Need Help With My Daughter! (Long)
Lounge By EverlastingSweets Updated 23 Feb 2007 , 2:09am by EverlastingSweets
I need advice, I have a just turned 13 year old daughter. Good grades, is never on the computer, never on her cell phone, recruited into Duke University Talent Identification program, worse problem, won't do her chores...so what is the problem you ask?
I cannot get her to want better for herself. She is very tomboyish and unsocial. I've tried to help her improve her appearance by cutting her hair out of her face, even though it was against her wishes, she ended up getting lots of compliments. She hates when I make her wear something, she's in tears, I'm in tears, then she comes back from school and says "mom, everyone loved what I was wearing or loved my hair." We go through this ALL the time.
We live in a very well-to-do neighborhood, and so pretty much all of my daughters friends come from good families and aspire to greatness, sort of speak. Then there's mine, who insists on looking like a homeless child!
She wants to be in the drill team in 2 years, problem, she is not social, she won't smile and she's not the girly type. I've tried and tried to help bring out her best, but she keeps fighting me.
Now I just get off the phone with her and she tells me that she wants to go to a punk rock concert. I was just floored!!! I had gone to her school about 2 mths ago after a parent told me that she has been hanging out with the "goth" kids, who are the dress in black kids. Sure enough! So I tell her, to knock it off. Now I find out she's listening to punk music!
I told her, how do you expect to make drill team if you listen to this type of music???? And you're hanging out with these people again??
Her friends that she used to hang around with, which are the neighborhood kids, do not hang with her anymore, and she gets upset when she hears about them all hanging out together.
What can I do ????
Honestly? I would let her be her. Forcing her to be a person that she really isn't, is only going to make her feel like you don't approve/accept her the way she is. Are you more worried becasue she's tomboyish, or what others will think of you because she's tomboyish? I know that sounds harsh, and I'm not trying to be unkind, but it sounds a little like you are embarassed by who SHE is. She is 13....this is a very influential time for young girls. If she doesn't feel accepted at home for who she is, she is going to get the acceptance from somewhere. Personally, I would rather her feel accepted for the beautiful young girl she is at home, so she has good self esteem when she goes out into the world. Kids will hang out with the groups that acceot her. Good luck!
thanks Jen, no I'm not offended, I know what you are saying. But all the time, she talks about the drill team this, the drill team that..I mean, we were all in high school once, we remember the girls who were the cheerleaders and drill team. And when she sees them at the games, she wants so bad to be one. I've told her they are the spirit boosters, they have to be perky, outgoing, confident etc...and I've encouraged her, even put her in Jazz and Ballet to get her going.
I am not in any way forcing her to be something she is not, but to be the something that SHE wants to be,(which is in the drill team,) it would hurt me not to do anything and see her not get picked. Am I making sense? 
I guess she wants my help, but when I try to give it to her, she says I'm trying to change her!
I guess the shocker was that she wanted to go to a friends party, a new friend, so I said Okay. A parent friend of mine, warned me not to take her as she knew this little girl and the group of friends. Well, I took my daughter, we got there right when it was beginning, so no one was really there. I met the parents, seemed fine, I left. I came back, there are 30 kids all in black and chains, slamming each other around to screaming music, and there is my child sitting off to the side because she was knocked down, accidentally. I then went up to the school to meet this new group of friends, and yes, they are sweet girls, but found out later from my daughter, most of them are failing, a lot of them have discipline problems. Then sure enough, what happened, my daughters grades started slipping, at first I was quiet, when I saw the C, then when the progress report came and I saw an F, thats when I put my foot down.
I am accepting of her at home, we dote on her constantly, I've let her start wearing what she wants, but not all black, even if it kills me, but when is enough enough?
hi there,
i totally understand where you are coming from...my daughter didn't do the goth thing, hers was the hip-hop thing and wanting to be "gangsta" and all of that and it was a battle from 13 to 17...she was running with some kids that were nice enough but not positive enough...she is getting ready to turn 18 and i've noticed in the last 6 months she was starting to mellow out and act like a human being again...all i could do was talk myself hoarse to get her to understand that her behaviour was not acceptable in the real world and that she will find alot of doors closed in her face if she didn't change her mindset...honey, i'm talking about gold teeth, tattoos on her neck, the skankified clothes and talking like she came straight out of a video...we fought about everything, especially the gold teeth (i told her that i would kick them all down her throat and she wouldn't have to worry about it) her vocabulary has changed considerably and she is actually very pleasant to be around now... she is dressing with more care now and though she still wants a tattoo, she understands that if she were to get one in a visible place, she might jeopardize her employment chances...i've had my own mother tell me that she is not going to amount to anything (my mother is totally boy-oriented, but that is another story) and i have had to tell her that she is wrong and that my daughter will pull it together, i have that much faith in her and she is...slowly but surely...she wants to surround herself with positive people, she just got a job and she is applying for college...
