Boyfriend Problems

Lounge By mcginnis Updated 22 Apr 2006 , 1:10am by Azi

mcginnis Cake Central Cake Decorator Profile
mcginnis Posted 17 Apr 2006 , 3:48pm
post #1 of 25

Hi everyone,

I've never asked for advice before on this sort of subject, but I'm feel like I'm getting too old to put up with certain things, and I think maybe I need to hear some outside views to give me a little push in the right direction.

I have been dating someone for nearly 5years now. (both of us being through a previous divorce to other people nearly 8 years prior to that).
He has two teenage daughters, 14 and 16. I have a son who is 18, a daughter who is 23 and a grandson 6months. My boyfriend is 12 years older than I am. He is has custody of his two girls. (Just to give you a little background)

Our relationship was a little rocky at first, but over time, has gotten a lot closer and going so well. (most of the time).

I've just noticed that over the past few months, he runs hot and cold.
Let me give you an example of what happened over the last few days.

He dosen't "do" Easter. (He will go to church, but that's about it). He never did the family get together. Over the last 4 years, I have been getting his girls easter baskets, but this year the only basket I made up was for my grandson. I just think the rest of the kids are just getting too old for baskets. I asked if he minded, he said no. (he's never done baskets for them before anyway)
My daugter wanted me and him to come to her husbands's mother's house for dinner, since she knew we didn't have anything planned. The 16year old daugter wanted to go to her boyfriends's house for Easter dinner, the 14 year old daughter went to her mother's, and my son had to work, then went to his dad's after that. So all of the kids had other plans.

So I told my daughter that of course I would spend Easter with her. My boyfriend didn't want to go, so I went without him. Why didn't he want to go? He just dosn't like going to other people's houses that he dosn't know, so I wasn't going to push him.

I stopped by late that morning to show him a cake that I had baked for the dinner and told him I would call later, which I did.

Just by his voice, I could tell he had an attitude, I told him he was the one that chose not to go, and he told me that "No, I chose to go". (I guess the meaning behind that was that I didn't chose to hang around the house with him on Easter"

I told him that it was a holiday, and I am not going to miss out on spending it with my daughter and grandson.
He said "yeah, but you won't spend it with mine!" and he hung up on me!

I have no idea what he was talking about there, his daughters already had plans elsewhere and he dosen't do the family thing on Easter!

I am so mad! This is just one example, there have been others lately. Now I know that I am not perfect, but I feel like he wants me to put him first before anybody else. I just don't agree with that! I will alway be a mom and grandmom first, but that dosen't mean that I can't be a girlfriend too! I think he should share in these things!

I am not calling back either! should I?
thanks for letting me vent
mcginnis

24 replies
Monica0271 Cake Central Cake Decorator Profile
Monica0271 Posted 17 Apr 2006 , 4:00pm
post #2 of 25

Well first off I would like to say that I am sorry for what happened.

I do not think you should call him. I can tell family is important to you & I dont think you should compermise (sp?) that. I feel as if he was making you feel guilty. You should not feel gulity for spending time with your family.

Good luck!! icon_smile.gif

(((Hugs!!)))

charlieinMO Cake Central Cake Decorator Profile
charlieinMO Posted 17 Apr 2006 , 5:00pm
post #3 of 25

I am sorry this happened! It is really hard to second guess people when they don't want to tell you what is really bothering you. I have learned this the hard way. I am one of those people! My husband says getting anything out of me is like pulling teeth! I have gotten better though so hang in there. Guess I just wanted to tell you not to give up too soon. People can work out issues. I don't want to tell you whether you should call him back or not. My first reaction is NO DON"T CALL HIM!!! But then, as I thought about it, nothing will get worked out if you don't. I know I am not being much help but wanted you to know that I will be thinking of you and hope things work out the way you want them to! icon_lol.gif


Hugs, Charlotte

lotsoftots Cake Central Cake Decorator Profile
lotsoftots Posted 17 Apr 2006 , 5:41pm
post #4 of 25

I wouldn't call. This is a control issue. It's NOT about Easter, it's NOT about family, it's about you doing something without him, even though he had no other plans. I suspect that you only get along when you're doing what he wants to do in the first place. When it's something important to YOU, maybe he'll do it, but I bet you pay a price for it. It's just not right when an adult is only nice when they're getting their own way. Good luck.

mcginnis Cake Central Cake Decorator Profile
mcginnis Posted 17 Apr 2006 , 5:58pm
post #5 of 25

lotsoftots,

You know, I really feel like you hit on something there. "Control issue"

I have felt for quite a while like I am always trying to bend over backwards to please him to keep him happy, but I am seeing I am not getting it in return. He is very demanding of my spare time, which gives me less time to garden, make cakes and do things with my family.

