I just had a baby four weeks ago, but a few days before I had her, I had the following conversation with an older man at church. Now granted, I was ready to have this baby ANY TIME NOW, and was a little irritable, as pregnant women with a 4 and a 2 year old are wont to be...

Old Guy: You haven't had that baby yet?!?
Me: Um, OBVIOUSLY... (I knew he'd either get that I was being sarcastic and would laugh, or wouldn't get it and I'd have still gotten it off my chest. People asked me this a lot.)
OG: Well, can't you just push or something, and get it to come faster?
Me: NO, that would make things WORSE.
OG: Isn't there some kind of pill or something you can take to speed things up?
Me: No.
OG: Well, then you should just go in and get a C-section!



Me: NO, I'm NOT doing that if I don't have to... The recovery takes longer, and it's more painful.
OG: Well, don't they give you anesthesia?



Me: The *RECOVERY* takes longer and is more painful...

I'm not sure if he ever quite understood, but it's brought giggles to my family, anyway!

geesh just tell that guy to go in the bathroom sit down and start pushing.. if he says "i don't have to go to the bathroom yet" just tell him well.. just keep pushing.. wont that get things started?

(bad comparison but closest thing a man can do in that dept lol)

These are too funny. I have to tell on my best friend.
We were in high school and were out riding by the houses of boys we had crushes on. Well this particular guy's driveway cut through his yard. As we pass she realizes he is outside and yells "Roll up the windows. I don't want him to see me."
I could tell stories on her all night. We still tell her to roll up the windows so people won't see her.

I just thought of one on myself. I was at a restaurant with my DD who is 3 and she said she needed to potty. So I take her to the potty get her on the seat and she says she doesn't have to go. I take her down and decide I need to potty and maybe she could try again after me, so I go, pull up my pants, wash my hands, wash her hands, open the door to walk out, and instruct her to go out first. For some reason she was walking funny and as she stepped into the hallway I realized her panties were still around her ankles. Oops! Funny thing...a couple weeks later my DH did the same thing except this time DD stops him in the hall and says. "Dada can we pull my panties up first?".

Another funny. My dh's co-worker (a teacher) who teaches in a portable classroom has a student tell him that having a fire extinguisher in the classroom is a fire hazard. So the teacher takes the extinguisher outside by the front door and wouldn't you know it someone stole the extinguisher. He then tells this story to the principals who already think he's an idiot and they had to explain to him that the kid was pulling his leg.

I respect teachers to the fullest, but one of my mottos is to never speak about something unless you're absolutely sure what you're saying is correct.

I was teaching the daughter of my good friend how to make American buttercream. I told her she needed to use X amount of crisco vegetable shortening and blah, blah, blah. She said, "but I'm doing this vegetarian thing and my culinary arts teacher said that has animal fat in it!". I stared her for about ten seconds speechless. I began to shift my eyes from hers to the can of shortening hoping she'd get the hint to actually read it, she never did. So I picked up the can and read (enunciating very well), "Crisco ALL-VEGETABLE shortening".
Finally she looked at me and said, "Oh! So she lied?" Now that I think about it, I don't know who was worse, the teacher who said that or the students who believed her inspite of having the can right in front of them.

Haha. Tita9499, my good friend does the SAME thing! I don't know if it has to do with her being raised in Africa so there's a bit of a culture barrier there - but everytime she orders from me she tells me not to use the Crisco. I ask her why, she says she's a vegetarian.....I just look at her. I tell her, "You do know its vegetable shortening?"
"Yes, it's got animal fat."
"No, hon, its not lard."

We seriously have this conversation 4 times a year.

Cake maker:

How funny is it that they're adamant that they're correct? I mean I find it funny when people argue that I'm wrong and I do this for a living!
Especially my DH (who by profession is a Medical Laboratory Technician in the Army), he'll try to "drop some knowledge" about something cooking or baking related like when he tried to make a birthday cake for me about 3 years ago. He didn't check to see if had everything he needed to make the box cake and realized we didn't have any vegetable oil. I told him he could substitute mayonnaise since it's mostly oil anyway, he looked at me like I slapped his mother! He told me, "whaddya tryin' to do, make it taste like a sandwich? I don't want to use it cause it'll taste nasty!" I looked at him like, "Uh huh, and did they teach you that in lab school?" I told him to humor me and try it.
When he tasted the cake and realized he couldn't tell the difference, he said, "Man! I sure make a mean cake!" he couldn't look me in the eye for weeks though!

Here's a new one...I dropped some dummy cakes off at a local party rental place today. They use them to decorate the showroom when they set up displays of table settings, etc. So the woman who worked there told me that she has to keep the knife and cake servers across the room from the fake cakes, because people are always coming in and trying to cut themselves a piece off of the fake cakes! That's not only dumb, that's nervy...Would any of you walk into a store, see a large UNCUT cake, and try to cut yourself off a piece? I guess they're attracted to the "dummy" cakes because they recognize themselves in them, ha ha!

one on my husband:

we've just sold our home and moved a few miles away; we have become friendly with the people who purchased our home from us. the other day, my husband asked if i knew their address....ughmmmmmmmm, yeah?!

I think the one about the people cutting the fake cakes is too hilarious for words.
Why is it that our husbands give us the best material for these things...do you think they talk about us on their forums? Hmmmm...
I think every mother can relate to the irritation of random strangers coming up to you while you're pregnant and touching your belly without asking permission. Now they come up to my daughter who has SUPER curly hair and just rub on her head... I'm like, what are you touching my baby for?