it will work out for you, i firmly believe it....hang in there sweetheart 
crystal
EverlastingSweets:
My daughter is almost 14 and we had the same problem with her right before she turned 13. She had a lot of friends and was always hanging out with them. She then decided when she entered 7th grade, she wanted to hang out with the popular kids. (These kids also had great grades - always honor roll.) She tried her best to fit in the entire school year and thought they were her friends. She would even come home complaining the mean things they would say to other people and was hearing it from others that it was also being said about her. We tried to tell her that maybe they were not the friends she needed but we didn't know anything. Finally, her 13th birthday came and she invited 20 friends (the popular ones). They all got together and planned on nobody attending her party. She wanted the most memorable 13th birthday and she definately got it, just not what she wanted. She found out on IM the next night that they had planned it and that nobody liked her and they didn't want her in their "group". It was very hard on her and she had to basically say she was sorry to her other friends and luckily they took her back. We were very lucky that we were moving that summer so now she has a fresh start.
I think kids are very unsure of themselves at this age and have to find where they fit. Hang in there and just let her know that you are there for her no matter what.
The harder you push the further she might pull away. Can you talk to her and explain what your concerns are about her new "friends"? Just because they're failing school doesn't mean you need to allow her to! If you have ground rules, and she follows them, is it so bad for her to hang out with these kids? If she pulls up her grades would you feel more comfortable letting her make her own choices?
My daughter is 23 now. She never did poorly in school, but hung out with what I considered kids who were beneath her in high school. She wore black and grey for 4 years (never goth though, thank goodness!). She had multiple piercings (tongue and what looked like a nail in her ear!). She has 2 tattoos. She was quiet and moody. I worried myself sick. But, she never got into any trouble so what could I say??? I knew if I tried to forbid her she's just be sneaky.
In the past 4 years she's given up the black, the tongue stud and the nail. She got her degree and is currently working on her Masters. She's just a lovely young woman. She looks back on High School and laughs.
Goodmorning , Just read your post. Don't worry .you may not like
what she is doing but she will grow out of it. most likely not until
she is out of high school (lol). sounds like she is trying to find herself.
doing things you don't like. This is teen stage. hang on to your heels
hon ,you are in for a ride. the best thing for her is to keep clear defined rules. don't go off of them for a minute . Girls this age must have a guide
I raised 4 girls each different , just make sure she knows you are mom
no matter what. friends come and go moms don't. And as they say don't
let them see you sweat. You are someones mom.
You definetely want to lay out some groundrules, like she must keep her grades up if she wants to hang out with the kids that are not getting the good grades. You may also want to have some non-judgemental conversations where you tell her that you just want to know what she is feeling and she will not get punished for it. I think the biggest thing is consistency. My mother wasn't alway consistent and it was one of the most frustrating things.
I definately agree - lay down the ground rules. I tried to be relax about the same time as my daughter turned 13 because her daddy was in Iraq. Boy did it backfire on me! She started lieing, back talking and her grades did drop a little. I took everything out of her room and that wasn't working so I came up with a list of things she would have to do and each time she acted up, one more got added to it. She had to pick up dog poop from the neighbor's yards and lost her makeup before she figured out I meant business. I had also noticed that she had a few marks on her arm like she had been cutting but were more like scratches. She also threatened to run away! I told her there was the door and that if she choose to do that she wasn't allowed to take anything with her because we purchased it. Then I sent her to bed and told her she could go up to her room and cut herself or run away but the rules were going to be the same in the morning. Needless to say, I didn't sleep at all that night because of it! It did take a while before she figured out I meant business but we still have those punishments and she knows it. We also made her sign a copy of them so she knew what consequences he would have.
Hang in there - there are more of us going through the same things you are and we all have to stick together. If you want to know more of the list of punishments, PM me your email address and I will send them to you.
Ann
thank you all for your replies, it helps me to know I"m not alone in all this. I lost my mother when I was 7, and was raised by my grandmother who was 60 at that time, so she was not ready to go through raising a child again, so there was a lot of neglect. So I really haven't had anyone to show me what to do, I'm just kinda winging it.
I did talk to her last night, no yelling, just showing her I support her, telling her about her grades needing to come back up. Telling her why I was concerned.
