Ok so I'm 42!! DH replaced some glass in our front door this weekend. The glass is frosted and he picked it out himself. I don't love it, but I'm trying to get used to it. So my mom comes over looks at the glass, turns up her nose and says "I don't know if I like that." I pretended to ignore her comment. My mom and I really do have a great relationship and for the most part she respects boundaries, but this comment bothered me more than I'd like to admit.
Now, I'm a grown woman with a DH, house, full time job, 2 kids. I hate the fact that this bothered me so much!! I mean I'm not sure I like the glass either, but its the fact that she expressed such dislike that really bothers me.
I really thought that I had overcome this, but it's obviously still there. Anybody else still going through this? Does it ever end?! Thanks (again) for letting me vent.
Well I know exactly what you are saying. My mother & I also have a very close relationship. I am 36 & I still care what my mom thinks. I do not think it will ever end. They are our moms. We are their children. I have had this disccussion with my other & she says sometimes its just hard not being a mom.
Its just glass. Your Mom loves you. I am sure she did not mean it the way you took it. 
Maybe you could chat with her about how it made you feel, just a thought
edited for spelling
I just turned 34 and still "care/worry" about what my mom thinks. LOL We have a super relationship though so that is good. But for some weird reason I'm always thinking ,"what will mom think if I do this, or if I say that or if I buy this or if I wear that?" LOL
Those in this position know the answer .... you are not a little girl anymore, and you do not need mommy's approval. However, knowing that and living by it are two different things.
I don't want to sound like Dear Abby, but try to look inside to see if you can figure out why you are afraid mom will "disapprove" of something you do or say. Is she a controlling person? Do people try to stay on "her good side" so they won't be tossed into her dog house and treated like dog food? Does she emotionally blackmail people? (If she's "upset" with something one has done, does she ostrasize that person?).
I heard a number of stories about moms like this. The question among the siblings is "Whose turn is it for her to be mad at THIS week?"
Snide little comments like that can be just a way for a controlling person to be in control.
Or ..... she could just not like the glass!
Those in this position know the answer .... you are not a little girl anymore, and you do not need mommy's approval. However, knowing that and living by it are two different things.
I don't want to sound like Dear Abby, but try to look inside to see if you can figure out why you are afraid mom will "disapprove" of something you do or say. Is she a controlling person? Do people try to stay on "her good side" so they won't be tossed into her dog house and treated like dog food? Does she emotionally blackmail people? (If she's "upset" with something one has done, does she ostrasize that person?).
I heard a number of stories about moms like this. The question among the siblings is "Whose turn is it for her to be mad at THIS week?"
Snide little comments like that can be just a way for a controlling person to be in control.
Or ..... she could just not like the glass!
OMG, you are describing my Mom!!! Scary how to the T you are describing her!
I think because I did have such a controlling mom (and WAY bad) that's why I can't handle my MILs comments. She'll tell you that your look awful to your face! She'll tell you if she hates how you rearranged the room and so on, and i just "can't" help from taking it as "Melissa, you are awful then"... as that's how I felt/was treated growing up... I feel the same when DH starts commenting about stuff - I can't help but turn it to "he's criticizing my person" instead of criticizing because what I did annoyed him, but he still loves me... those messages are near impossible to erase, I SWEAR (and I went to therapy for two years over this!)
But, to the original poster, My MIL would have said, "It's awful. Who chose that? I wouldn't live with that if you gave me a million dollars" I've heard that more than once! LOL
melissa
Melissa, I grew up with the Master Manipulator. I put lots of therapy and 75 miles between me and her. My 14 year old has never seen her maternal grandmother except at funerals and by accident (about 3 times in her lifetime) and that is fine with me. It is my job as a parent to protect my child from dangerous people.
Those who were not raised by a crazy person cannot understand this. But my life is so much smoother and calmer since I do not have to deal with her crazy lies and manipulations. In the olden days, my sisters and I would have to get together to find out what version each of us was told so we could figure out what might be the truth.
