These stories are hilarious. I just finished watching some stand up comedy by Ron White and he says...

You can get boob jobs, tummy tucks, lasik surgery, but you can't fix stupid.

LOL

ok, here's another one of those yearly doozies of mine; strangely enough, it also involves the white/black issue, although once again it was not meant that way.

as a girl with two brothers, i have lived my life around alot of guys, and i fit in just as well with them as i do the girls. i always used to be the only girl standing in this circle of guys, and they'd always tease me that i was in the minority...ok, stop snickering...i'm sure you're starting to get an inklin where this is gonna go!!!

i'm serving in a small roadhouse restaurant (ya know, peanuts on the floor, big steaks, etc...) in the small town i was raised in in eastern kentucky. the hostess informed me i was getting a large party of 13 or so, so we prepared the tables, the group sat down, and i arrived tableside to take their drink orders. it's all women on their office lunch break, and i'm laughing and joking with them, but there is one seat that is empty. they informed me that they were still waiting on one more person. i go and get all their drinks, and when i round the corner to deliver the drinks, lo and behold i see that the other person has arrived....one lonely solitary man, the husband of one of the women. i welcome him to the group and then make the disastrous comment....................

hold on to your seat.......................

"WOW, YOU'RE KINDA IN THE MINORITY HERE, AREN'T YOU?????"

he had a tentative unclear kind of look on his face...it was one of those moments, looking back and analyzing it now, where you heard the airbrakes screeching on the conversation, and saw question marks form above each of their heads........luckily, not knowing what a cowpile i had created, i went ahead with the comment and said how lucky he was to be the only man stealing all these womens attention.

it wasn't till i was back around the corner that i realized the impact of my statement and how it must have been taken for that split second.. i will tell you, though, that it was probably one of the largest tips i ever received, and that's not shabby!!!

starla

I'll throw my husband under the bus here.

He has never remembered that he likes his eggs "over easy". The term just doesn't stick in his mind. Every single time the waitress asks how he would like his eggs, he answers something completely weird. Some of his more memorable ones:

"You know... gushy"
"Flipped soft"
"Yellow inside"
"Dippy"
"Not scrambled"
"Cooked, but not"

It's gotten to the point where he will just look to me to answer for him, but I do miss those old days!

I go into a bank to cash a check and the teller asks me "How do you want that?" I said, "In cash".

She meant did I want big bills or not!

What made it worse is that I was dating my now-current hubby and he was an officer of the bank, so he heard the story pretty quick. He asked me, "how else were you going to convert that check .... to chickens?"

So now when I go to cash a check, he reminds me to get it in cash, and not in chickens!

I was just thinking of another funny story, this one said by my DH. It was either his or his dad's birthday a few years back. DH looks at me and says "You know, my dad and I are exactly 18 years apart today." I gave him a look and said "Honey, you and your dad are ALWAYS 18 years apart in age." DUH!!! I laughed so hard and couldn't stop telling family about it. He always gets teased about it around birthday time.

Gosh! I just thought of a great one my DH did. He had been kind of sheltered during childhood. This was before we were married. We stopped by Wendy's for lunch after church. He says to me after we finish eating, "I want a ... Chocolate Frosty." I said, "Well that's good because that's the only kind they have." Of course, they do now have vanilla and you can bet I ran right home to let him know he had choices now. I couldn't believe he had never had a Frosty before!

oh oh oh....almost forgot about this one, actually on my husband, not me (for a change! hehehe)

when i was pregnant with our daughter (our one and only child so far), i watched alot of the birthing shows, like "birth day", which basically takes you through the pregnancy and birthing of random couples. well, one day, my husband comes down from his home office to eat lunch, and i'm right at the point where the lady is in the hospital...he wants to change the channel since it's not very appetizing, but i had watched this much of the show and wanted to finish the story. so he's sitting there watching, hating every minute, and when the baby is born, he gets this shocked look on his face. then he says....

