How Do You Not Know This?!?!

Lounge By saffronica Updated 5 Feb 2010 , 2:25am by KitchenKat

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saffronica Posted 28 Jan 2010 , 9:51pm
post #1 of 14

My SIL told me about a coworker who came into the office, absolutely distraught, asking if she should divorce her husband. Apparently, she wants to have a baby, and after five years of marriage, she found out that he didn't want kids. It's not that he'd changed his mind, either -- he had never wanted kids. I feel a little bad for her (it is sad, after all), but...

HOW DO YOU NOT KNOW THIS?!?! icon_eek.gif

How do you go five years, plus however long they dated before that, without ever talking about kids? My husband and I decided not only that we wanted kids, but approximately how many, approximately how long we would wait before having them, and the fact that, if at all possible, I would be a SAHM -- and this was all before we even got engaged! I guess I thought that was normal....

13 replies
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Texas_Rose Posted 28 Jan 2010 , 10:03pm
post #2 of 14

Some people just assume that the purpose of marriage is to have kids. My husband and I didn't talk about it much before we were married...we were both raised Catholic and the only way people didn't have kids was if they weren't able, so we both knew we would have kids.

People also change their minds BIL wants a child terribly much. I never knew a man could have a biological clock until I met him. He gets teary-eyed sometimes at my kids' birthdays and he cried during that Up movie at the part where the old man couldn't have kids (awwwww!). My sister always talked about wanting a kid, but having seen what I went through during my pregnancies and c-sections, plus one of my kids having to be in NICU for a couple weeks after she was born and have surgery later, she's not very eager to have kids anymore. My sister is trying to conceive but every month when Aunt Flo shows up, she breathes a big sigh of relief and goes to get a margarita to celebrate.

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AverageMom Posted 28 Jan 2010 , 10:04pm
post #3 of 14

Serious lack of communication there!!

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TexasSugar Posted 28 Jan 2010 , 10:38pm
post #4 of 14

There are many things people that get married don't know about each other. They think that being in love is enough and forget all the important stuff like kids, money and so on. It's sad but true.

I have to say though did she really have no clue at all during those 5 years and before or did she see little red flags and just choice to ignore them?

As a woman in the dating world (ugh!) if a guy is wants to get married and have kids in the future is something I always find out. Because those are two things I want and I am not going to waste my time with a guy that doesn't have the same goals as I do.

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Deb_ Posted 29 Jan 2010 , 12:02am
post #5 of 14

We have good friends that did talk about children before marriage....he wanted them she was very sure she didn't want any.

Well, they were married anyway and after 9 yrs of marriage they divorced.

He told us that he was sure she would change her mind once they were married a few years....but she didn't.

She's very much into her career and has always been upfront with him about this.

The sad thing about this couple is that they are very compatible in every other way and they both love each other very much, but he said he can't imagine not having children someday.

So they divorced.

Now a few years later, neither has remarried or even dated anyone else seriously. They still get together for you know what.

We think they're nuts but it works for them I guess.

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saffronica Posted 29 Jan 2010 , 12:02am
post #6 of 14

I'm not saying that you have to have every detail of your future together worked out before you get married...not that life ever turns out like you think it will anyway. But to not even discuss something so important?

Texas_Rose: Maybe you didn't discuss it much, but you at least knew enough about each other to know that kids were in the plan.

TexasSugar: You're right, a lot of people think being in love is enough. IT'S NOT! No wonder the divorce rate is so high. I really think that if people would put as much time and energy into planning the marriage as they do into planning the wedding they'd be a lot better off.

I guess I was just shocked when I heard that and needed to let it out (somehow my toddlers don't understand!). I'll quit whining now....

