How Do You Revive A Stale Relationship?
Lounge By berryblondeboys Updated 9 Jun 2007 , 1:34am by shelbur10
I just wanted to offer my support. Althought I'm sorry that you're having this issue, it's good to know I'm not alone with this problem. My DH is having some depression problems (there's a thread about that if you're interested), but our relationship has been very unbalanced in the intimate sense for about 4 years. I realize I am far more sexual than he is and not all men are overtly sexual. It think the worst of it is that's it's so hard not to take it personally!
When he went to therapy yesterday, the therapist told him to get the book "Silent Sons", by Robert Ackerman. My DH had an alcoholic, distant father and a very domineering mother. It affects men in many ways, including intimacy, but men don't realize the impact their past has, especially if they are hardworking, competent "normal" adults. She thought this book would enlighten him very much as to why he handles things like he does. I don't know if you would help you, but I thought I would mention it.
Anyway... we had a talk last night (or was it the night before? The night before). No yelling, but a lot of sadness as to how we have drifted apart. Once again, DH says that it's in my power to make him happy, but I don't. And he doesn't think I've hurt him intentionally, but I've hurt him regardless... and it is my weight and our finances and that I don't "listen" to him or care about what he is passionate about.
---Well, Melissa. I am not sure that I agree with this statement. I do not think that it is in "your power" to make him happy. If he is chosing to not be happy, I feel as though there is nothing that you can do or not do to make it so. I am sorry, and you will probably hate me for this, but I think that is a controlling statement on his part. I wouldn't be surprised if you had a low self esteem, if you feel as though your life is a prison.
I just think that, like dydemus said... YOU ARE HUMAN. Seriously. How is it that you are responsible for someone else's happiness? He is not a child, but an adult. You are living in the same stress filled marriage, with the same $$ problems, probably a busier schedule, and you are trying to lose weight! Good grief girl, you have enough on your plate without trying to make his life what he thinks it should be.
I am divorced and re-married. My first husband cheated on me several times, he also beat me up. The big excuse was that I "MADE" him. I wasn't meeting his needs, I wasn't pretty enough, skinny enough (although I weighed 130lbs, and was 5'
I was never good enough. It never occured to me that the problem was HIS. I tried and tried to be what he wanted... but never was. I finally had a reality check when he beat me up in an attempt to make me lose our baby. I was ruining his life by tying him down. HHHMMM.
I know that you are not in a marriage like that, but it is not healthy for you to be told that if you were skinnier, he would be happier! Are you sure that if you were the appropriate weight for him that you wouldn't have the wrong hair color???
Again, I do think that people need to work together to make marriage work, and that it is hard. I think you both need to make sure that the other's PHYSICAL needs are being met... but happiness is a choice. You are not responsible for his.
IMHO.
Correct me if I'm wrong, or out of line, but you say that your DH says that it's in your power to make him happy, but you don't? And he complains about your weight, a weight that you've pretty much been since you got married, give or take a few? And that you don't listen to him or care about what he is passionate about? What I want to know is this: How has HE tried to make YOU happy? And do people mistake his body for Adonis's? And if asked the question, "What is you wife passionate about?", would he be able to answer, and correctly? I know that finances can be a huge thorn in a marriage, but I think how you get through it is by what kind of foundation and communication you've laid down beforehand. And marriage is not a 50/50 thing. Somtimes you're only able to give 35% and your spouse will have to give 65%. Sometimes it's the other way around. I truly believe that you are being way too hard on yourself. YOU need to find more time to listen to HIS passions and make it more interesting for yourself? (So I guess it's safe to assume then that he will be doing the same for you? Maybe by taking on a little more responsibility around the house or with the kids?) IMHO, it all sounds very one-sided, and you are doing all the work. Nobody can make another person happy - the person needs to find their own happiness. I truly, truly hope that things get better for you, and that he starts to see you for the incredible woman that you are - someone that would do anything for her family, and has been. Just please don't lose yourself in all of it. Remember that you deserve the exact same kindness, respect, friendship and love that you give to others.
Sorry if this has been a rant - guess I'm in a mood.[/quote]
I am so sorry but this might be a long one.
It is really funny because I was feeling so empty when I sat at the computer to just see what was happening at CC. Then out of nowhere I decided to go to the lounge (which I never got to). And I see this thread. I have been married for 13 years this coming Wednesday the 6th, and we have had what I call the worst marriage ever (emotional that is). I am so lonely all the time even though I have a husband in the house. I have two wonderful children I love them so much. But as a wife I don't even know where to start.