I try to balance it all, but it would be so much easier if he would get more involved on my side, but he won't, and I have found that I am giving up alot of what I want to do. However, spending time with my kids will not be one of them. He resents that I babysit my grandson every other Saturday, he calls me on my cell phone when I go out to lunch with my daughter to see when I'll be done, and complains almost everytime I get a cake order, but then turns around and calls me a good mom and talented. That's what I mean: Hot and Cold and it's driving me nuts!

lotsoftots Cake Central Cake Decorator Profile
lotsoftots Posted 17 Apr 2006 , 6:31pm
post #6 of 25

I want you to go back and read your response you just posted. This guy is telling you who he is and what he's about. Are you listening? Actions speak louder...

It looks to me like you're doing all the compromising and all the tiptoeing around him. Not healthy. I'm betting it's gradually worsened over time.


I'm so sorry for this situation you're in--not fun on any level. You need to think of *YOU*. You only get one life. You only get one today. You can't control other people (no matter how hard some people may try), but you can control YOUR actions and how you choose to proceed.

Doug Cake Central Cake Decorator Profile
Doug Posted 17 Apr 2006 , 6:40pm
post #7 of 25

RUN! definately a control issue

reminds me of my sis and her FORMER husband -- he kept her on a very short leash -- isolating her from her family as much as possible.

she wised up finally (after catching him cheating on her -- another saga for another day)

and she RAN.

bodaisy Cake Central Cake Decorator Profile
bodaisy Posted 17 Apr 2006 , 9:48pm
post #8 of 25

Yes, I'm soooo sorry you had to go through that, BUT be thankful that you don't LIVE w/HIM.. I live w/mine and he was sumwhat the same as yours. (by example of course) Long story, but I was in tears by the end of the night and even planned on sleeping in my son's room, but fell asleep first. I would give you advice, but that wouldn't be fair as I'm letting the crap happen to me too. Hopefully we can get some words of wisdom from here. I truly hope everything works out for you!!!!!

mmdd Cake Central Cake Decorator Profile
mmdd Posted 18 Apr 2006 , 1:29am
post #9 of 25

The first thought that came to my mind is that this guy is playing a game. It almost seems like you've been playing his game "for" him. By that, I mean, he's trying in little ways to "convert" you.

My dh doesn't always like to go to all of the little b-day parties or weddings and I don'thold that against him, but the holidays?!?!?! C'mon! He'll go to church but not to any family things? I don't get that!

I think you did the right thing by not forcing him to go with you. And, I know you did the right thing by choosing to spend easter with your daughter & grandson!

I'm wanting to ask you if there's a reason you're not married? Has it come up? I think you've made his lifestyle too convenient and he doesn't have to "impress" you anymore...he just "knows" you'll stick around.

Also, I don't know your age, but you should be able to know what you want and lifes way too short to spend it unhappy.

What is your gut telling you? Don't question it, go with what it says.

Good luck and I'm truly sorry for your unhappiness on a beautiful holiday.

Please let us know what happens. And, I hope things get better for you.

mcginnis Cake Central Cake Decorator Profile
mcginnis Posted 18 Apr 2006 , 11:59am
post #10 of 25

mmdd,

I am 41, Kevin is 52. To answer your question about why we are not married is kinda complicated, but it really comes down to this.

I have been married and divorced twice. The first time when I was just out of high school and of course that didn't work, we were just too young.

I was with my second husband for 10 years and he treated me like a queen, until he changed jobs, became a sargent and his personality changed overnight. It was a hardest time of my life when we went through our divorce, but I am honestly over it, mainly from stories I have heard after it was all over.

Needless to say, I think I am more frightened of marriage than Kevin is. (He went through a rough time also). I just can't go through that again and we have a huge obstacle right now. His teenage daughters! He is very lax with them, as I raised my differently. I was much more strict with my kids when they were younger. I didn't let them come and go and do what they wanted, I made them get a job to buy the things they wanted, I made them save money, and I didn't let them get away with back talking me.