I had a sister who died a few weeks ago and you would not believe the Jerry Springer stuff that was going on surrounding this horrible family tragedy. I could go on for days, but suffice to say I made the choice years ago not to have that turmoil in my or my children's lives.
And we are all the better for it.
Sometimes you just have to call a spade a spade, fold your hand and walk away from the table. I chose not to play her (mind) games anymore.
Melissa, I grew up with the Master Manipulator. I put lots of therapy and 75 miles between me and her. My 14 year old has never seen her maternal grandmother except at funerals and by accident (about 3 times in her lifetime) and that is fine with me. It is my job as a parent to protect my child from dangerous people.
Those who were not raised by a crazy person cannot understand this. But my life is so much smoother and calmer since I do not have to deal with her crazy lies and manipulations. In the olden days, my sisters and I would have to get together to find out what version each of us was told so we could figure out what might be the truth.
I had a sister who died a few weeks ago and you would not believe the Jerry Springer stuff that was going on surrounding this horrible family tragedy. I could go on for days, but suffice to say I made the choice years ago not to have that turmoil in my or my children's lives.
And we are all the better for it.
Sometimes you just have to call a spade a spade, fold your hand and walk away from the table. I chose not to play her (mind) games anymore.
My Mom was the same way -exactly. She would pit each of us kids against each other and then she wondered why none of us were/are close. She would make it a "gang up" against the person of the week. I was usually on the "good" side of Mom, but my poor sister and middle brother... she was pretty obvious who her favorites were - me (the oldest) and the youngest.
However, when I got older about 22-23, I realized how MESSED UP our house was when I started seeing more NORMAL relationships and even today I shake my head at some of the things she did and said - never physycal, but TERRIBLE emotional abuse. After two years of therapy I made a trip to see my mom (I lived 1/2 way across teh country from her) with my then 4 year old son. I was visiting several people in various cities... EVERYONE else was so happy to see us and made special arrangements for the newly turned 4 year old and it was a great visit, but my visit to my mom was a disaster... when she started to mess with my little guy, that's when I snapped - it was ONE thing to treat me that way (I had come to terms with that's how she is and decided to accept her as she is), but... after that visit I vowed I would never visit her again. She was preparing to move shortly after that, and then she disappeared (we weren't on bad terms - I kept my "decision" to myself, so she coudln't have been mad at me!) She was "missing" for 7 months - I ahd no idea where she moved to or anything... I'm sure my siblings knew, but I was NOT going to go to them to ask (part of Mom's manipulation tactics)... Then she appeared with an email.
Well, during that time I had talked a lot more with my therapist and had finally realized that the ONE regret I would have if she died (which is what I always came back to "how would I feel if she died?" was that I NEVER told her how I felt about our upbringing and how she treated us kids. So, I sent her an email (the only mode of communication I had as she STILL hadn't told me where she was)... her response? I no longer have a daughter or a grandson (which is how I knew she would respond) and that ended it... and I've never felt more peace. I was free...
And, I was free, I rarely thoguht about her and was happier with her gone. She reappeared about 5 years ago, but I still kept my "resolve" no visiting, but not keeping her from visiting or communicating with her grandchildren (which she has never bothered to even send a card). She tried to get all mushy, but I was done and didn't want to be dragged back in... she disappeared again about a year ago (moved in with a man and moved to either NJ or FL), so who knows when she'll resurface again...
The only bad thing is that this has meant all communication with my siblings is gone too as they are still pitted against me. They'll have to figure that out on their own.
But, I'm glad that door is closed and it will never, ever be opened by me (DH was relieved too).
Melissa
It's not my mother that drives me crazy with this stuff it's my father. I don't know how many of my siblings have figured out what he does but he likes to start fights so he can tell us all of our faults, he doesn't want us to be close.
My brothers aren't man enough, one of my sisters isn't feminine enough, he tells people how horribly huge my baby sister is (she's 5'6" and wears about a 14). He's also made comments about my size, I'm not as thin as I'd like but I'm 5'10" and wear a 12 and I'm on the high end of a regular weight.