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Mrs-A Posted 29 Jan 2010 , 12:21am
post #7 of 14

i was 31 and hubby was 38 when we married and children have never been in our plans but if it was to happen or i was to change my mind i know hubby would come around - i know this because of the one scare (for want of a better word) we had and he stepped up beautifully. we're now 41 & nearly 48 and its never been a issue for us

i think some people go into marriage thinking they can change his/her mind down the track and this isnt a given for all couples. My BIL brother was married to a woman that refused to have children and they were ok with that for about 10yrs and then he changed his mind - they divorced and he remarried and since had 5 kids with his 2nd wife

im surprised that she just hasnt had an accident and became pregnant without her hubbys consent - this is NOT an ideal thing to do to a person but im sure it happens

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Mensch Posted 29 Jan 2010 , 6:09am
post #8 of 14

Even when I was dating I always let it drop on the first or second date that I didn't want kids.... always. That way, in case it got serious, the guy would already have known.

I actually dated a guy for two years and he was always aware that I didn't want kids. We got engaged and he started talking about how many kids to have and when we should have them. I was like, Dude, we've talked about this.... I don't want kids! He then admitted that he'd always thought I was just saying it to make myself more attractive to men so that men wouldn't feel trapped an pushed into marriage. I was so insulted that he had such a low opinion of me.
We did break up over this, because I didn't want kids and he did. Oh, that and the fact that I refused to change my last name if we had married.

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Mrs-A Posted 29 Jan 2010 , 6:52am
post #9 of 14
Originally Posted by Mensch

.....Oh, that and the fact that I refused to change my last name if we had married.

we've been married nearly 10yrs and about 3 weeks ago my own sister found out i still havent changed my name, i said to her "havent you been getting my christmas cards with our sender label on the back?" icon_rolleyes.gif

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kjskid Posted 29 Jan 2010 , 3:38pm
post #10 of 14
Originally Posted by Mrs-A

im surprised that she just hasnt had an accident and became pregnant without her hubbys consent - this is NOT an ideal thing to do to a person but im sure it happens

LOL! That's how I was born...the third and last child. icon_wink.gif Funny, though, I ended up being my dad's favorite.

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Pookie59 Posted 29 Jan 2010 , 7:03pm
post #11 of 14

Maybe she was in denial. Probably the signs were there, but people are so silly - they actually think the people they marry will change after the ceremony.

My sister's second marriage tanked on a similar issue. They bought a big house - she thought that meant "let's have babies!" Turns out that was the last thing he wanted. The only "baby" in his life was his BMW. Can you say "divorce lawyer"?

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Butterfly27 Posted 31 Jan 2010 , 12:54am
post #12 of 14

I just don't understand anymore. Why don't people communicate? I think the key to a successfull marriage is communication. My husband and I decided on our first date that we didn't ever want kids and here we are 14 years later and we still have the same feelings. We had to raise our brothers and sisters growing up because our mom's were single working 2 and 3 jobs to support us so we had no childhood of our own. So now we are happy just the 2 of us with our cat. We always talk about everything. Maybe people just don't like talking to their spouses anymore. I don't know. I am confused.......... icon_rolleyes.gif

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mbelgard Posted 4 Feb 2010 , 9:23pm
post #13 of 14

He could have wanted children and changed his mind at a later date.

It happens fairly often. People go the other way too and decide that they do want children after they have permament birth control, it's why doctors are very reluctant to do anything lasting on young parents and childless people. My younger brother has been trying for years to get fixed, he's engaged and they don't want children but he's only 29 so he hasn't found someone to do it.

After our second child the doctors were reluctant to do anything to my husband because he was in his mid 20s and we only had a couple kids and the younger was only a few weeks old but they had to because of the policy at the hospital. They did want him to wait a few more years but we didn't.

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KitchenKat Posted 5 Feb 2010 , 2:25am
post #14 of 14

There are many things we take for granted in the face of love. It may simply never have come up because she assumed he'd want kids like most other people. He should have told her though.

Heck I've been married nearly 20 years. I only found out last night that my husband was never a church goer until after we got married. Not exactly a deal breaker but very surprising, to say the least. (Sorry for the aside)

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