THAT BABY WAS BORN WITH IT'S EYES OPEN!!!

i looked at him in amazement, thinking he was joking! he wasn't!!! he thought human babie were like cats, and didn't open their eyes for 3 days or so......this is coming from a former marine, college graduate, now a national account manager of a extremely large corporation who continuously gets major international recognition for his sales record! it just drives home the point though on how us little girls are programmed from the time we're little about babies and such, while boys aren't.

starla

OMG, I have a good one too!!!

It was Christmas Eve last year and we were having dinner at a friends house when he asked if we already had the batteries for all the toys my son would be opening next morning, we of course didn´t, it was 8 pm so I told DH to go to the store and try to get some, since it was Christmas Eve everything was closed!!

On the drive back he realized that the gas station´s store, a block away, was open, so he drives there and rushed inside, they were closing as well and he begged the lady to please sell him some batteries, so the lady agreed (told the story about my son not being able to play with his toys without batteries) Anyway, he gets inside and the lady asked, what type do you want??

He replied, double D´s please!!

Oh yeah, the lady working there had big boobies! Thank God she just cracked up laughing, he was soo embarrasad, he tried to explain that he was thinking of double A´s and not breasts.
I couldn´t stop laughing, bless his heart, he was sooo embarrased.
So we went back to our friends house and they couldn´t stop laughing either!!

Okay - I have one that is not a stupid person story, but kind of funny and appropriate here. My grandmother in her early 90s began to find technology very complicated. She would call my mother up on the telephone sometimes and say "Debbie, the television isn't working - I can't change the channel and I want to watch the news now." My mom would then say "Mom, you just take the tv remote, point it at the tv, and enter in channel 24." My grandmother would then say hold on, and suddenly you would hear beeping on the phone line . . . . she would take the phone, aim it at the tv, and try to change the channel. She'd then come back to the line and say "Debbie, the channel didn't change." This happened so often that we even had the phone and tv marked with labels, not that it seemed to help.

Oh, tkeys, that reminds me of something I did! Right after my youngest was born, I went thru terrible insomnia. I once went 42 hours straight with no sleep. Plus a newborn who was eating every 2 hours and I was in serious sleep deprivation!

I picked up our cordless phone and pointed it at the tv, pushed the button, but the tv wouldnt' turn on. To test the "remote" and see if it worked, I dialed my sister's phone number. I heard her phone rang, so I hung up and tried pointing it at the tv again, and was confused on why the "remote" was working! It took me 3 or 4 minutes and a number of times of attempting to turn on my tv with the phone before I realized what I was doing.

I REALLY needed some sleep!

I'm making a cake for a birthday this weekend. The girl keeps asking my daughter if she can take pictures of it now so she can see what it will look like when it is finished. I'm planning on tonight making all of the different colors of icing. Thursday I'll bake all of the cakes, then Friday I'll decorate it so it will be ready for Saturday afternoon. She thinks that I just pull all of the pieces out of the pantry, like lincoln logs, and will just pop it together.

cassandra-

The story about the person asking when your daughter will turn 2 reminds me of one that happened a couple of weeks ago.

My son turned 2 on Feb 1st. He is very tall (he's in 4t clothes). He talks constantly. When he wants to he speaks perfect english, but when he's in a "conversation" he jibber jabbers in his own language with all kinds of inflections and gestures.

So we were out one day in the grocery store and a woman is talking to him and he's jibber jabbing back and forth with her and she's getting a big kick out of it. Then she says to me "He must think it's so funny to speak his own language." and I said "Yes, it cracks him up, but he's only 2 so he's still getting the hang of English." and she said "He's only 2?" I nodded my head and then she said, and she was dead serious:

"Are you sure?"

Uh...pretty sure...I was kind of there when he was born!

I will tell on myself--my best friend lives in Colorado and email me one night "We have a full moon tonight"

I emailed back "OMGosh--we do too!"

Yep--it can happen to anyone!

Wysmommy,

I guess you would be the one to know!!! I don't know what gets into people at times.