We got pregnant just a few months after moving in and we moved in very quickly after meeting so not much time to get to know each other. Well, I was a very happy go lucky type of person. No I don't even know. Anyway, I can't explain it but it's not what happens in my house it's what doesn't happen. It's not the sex, that we have, the only interaction that we have, no foreplay, no kissing, no touching, just sex, get off and done. Once in a blue will there be very little touching or very little kissing. Then the whole dating thing. God have I tried that!!!! We go out all the time but usually I walk alone, beside, in front or behind, but people can't even tell we are together. I try to hold his hands or touch him and he just pushes me away. So i try to hang on to the pant loop and he will find a way to get me away. At home, he has Sun and Mon off, well Sun the kids are home so we try to do things with the kids, but Mondays that the kids go to school he is in his own world and me in mine. He gets home from work around noon so we have the rest of the day to talk - no. He will walk in and say hi like if I was a dog pats my head, I will force a kiss and that is it. Sometimes he will talk a little something that was important to him and off to the couch he goes and that is all that I see of him. My kids come home and he never has time for them either. He is a truck driver - local so he is home everyday, but then he comes home takes a shower eats something and sits on the couch and watches TV all day, falls asleep for a while and wakes up and continues to watch TV. The kids and I will tell come have dinner with us but he is always busy watching TV. I have tried anything and everything that you guys have said, naked, changing the channel, standing in front, yelling talking, touching, loving, complimenting, rubbing, writing, crying, laughing, remembering and yes I have done the unthinkable- the emotional affair. And no nothing has worked. Put it this way, I have a friend that I meet about 7 years ago and until not long ago she didn't even know that I was married. Everyone I meet thinks that I am single he never goes with me to any party, function, event family or friend. I am always alone with my kids. That is my life me and my kids.
I know that there are people that are to themselves but this is nuts. Example, right now he just went to bed, he was watching the Yankees - Red sox game, he let it on and let to what I thought was the bathroom and I just realized that he went to bed. No good night no nothing I went to the room and I know that he is still awake and said oh you went to bed, he didn't even respond. So now I will finish this and go to bed and just lay there and cry myself to sleep. Every night it's the same thing, the loneliest feeling. My house is such a cold house, you feel no love, just the love I give the kids and what they give back.
I give, can't say I don't. He does nothing in the house. I cook, clean, run errands while he is at work so it won't interfere if he wants to do something. I deal with all the kids activities and Dr. appt. (daughter, diabetic, son hearing impaired) he doesnt deal with them at all, actually when they have an appt at a time that he is home it is in the way he stays home and my mom goes with me. I take out the trash or my son, husband takes it out maybe twice a month, I clean up after him. Since he sits on the sofa all day he collect cups and plates of the thing that he ate, so I go in and take care of that. I get him the things that he wants, when I don't he get mad and says that I do nothing for him. He washes his own clothes because I don't do it the way he like. But that is about it. All he does is drive himself to work. I try to love him sooooooo much even though I know I will get nothing back but it gets very tyring. I know that I should have left such a long time ago but my kids, especially my son can't see the house without his dad. So I stay.
He likes to blame me for a lot of things to. Like we don't have seats that we sit at all the time at the table, so if for some reason he sits in a chair that he can't see TV and he is "forced" to talk to us he will say oh you had to sit me so I have to talk, well then the kids and I won't say anything because then he gets weird- not mad just bothered. Or, my son plays baseball, so if I am not ready when it's time to take him to practice then I did it on purpose so he would have to go, I might be cooking or making a cake or something. Or, I made an appointment when he got out of work or his day off so he would have to go, because if not my mom will talk about it. He takes me out so that my parents won't talk, so I make dates so they wont' talk. Or I picked or brought him a bright colored, or different style shirt so that I can see wherever he is at or so that people can see him and make fun of him or some sort of insecure issue. It is all these weird little things that he blames me for, I walk on egg shells all the time.
