Irritated

Lounge By sweettherapy Updated 6 Mar 2018 , 6:09pm by Freckles0829

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sweettherapy Posted 13 Feb 2018 , 4:05pm
post #1 of 28

Hi Everyone!

So I am so irritated right now, I’ve been baking a decorating cakes for family and friends for maybe 10 years now, anyway, I have a friend who is not a super close friend, we used to be close when we worked together 3 years ago but now I see her maybe 3-4 times a year if that. Often times she will cancel brunch plans when they are made, anyway she is pregnant with her first child and I get a text from a person I do not know who is planning her shower and this person I do not know asks me if I want to “contribute” to the shower, it took all I had not to respond with “I didn’t realize it would be a potluck, I’ll bring drinks!” Haha!! Not that it matters but her shower will be HUGE! So she basically wanted me to contribute a cake to feed at least 50-75 people! 

27 replies
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bluefox1394 Posted 13 Feb 2018 , 5:06pm
post #2 of 28

I completely understand your frustration and I think that it is an acceptable reaction to have in this situation. I would find the most tactful way you can think of to say no politely and then distance yourself from the situation. Sorry you're having to deal with that. 

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cakefan92 Posted 13 Feb 2018 , 6:04pm
post #3 of 28

You know without a doubt that if you agree to "contribute", you'll start getting all kinds of "I want this" and "you need to do that instead".  It seems you've been remembered simply because you do cakes.  Find something else to do on the day and be unavailable. 

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OHaresTstyTrts Posted 13 Feb 2018 , 6:07pm
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I agree with the above. I would say that unfortunately you aren't available for that day or that you are booked for that weekend. If you don't want to go to the shower, then be unavailable that day. If you want to go but not contribute then say you already have orders for that weekend. 

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sweettherapy Posted 13 Feb 2018 , 6:14pm
post #5 of 28

Thanks everyone, yes, I told the planner that I’m swamped with work and studying for my licensing exam, we will see how my friend addresses me at our next brunch in a couple of weeks :).....if she shows up!!

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MBalaska Posted 13 Feb 2018 , 7:00pm
post #6 of 28

Were you invited to the party or were you asked to drop off a cost-free cake??  If you are attending as a guest then just make a small cake, nothing fancy, expensive or time consuming for yourself, and about 25 servings only.  There will be enough servings for the people who want cake, and nothing left over for some greedy idiot to take home for freebies.

If you are not invited as a friend and ex-coworker, then you are of course, busy and good for you. 

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sweettherapy Posted 13 Feb 2018 , 8:20pm
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Hi! I will be invited, the shower will not be until April and there is no set date yet, I was asked ahead of time I’m sure so they could finalize details on some elaborate cake! The family is very wealthy so if she wants an elaborate cake they can definitely afford one :)

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Freckles0829 Posted 13 Feb 2018 , 8:36pm
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I would have wanted to respond with "Oh I would love to contribute the cake!  And since it is for 'Suzie' I will give happily give a 10% discount."

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sweettherapy Posted 14 Feb 2018 , 12:46am
post #9 of 28

Haha!! I should have but I do not have a business, that is probably why she asked, apparently I have nothing better to do than spend hours making a cake for someone I see a handful of times a year!!!! 

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SandraSmiley Posted 14 Feb 2018 , 2:01am
post #10 of 28

Actually, I think Freckles0829's response was perfect.  What difference does it make that you don't have a business?  It still costs you money to make the cake and quite a lot of money, from the sounds of the size of the party.  It was unreasonable and down right rude to even hint that you "donate" the cake!

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sweettherapy Posted 14 Feb 2018 , 2:43am
post #11 of 28

Thanks guys! I actually do donate cakes to icing smiles and a local organization that provides cakes for youth in foster care, I get my cake decorating fix that way and makes me feel really good, we’ll see if the pregnant friend reaches out at some point!

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SandraSmiley Posted 14 Feb 2018 , 4:15am
post #12 of 28

I, too, make cakes for Icing Smiles, and gift cakes to others, but it is my choice, not because someone "wanted" a freebie.  I still think their behavior was crass.