Well, I thought everything was fine, but found out, that before I had spoken with her, she had called her dad, told him she wanted to go live with him, told him I didn't love her, etc. Note: she left out the fact about her not being able to go to the concert to him.
I spoke with him and he agreed with me 110% percent, things are very military at his house, so we're thinking maybe about her going to his house for Spring Break so she can see for herself, and maybe appreciate what she has.
Thank you all again, reading what you each said, like I said, made me feel like I'm not alone and you are all greatly appreciated!
That is great that you were able to sit down and talk without yelling. That isn't always easy to do. I know there were days that I would just go off and yell because I felt that was the only way I could get her to listen.
A week may not be long enough for her to see how good she has it at your house even if it is "military" at her dad's house. I know my daughter would have loved to get away to someone else's house when we were going through everything with her. However, it may take several days for the new to wear off and sees that it is going to stay that way. Hope that makes sense.
That is great that you were able to sit down and talk without yelling. That isn't always easy to do. I know there were days that I would just go off and yell because I felt that was the only way I could get her to listen.
A week may not be long enough for her to see how good she has it at your house even if it is "military" at her dad's house. I know my daughter would have loved to get away to someone else's house when we were going through everything with her. However, it may take several days for the new to wear off and sees that it is going to stay that way. Hope that makes sense.
go ahead and send her, but be prepared both you and dad need to support each other and have the same rules. I am so very sorry ,she is driving you crazy. But when she finds out dad says the samething as
mom she will have to be more creative. Also She needs to know that both love her but rule is for now She lives with you and when or if the time comes you will say when she will live with dad. sounds tuff , but you are the parent for a reason. and she needs structure now. I wish I could hold your hand thru this . I too was raised by my grandmother.
I know how you feel. I have three kids and each one needs a different approach. My oldest is really starting to push the boundaries and it is hard. I was a little like your daughter and wanted to be involved in those activities, but was too shy. Once I was forced to join one, I never stopped. My kids are the same way. They need a little push to get involved, but when we expose them to the activities and other children involved in them they are more confident.
I don't disagree with you for helping her learn how to dress and do her hair. You are not wrong, but the hardest part is to help her find the style that is right for her, for you, and appropriate for the occassion. I was a tomboy who eventually loved a dress and didn't love them until I was out of school. There is nothing wrong with a girl wearing a polo and khaki's when every other girl is in a dress.
As for the friends. Get to know them and make a decision. Stay involved with her and invite them over to your house so you can get to know them. Be supportive, but be involved. My son had a friend who's behavior was off and when I finally asked someone I trusted, I found out more and made a difficult decision. My son is not allowed at his house, but he is still encouraged to be friends with him. That is a hard decision to make for a parent and find a way to positively explain it to your child without giving them too much information. I think staying involved is the best thing that you can do.
thank you all for your responses, I'm learning alot. I see where I've made mistakes, and ya'll have shown me different approaches. I know alot of it has to do with my not having my mom around to show me what to do.
I explained to her how she tells me she wants this and that, then I get it for her, and now she wants this that and something totally different.
Alot of it has to do with her being spoiled. I was single for so long and I felt bad about it. I never made her do chores, clean her room, anything. So even now it's still a struggle, every day I have to remind her to do them. I have to remind her everyday to brush her teeth, put on deodorant. I have to get up early to put her contacts in, and fix her hair, she says she can't do it. She gets upset that we don't have a bigger house, not as big as her other friends. Like I said earlier, we live in a very uppity neighborhood, but WE are not rich, we both have to work, and I went from making $30 to now $10 an hour, so it's been a huge change. Plus our house is one of the oldest in the neighborhood, it's 2000 sq feet, everyone else's home (of her friends) are at least 3500 on up.
She came home and told me well so and so's bathroom is twice the size of your bedroom. Well good for them!!!
<sigh> I think since she is all I have, since I have no brothers or sisters, I try to make sure she has everything I never had, but it seems to have backfired on me...
We too have made the same mistake about giving our oldest everything! She had been wanting a Dunie & Burke purse so this summer we bought one at an outlet mall for $80. She paid $40 and I paid the other because she had helped out a lot when we moved. Now she think we should just buy her another one only this one is $175! No way! I don't even have a purse like that. We have always heard well my friends have this. I am a SAHM so I told her if she wanted me to go back to work then she could have all that stuff. She had the nerve to ask me a few hours later, "so when are you going back to work!" Sometimes you just want to strangle them - God sure does give us babies for a reason - they don't talk back! 