I have days that he will feel a little chipper and we will talk, but those are few. They are what energizes me. It's like recharging a battery and that charge lasting years after that charge and using it everyday. I know that there are marriages that have abuse, physical and mental. But I think that this is emotional and I don't see it as abusive. I love him that is the worst part. He got sick last year and was in the hospital for a few days, I came home and felt so weird. I was so sad to know that he could have died (diabetic attack and everything stopped working) but at the same time I saw myself free without the chains. But I was sad at the fact the I was losing him, I guess I want him out of my house not our lives. I love the house when he is not here, again I feel free. No walking on egg shells, no why are you making fun of me, or why are you talking to your mom about me, ( he is very insecure - someone is always out to get him) I think that it was the best four days in my life. But it was the fact that he was sick that was hard. I am not saying that he doesn't let me do things, actually it the other way around, he likes it better when I am not home, so I shop a lot- he makes good money so I am always shopping and no I have not run us into some crazy debt. We have no credit cards just a debit card. We have cell phones, two cars and the regular house bills, insurance, elec. , phone, cable and rent. That is it.. So I go shopping with cash on hand. I love pricey purses and shoes that is my addiction. So he will send me shopping when things get "tough" That is his way of getting me out of his hair and making me "happy" but that is not what I want. I want him, a husband that's it, someone that I can love and they can love me back.
I am sooooooo sorry that this is so long but I had to get all this off my chest and when I saw that someone was talking about this I actually felt like "Finally" I can tell someone. I don't tell my mom and I tell my sisters very little, I try that they see that we get along, not a great marriage just that we get along. SO I was able to let go of all this that was inside and I feel so much better. Thank You for listening
Vicky
Correct me if I'm wrong, or out of line, but you say that your DH says that it's in your power to make him happy, but you don't? And he complains about your weight, a weight that you've pretty much been since you got married, give or take a few? And that you don't listen to him or care about what he is passionate about? What I want to know is this: How has HE tried to make YOU happy? And do people mistake his body for Adonis's?
That's what I was thinking.
My husband and I try to make each other happy. It's not just one side, I do things that he'll like and he does stuff I want. We've also tried to find things that we both enjoy like rollerblading. My husband is always trying to involve me in stuff he likes, it's like target shooting and dirt bikes, and he really goes out of his way to try and make it enjoyable for me. There are things we do on our own, he doesn't like cooking, I don't hunt and I get lost when he talks about what he did at work (he's a mechanic and I might be able to open the hood on the Suburban).
The weight comment is what really bothers me, I just don't understand how a man can say that after a woman has given birth to his children because most of the time that accounts for a good portion of hte weight. Maybe it's because I grew up with my father and what he told me about it when I was 16 still bothers me. I'm the third child of seven and he told me that he almost dumped her when he met her mother and if she'd gotten heavy he would have ended the marriage. Now my grandma is fat, not hugely fat but nice and round and cuddely like a grandma should be, and my father by this time had a pretty good sized gut and he's saying this after SEVEN children? 
I know he didn't mean if she got fat because he's made comments to other siblings of mine about my weight, I've lost a size since the last time I saw him but the largest I've ever been has been a 12 and I'm 5'10" so I was heavier than I wanted but not over my limit on the weight chart.
The weight thing is where I feel the most helpless... does ANY overweight person WANT to be overweight? My weight isn't good and i NEED to get it under control as I have heart issues on both sides of the family... ALWAYS, if I exercise reguarly, the weight comes off... so I need to concentrate on that - not dieting, because dieting does NOT WORK for me and yes, I do it the right way...
I'm 5'6" and built BIG. Doctors say my ideal weight is 160. When we got married I was 200 lbs. DH said that he would prefer I be lower, but he could live with it and a bit more... Well, I quickly went to 230 and after kids to 265. That is WAY too much. I wear between a size 18 and size 20. At weight 230 I wear a 16/18 and at 180-200 I wear a size 14... since about 3 years after marriage, I've been at the 265 range... stable. I've gone down a few times, but I can't maintain it...
My "goal" is to be more fit... weight loss will just have to be a consequence. It's not ideal, but ANY weight loss helps. It will probably take me a year to get there, but that's OK too - really I have realistic ideas of how long these things take, but... can I keep it off??? Why do I think that "I" will be one of the 3% to keep it off? Both my Mom and Uncle had a form of bariatric surgery and I would NEVER go that route - their long term health consequences are not good... Plus, you are STILL supposed to eat right and exercise - then why go through surgery then???
EVERYONE in my family has weight issues - EVERYONE. Some of it is genetic, I am sure, some of it is bad early habits and I'm trying my HARDEST with my kids to break those habits... but DHs family is all thin - always have been. DH gained a few pounds, but has taken them off. He grew up eating well and makes better food choices than I do too....