Using my parenting techinques on his girls would cause a head-on collison! And that's why I wouldn't marry him right now, but marriage really hasn't been a discussion with us at this point which is fine with me.

I don't know, I guess we thought when all the kids were grown, we would get married then and just grow old together. I guess at this point now, I really don't see that either, he has hurt me too much, and I'm a person that just dosen't forget.

I have not called him, nor has he called me. It has given me a little time to reflect on things. I know I have my faults, but then my biggest fault is trying to balance work, home, kids, grandson, and him, and I'm sorry, but I just can't see why that makes me a bad person. I have given up a lot, and I resent it because he doesn't give up anything for me.

He is a very talented musician. He use to play on the road when he was younger, but now works at a different job, and only plays at gigs once in a while. But I'm always there with him! However, he will blow me off if he wants to practice all day. God forbid if I did that!

I just want to thank everyone for letting me vent, for helping me to stay strong, because even though I can see what's been going on, love just dosen't dissapear overnight, and it's been hard not to pick up the phone and call him.

I just don't get it! Where are all the nice men at?! I'm a hard worker, I am a very giving and loving person, I am very laid back and even cute to look at! (except the mornings) ha ha. I just feel like giving up and living the rest of my life alone.

Please keep up words of encouragement for me!
Thanks!

mmdd Cake Central Cake Decorator Profile
mmdd Posted 18 Apr 2006 , 12:31pm
post #11 of 25

Well, I'm quite sure you already know that you don't need a man. And, it sounds to me like he's waiting for you to call him to say I'm sorry for not spending the day with you, etc., etc. like he's gonna try to make you feel bad.

My mother was married to a guy for 4 years that controlled her completely~even told her that nobody else would want her, etc. She was literally in shock when he left and had to go to the doctor!!!

I think you did right by being with your child & grandchild.

Another thing I'd like to point out is his age. He's very set in his ways and he's not gonna change for anything. He can't see things in other perspectives anymore...simply b/c he doesn't want to ....if he did, he wouldn't have said what he said to you on the phone.

I say get out and live your life for YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!

But, all this is just my personal opinons and I don't mean in any way to make you mad at what I say.

Good Luck with what you do, and trust me, the right guy will come along when you least expect it...

mjw15618 Cake Central Cake Decorator Profile
mjw15618 Posted 18 Apr 2006 , 12:58pm
post #12 of 25

You're doing the right thing...you've been down this road before and you don't want to make the same mistakes. My ex-husband and I had the same issues concerning doing things - he always had an excuse as to why he wouldn't go places with me or do things with our daughter. Turns out, he inherited his mother's bi-polar disorder and really couldn't deal with things. He's re-marrying a girl twelve years his junior in two weeks...I can only guess that she's too young and naive to realize that he won't change! Even my daughter says that this won't last...and she's eleven!

I briefly dated (for 7 months) a guy that had custody of his two daughters, ages 3 and 4 at the time. Let me tell you, it was a disaster from the start. He didn't believe in dicipline - he wanted them to be "free spirits"- they were evil monsters! I couldn't deal with them or his parenting style. Plus, he was just plain spoiled by his own mother, and acted as such. I wasn't even on his radar...I'd get one ten minute phone call a week and that was only to discuss what we would be doing on Saturday, which was always "hanging out with the girls watching Japanese anime". Grrrrrrrrrrrrrr. I consider those 7 months as the ultimate low point in my life.

So at the age of 35, I posted a profile on Match.com and met the love of my life. Yes, online! We've been together since December 2004 and I can honestly say it's the first real relationship I've ever had. There's respect, admiration, compatibility, and of course, love. So don't give up!!! It's true that you don't "need" a man, but wanting companionship and friendship isn't the same as needing some guy to make you happy. Keep your chin up and know that things can only get better.

mcginnis Cake Central Cake Decorator Profile
mcginnis Posted 18 Apr 2006 , 1:15pm
post #13 of 25

bodaisy,

I hope things start looking up for you also. Even though it hurts a lot, it helps to listen to other people.