Oh I have a great story, just not cake related. I have chinchillas and have been trying to rehome several of them since spring (anyone looking for a chinchilla? lol) I ended up putting an add in the paper and got a couple of calls like this:


caller: "Hi, I'm calling about the chihuahua"

Me: "I'm sorry but it's not a chihuahua.. it's chinchillas"

C: "Oh, so it's sold already"

M: "no, it's not a dog"

C: "oh its a puppy?!"

M: "no it's a small rodent from the Andes mountain region"

C: "oh..uhmmmmm...can you tell me what breed it is and where it originates from"

M: "it's a small furry rodent from the Andes mountain region of south america"

C: "oh, uhmmm thank you very much"


I don't think they still grasp that it's not a dog.

I work at BJ's in the bakery and twice a week we have to bring our frozen food pallets up to our bakery freezer. So I'm dressed in a heavy winter coat and gloves ( in the middle of summer) and wearing a BJ's hat and name badge. I'm pulling a pallet out of the freezer on a pallet jack when a customer looking for something stops me and says "Do you work here"?
Or the lady who comes to pick up her cake and tells us she ordered at the bakery but she's unsure where to pick it up. One girl told her cake pickups are in the tire department and off she goes to tires to pick up her cake!
Or our fresh bagels with a large sign stating they can only be purchased in a 9 pack. Her question to me was how much will one cost? DUH!
Or the best one yet is the customer who comes to the bakery and asks if we sell bread! I'm still waiting for someone to jump out and say smile you're on candid camera!

I have a good one.. I work at a local doctors office. Bring the patient back get vitals ask why he's here and ask what kind of medications he's taking. His response "The Little White One!!!" OMFG. are you serious???

Here's another one

Lady comes in for a yearly pap... work her up give her drapes to cover up with...tell her to get undressed...in comes the doctor to do the pap....Put her in the stir-ups only to discover she has left her panties on. OMG...

and another one

I pulled a chart due to patient calling asking for a refill on his medication. I asked him which one. He didnt know the name of the pill. Says it was the only medication he was taking. So I go to pull his chart to see if there was only one medication listed in his chart. There was but guess what the dumb nurse put "little white pill" are you really serious??? a nurse really put that in someones chart, and this lady actually gives people shots and medications. OMG... So i go and confront the nurse who did it yes she still works there and she said well we didnt know what it was and he didnt know where he got it from. Hello, cant you call his wife or someone who knows the name of the "little white pill" that he's taking.

Thats all for now....will probably think of more later....

Okay, that makes my head hurt just thinking about that second lady....uggg!

How come I only run accross these threads when I should have been in bed a half an hour ago? These are hillarious.

I'm a costumer and I have a story. We had high schoolers come in for a school project and we have an unstated rule that we encourage them to do the research part on their own (we know teachers don't care if they spend money, they want the kids to learn something).

So two girls and two guys come in and want "Alexander Hamilton and Aaron Burr". We say ok, what time period did they live in? "um, like colonial or medieval or something?" Close, but which one? "Um, like, I don't know...does it really matter?". Well, yes. It's the difference between men wearing a dress or pants--fashion changed somewhat in those 400 years.

I had another girl who came in in Super wide flare leg jeans with sequins on them and asked us if we had any bellbottoms she could rent.

And my favorite top reasons that people couldn't return their Halloween costume on time:
1. I can't get up your stairs to return my costume because I shot myself in the foot.
2. I lost my hat in jail.
3. I have most of the costume, but the pants are somewhere in Minneapolis...I think.

duplicate post

OK all these customer stories I have a few to add a few more of my home shopping channel customer remarks. I work taking sales calls for people wanting to place orders and I could write a book on all the things I hear these customers ask! I get a LOT of calls when we have a faux leather coats the customers will pronounce it "fox" leather and it is like $39.99 then midway through they ask if it is real and when I tell them no it is manmade they get upset? ok it is $40 NO it isn't REAL!

Same thing with our diamonds, we sell 3 carat CZ rings for like $35 they ask if it is a real diamond .... NO!!!! and of course again get angry because they thought they just stumbled across the deal of the century!

Hah! This thread is great. When it's not midnight on a night I have to get up in 5 hours, I'll have to read the whole thing. Here's my contribution, though:

My husband is a doctor. He told me about a lady who ended up giving birth in the ambulance and was upset when she arrived at the hospital and found that the paramedics had already named her daughter. She decided it was a rather pretty name, though, and kept it.

Curious as to why a paramedic would name the child, the doctor asked a few more questions. It turns out that the bassinet the child was in was labeled "Female." The woman thought it was pronounced, "Fe-MAH-lee." Can you imagine going through life saying, "Yes, ma'am, I'm Female Jones."

Paramedics have apparently been known to pull a few pranks on those who fit into this thread's topic, suggesting exotic names they've never heard of before, like gonorrhea and syphilis. :O

These are hillarious!!!
I made a dumb dumb mistake at work also one time...we were discussing a fundraiser and the boss suggested a pie throwing...I asked who was gonna have to bake all the pies for it? Didn't realize until then that it was not actual pies, just whipped topping.

Also, last year at Thanksgiving, Grandma was panicking...the turkey did not say how many lbs. it was on pkg. so didn't know how long it was too cook for. finally someone told her to weigh it on bathroom scales.