How Do You Revive A Stale Relationship?
Lounge By berryblondeboys Updated 9 Jun 2007 , 1:34am by shelbur10
DH and I have had a rough couple years since DS#2 was born. I understand it - I wasn't getting any sleep, money has been really tight, I regained teh weight I had lost and just busy with baby and kid stuff.
"I" am back to feeling more optimistic now that I'm getting sleep! But DH is still soooooo cool. He's cordial and such, but he doesn't touch me, doesn't kiss me and when I said, "I love you" the other day, he smiled a "I can't say that back to you" smile. It's been very hurtful, but I understand it - he wouds deeply and needs things to improve to "get over it".
I know my weight bothers him, but for most of our marriage I've been my current size. EVERY TIME I drop, I get to the point where I can't keep it off and get back to where I started - I know my DH doesn't understand that and it frustrates him, but the more I read, the more I hear, the more I realize that thin I will never be... I'll just shoot for better than I am now and try to stick with that... but... it shouldn't be a deal killer now if it hasn't ever been in the past.
Money is soooo tight and I know this is stressing him out big time, so that should improve once I'm working (and I've started sending out resumes)...
but this lack of ALLLLLLLL affection really, really worries me. When I tried to bring it up a couple weeks ago, I got the panicked look. Like, "OMG, she's going to ask me why and I don't want to talk about it!"
Last night we went out on a date for the secodn time in two year. It was so nice, but again, no touching and once we got home, I went to bed and he went to the computer... not a good thing!!!!
Besides being patient and helping things to improve financially (and trying with my weight) what more can I do?
melissa
well honestly I think the best thing would be to talk about it .. tell him when the time is appropriate, not while bills are being paid, or when kids are running through like mad dogs, but when you have time .. maybe before the both of you go to bed .. that you are feeling this way and you want to know how he is feeling and then maybe you can decided at that point what to do ... maybe counseling? even through your church if you have one .. it shouldn't cost you anything or much if at all ... but talking about it will definately loosen the tension ... good luck with everything ...
Couple counseling isn't an option. He would NEVER go for it -ever. I don't know why, but he's been quite clear before that he thinks it's useless and that it's just a way for the woman to b($#* and moan about a husband and to get someone to agree with her... Nice, huh? Doesn't help that his Mom and his stepdad are/were psychiatrists!!!
Melissa
well not sure if this will help but the other day i wrote mine a note. i said that the no sex thing has got to stop. i said that if we aren't going to have any lovemaking that he could sleep on the couch and that if that is what he chose, then he needs to move out. we are a team. and we both need to try. not just one of us. a marriage is made up of give and take on both parts. and that we need to reconnect or we won't have a marriage. and some other stuff too. but when i got home from work. i got me some and have since. hope this helps. but just in case you need to prepare yourself if the answer isn't what you want to here. but you also need to realize that woman can't change there bodies, and there heredity. not everyone is meant to be stick thin. thats how it is. and love doesn't stop at size 4,6, or 8. good luck.
No talkie-talkie! If you want to make a change, next time the kids are in bed and he gets on the computer, get naked and slide between him and the keyboard. If he is usually the one to initiate sex, he'll really appreciate it. You've got to find that inner dirty girl and let her out! He'll be so caught off guard that he'll have a hard time keeping his hands off you.
Well... DH is not like that... I have had to initiate probably 90% of the time for the last 5 years and I have been turned down way too many times. When he gets focused on "other" things, he will say, "Sorry, I'm just not in the mood". He is so "unmale" in that respect.
Melissa
Sometimes men go through this after a child is born. He sees you as the 'mother of his children' now instead of his 'sexy wife'. The thought of having sex with someones mother is disturbing to some men. Also if he witnessed a vaginal delivery or if you nursed, all of the sudden the things he found desirable are beng used for the baby. If this is the case, it will get better if you are willing to listen to him about it and be understanding.
Again, I don't know if this is the case with your DH, but it was the case with a friend of mine.
Also, I hate to say this, but you might want to find out what he's doing on the computer. (I don't know a good way to say this)...sometimes looking at naughty pictures is easier than the emotional ride that is envolved with being romantic with spouse. Not saying to offend!!! (Now I'm embarassed!!!)
