch our son (yes she got paid) until she got her GED and was able to find a steady job. She has lived w/us rent, utility, food FREE since she moved down here in March of 2004. She stopped watching my son last summer after she met ANOTHER loser boyfriend. In addition to my son, she was watching 3 other children (all my friends kids)so she was making pretty good money and was even talking about going to school and getting certified. Well she met this loser and he didnt like her watching my son and my friends kids b/c she couldnt pick up HIS son from school at 2pm. So she quit watching all our kids and took a crap PT evening job at a retail store (that is another LONG storybut basically hes a loser!!). She recently found another factory job.but the pay is betterafter 90 days it will be ~$17-$25/hrso not bad for this area. And so far she seems to like it and her grace period (90days) is almost over. And the best part.her boyfriend is POd b/c of the swing hours!! 
Now the problem..In addition to living w/us for free, my husband and I have been paying a lot of her other bills.car insurance, a bank loan, storage feeand whatever bill she cant make the payment for that month. So far its been fine, but my husband and I are starting to feel the money pinch!! Especially since we are trying to get my business going!! And Im trying to quit my current Full-Time job b/c I hate it (its a government jobnuff said) and go to a Part-time job or not work at all. If I did this.there is NO WAY we could continue to help my mother financially anymore!! Wed hope once she got off the grace period and got the full $17-$25/hr pay shed be finebut we just found out she is A LOT worse off then we thought. She didnt have a credit card until she moved down hereI have no idea why she got one..twothree, plus department store cards.but her dumbass boyfriend told her she didnt have to make the full payment amount on those and as along she made something they wouldnt bother her. OHMYGOD!! Shes been sending them $10 a month and cant figure out why they keep calling 10xs a freaking day. YES, he is an idiot and actually meant she didnt have to pay the full amount dueNOT she didnt have to pay the full balance. So she is screwed right now and is only staying above water b/c of my husband and me.
So we are getting stressedfinancially and mentally.weve never fought about money or anything reallybut right now.we try NOT to talk to each other b/c well end up fighting about my mom and money!!
I recognize how much my mom has sacrificed for me and I feel responsible for her current situation. Even though it was a joint decisionI did want her to move down here and watch my son and just to have my mommy close to me again. 
I just cant seem to say.youve had 2yrs to get on track and your worse off now then you were and we just cant support you anymore..what my husband would like me to say anyway. Now he doesnt care anything about her living w/ushe just doesnt want to pay her bills anymore. I have expressed my very strong dislike for her boyfriend...but not much I can do about that!!
Just not sure what to do.....I know she would understand the situation...but she can't just make $$ appear to help her out of her current situation. And I just can't NOT help her!! But we are all miserable right now!! And the only reason I'm working is to make sure we have enough money to cover my mother's expenses!! AND I HATE/LOATH MY JOB!!
i'm just at a loss on this one!!
You are not helping her become independant if you keep carrying her debt. You have to sit down with her, and tell her exactly what you are willing to do. Make clear that you love her, but your life is not your own as long as you are paying for her.
Make a list of what you are willing to do, and what you can no longer do. She could also contact a debt counselor to help her get her bills in order.
make closing the credit card accounts a condition of continuing to help.
leave the boyfriend out of it, if you can. this is really between you and your mother.
She will probably get mad, but remember you are NOT responsible for her. She has a decent job, she should be financially responsible.
You have to be strong for her as well as consider the welfare of your family. Your husband and child are your first priority. Good Luck.
You are not helping her become independant if you keep carrying her debt. You have to sit down with her, and tell her exactly what you are willing to do. Make clear that you love her, but your life is not your own as long as you are paying for her.
Make a list of what you are willing to do, and what you can no longer do. She could also contact a debt counselor to help her get her bills in order.
make closing the credit card accounts a condition of continuing to help.
leave the boyfriend out of it, if you can. this is really between you and your mother.
She will probably get mad, but remember you are NOT responsible for her. She has a decent job, she should be financially responsible.
You have to be strong for her as well as consider the welfare of your family. Your husband and child are your first priority. Good Luck.
I could not have said it any better. It's called "tough love" for a reason. You have done a lot to help out your mom and you should let her know that you'll always help her out whenever / however you can but that when it gets to the point where it's impacting your marriage and your family then you know it's too much. She's your mom . . . she wouldn't want that for you.