I use to think long ago that I couldn't be without someone, I don't believe that anymore. (at least I've come that far) but I still haven't gotten to the point of falling "out" of love with Kevin. It seems like I put up with a lot before I reach my breaking point, but I do know I have one! I guess that's a good thing!

I just hate leaving things hanging! I want to tell him off! I want him to know how much he hurt me! How I deserve better!

How do I do that if I don't know if he's going to call back for a long time! ?maybe never! I don't know

mmdd Cake Central Cake Decorator Profile
mmdd Posted 18 Apr 2006 , 2:00pm
post #14 of 25

Just call him & tell him off........if you want, go over there when his daughters aren't there.

I don't think he'll call, he's waiting for you to call.

Just keep yourself busy being involved with your children and I'm sure that grandbaby is the apple of your eye!!!

Don't give him a 2nd thought, but if you want to tell him off, do it!!!!

Good Luck!!

Lemondrop Cake Central Cake Decorator Profile
Lemondrop Posted 18 Apr 2006 , 2:23pm
post #15 of 25

Mcginnis---I'm so sorry that you're going through this....hugs to you. Please don't take this from him.....you don't deserve crap being thrown at you. You're a young, apparently cute, woman......life is tough enough, that when you're with the person who's suppose to love you the most, it should feel like "comfort", not "pins & needles"........know what I mean?

m0use Cake Central Cake Decorator Profile
m0use Posted 18 Apr 2006 , 2:47pm
post #16 of 25

I would wait a couple more days to see what happens. This way you have a plan to form in your mind.
Let him know that you love him and because of that reason you are concerned about his personality and how it is conflicting with the person that you are. Mention that you have made changes in your life to try to spend as much time as you can with him and still keep your "normal" activities going. Mention to him that the activities that you do are part of who you are, and that includes spending time with your family on a regular basis.
Ask him what things in his life has he compromised for you...what things could you two do together that you would both enjoy?
No one can change who they are completely, after all that is why we fell in love with that person, because of who they are. BUT if this person cannot and will not want to let you have your time with your family even when you make time to spend with him, then work on getting out of the relationship before it gets worse.
My BFF is going through some things with her husband right now...that I wish to god had come up before they got married...if they had I would have told her not to marry him, unfortunately this guy did a complete 180 after they got married and now I am scared for her. I believe marriage is a lifelong commitment, but at what cost to your safety and well-being (physical and emotional). So right now, I just listen to my BFF and give her hints and suggestions and act as a shoulder to cry on when needed.
So back to you.....if he can't make some changes for you like you have made some changes for him...it's time to move on, no matter how painful it can be.
We just had a terrible thing happen here in Milwaukee, WI. A girlfriend asked her BF to move out because things were not working out between them. Well, instead of being a man and moving out, he doused her in gasoline and started her on fire, and then killed himself. So now 2 people are dead because of this.
I'm not saying this would happen to you...but I would sure hate you lose you.

prettycake Cake Central Cake Decorator Profile
prettycake Posted 18 Apr 2006 , 3:56pm
post #17 of 25

icon_smile.gif Try calling Dr. Laura Schlesinger and see what she says..
I listen to her everyday because I like her views on morality and everything else. She gives very good realistic advice, and she tells it like it is. try it.. icon_smile.gif

mcginnis Cake Central Cake Decorator Profile
mcginnis Posted 18 Apr 2006 , 4:08pm
post #18 of 25

Thank-you mOuse for your advice, it was also nice to here from Doug, I needed a man's point of view. In fact, thank you all!

It's funny: I'm sitting here at work and fighting so hard to consentrate on it. Instead, I am sitting here wiping back the tears very quietly, I don't want no one to see me, and thank God my desk is in a corner. I feel like an idiot! and that makes me mad at him too!

The only thing helping me through this right now is you guys! I decided that I will write a letter instead of calling. I don't want him to see me angry at this point because he may think that that is where my words are coming from. (Out of anger)

I want him to take me seriously. I want him to know that I will not go on like this, that I deserve better and it will be his loss, not mine. I also want him to relize that no desent woman would ever give up time with her children/grandchildren for any man. In fact, I would think that a man would find that a beautiful attibute in a woman.

Anyway, I will drop it off tomorrow at his house, since it is my day off, and he will be at work and the girls will be in school.