Whatever it is, try to get him to talk to you, and try to be understanding. Best of luck!
You know, this might partially be true. He thinks I'm a good mother, but maybe that's what he THINKS of me - mother... not wife/lover.
And, I don't worry about what he's doing on the computer. He's into political sites and a competitive Jeopardy site. I'm sure when he's "randy" he might ocassionally look at something sexy, but that stuff would probably HELP us... he just gets so intellectual with the brain in full capacity, that he can't turn the brain off... I guess that's what I get for marrying a super duper smart guy... My only hope is to GET him before he starts talking politics!
Melissa
Melissa, I gotta tell you I am in the same boat with my dh... maybe worse... Since our dd was born we have had it ONCE - on her first birthday, and it was quick and then get away kinda thing - like he was only in a good mood cuz it was her b-day.
We have talked, argued, and I have initiated (and been rejected) too - it stems from not only the "mother" thing but also tension from financial worry (we also are tight since I stopped working to take care of dd when she got sick, he resents it as it was unplanned and I was the breadwinner) and just wear and tear on us over the years. I have even told him I don't know if I can do this much longer and asked if he still loves me, to which he always says "yes" and "don't be stupid", but how else to feel? We also can't do the counseling thing, tried it a few times but he basically said the same thing yours said to you and it just made things so much worse as we fought all the way home after every time.
I am sorry I don't have any words of wisdom, or I would follow them myself - but at least know you are not alone in this boat and that we all are here to support you. I have made the decision to do my own thing and raise my dd and enjoy my life and if he chooses to participate fine, if not so be it. If things don't improve after sometime, who knows, but for now that is what I'm doing.
No talkie-talkie! If you want to make a change, next time the kids are in bed and he gets on the computer, get naked and slide between him and the keyboard.
Oh I don't know. Tried that once. Came downstairs.... stood in front of him while he was watching TV .... dropped the towel .... standing there in all my glory .....
And he said ......
"MOVE!! You're blocking the fireplace! I can't see the fire!"
I burst out laughing and said, "Your wife is standing here naked and you can't see the fire!????? Well, I guess it's official! I've lost "it"!" Then I swatted him on the head with the towel!
Hubby is a stand up comedian and I told him this was great material to use. He said "I'm not using anything that makes ME look like the idiot!"
-----------------
But on a serious note, how about non-sexual contact? Do you know/remember how good a footrub feels? I LUV it when we're on the couch and I prop my legs on his lap and he just rubs my legs .... not a massage, just a gentle "petting" of my leg (although if I don't shave soon, "petting" will be the REAL description! 
). Maybe just those "no committment required" sessions will loosen him up.
I think this "other" contact is also key to getting things more normal. So, as much as I hate being the one to CONSTANTLY try, I know that if I want it to get better, it has to be me - not because he's mean, just because that's the way he is. I doubt he's even fully aware of how "asexual" we are... he's unaware of MOST things (gee and I wonder why my 10 year old is that way? LOL) he's so into his own world too and right now I've been carved out of that - probably not intentionally either. So, I do hold his hand when we got to walk. I'll touch him when I pass by. He never pushes that away, but I'm sure he doesn't realize that he doesn't do the same in kind.
I really bet that once money is less tight things will be a lot better. Lack of funds is the biggest marriage buster, did you know that? So funny too, we KNEW it would be tight for me to be home and he WANTED me to stay home for two years because that's what we felt was best for our baby/toddler, but the consequences for US were HUGE.
Melissa
Melissa. I do not have any advice, I am not married & I would not know what to do in your situation. I just wanted to give you a great big (((hug))) 
I have been following this thread since yesterday. I mentioned it to my husband and told him about saying I love you with no response. My husband looked at me like I was crazy? We have been married for seven years. We have been to therapy twice. I have spoke to several other wives and they have gone more than that. My husband is not the one to talk about issues but found it in himself to improve on our relationship. With that being said I don't think there is a ideal relationship. We still get snarky but we also have really got finances in check. We have one debt and that is the house...which is not much compared to others.
I am not sure if it is just a mind set but I truly have learned to live each day as full as I can. I think that when we see such sadness that others are feeling we can appreciate what we have. I cherish every detail of the day.