We all make mistakes no matter how good of a parent we think we are. Hopefully we are teaching them what they do need to know and it doesn't always have to with money.
that is too funny Navy! Do we have the same child??? Mine asked me for a Doonie last week too! I told her, You have more money than I do in your piggy bank, go buy it yourself!!
She wants a Chi for her hair, and I told her I would go half on it since I don't use it for my hair, she said no, she wanted me to pay for the whole thing!
We are GOOD MOMS!!!!! I need to keep telling myself that...no matter what she thinks.
I think the biggest thing you are going to have to do (besides the groundrules) is start making her do things by herself. Not all at once, that will cause a lot of disruption, but a little at a time would be a good idea.
My mom used to wake me up but stopped doing that when I was 8 years old I think. She gave me an alarm clock and showed me how to use it, and if I was late it was my own fault. And she got me one of those wind-up ones that didn't have a snooze button on it, so if I didn't get up when the alarm went off then that was it.
I was fortunate that my mom taught me how to do things independtly when I was young. My mom did not grow up in a good home so she learned to alot of things on her own at a very young age. I'm glad that she taught me the stuff that she did when she did. My parents split when I was 10 so when we moved to the Milwaukee area when I was 11 I could help with the laundry and stuff because my mom had taught me these things.
I used to put my daughter's hair up until she turned 10! I could do her hair 10 times that morning and she still wasn't pleased. It finally pushed me over the edge and told her as soon as she turned 10 (which was on a day or two away) then I would no longer do her hair. Now she doesn't want me to touch her hair. I didn't get into it with my second child! She started doing her hair in kindergarten and it didn't always look the greatest but she did it and I wasn't going to tell her any different because I didn't want to create the same "perfect" hair child again!
We are good moms - one day they will appreciate us and everything we did for them. When they have children of their own and start complaining like we are now, we will just have some big chuckles!
My mom used to do my hair too, but she stopped doing it because the girls at school would take it down to play with. I used to have really long hair when I was little and it is very thick and the other girls liked to braid it and stuff when I was little.
well, im 15, so i can relate. punk isn't bad, but it isn't good either. but if my mom made me do everything she wanted, i would be an old-fashioned freak!!! I think that you try to be friends with her and dont force her into stuff u want her to do! she will do the opposite, trust me i think everyone has done something that was the opposite of wat there mom said. i hope this will help you.
natalie
I'm not a mom, so take this at face value. (Although, I did help raise my 10 years younger brother . . . who calls me mom #2 and tells me I am much more strict than our parents are.)
First and foremost, never judge kids by what they dress like. Case in point: my brother dresses in black, was a skateboarder (now a dirtbike FREAK!), etc. About the age of 15 he started hanging out with some older kids who were tattooed, pierced, wearing black, etc. For lack of a better description, they were pure white trash. My parents and I sat down and really talked about these things before they reacted, and I truly believe they chose the right path. Insted of fighting my brothers choices in friends, they opened their home and hearts to these boys. Most of those kids didn't have a family to support them, a home to hang out in with friends, etc. My parents worked extremely hard to provide those boys with a house they could always feel LOVED in. My brother is almost 21 now and these boys have become like family. In spite of their appearances, they are some of the most respectful, loveable, kind hearted boys I have ever met. They would go to the ends of the earth for each other and my family . . . and I think we are so lucky that things turned out the way they did.
Maybe its just a regional thing . . . but here in CA punk is normal . . . in fact, I listen to it and I look pretty darn straight laced! Let her explore her interests and express herself. One thing my mom did when I was a teen was introduce me to some clothing stores here in Ca that specialize in more "vintage" styles. I went through a bit of a phase at one point, and insted of dressing like a tomboy I went all out for the 50's style skirts, dresses, sweaters, etc. Its cute and punk in a way . . . she can have fun with it and hopefully you can both enjoy it.
Just remember that we don't all fit the perfect image of what a cheerleader might be . . . but that doesn't mean we cant all be our own cheerleaders. Besides, be proud of her for being an individual and not a follower.
Also . . . being encouraging and involved is what I think saved my parents and brother from becoming enemies insted of such good friends. Insted of fighting with my brother, my parents got involved in his interests. (My dad goes out to watch the boys practice at the dirt track on the dirt bikes every Sunday, etc.) Adapting to your kids individual needs and interests will help you to keep tabs on your daughter.
I did have a long talk with her about supporting her and that I'm glad she is friends with eveyrone. But my concerns I think, are justified. Especially since this group, regardless of how they dress, are not a good influence. Most of them are discipline problems, I just found out that one likes to cut and burn herself. I would be this way, even if the kids all were preps or wore top of the line clothing, it's just in this case, the group is into gothic.