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Freckles0829 Posted 14 Feb 2018 , 1:47pm
post #13 of 28

Just because you voluntarily donate cakes to Icing Smiles or local organizations does not mean that someone should just expect you to make a cake (and a pretty decent size one at that) for free just because you happen to be kind-of-sort-of friends with the honoree.  They are just looking for a free handout because if you say no you can bet your butt they will have no problem going to a local bakery and paying for a cake.  If anything, they should at least pay you for the cost of all the ingredients and you can donate your time as a gift if you feel uncomfortable charging for a profit.  But you certainly shouldn't have to foot all the costs and if you do that is your gift for the baby shower.

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bubs1stbirthday Posted 15 Feb 2018 , 11:25pm
post #14 of 28

While I do think it's rude for people to expect decorated cakes for nothing when they are not close friends, I also feel that most people think they cost next to nothing to make, not realising that 

A) They are expensive to make 

and 

B) They are time consuming, not just a slap up job where they are done in an hour.

When I make cakes for family celebrations the person hosting the party foots the cost and the time I put in to it IS my gift. I am not spending hours planning/making/shopping/baking and decorating for nothing just to have to then fork out for a present and that goes for anyone from my MIL to my own Grandma, let alone a passing friend.

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canacake Posted 26 Feb 2018 , 3:36am
post #15 of 28

I did a shower cake for a friend after her husband suggested they ask me to do it. 

It was one of the first cakes I ever did for them and I think actually the friends were apprehensive to use me not having seen or tasted anything I had made before. 

I did it for cost and donated my time as a gift. It's not my business and so I thought that was fair. They also gave me a theme and let me choose what I did for it, which again is also fair when you are asking someone to gift time or materials. 

i would just put together a boiler plate, this is what I can do if it is a request of a cake for the gift. I will meet the number of servings up to x amount and time up to x hours, with my choice of design based on the theme. However you fill in the blanks should be based on how close you are to the person and how much you would have spent on a gift. 

if they do t like that, they can always accept a store bought gift.

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sweettherapy Posted 26 Feb 2018 , 6:34am
post #16 of 28

Thanks! I already said no, her friend (host of the shower) made it clear she was looking for a contribution in the form of a cake, money, and/or labor because she is hosting this shower herself, this is the “friend” shower so it’s going to be small. I already received the invitation which states that we are showering the mom to be with love (and presents) that was literally written. I told the friend that if I chose to donate a cake to her that would mean I could not provide a cake to the organization I volunteer for that month, she basically responded “ok, well, if you can think of any other contributions let me know”

 I am not close to the mom to be, we were close 3 years ago when we worked together, I see her now about 3-4 times per year. I have never met the friend asking for the contributions. 

I also reached out to the mom to be hoping that maybe she did not know her hostess was asking invited people for contributions but she was aware. 

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suvimaal Posted 26 Feb 2018 , 9:07am
post #17 of 28

It seems like they need a free cake. I get to do this kind of stuff to pelple i dont hav contact too. but most times best thing is to avoid or make a fake excuse. its good you said no to it. cuz u don't wanna do a free cake for someone who wasn't in touch with u for long time. after all its your business. they just cant take it for granted as a charity. 

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SandraSmiley Posted 26 Feb 2018 , 4:08pm
post #18 of 28

Ha!  Good for you, sweettherapy!  To expect you to make a freeby cake, for that many people that you do not know well, is so rude and arrogant!  Why doesn't she come over and clean your whole house, top to bottom for free?!  It would't take her nearly as long or cost anywhere near as much!  That sounds reasonable, right?  Ggggrrrrrr

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docofthedead Posted 27 Feb 2018 , 1:37am
post #19 of 28

Wait!!!  So this is a smaller "friend" shower for the mother to be, not the actual baby shower?  Everybody invited to this shower is there with the specific purpose of showering her with love and gifts ( I totally understand that is what a shower is for), then there will be a separate baby shower at some point which is larger??  

I'm just gonna say it...what the heck is wrong with people?!?!  I have a hard time with all the greed and expectations.