From what I have read you have answered your own questions. Until he is willing to open up and share it is a lost issue. People can emotionally check out and not even know it.
I am a Mom and I do not think that has had any change in how Sexy one can be. I would probably wither up if sex were considered a chore!
I also stayed at home for five years. Money was tight and we argued and got over it. I found that the stronger I made myself the more I felt appealing or had more self worth. I did not base this on what my husband thought but who I was as a whole. I am confident and when I want something I go for it. I am not defined by my husband by any means. Chin up and he will see what he is missing. Sorry so long but it baffles me that men think this behavior is Normal?
Thanks Moydear, I think you are right and glad you shared your experience with us as well. It is nice to know that you guys are working it out or dealing with it and that things eventually got a bit better.
Maybe we do need to do that, just continue work on improving ourselves and wait for them to rejoin the party when they see what they are missing.
I don't know about you other gals here, but I guess my own fear is he will never think he is missing anything and I will end up alone or still married but bitter. Mine has a rather big ego (at least towards me anyways) and so for him to ever admit missing anything is rather a longshot, but hope is all I've got, LOL...
The funny thing is that I have more guy friends. My husband calls them my "boyfriends". I don't consider myself a dish but have a funny odd side that cracks up all the guys I do know! My "real" job I talk to guys all day long. My favorites are the ones that wink.....winking will stop me from whatever I am doing just to SIGH and smile!
Nothing is perfect. But I can honestly say that I have never been more smitten! Everything has just washed away and we can joke and laugh. After all the crazy has been lifted we can truly enjoy being together.
I feel that when I made myself happy everything just fell into place. Not that I chose me over everything but finally found out that me was there all along!
well dear,
I think we all go through periods like this with our husbands, sometimes we check out sometimes its them. I have to say that the biggest thing that turned us around was one day when the boys were babies, hubby was being a real prick, I ended up in tears and told him flat out how much he means to me. Turned out he was feeling like he was playing second fiddle to the babies and was nothing more then a paycheck to me.
Don't know if this helps or not, but do tell him how you feel and don't forget to tell him how important he is to you.
Melissa,
I know I am not one of your "friends" on here, but I couldn't help but tell you my experience.
First, have you ever heard of The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman?
www.fivelovelanguages.com
The premise of the book (there is also a video if you are not a reader, I think that the whole kit was $40) is that everyone has a "love tank" and a love language. When your love tank (your feeling loved) is full, you are more able to give back.
The five languages are (not in any order) Physical touch, words of affirmation, gifts, quality time, acts of service.
There is a short quiz to determine what your and your dh language is. NOW, I KNOW this sounds hoky, but I have gone through this program and I ASSURE YOU that it works. Also, the REALLY, REALLY cool thing is that you both don't have to do it.
My love language is words of affirmation, so I love compliments, and things like that. I don't even have to get them from my DH to feel love. I can get them from friends, and the love shows, and I am in a better mood all around and able to take care of him and my family. If I am not feeling loved then it is really hard for me to give back. I feel drained and taken advantage of. For example, I made a cake for a friend and she ooo'ed and aaaww'ed forever and then called to tell me that everyone at the party ooo'ed and aaww'ed. I felt SO GOOD that the DH had some of the best physical touch that he has had in a while, and he wasn't even the one who gave me the words of affirmation.
DH's love language is Physical Touch. This does not necessarily mean sex. I can hold his hand in public or watching tv. Hugs, touch his shoulder when I walk by, rub his back...etc. When he is feeling loved, he will do anything for me, INCLUDING watch my daycare kids so I can do a cake 
.(I am here though) If he is NOT feeling love, we FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT. About EVERYTHING...l how long I was at the grocery store, how much money a cake cost, why did DS get ANOTHER pair of shoes...etc.
My point (finally) is that I can give him the things he needs and without him even knowing it...he returns the favor. I can serve him in this way becuase I love him. Sometimes I don't want to, and sometimes it is a chore. But I want to have a happy marriage, so I do it. When I forget, it sucks.
I know that you are probably thinking...why should I have to do the work, we are BOTH in this marriage. Well...do you want to be right or do you want to be married? You do have a choice.