I also thought of one on my mom. Now, she's by no means stupid, but she is "TECHNICALLY CHALLENGED". I bought her a really simple to use cell phone so that I could reach her when she was out. So, the first time she went out, I tried calling her all day, but couldn't reach her. When she got home, I asked why she didn't answer, and she said:

"Do you know how long I was gone? I didn't want to use up all those minutes, so I had it turned off."

I just laughed and explained that the company doesn't charge you minutes simply for the phone being on, but when you USE it!

Speaking of cell phones ~ my father didn't want to get charged minutes for talking so he just didn't answer and had everyone leave messages. He couldn't understand why his minutes were so high when he hardly talked to anyone - he was using them calling his voice mail to check and listen to his messages!

Debbie

Great stories! Here's one: My sister made her very first cherry pie. My mother took a bite and about died, it was so-o-o sour. She asked my sister exactly how much sugar she had added. My sister replied, "Well, none. It's a diet pie. Doesn't that mean no sugar?"

Oh dear me, that reminds me of years ago when my mom owned a cafe. She fell and broke her arm so I had to take over the cafe for 6 weeks. I had never cooked in a cafe except hamburgers when I was in high school. I had to bake pies and set up lunches along with cooking the breakfasts. Well, about a week into this, following a cookbook, my pies were coming out fairly good. There was an old man that came in every afternoon for a piece of pie. He ordered pumpkin and when he took the first bite he started spitting and spluttering and said, "There's something wrong with this pie." Well, when I saw his face, the recipe ran through my mind and I quickly realized what was wrong. I said, "I know, I didn't put any sugar in it." The funny part of it was that I said it like I did it intentionally and everyone in the cafe was falling out of their chairs laughing.

Several years later my mom and I bought a cafe as partners. She did the cooking and I did the waitressing and business end of it. Well, one day at lunch time, this customer took a bite of his cherry pie and started spitting and spluttering. Mom had put salt in it instead of sugar. Needless to say, she never lived that down. To this day (and my mom passed 4 yrs ago) that guy reminds me of it when I see him.

This has been a delightful thread. It's hard to believe there are this many of us that are so stupid. At least we are good natured about it.

Diane

This afternoon, my 11 y-o dd was playing in her room. My father came to my house, and my one and only dog started barking (he always barks at my dad, go figure???) My dd yelled:" who's barking?" I began laughing so hard, my cousin was home and while she was laughing told me dd:" maybe me?"
of course it's the dog barking, duh! My dd yelled back:" that's not funny to laugh at me!!!!" We couldn't help laughing sorry dd!!!

wow..I guess I have a couple more too... my Junior year in high school physics we were talking about the universe, etc. I actually raised my hand and said 'But if the sun is a star, why don't we see it at night?' My friends still crack up, almost 20 years later....

Another was with my daughter when she was about 4...we were shopping in Target and she started playing with these two other little girls ( one was African American and the other Caucasion) so when it was time to leave, I absentmindedly asked her if she had fun. She blurts out 'Yes, but the black girl was mean to me!'. I was absolutely horrified.... I said "Jamie, you don't refer to people by the color of their skin'...she just looked at me sort of lost and pointed to the two girls and said "HER Mom...the one with the black shirt'. Well, one girl was wearing a white shirt and the other a black one and she was refering to the girls by the color of their shirts - not the color of their skin. The little girls' Mother was listening to this conversation ( I didn't realize at the time ) and burst out laughing.... I was so embarassed.

The last one happened when I was cutting raw chicken for dinner one night...I accidentally dropped the knife which landed in my foot. Didn't hurt very badly but I ran out to the garage where my then-husband was and said "I just dropped a knife with chicken juice on my foot - do you think I am going to get salmonella poisoning?" at which point he screamed "Oh my God!! You're going to sprout feathers and start laying eggs!!' and then died laughing.....my daughter was right there and still can't tell the story without breaking into hysterics.

How about this one: getting a tatoo (a name) and mis-spelling it? One of my twin sons friends did this, and he didn't realize it was misspelled until they pointed it out to him.