I probably shouldn't have married him because i KNEW, KNEW that this would be a problem for us.... sometimes I think "why keep trying when as soon as the kids are gone, he'll leave anyway because he has nothing to hold him here. then why prolong this?" but I'm so down right now that I shouldn't be making any decisions like that. I "need" to get back on my medication for dysthymia and then maybe I'll feel more optimistic, but right now I feel like I have a mountain in front of me... Mt. Everest too.
Melissa
P.S. it doesn't help that my Mom told me while I was in college that I would never meet anyone until I lost the weight.... I feel like I've conquered ALL my growing up demons (I had a really bad home life) but the weight... it's like I carry that pain with me always and I HATE that - for all to see...
I'm probably talking to myself here, but it's therapeutic... I'm feeling very down. I have a doctor's appt. for June 18th and will get my prescription for prozac to help with the dysthymia, but in the meantime, I'm floundering. I have NEVER felt so hopeless about our relationship. ALWAYS before, after we talked/cried and even raised our voices a little (never really yelling or screaming), I felt better. Felt that "OK, now I know where we are and where to go.", but this time.... no raised voices, just some tears and hopelessness... I know I need to lose this weight, that THIS ALONE would solve so many problems - besides helping my health and improving how I look to dh, it will also increase my energy level and everythign else. I KNOW all of this, so why can't I do it? Why am I seeing "i can't do it" before I've even started. Why?!?!!? I know I'm down, but I also know I've lost weight four other times in our marriage and the healthy, slow way and EVERY time I got to a more reasonable weight (and still not thin - not anywhere close). I started not being able to stick to the exercising or, more than that, not being able to stick to making good choices with food and portions. Even with trying to take it ONE DAY AT A TIME... so like, one bad day or bad week doesn' tmean a bad FOREVER, it ends up that way...
I have NEVER thought about bariatric surgery because my mom and Uncle had this and they initially lost weight, gained it all back, and had major problems with eating (both of them vomited almost every meal because of the opening to their stomach being too small). BOTH have eventually lost weight, but was it worth it? and was it because of the surgery or because of what?!?!?
NO ONE who has never had REAL weight issues can understand this and 10 to 30 pounds is not a weight issue... do you think ANY overweight person wants to be? Do you think ANYONE who has worked hard to take off the weight wants to gain it back? NO>>>> then why do 97% of them???
I'm feeling so hopeless. Today, DH came down in his skivvies because the pants and shirts he wanted to wear were still in the laundry basket downstairs. He has trimmed up and lost the LITTLE weight he had. He looks really good... and I looked at him and felt so sad... He doesn't want me to touch him and he doesn't want to touch me... if I don't get my act together, he going to be looking elsewhere and someone else will be touching him and making him happy...
I attached my current photo. taken this past week. It's about as bad as I ever look as I hadn't slept, and my hair was pulled back, not down... not overly appealing.
Melissa,
You are a very beautiful woman! Please don't lose self esteem. About the weight, I weigh 220 lbs and am 5ft 3in. I want to lose weight too because I know I'm at an unhealthy weight. My DH was overweight too, so I never really pined over my weight. DH just found out a few months ago that he is diabetic, and he has managed to lose 30lbs. He's looking very good, and now I look at myself and get so depressed. But one thing that I have learned is that you must make the choice to lose because it is what YOU want. If you lose because it's what DH wants, it won't stay off. I wish your DH realized that a little encouragement goes so much farther than negativity. I think it really would make a world of difference.
My DH drives me insane on a number of things, but one thing he does well is make me feel beautiful.
Keep talking to us, we are here for you. Unfortunately there are alot of us with similar issues, but it helps to have good friends to talk to. And for myself, I think it's easier to talk to you guys than to people who know me personally. I tend to hide stuff from them just to keep the peace.
melissa ...
It is not really my place to tell you how to feel, or your husbands place for that matter ... but I do know that even overweight people can have a happy life .. and that their significant other should never judge them on appearance, only encourage them for a better healthier lifestyle .. Am I overweight? Not really .. am I in the realm of super-healthy? No .. is my mom overweight? Yes. She has been for as long as I can remember. Is my dad? No. Have I ever in my short 27 years on earth here hear my dad demean (?) my mom in anyway due to her weight? No. Have I heard my dad give up something he wanted/needed for the week so my mom could pay for her WW? Yes. Multiple times. Has my mom lost weight and gained it back? Yes. Have I ever heard my dad get disgusted with her over it? No. All I am saying is that there are hundreds of people out there, probably thousands, who are overweight but still happy with themselves and with their significant others. If your biggest problem in your marriage is your weight issue (besides finances), and you have a husband who can't support you in that battle ... then you should go into that war by yourself .. I am sorry to say that and I am sure at this point I am just rambling on to you .. but I feel sorry for you because I know you could have a whole different lifestyle ...