LAST thing. It is not typical for a man to want sex. They are hard wired by God to want that. I do not think that it is you AT ALL. I think that perhaps there is a medical reason. Has he had a physical lately? Maybe he is suffering from depression? I saw another thread about your son... maybe he is worried about that AND money and needs some help for a little while... maybe his thyroid is out of whack?
I do know what you are going through, and this love languages thing helps a lot. We survived an affair with the help of the program. We went to 2 counseling session, and it didn't work. We tried love lang. and it TOTALLY helped us. 5 years after HIS affair, he is totaly devoted to me and our family. He is a stronger man, husband and Christian than I ever thought possible of him. As a direct result of his improved self esteem from feeling loved... he was able to perform better at work and got a promotion and a raise. I believe God healed my marriage, and I believe he can heal yours.
SOrry to be so long winded, but marriage is my passion. I will pray for you.
-Paula
How much have things changes from when you first got married? Has he always been somewhat like this or has it been a complete turn around?
That being said, I'll give you another thing to consider about what happened to me. A few weeks ago I found emails on my hubby's account from a girl I didn't know. At first I thought it was somebody he met on a running forum, something he took up about a year ago. But, I quickly found out otherwise. There were some kind of plain emails like he would talk to anyone, but with a more flirtatious tone to it and then there were some obviously inappropriate emails. And the emails I found dated back to 2005. I confronted him and found out he's been emailing, iming, having cyber sex and some phone sex with this woman for 6 years (we'll be married 12 this fall). I was devastated. So while he never physically cheated on me, he still cheated on me as far as I'm concerned. He started talking to this woman when we were having money trouble and it went from there.
The thing is I never really noticed anything different in our relationship. He was still affectionate towards me and I thought we had a good marriage. I'm good at noticing things and always try talking to him when I think he's troubled. But, I never saw this coming. So your hubby may not be doing this, but I had a couple of points. If he's worried about things you don't want him turning elsewhere for help. You need to talk to him and let him know what's troubling you. You need to let him know he needs to recommit to the marriage. Let him know what you want. Guys are dense sometimes and don't realize that when we say i love you they need to say it back!
If you have trouble talking to him, write him a letter or send him an email. Find a way to communicate with him. If you have to, go to counseling on your own. But, he needs to know that part of marriage is all these things that you're missing and he needs to make the effort to put those things bavk in place.
Hubby and I are trying hard to recommit to each other. We're trying to put the effort forth to make sure each of us feels valued. We're talking more now than we ever have. But even though this was totally his fault, it's made me realize all the things that I take for granted in our relationship. I hope you can do the same in yours and I wish you the best of luck!
Thanks everyone for all your words of wisdom. I KNOW there is nothing going on now, but I also know that when things are troubled at home is when the marriage is more vulnerable to the wandering eye - for BOTH parties - men or women. I don't want it to go there.
Have we had this problem before in our relationship? Yes, when our first child was between one year and two years and it got better shortly after that. That was actually worse than this and we were both thinking divorce though never voiced it... We had a 1 year old, I was in a job that took me WAY far away and a long commute and it was mind numbing horrible, we were getting sick nonstop from the daycare bringing stuff to us, we had moved 1/2 way across the country, had cut our income in half, DH had started a PhD program and a VERY rigorous one and his Mom was moving to the US and needed to buy a home and everythign that went with it and wouldn't do ANYTHING for herself... That time was HORRIBLE... and we have either his aunt, my mom or his mom with us in our tiny apt. for 9 months of the year too... NOT GOOD.
I know for both of us (we've talked about it) we feel that if we got through that, then we can get through about anything. How ironic that we had the worst time AGAIN from birth to two years old. it's actually been getting BETTER, but I know that getting our financial situation better will probably be the big "uplifter". We aren't in any debt besides our mortgage, but we are SOOOO close to getting in debt that ANYTHING extra will put us over - ANYTHING...
What's funny is that since I wrote about this I've noticed DH being more attentive and actually seeming to want to spend more time with me, so I think my extra touches and extra "love" is beginining to take effect - I hope!
Melissa
or maybe he read your post?
My DH reads some of the attachments that come to the email because he thinks we are funny. He can't believe that I am THAT addicted to the web site. LOL.