I've got one about my FIL. My BIL, his wife, and their two kids were stopping off in our area for a few days enroute to a month-long vacation in Hong Kong. So, we have four people travelling with 11 suitcases, including carryons.

My FIL insisted that he should be the one to pick them up at the airport and take them to his house for their first night in California. Oh, and his wife would go to the airport in his car, too. My DH asked him if he was sure that he could fit everyone, plus their luggage in his car (a Chevy Sprint, which is rather tiny), and my FIL insisted, that it shouldn't be a problem. "Worst comes to worst, the younger of the two boys can sit in someone's lap. That would be six people in five seats, so that should be fine."

What about the luggage? "I have a hatchback, so it should be fine."

DH and I called my BIL up and told him we would meet everyone at the airport in our station wagon, to bail FIL out, when he discovered the reality of the situation. As it turned out, we *barely* fit everything between the two cars.

To this day, FIL insists he would have found a way to make it work.

RedPanda

redpanda ~ that reminds me of a couple occasions with my DH. . .

1) We were at BJ's wholesale club shopping. At the time I had a conversion van. While we were there we ended up buying a matress. I told my husband to run home and get the truck while I got in line and paid. He "knew" he could get everything in the van. Well of course the queen sized pillow topped matress wouldn't fit through the door of the van and we pulled a Sanford and Son by putting the matress on the roof and HOLDING IT ON while we drove next door to WalMart to get twine to tie the thing on! We almost lost the matress going up the long hill to our road.

2) fast forward a couple years - i'm now driving a Honda Element (which BTW is much larger than it looks) and we're at WalMart to buy our son a bicycle. Well, we all three buy a bicycle. I told my husband to run home and get the truck while I got in line and paid (de ja vu). He again "knew" he could get all three bikes in the Honda. Well of course (you know where this is headed!)they won't all fit. Rather than admit defeat I drive and buckle my son in the back seat. We re-arrange the seat configuration and manage to get two of the bikes between the back seat and the very back and my husband holds the third bike mostly on his lap with the front wheet sticking out of the window!

Now - this is the kind of thing we laugh at when we see people driving down the road with lumber sticking out of the window, etc. AND - we have a truck at home! Whenever he has a comment about someone else now - I remind him of our escapades!

My DD would kill me if she knew I told you this one, but here goes. My 16 year old DD and my 10 year old DD were at Sam's with my mother and they were looking at some "hour glasses" when my 16 year old looked at my mother and say "look,hour glasses, I wonder how long they go for?" to which my 10 year old looked at her sister and said "duh sissy, they go for an hour!!" my mother said there wer several people laughing at my Daughter

Oh my stomach hurts so bad from laughing, I can barely see through the tears to comment... and I've only read page 1!!!!!

Got a funny to add...
My nephew is 11. When I call my sister's house and he answers, I normally ask 'is your mom home'? He says 'yes' (...........pause........). I then have to ask 'can I talk to her?' He says sure, then goes to get her. Sometimes, he'll ask 'do you want to talk to her?' (I'm laughing so hard to myself so I can't say 'noooooo, I just called your house to see if she was home or not')

OK ladies, I have sat and read all these great stories.laughing the entire time. Thank you.
Now here is mine.
My family normally comes to my home for Thanksgiving , Christmas Day Dinners.
My daughter-in-law asked me if I would mind if she did Thanksgiving Day. I said "sure". I see no problem with it.
So everyone sat down to eat, she brought to the table this beautiful golden turkey. I mean everyone was saying how nice a job she had done, she was just smiles as it was the first time she ever had cooked. The guys went to cut this turkey and it bled everywhere. It was totally raw inside. So I ask my daughter in law how long she had baked it and she told us "all day". As we proceeded to check it out, we came across the giblet bag with all the innerds in it still. I ask why did she not take it out before baking, she told me "she did not know it was there, how could she know, the turkey was frozen when she put it in the oven". She learned that day that one had to thaw the turkey before baking it.Although she wasn't laughing that day, she does chuckle about it now.