So please don't think I'm against punk or goth or anything, it just happens to be that in this case.
So today she actually got in touch with some of her old friends, and is going to invite some of these new friends over to see if she can all get them to be friends, which I applauded her for.
I'm not forcing her to be what I want her to be, I'm just going off what she tells me to do, which I'm learning changes every 2-3 seconds.
I guess I just have to set some ground rules and go with the flow....
No no no . . . I'm not saying by any means that your concerns are not justified.
I think maybe theres a saying out there somewhere about "Be the change you would like to see in the world."
Show your daughter how to be a caring woman and welcome these troubled kids . . . be their anchor . . . youd be amazed at how easy they will respond to your kindness and what a huge difference you can make.
well ya'll would be proud, my daughter is talking about maybe trying to get ALL of her friends, goth and not, together to form a club or a fundraiser to help collect goods to send to the troops overseas. She said she saw my point and was going to try to reconnect with her neighborhood friends, and slowly drift from just the ones that were the discipline problems. I told her she could keep her goth friends that were good kids, but I was not happy about her being with kids who get bad grades, rebel and were cutting themselves.
I'm very proud of her for wanting to start this project and I think it's a win-win situation, especially for our troops!
Thank you all again! I've learned TONS!
Now...back to baking!
I am in a High School that has many flavors of students. You name it we have it. What I am reading from your post sends up a few red flags. First and foremost an all of a sudden change in personality and friends. You want to trust you child, I know because I also have just one child and worried all the time and still do. One of the reasons your child is changing is because she is being influenced by her piers, unfortunately not positive influence. I would get her hair brush or comb and have it tested for drugs, just to make sure this is not one of the many problems you might be facing. After you have that checked out, get her busy. Either put her to work, babysitting, chores around the house for rewards or have her volunteer with either animals or elderly to let her know someone depends on her. She needs to learn her independence in a positive manner. She can tell time and she knows what a brush is and she knows how to clean dishes, clothes, etc. So tell her she gets to earn her independence through working just like the rest of the adult world. Tell her if she continue on the path she has chosen that she will never live in the lifestyle that she is begging you to give her, instead she will be lucky to get a job flipping burgers. Yes, she might just grow out of it by the time she is 18 if you are lucky, but then kids who are trying to find themselves will latch on to anyone who makes them feel as one of them. It is like a cult following. I see it at school and it is sad that they seem like lost lambs. Most likely, she is just trying to find herself and she will find out that she doesn't fit in with this group. Get her to start writing her own personal journal and maybe she can find what she really wants out of life. Don't do like some parents and think that if they leave them alone, it will all blow over soon. Listening to these kids they just feel left out and don't fit in anywhere.
thank you DLD, coming from a high schooler, you seem to have a good head on your shoulders! Your parents should be proud!
But I know she is not doing drugs, she does have the fear of MOM in her, and like I said, she is a very smart child, I know it's peer pressure, and I told her today, this is a time when you have to use your brain and THINK about the decisions you are making.
Thank you again, keep up the good work!
Thanks for making me feel good, I'm not a teenager. Sorry, I work with these kids and I am very close to many of the ones I described. I am in the Special Ed department and I go to different classes with kids who range from mostly paralyzed to just ADD kids. The classes that I go to are mostly low thinking skills classes for kids that have mostly given up and whose parents are not involved with their lives. When you mentioned cutting, that is just one of the things they do for attention, drugs is another if for nothing else just pier pressure. Usually a negative personality change and drop in grades is an early sign that they might be experimenting not only with pills or needles or alcohol, but many different things that you can not believe. Notice whether or not you discover some things missing around your house. I don't want to scare you, but kids are very clever. If you could hear what they tell me they do your mouth would drop. I hope she stays clear of this kind of a problem, because their friends are a very strong influence to get the down the wrong road. My son was very shy, smart and very short. These three things made it hard for him in High School. He joined the marching band and formed a bond with great kids. He did have a best friend that was crossing a road on foot and was hit and killed by a truck. My son witnessed this tragedy. He became very angry at the world and refused to talk to any counsler. I was so worried that he would become distraunt. It took two years to get over being mad. One thing we made very clear to my son that if he ever did anything against the law and was picked up, that he would be spending the night behind bars. It's hard to tell your child that, but they must realize that there is a price to pay for bad choices. We were considered strict in certain areas and drugs and alcohol were at the top.
Quote by @%username% on %date%
%body%