Keep talking to us, we are here for you. Unfortunately there are alot of us with similar issues, but it helps to have good friends to talk to. And for myself, I think it's easier to talk to you guys than to people who know me personally. I tend to hide stuff from them just to keep the peace.
It is so funny because to my family things are just fine, and to the kids too. I try to show the family that we are all happy and everything is fine. I don't talk to them about my issues and let them see what they want to see that he is a GOOD MAN. I found it so easy to sit here and write what was going on and it felt just right and good to me. I have been feeling a little better since I let some out, I hope it has worked out the same for some of you.
On the lighter side,
Who has to pay for a therapist if we have each other here. It is good to know that we have each other to talk to and that we are here for eachother no matter what the subject is. 
Vicky
Ask yourself this: is it really ALL you fault because of weight and stuff or is your husband looking for reasons to blame you for the problems you're having as a couple? I may be wrong but that's really what it sounds like to me.
For the weight maybe HE should help you find time to exercise by taking the kids for activities or watching them on weekends so you have at least an hour or two a week to do it. It should be done simply for your health but if it's really affecting the marriage so much he should be doing it for that too.
Ask yourself this: is it really ALL you fault because of weight and stuff or is your husband looking for reasons to blame you for the problems you're having as a couple? I may be wrong but that's really what it sounds like to me.
For the weight maybe HE should help you find time to exercise by taking the kids for activities or watching them on weekends so you have at least an hour or two a week to do it. It should be done simply for your health but if it's really affecting the marriage so much he should be doing it for that too.
I need to learn to ask him to do this EVERY WEEKEND... He never offers to take the kids - ever. But, if I asked, espeically because I wanted to exercise, I know he would do it...
I really don't think he does this intentionally. I just don't think he thinks beyond himself (and the kids). It's not just not thinking about me - but anyone... And it's not like he's self-centered either, but... he just gets so caught up in what he's doing/focused on, that it never enters his mind to make time for ME to be able to take a shower in the morning when we all need to get ready....
And.... is it the weight???? I don't know... I lost weight before (the last time we were at this very bad place 8 years ago)... I went from 250 to 185... and guess what? INITIALLY our sex life got better, but it too began to disappear. AT FIRST he gave me more attention, but he started to just 'accept" that I was this weight and things went back to normal... and I did get frustrated and started to feel hopeless again...and the weight came back on. It was AFTER I put the weight back on that I went to the psychiatrist because I was so unhappy and it was then that we found I had Dysthymia (the really low level chronic depression)... I "thought' that if I wasn't depressed and lost weight, then MAYBE we would all be better... but then I couldn't lose the weight...
But... if I lose the weight, it's for me mostly. I mean... my dad died at age 42... my mom who is 59 has diabetes now and on heart medicine... dad was thin but bad eating... mom is now thin "so-so" eating... If I want to be around to see my kids grow up, I need to take this weight off and KEEP it off, but MORE importantly, I need to make exercising a part of my life... Fit body equals fit heart...
Melissa
Does your medication have an affect on weight loss/gain? I know some do. I also realize though that the benifits of the medication usually outweigh the bad...
I also realize that your DH is probably a very good man, and alot of people tend to get so focused on stuff that they don't realize what their actions (or lack of) are doing to the people around them. Hopefully the talk you two had will work on him over time and he'll figure out that there are things that he needs to work on also. This is a partnership and it takes hard work from both partners to keep it working.
I don't have much advice for you but just wanted to say that you are a very beautiful woman. Also, the weight loss thing has to be for you and only you. It will not work if you are trying to please someone else only to get there and they don't really recognise it or 'appreciate' it....you will just fall back into the depression side of it.
Everything of the best to you.