It will help me to know that I had the chance to vent my feelings to him, plus it will really show me what I mean to him when he dosen't respond back, because I don't think he will, at least for a while. He will delay it in order to hurt me more. It will be the other slap in the face I need to wake me up!

m0use Cake Central Cake Decorator Profile
m0use Posted 18 Apr 2006 , 4:11pm
post #19 of 25

{{{{BIG HUGS}}}}}
Good for you!!! thumbs_up.gif

bodaisy Cake Central Cake Decorator Profile
bodaisy Posted 18 Apr 2006 , 4:40pm
post #20 of 25
Quote:
Originally Posted by mcginnis

bodaisy,

I hope things start looking up for you also. Even though it hurts a lot, it helps to listen to other people.

I use to think long ago that I couldn't be without someone, I don't believe that anymore. (at least I've come that far) but I still haven't gotten to the point of falling "out" of love with Kevin. It seems like I put up with a lot before I reach my breaking point, but I do know I have one! I guess that's a good thing!

I just hate leaving things hanging! I want to tell him off! I want him to know how much he hurt me! How I deserve better!

How do I do that if I don't know if he's going to call back for a long time! ?maybe never! I don't know





I Know EXACTLY what your talking about!!! We are still having words over the whole Eater thing and I won't forgive him. I told him I don't need NO man, I went a brief period of living by myself for 4yrs w/just my son and was just dating him. I paid my own bills, bought my own car and held my own pretty good!!! I thought I was in love w/him when we got the house, but he's still mommies boy!!! It drives me nuts cause I've been on my own since I was 15yrs old and the only thing holding me back is the fact that I left my son's father when he was little and that was traumatic for him. I WILL NOT do that to him again. It took along time for us to get over that hump w/Geoff but we did. I know it's not any better living in a household that argues all of the time, but my son has at least 6 friends that are w/in walking distance plus the school is local and I don't want to take that away from him.. I can sacrafice my happiness for awhile to make sure my son has the life he deserves. One of my bf friends stated it perfectly.." he said that jeez you had 2 jobs, played on 3 softball leagues and always had money in your pocket, and look at you-you sit in you recliner from the time you get home from work until you go to bed, you do nothing w/b and geoff and you just don't do anything at all!!) I tell him all of the time that I WILL NOT marry him and don't even think for one second that I'm having kids w/him either, I said he's had 6 yrs practice to be a dad w/m y son and he SUCKS!!!!!! No way am I going through that w/a baby!!!! I don't even like his family!!! I did at first but as time goes by the weirdos!!!!



Ok enough rambling. I truly hope everything goes well with you cause it's not fair...

ShyannAutumn Cake Central Cake Decorator Profile
ShyannAutumn Posted 18 Apr 2006 , 5:41pm
post #21 of 25
Quote:
Quote:

All I can say is that someone invented silicone and latex for a reason, so we certainly don't need a man for anything specific




ROFL!!!!!!!!!!! I thought I was the only one that told my husband that. Oh toooo funny.

Mcginnis, I totally feel for you. I understand your situtation well since I sort of went through that period of our lives when my husband and I were first married. We lived with each other for a year and known each other for two. At first I had to eat the guilt around every corner of my life with him because he made me feel guilty for not even being home on time to fix his lunch and he was starving. He was never abusive physically but mentally he made me feel like eating dirt from a dog bowl while "my master" ate at the dinner table. There were many, many fights because I spent to much time with my parents then I did with his. I was using too much electricity, and above all when I was cleaning the house, doing laundry etc. I had to be quiet because he couldn't hear the tv or he trying to take a nap. He always wanted me to sit with him because "WE" never spent time together on his days off. Other days you couldn't ask for a more wonderful person then "Sir Galahad".

I only say this because I can laugh about it now but at the time it wasn't funny. I was very uncertain how my life would or would not change. Until I became pregnant and I for some reason I found I had more nerve to stand up to him and say "that's it, I had enough". My self esteme was low enough and I refused to be lowered by him any further. I had the chance when it seemed like everything mentioned was consumed in one day that he was "off". His demands, pouting, or whining started. That's all it took, I told him I had to go to the store. When I came back I had a diaper bag full of diapers, bottle, pacifier, and to the hilt with baby food. I handed it to him with his name on it. When he asked why I bought it so early (3 months pregnant) I told him it was for him personally. In it he had a least a weeks worth of clean underwear, food to eat on and a pacifier to satisfy him between meals and a bottle so he won't have to go to the sink very often himself. As I was going out the door I told him once he reaches the age of 30 (his age at the time) to call me. Needless to say I sat at my mothers and cried my eyes out because I knew it was the end. He later came out to me and that was the longest discussion we ever had. Things really changed for the better since he knew I wouldn't put up with the mental abuse any longer and I wasn't going to walk on egg shell anymore. Once I drew the line he knew where I stood.