Regardless of how old she was she had you, who is the parent here? At 43 years old, even without education, she whould have enough life experience to understand how things work, even on credit cards!
Look, you can steer her in the right direction, but you can't make her do what is right. You had an agreement that if she moved down to Florida she was expected to do A, B, and C to receive the benefits of 1, 2, and 3. Clearly, she is not living up the her part of the agreement and you need to let her know that you can't rescue her from her situation this time. If she's so dead set about listening to Mr. DuMass, then tell her to make Mr. DuMass her supporting partner, not you and your husband.
As much as I hate to say it, your priority is now your husband and family. Mom needs to be on her own!
JoAnnB and debsuewoo said it best. Things like this will never change on her end so you must change on your end. I just found out that my cousin, who like you and your husband is hard-working, was in debt for over $46,000 because of his mom and step-dad. Yes that's $46,000!!! The amount that he was "helping" them got out of hand and they just kept putting pressure and guilt on him to continue to help them and expected more than he could really provide. He and his wife had to file for bankruptcy! It has put way too much pressure on his business and his marriage. Don't let it get to that point. Find the names of reputable credit counselors and like was said decide what you can and can not do before you have a talk with her and stick with it. It's one thing for someone to live with you but to pay their bills too is too much imho! I'll be thinking about you and be strong!
I know you love your mother, but you are not responsible for her. Her life choices got her into this mess and I would hate for your family to suffer trying to help her. She's a big girl and can take care of herself, she should not be your responsibility yet.
I know this may not be easy to hear but you have got to sit her down and let her know that what she is doing is putting a very big strain on your marriage. I understand that she has sacrificed a lot for you but you should not have to possibly sacrifice your marriage because of her. While I know that you probably already know this, make sure you think of your son first in all your decisions and sounds like you and your husband not talking because of the situation with your mother, is not in your son's best interest. Mothers can sure be a pain if you let them. Believe me, I know! My DH's mom would nickel and dime us to death if we let her. We drew the line on her earlier this year and we all get along much better because she knows when to cross our boundries and when not to. Just pray about it and hopefully God will help you with this very trying situation. Good luck and God Bless!!
Thanks everyone for you advice!! I have a really great opportunity to quit my current job (which I hate and is a MAJOR source of stress for me) and take a parttime job that I'll be soooo much happier at....but I'm having a really hard time b/c it would leave my mom in a very bad situation. I know it is her fault for getting to this point...but she is my mom and I love her and it is just hard to realize that I'll be extremely happy and even taking a HUGE paycut....be financially stable!! While my mom is going to be struggling!!
I'm hoping she can pull her crap together w/this new job!! I guess it's also hard b/c my mom has always been my rock.......always pulled my sorry butt out of tough situations.....and she is the reason I'm where I'm at and have what I have.....and I feel like now she needs me...but I'm letting her down b/c I can't help her now.
But I have to decide something fairly quick b/c the other job offer isn't going to be around for long!!
thanks again!!
It sounds to me like your mother is going through the teenage years she never had, not that it excuses her.
Just remember one thing when you start feeling bad: we all make sacrafices for our children, it's a parents job and the child isn't obligated to pay them back.
Don't let the things your mother did for you make you feel that you have to support her for the rest of your life. When she is way older and needs special care is the time when she's going to most need you.
I think the situation is far from hopeless because:
a) your mother has a good job with income potential
b) your mother obviously knows how to work
I would keep the mother, but let her know that no money will pass from your pocketbook to hers. Though, I would tell her to drop the boyfriend or she is out. You don't need that bad example for your children-and she needs someone to support like she needs a hole in the head.
It could be the reason she gave up responsibility for herself is because you and your DH took it on. She is still young, she could pick up a second part time job till she gets her debt under control. But she is definitely going to have to pull herself up by her own boot straps on this one.
Whatever you and your husband decide to do with your family and your income should not be dependant upon your mother and her situation. --Your money is your own and she has no claim on it.
You are a sweet daughter, you will continue to be even if you tell your mother what you feel and what if anything you are able or willing to do for her.
It sounds like your relationship with your mother is still intact, but your relationship with your hubby may be starting to strain. Your DH must be great to have done so much for your mother. But he is the logical one saying enough is enough. You owe it to him, yourself and your son to take care of your immediate family first.
Hope you reach a happy place soon.