The more I read, the more I'm beginning to believe that, IMHO, your DH has way more issues than you do, and he's willing to let you take the blame for them, and you have been for so long that it's become the norm in your relationship. What you need to do is stand up for yourself! You need to believe that you are a magnificent human being whether you weigh 120 or 220. It may not happen overnight, but at least once a day tell yourself how good a person you are. You take care of your kids, your house, and your husband (who doesn't see to appreciate what he's got). It's time to think of yourself, girl! You have children who are looking to you for guidance and you are their role model. Think about what kind of mom you want them to see and remember you as - Diva or Doormat. And to quote Dr. Phil, "People will only treat you how you allow them to treat you". I have found this to be so true. Long story short, I once worked at a place where I was kind of timid and didn't want to rock the boat, but one day something happened and I stood up for myself, and they knew I meant business, and they knew I was right. From then on, I was treated like I owned the joint. Because I stood up for myself! You've got to do that, too. Perhaps once you start believing in yourself, standing up for yourself, and realizing that you are important, your DH may all of a sudden have his blinders removed. When he starts to realize that you will be an active participant in your own life whether he wants to be or not, he might start wising up and come around. Good luck with everything, and remember that you have all of us at CC in your corner.
P.S. I thought you looked very nice in your picture.
I hope you all understand that weight is not the issue....YOU are not the issue. HE has the issues!
Please....I speak from very personal experience. I was married for 21 years to my first husband...with him for 25 (since I was eighteen). There were things about his personality that I didn't like from the beginning (but was sure I could change....(talk about young and stupid). But, I loved him with all my heart and didn't listen to that little voice that said he doesn't really treat me like he should. I'm not saying he was violent or even mean, but he didn't go out of his way for me.
Time went on, we had 3 kids and I was busy and happy with them. He worked hard to support us, but got more and more frustrated with life. Everything became my fault. I gained weight, taking solace in food. He didn't like how I looked, so it was my fault he didn't want to spend time with me. He didn't bother with my birthday....our anniversary....and when it bothered me I was "making him feel bad...just like always...no matter what he did it was never good enough". He got meaner.....the temper got worse. He'd scream that he hated his life in front of our kids....punch walls....blame me for making him angry. I spent my life with him smoothing things over....keeping things mellow and protecting everyone from seeing that side of him.
Finally, right before I turned 40 I got really sick and eventually needed a hysterectomy. He didn't take the day off work, saying that I was going to be asleep anyway. I woke up alone after the surgery and my very first thought was "this is how much I really mean to him". It was a life changing moment for me and I could never look at him the same way again. My eyes were finally open.
I started therapy, to help me find out why I was allowing myself to stay with someone who valued me so little. What I learned was that men who act like that are very passive aggressive. That's how they belittle and control. He didn't like the "me" I was finding in therapy one little bit. He didn't like that I stuck up for myself and didn't let him make me feel guilty for feeling hurt by his behavior. That Fall I had a near death experience, which really made me focus on my life and how lucky I was to be alive. Four months later I told him that we had to got to counselling. He went, but I know it was only so he could try and control the therapy and get the therapist on his side. One day she asked me to come alone and told me that he was never going to change and he was going to make me pay for the rest of my life for putting him through counselling if I stayed with him, and I knew she was right.
I left him later that year. It was the most horrible thing I've ever done. I was terrified that I'd hurt my kids so much they wouldn't recover. I had never let them see the ugly side of their dad. My 18 year old daughter didn't speak to me for 6 months after I moved out. Then, one day she called crying, begging to move in with me. She had seen her dad for what he is. Sadly, all 3 kids have learned the reality of their dad since then. My older son hasn't spent a night with his dad for 4 years now.
I guess I'm just trying to help you see that nothing YOU are doing is causing him to act like he is. It's HIS problem, not yours, and you deserve better. If I've learned anything from the past 6 years, it's that we only get one life....just one.....and we all deserve a good one.
You don't have to stay.....and sometimes being alone is much better!
Take care.
Melissa,
I haven't read all the posts here, but I've read enough to know that you are getting some very good advice and there's not a whole lot that I can add.
I just want to say that it seems that your DH is putting a lot of emphasis on your weight. Probably he's doing that because you're sensitive about it and it's a good way for him to make you feel guilty. But regardless, your size should never be an issue in your marriage!! I've been married almost 12 years, and yo-yo-ed quite a bit in that time. Right now I'm very near my biggest ever, and I'm not happy about it, and frankly, DH isn't crazy about my size either. He supports my efforts to try to lose and he also makes an effort to tell me that I'm beautiful and sexy (even if it makes me roll my eyes).
That the way it's supposed to be!! If there's something about your appearance that you would like to change, DH should support you. Not try to make you feel bad about it! If you want to lose weight, do it your way. If you're comfortable the way you are, it is your right to stay there!! We all know when we walk down the aisle that we're vowing to grow old with that person, we won't always be young and beautiful. Love is not about appearances!! He is using this as an excuse for his problems. Please don't let him make you feel bad about yourself!!
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