I call my mother at least once a week but I only talk to him when I have to. We also don't visit my mom as much as I'd like because we have to see him too and I know that one of my BILs wouldn't avoid coming up more often if my parents weren't married or something.
My mother gets upset that I won't let the kids stay with them for a week or two in the summer but I don't want them subjected to him. When my oldest was little I wasn't so worried but he's so much like my oldest brother now who gets the most crap that I don't want him to be around that.
Part of our problem with our father probably stems from him being gone alot, I once did the math and not counting time in the field or TDY just when he really wasn't living with us, he was gone about half my childhood. He was a tank commander so he spent ALOT of time in the field.
It also didn't help that he was brainwashed enough by the Army to really believe the whole "God, country, family" order of priorities. He needs years of therapy to get over what the military did to him.
Well I am truning 35 and I still care what my mom thinks. She used to scare the crap out of me. It wasn't until my dad died and I was married(the first time) to a bi-polar crazy man and I would run away from home and visit my mom. It was then that I realized that her bite was very much worse than her bite. There was some crazy turmoil between us after my dad died and then found comfort in my mom.
Durring these visits I found out why she was the way she was. She was a sibling of 9(she was a triplet). Her father was an alcoholic. She grew up very poor. Then she found my dad and he made everything better. After my father was diagnosed she had to take care of him. Giving him his shots, feeding him etc. This was very difficut for her but she never let it show. They had just celebrated their 32 wedding anniversary. She was so strong.
She is such an amazing woman. I think I care so much is because I know how much she loves me and wants the best for me.
Granted she still drives me nuts with her comments because she is a crazy red headed Irish woman who says what exactly is on the top of her head(good or bad)! LOL.
I don't know if this is helpful but from reading your post it is my understanding that you yourself said you don't love the glass but you are trying to get use to it.
It's quirky don't you think that your Mom thought much the same as yourself!
While she probably drives you insane with her off hand comments and remarks I think it kinda nice that neither of you really like the glass! It kind of highlights the mother daughter relationship and how alike we can be sometimes.
You can probably see from my avatar why I like how even still you and your mom are a bit alike. It appeals to me because when my little monkey grows up it means there is hope for our likeness to each other not being totally lost!
I hope this makes sense?
Okay, this is my take on this.
You said you were not crazy about the glass in the first place.....your mom had the guts to say what you were feeling all along and she in some sort of way just confirmed it.
I know exactly what you are feeling and yes I too get pretty angry with myself when this happens. I am an only daughter with 2 older brothers and a gap of 6 years from my second eldest brother. My mom stayed home when I was born and it was basically just her and I for 9 nine years until she decided to go to work again. So it is safe to say that we are extremely close. She is my pillar of strength and I totally look up to her in everything that I do. She gives me advice when needed but allows me to make my own decisions. yes we have our tiffs and issues and there are times when she drives me totally crazy but at the end we do work it out. I hate being mad at her and I think she feels the same. With her love and guidance I feel I can achieve anything i set out to do.
So, I do understand what you are saying but I think you are upset with yourself and not your mum. And, to answer your question, no it does not end.
I'm 51 and mine still acts like I am a 5 year old! I started taking care of her in Nov. She fell a few times, etc., When I offered to quit my job, (I knew it was God that wanted me to do this) I said to myself I must be crazy!
She does pay me, but has accumulated JUNK over the years, so I am cleaning like the people on those T.V. shows!
She had two sitters, and she wasn't getting any better. After she was doing better, she fell out of bed and shattered the ball of the humerus.
I was so stressed I threaten to quit. I was up day and night! Now, she is taken therapy, and almost like her self again and wanting to stay by herself on the weekend.
Just doesn't like my DH, and says he calls to much. We stay at her house and mine.
She made me so mad last week while we were in my SUV, I told her she was NUTS!
People that don't know her say, Oh, she seems so SWEET! I tell them that's because you don't know her! Anyway, now I am telling her things that I have held inside since I was a little girl.
She says all I can do is ask you to forgive me. Nothing satisfies her. I guess we all have a crazy one in the bunch?
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