No, we are very respectful of not reading eachother's emails. we have different 'sides' of the computer and switch sides. I think he enjoyed the date on Saturday and that our house is FINALLY getting together and that our youngest is FINALLY letting me sleep (so I'm happier and so things are getting done around the house) and so on... life is improving.... little by little... money is the last biggee to improve.
Melissa
A person does not have to read emails to know where a post is. You can click on the history and it will show every site that has been visited with a link to the to anything you have veiwed.
Glad to hear things are better!
Not saying he COULDN"T find a way to read what I write or go to, but he doesn't - I don't do it to him EVER and he doesn't to me EVER. I don't open his mail either and he doesn't open mine. I may be able to question a LOT of things about my spouse, but respecting personal boundaries and being trustworthy and HONEST is TOPS with him - more than ANYONE I know - more than me, I'm afraid!
Melissa
Ok, here what I did but heres a little insight to my situation....
I have 4 kids, Im 35, & he is 38. Our relationship has been a mess from the get go due to exes & kids already in the mix. We have been married for 13 yrs this July 6th!
Can I just say this....DATES ALONE, DATES ALONE, DATES ALONE have truely helped us in the past 4 months. My oldest is almost 16 & youngest is 2. Just recently my hubby & I have VOWED we are going to make this work, regardless. So now at least once a month we go out on a date, just him & I, no cell phones, no nothing. I have no family here to watch the kids, & his mom rarely has time to call the kids, let alone watch them. So we have decided that the kids are old enough to give us at elast 1 night out alone to do whatever we want. Hubby & I usually wait until 10 pm to go out to WalMart just to walk around to get a little peace away from the kids, but then again, SOMETIMES we have the little one with us because he is a night owl. But I will tell you this, since we have been MAKING it a point to spend a night out here & there, things are MUCH better for us. We have 1 income coming in right now, rent, 2 car payments, ins., & then your normal house bills & food to go along with it, so we CERTAINLY know what being financially straped is all about! Weather we go walk the Mall, or go to Taco Bell & just talk, we make it a point to go out just by ourselves for at least 3 hours alone once a month! We like to go so going isnt a problem for us, but I tell you what.....It sure has brought the FLAMES back to the Fire Place for us...lol It is me who tends to let stress be the "NOT IN THE MOOD HUNNY" excuse. I truely hate feeling like this but being the sole House Runner, it tends to wear you down. So I know how it is. DONT give up, keep trying! If at all possible, do the date thing & see how it goes. I will swear to it every day of the week. I forgot just how much my hubby really cares & loves me even tho he DOES show it NON-STOP! Some say he is such a spoiler but to me, he was just my hubby. Now, I truely apprciate him & see things in a much different light.
So please, make time for just the 2 of you to go out, somewhere, anywhere the kids arent! It doesnt have to be somewhere expensive, believe me, we know all the free-cheap spots around...lol Just leave the cell phones behind, the kids will be fine! (Remember, we use to NOT have them & peopel survived without them!) So you set it all up, & dont let him have an option to go or not to go. Try making it a place he enjoys, then how can he say no? I promise, when you do this at the LEAST once a month, it will show him your his loving wife he married, not just the mom of his children! He will gradually put whatever it is holding him back behind him! Give it a try, afterall, what do you have to lose?
I hope this helps & please keep us updated!
~Melissa~
Wow - this post hits home. I have been in a very similar situation for 7 yrs - the last three with no physical contact and lots of feeling rejected and not good enough - very bad about myself.... and in two weeks my bf will be moving out. Its slightly different since we weren't married and our "kids" are of the 4 legged and barking variety, but the feelings of inadequacy must be the same. We are and hopefully will continue to be close and good friends - which made it easy to stay in the relationship- it was comfortable and safe and gave us both a security blanket, but neither of us were even remotely happy. After a very short talk - we decided it was finally time to split. I know its the best thing for me and I know there is someone who will make me happy out there, but right now - I'm terrified, overwhelmed, relieved, scared, hopeful, worried, wondering etc...... Its funny - I have no problem writing this to a group of total (but wonderful) strangers, but I can't bring myself to tell my family or friends. I've told one person and have no desire to tell anyone else. Anyway - that's my sad sob story...... 
thanks for listening and please wish me luck and some piece of mind .......