You know what - I have a home with a mortgage, a car payment and two credit cards, a child in daycare, a husband and a dog to take care of. I would absolutely kill for a job that pays me $17 an hour, but I'm doing fine without one. If your mom can't make a life for herself on that paycheck, there has got to be something else going on that you're not aware of. Others here have given great advice, and I'm going to add one more suggestion. Have your mom write out her budget, what her income is and where that money is going every month. I would tell her that you can't help her financially any more but you can help her get on her feet in other ways.
This is quite a role reversal you're in. Your mom will have to realize that since she's basically expecting you to take care of her, you will be doing it your way since in this situation you are now the parent and it will be your way or the highway.
I wish you luck and will say a prayer for you!
I think the major problem is Mr. DuMass. He is giving her extremely bad advice and she is taking it. Mom needs to be seated and told that she is not living up to her end of the bargain. You are her daughter. She didn't have to bring you into the world, but she chose to (kudos to her!) and took on that responsability. Once you hit legal age and got your own life, that responsability ended and her life became her own. Allowing her to guilt you into doing what she should be doing is not doing you, your husband, and your child any good. What is your child seeing as he grows up and sees how Grandma can get her way just by making poor choices in life? He'll probably think that he can make poor choices and Mom and Dad will always bail him without consequence. The sooner you draw the line, the better.
I agree wholeheartedly with everything everyone said.
It IS called tough love and you can't let the fact that she had you at a young age and helped you all these years make you responsible for her adult choices.
I feel like I'm looking in the mirror there-similar situation with my mom. Her second time around with a credit card after declaring bankruptcy and she's already long in over her head, and a couple of the people in our family seem to feel obliged or sorry or something and enable her problem??? God that irritates me to no end lol (her addiction isnt drugs, it's health food store supplements/cleansing products- none of which she needs as she eats all organic food and like a bird to boot- nothing on her that requires cleansing lol)- poing being you don't give a drug addict cash to buy groceries because they rpobably do have good intentions- and asked for money for groceries (because they blew all their cheque on drugs) - because they wouldnt intentionally connive you (necessarily) into throwing cash their way and then going to use it for drugs instead.
Anyway, you are not helping her. It's hard, I know the drill with members of my family feeling guilty for not helping out my mom when she comes up short for groceries. She's a grownup- if she has debt issues or psychological issues that allow her to make those choices that put her in the situation (like racking up bad b/f number 2 who is causing her to create stress for you) then she needs to go get professional help. And the best way you can help her is by sitting down and saying, for one thing as mentioned already. Ok we had a deal, you're not living up to it. This is not working, in order for it to work and for me to continue helping you out, you're going to do this by OUR rules, since we are helping you out.
FIRST AND FOREMOST RULE NUMBER ONE: lose lose lose lose lose ALL THE CREDIT CARDS. Mom, you want my help, we're sitting down and cutting up all your credit cards. After we do that, we take you down to a debt counsellor and work out your financial situation.
Despite how you feel what you owe her for all she's done for you, you don't owe her putting YOUR life on hold and also on hold deleting the stressors from your life (like your gov't job). Living your life in major stress is the other thing that is not helping her either. And most importantly it's not helping you, OR teaching the kids how important it is to be responsible for ones own actions.
Good luck- I really really do sympathise and empathise as this is an ongoing battle with my mother (maybe she thinks she's done her time, she has the right at 69 to be totally irresponsible with money, I dont know- more and more I wonder whether I'm even a spawn of the woman 
)
I agree with what has already been said with one thing to add. You said yourself she made it through tough times when you were young.... so she knows how to do it and how the world works. However as long as you are doing it for her ... why should she do it for herself. It's not an obligation you should take on. She knows how... now kick her in the butt and let her do it. Current situation is not only bad for you it is bad for her as well.
Ok thats my 2 cents!!!!!
Good luck and may God bless.
I agree completely with everything said: you arent helping by enabling, credit cards should go, credit card counseling would be a great idea and it isnt your job to raise your mother. -- let go of the guilt
One more thing though. She needs couseling. She is drawn to men who are bad for her and making poor judgments (giving up family to watch his kids etc) I wouldnt be surprised if her self esteem is very low and she obviously has a problem with responsibility.
Some counselors work on sliding scales depending on income level I encourage you to find one and give the recomendation to her--even if its under the guise of talking to them about other issues she wouldnt consider 'hot buttons'
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