For anyone that wants to continue reading stories: http://www.customerssuck.com/board/ - go to the "Horror Stories". You wouldn't BELIEVE how stupid people are.

My stories: well this one isn't about stupidity but it made us laugh a lot. We were at a hotel once and were in the restaurant of the hotel. This old woman was complaining about the coffee they served her. First it wasn't hot enough. Then the coffee was hot but the cup wasn't or something like that. She had the poor waitress re-make the coffee like 3 times and wasn't satisfied. She must have been there on a convention b/c she had a nametag on. I burst out laughing when I read the nametag.... her name was "Hazel Coffeen". Guess she must know her coffee! LOL

I worked at Starbucks and was often put in the drive-thru. Inevitably we would get people that got up to the window and I would tell turn to tell them how much and they would say "I want to order a ____". I would look at them for a minute..... and say "Did you miss the order box"?? "What order box?" Um the BIG order box RIGHT next to the menu??? Have you NEVER gone through a drive-thru ANYWHERE EVER???? You ALWAYS order first, and then go to a window to pay and another window to pickup - OR you go to one window and do both. And then the people would just sit there like "oops" um yeah you're holding up the entire line of people inside AND the entire group of people outside so that we can make YOUR drink b/c you're an idiot.......

I also loved when people asked when people would call to place an order.... for coffee??? Um it gets cold you know..... and we're not going to make all of the customers who are there wait so that we can make your 8 drinks so that you can come by and pick them up "sometime" at which time they would probably be cold (or slushie if you ordered a frappuchino). And um whip cream melts too so it's not going to have that either.....

BTW - I don't work for Starbucks anymore and actually abhor the place.....

Lastly, I worked in the corporate office for a network marketing company. You wouldn't believe how many calls we got with people complaining about something.... our first question was always "did you read the policies & procedures before you signed the contract"? I loved the people that went "no I didn't read it" - Um you SIGNED your name and dated right next to the statement "I have read and understand the policies & procedures and agree to them"!!! Or we would have people call us and say "You've charged my credit card and I never placed an order with you". Inevitably we had charged their card 3 or more times and they were just NOW calling us.... our question then was "did you sign up for Auto-ship? When you do that, you are saying that you want us to automatically charge your card and ship you out a product each month. That is what we did". And then they would want a refund and say we were cheating them.... they SIGNED a form that they had to mail in to sign up for the program..... then they would ask if they could cancel and we would explain that they needed to send us something in writing asking for it to be canceled. Next month we get a call.... "I asked you to cancel my auto-ship". Yes, and we told you that YOU needed to send us something in writing..... you didn't do that did you? Then we can only assume you changed your mind and decided to continue the auto-shipments. Or they would say "i sent it". And we would ask if they got a confirmation e-mail from us stating we received it. "No". Then we didn't receive it (probably b/c you didn't really send it) So we continued to do what you asked initially and what you SIGNED up for..... mailing you your requested product each month..... and you're mad at us??? I also loved the "so and so told me this"..... there is a reason there is a policies and procedures book and that we ask you to read it.... so you KNOW the policies and procedures. (BTW we provided them a copy AND had a copy online available or they could call us or e-mail us and ask us about a policy) It was so frustrating how stupid some people were!!! It's amazing..... isn't natural selection supposed to weed those people out??? How do they survive for so long being so stupid??


Oh crap I have too many funny stories..... my mom and her brother and sister were together one time and one of them asked "What's the name of the dog in Scooby Doo?" They all sat there for the longest time until the "DUH" moment came. Another one w/ my mom - she was with a friend who was driving in the car, talking on her cell phone. At one point in her phone conversation she goes "Oh my gosh I think I lost my cell phone" She goes through thinking of where she could have left it and it must be at such and such a store..... and my mom finally turns to her and says "Gwen, you're talking on your cell phone!" LOL Oh my mom and her friends have a ton of 'em.... but I've gone on too long right now. Hope you find it funny! THanks to all who have shared their stories! I've had a great time laughing tonight!