I Love that man of mine but ohhhhhhhhh the stories of him.

Mcginnis, Hun if I can give you any advise it would be not to let him tear you down. You know his limits and yours, but never, ever let go of who you are just for the sake of his own insecurities. Remain true to yourself. Love and prayers to you *****huge hug*****

wendysue Cake Central Cake Decorator Profile
wendysue Posted 18 Apr 2006 , 7:40pm
post #22 of 25

Thankfully you're not married to him so running from this situation will be MUCH easier for you. This is a control issue, no doubt about it. I've been there and believe me it'll just be one thing after another. I would highly recommend walking away from this relationship. Don't get nasty or leave on bad terms, just find a respectful and considerate way to step away from it. Whatever you do, don't convince yourself that it's worth trying to work through because you've already invested so much time into the relationship. I know we women go there mentally so quick, but he is who he is and my guess is that you're the only one who has a problem with the way he is. He's probably quite comfortable with his ways.

Remember too that you're not married to him, so you're not in a committed relationship. I'd have different advice for you if you were married. Having the freedom to walk away from a controlling man is something to celebrate. You have children who are learning from your decisions and from your boyfriend's behavior.

If you are a spiritual person I'd pray for wisdom and courage. For strength and determination to make things right. God is always ready to listen. Relationships can be a blessing, but not every relationship is a blessing. Sometimes we are better off saying goodbye.

Best of luck to you and your children. I hope that you find the right guy for you! There are a lot of wonderful men out there, not one of them is perfect, but there are a lot of them that don't carry around a lot of excess baggage. That excess baggage becomes your property when you commit to them. Who needs it?

alracntna Cake Central Cake Decorator Profile
alracntna Posted 18 Apr 2006 , 7:45pm
post #23 of 25

I didnt even ready everyones comments before i posted this so forgive if someone else has already said something to this effect...

first, i want to say congratulations to you for standing up for what you feel is right. my mom would never have left her boyfriend, who is now her DH, to spend a holiday with me and my family. I think you did the right thing and your grandson will love you for it all the more.

second men have their time of the month and their menopause just like we do and sometimes they just want to run into a dark room and cry. give him his space. he will call. and if for some reason he doesnt call, maybe something was missing. dont spend your life catering to others just make yourself happy and always be there for your grand babies.

mine hardly ever see their grandma and she lives right down the road.

bodaisy Cake Central Cake Decorator Profile
bodaisy Posted 18 Apr 2006 , 8:39pm
post #24 of 25
Quote:
Originally Posted by ShyannAutumn

Quote:
Quote:

certainly don't need a man for anything specific



ROFL!!!!!!!!!!! I thought I was the only one that told my husband that. Oh toooo funny.




just in case anyone was offended by my remark I am honestly sorry and TRULY embarrassed by what I said. I forget that not everybody is open like me (not that that's a bad thing) I sometimes get diarrhea of the mouth and don't think twice by what I say.... I just suffer the consequenses after the fact. The comment was brought to my attention so again I apologize to anyone offended by the remark....

b

Azi Cake Central Cake Decorator Profile
Azi Posted 22 Apr 2006 , 1:10am
post #25 of 25

I'm so sorry that you are going through all this. It seems that your values aren't the same. It seems that family is one of the most important things to you, which it should be! It seems like it would be very hard to be in a relationship with someone who doesn't put family at the top. I don't know how much you two have in common (value wise) but, it seems that the relationship might be a little unbalanced in that sense. I think that you having this time that you haven't talked to him is probably good. I would encourage you to really think about the things that you believe are at the top of your priority lists and if some of the same stuff doesnt match then I think you might be looking at a tough decision. I'm so sorry that you're going through this and I hope for the best!

Quote by @%username% on %date%

%body%