This is a little bit of a bunny trail, but I promise, it's relevant.
I think we are all a little misled when we get married that our husband is going to make us happy and we'll make him happy. Of course we are partners in life with our spouse and there's nothing more important than working on making a stronger relationship, but it's also important to find a balance for yourself.
You need to find happiness and strength without him as well - not outside the marriage, but alongside the marriage. If I depended on my husband to always be there for me when I needed him - I'd be out of luck. He's human too. He is not always going to be able to read me, or even be capable of giving me what I need.
So it's important to work on your strength as an individual. Find things you love and make you feel good about yourself and put some of your energies there. Most of all - work on friendships with other women. They are the best for support when you need it and the husband isn't giving it. And most of the time instead of distracting you from your marriage, our girlfriends can empathize, and we find out we're all going through similar things and there's nothing "wrong" with you guys!
Keep at it and stay strong. Marriage is definitely a roller coaster . Anyone who says it isn't is... well, I haven't met that person yet .
A couple of the last few things being said really hit home and I think are right one - we need to do more "fun" things together - ie. DATE and we can't rely on each other for our sole friendships.
dating was hard with little kids, but now that Henry is getting older, that should be easier, and we have had two dates in the last two weeks (one with kids) and it was SOOOO nice to have "fun" time together.
And the friends thing - this is always the hard one as we have moved around so much. We met when I was in Iowa and he in Chicago, so I knew NO ONE when we moved in together and it was really, really hard. After three years in chicago, we moved to Philadelphia for 4 years and lived in two parts of town, then we moved to Ontario for two years, and then to Iowa for 9 months and now here for just three years.
We are JUST beginning to make some good friendships because it's HARD to make CLOSE friends. You can make acquaintenances pretty easily, but someone you want to open up to and share things with - well, it's hard for both of us. I think that's why we have formed a lot of friendships online because those we can take wherever we go, you know?
So, we are working on the friends thing, but it's slow going... doesn't help that we are pretty opinionated people and somewhat unconventional (not religious, politically quite left and not conformists in our beliefs)...
Anyway... we had a talk last night (or was it the night before? The night before). No yelling, but a lot of sadness as to how we have drifted apart. Once again, DH says that it's in my power to make him happy, but I don't. And he doesn't think I've hurt him intentionally, but I've hurt him regardless... and it is my weight and our finances and that I don't "listen" to him or care about what he is passionate about.
This last one is the hardest to hear because I give SOOOO much of myself - to the kids and what I have left, to him. I do so little for myself. I get up at 5:30 to 6:00 am with Henry, get all of them off in the morning (making breakfast, packing lunches) then I have the day with henry and housework and getting organized and looking for jobs (and here too much , of course) and then at 3:30 pm starts the after school stuff and dinner. DH gets home at 7 pm and then we eat, have a little "all" family time, I put henry to bed around 9 pm, get Adrian all set for 9:30 pm and then around 10 pm DH likes to watch the recorded Jeopardy and I keep score for him. Then it's 10:30 pm, he records his score downstairs and then I pop on here or start a load of dishes or fold some laundry and then I'm WHIPPED... HE is ready to talk politics or whatever at 11 pm.... and I "want" to listen, but I'm just too tired to give any more for the day. I feel like I'm being punished for taking care of everything else.
I always used to wonder why so many older (like 40s 50s) women were so bitter about the divorce, and now I get it. I used to think "well, they didn't give enough to their husbands so he looked elsewhere), but now I understand HOW EASY it is to not have enough to give. That a husband and wife decide together to have a family and decide together to raise them, but it falls mostly to the women and then the man starts to feel neglected and then finds a single woman who gives him the attention he craves... leaving the mother of his kids behind... I "get it " now...
I hope it doesn't "go there" for us, but it could... it could happen to most any of us (and if you think not, you're naive)... sigh... so I somehow need to find more time for DH to listen to his passions and try to make it more interesting for me.... He doesn't want me to just "listen" but to be active listening.... sigh... like I can concentrate on politics at this point in my life???
Melissa
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