Admittedly, I am having a horrible day and this type of topic is part of the reason why..lol  The title to your thread is what drew me to it actually, since it seemed to fit my mood...ugh. I haven't been on CC in a very long time and was looking forward to the cheering up from you wonderful cakers!   

I am so sorry Sweettherapy!!  I hate that someone put you in that position!  I'm sure had you offered to do something for this shower, they would have expected more down the road.

I'm glad you stuck true to yourself, and that kids will get icing smiles that month!!

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sweettherapy Posted 27 Feb 2018 , 2:29am
post #20 of 28

Thank you!!! Yes, she is having a large family shower in addition to the smaller friend shower, can you please explain your user name :) I find it intriguing! 

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SandraSmiley Posted 27 Feb 2018 , 3:19am
post #21 of 28

I am betting you are a coroner or forensic pathologist!

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canacake Posted 27 Feb 2018 , 3:22am
post #22 of 28

Or a fan of Sean of the Dead. My bet is on the zombie movie. 

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docofthedead Posted 27 Feb 2018 , 3:57am
post #23 of 28

username has been around for many many years!!  It touches on a previous employment, but more current career aspirations have changed a bit.  I've had the name for so long, I can't begin to ditch it for a new one...lol  I am not a doctor of any sort for sure though!

I am not a zombie movie/genre fan, but have heard it in relation to Sean of the Dead in the past.  Can you explain it a bit for me??

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Freckles0829 Posted 27 Feb 2018 , 1:47pm
post #24 of 28

Having multiple showers isn't wrong.  The only time there is an issue is if those who are invited to the friends shower are then invited to the larger family shower.  At that point you are double dipping for gifts which is a no-no.  But having multiple showers is perfectly fine.  What is wrong about this shower is that the host is expecting those invited to chip in financially.  That is wrong.  If you take on the task of hosting, then all costs fall on you, not your guests, and to basically stick out your hand and ask for money or freebies from those who you are suppose to be hosting is just gross.

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sweettherapy Posted 27 Feb 2018 , 2:24pm
post #25 of 28

Yes, that’s true. I think if her friend who is her best friend cannot pay to host then the right thing to do would have to just have 1 shower and have the best friend help out, instead of asking for cake, labor, costs, etc (her words)

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docofthedead Posted 6 Mar 2018 , 2:00am
post #26 of 28

I agree, asking people to attend any buy gifts fr two showers is wrong.To me it sounds like that is what they planned on doing, but I could be  totally wrong on their intentions.

And absolutely wrong to ask them to contribute financially in any way (including labor and cost of cake).  If someone takes on the responsibility to host, it is their expense.  Although, in all seriousness...what about bachelorette/bachelor parties?  I see them all the time in the touristisy (readbar crawl area) areas downtown and often wondered if the best man/ maid of honor is hosting, do they pay the bar tabs, and cost of the pedal trollys? 

Quote by @Freckles0829 on 6 days ago

Having multiple showers isn't wrong.  The only time there is an issue is if those who are invited to the friends shower are then invited to the larger family shower.  At that point you are double dipping for gifts which is a no-no.  But having multiple showers is perfectly fine.  What is wrong about this shower is that the host is expecting those invited to chip in financially.  That is wrong.  If you take on the task of hosting, then all costs fall on you, not your guests, and to basically stick out your hand and ask for money or freebies from those who you are suppose to be hosting is just gross.


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sweettherapy Posted 6 Mar 2018 , 4:05am
post #27 of 28

I was a maid of honor as a college student and while the mother of the bride assisted me with the bridal shower, I definitely did not foot the bill for the limo, party bus and wine tasting in Napa for 12 girls. If I knew the host and was an actual close friend of the mother to be I would not have thought twice about contributing to the shower but this woman texted me out of nowhere, I’ve never met or even heard of the host of this shower.

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Freckles0829 Posted 6 Mar 2018 , 6:09pm
post #28 of 28

@docofthedead for bachelor or bachelorette parties, those who attend typically agree to split the costs associated with it.  Most times there is one or two people who are the lead planners of these parties, but as planners they need to work within the budgets of the rest of the individuals.

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