Ugh..know It All Fil..how To Keep The Peace
Lounge By sweetcravings Updated 9 Jul 2009 , 12:17am by indydebi
The only thing I think I can add is to point out that you did NOT put your husband in the middle of this hot mess, he did that and continues to do that himself. I am the first one to understand that often there is no right or wrong, most disagreements are just expressions of different points of view and all can be right.
Then again a few things are JUST PLAIN WRONG! Like telling a kid he should want to sleep with girls. If your husband refuses to take a stand on this I can't feel sorry for him being in the middle. If you're in a hole-stop digging! There are times to keep the peace and go along to get along. This is NOT one of those times. As parents we are supposed to be the "cops" (yeah, we've played good cop, bad cop to our kids) but this time I mean we need to protect and serve. Every Dad should first protect their kid no matter who is being inappropriate. In my book there is no long conversations about this. Simply said, "I will not let you talk to or about my son like this-period" If it continues-discussion won't help. My grandma always said-don't waste time talking sense to a crazy person! Simply get up, say goodbye to them and calmly leave. Refuse to lose your temper. Refuse to argue. Refuse to be present when this nasty talk is going on. Refuse to get into giving long explanations. Grandpa keeps doing this, because he can. Everyone until now just sat there and let him do it, then later when he was called out on it he used emotional blackmail on them. It is difficult to know that the older folks are "crying for a week" but maybe you need to find out if it is healthy remorse or something from their little bag of tricks to guilt people into doing what they want without them having to make amends.
IMHO no matter how old you are, or who you are you will change your behavior only if you stop getting what you want from it. When you keep getting a negative consequence from it, you'll change it.
I know Im coming to this thread a little late, but here it goes.
I think you should let your in-laws watch the dog, so you and your DH can get away. Things seem to be pretty strained right now and a little get-a-way (no in-law talk) might be just the thing to bring you two back on track. You dont have to ask them to watch the dog let your husband do it.
Ask yourself how much do you love your husband. Im thinking that its a lot, so you need to be very careful not to rant/vent to your husband about his parents. Even though theyre far for the in-laws you would have like, theyre still his parents and he might begin to resent you for putting him in the middle of the battle. Im thinking that your DH has been verbally abused his entire life, and thats something that can be very difficult to overcome He may never be ready to cross that line, but nobody said you cant.
You should confront you MIL and FIL (after the mini vacation) without your husband or child. Dont call them just show up, so they dont have time to prepare for your visit. Tell them you dont appreciate your FILs comments made towards your son about dating, girls sleeping in his bed, etc Also let them know that they can offer an opinion on how their grandchild should be raised, but that doesnt mean you and your DH will go along with it, and that it's just something they will need to accept. And, if they do offer an opinion, it needs to be voiced in such a way that it doesnt make you feel uncomfortable.
Now, depending on the outcome of the conversation will depend on how you end it, so if they continue to be negative dont be afraid to tell them that youre unhappy with the outcome of the conversation, but because they were unable to meet your needs in this relationship that you feel it would be best for you and your child stayed away for a while. (Your husband may not be able to put his father in his place, but you seem to be up for the job.) The most important thing is to not let your FIL get to you, because people like him thrive on overpowering others; making them cry or forcing them to become emotional. Try to stay as calm as possible when you talk to them. And, if you decide that you just cant go over to your in-laws house anymore, then sit your husband down and in a very, very short conversation, and tell him that you tried to work things out with his parents, but they refused to meet your needs in this relationship, and that you think its best if you and son stay away until things change. Dont give any extra information. Make it a very short and to the point conversation, as if you were deciding what to make for dinner.
I pray that everything works out for you, and that you are able to work things out with your DH.
It seems like your husband cann't stand up for you and your son. Instead he has elected to just try to smooth things over and play both sides of the fence. He just doesn't get it about the role of a parent and husband is to put them first and to protect them at all cost. Yes, even if it means standing up to parents.
My dh was the same until I told him if he wanted to stay a boy to them, then he could go live with them, because I had no problem raising my son to be a strong individual.
Once he learned that he could speak his mind and stand up to his father, it was much easier the next time there was a problem. He and his father never had a great relationship, but after he stood up for our family, his father had much more respect for him and did not act out much anymore.
I hope for your family's sake that husband can stand up for you and that he too will earn his father's respect, otherwise he is still his daddy's little boy that needs his guidance.
As for the dog, do you have a neighborhood boy that needs to earn a few dollars and could tend to your dog? There is usually a school age child that would be dependable and would love the responsibility for a short time summer job.
It seems like your husband cann't stand up for you and your son. Instead he has elected to just try to smooth things over and play both sides of the fence. He just doesn't get it about the role of a parent and husband is to put them first and to protect them at all cost. Yes, even if it means standing up to parents.
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That's EXACTLY how i feel. I think that's why i'm so angry. I feel like i wasn't defended when i needed him the most.
We decided not to go out of town. Last night we couldn't even talk without argueing, so the discussion about going out of town today never happened. Plus i went to bed with a miagraine headache and awoke with it..such stress. DH is trying to make small talk but i really am still hurt about the whole thing.
I have a different perspective. I was in a similar situation where there was tremendous friction between in-laws and me--different set of details but the same friction.
So having come out of it alive--they are all gone now--looking back I wish I had opted to be more accomodating in one way but I don't know--I (finally) stood my ground and it came back to bite me royally. Those were my particular details.
Right now I think I'd be happier if I had handled it different but I also think I did the best I could at the time and there were good results. But it also almost killed me literally.
But I guess all I want to say is--yes a wrong was done. Yes his Dad sounds like a perfect ass. Figuring out how to live with it--not condone it--but laugh it off--learn to adjust around it--not accept it--learn to deal with this bully--this will be best life lesson for you and your child/children.
Think of how your husband is torn in two also. Sure sure he should come riding up in a white horse and bring world peace too--but he's just a man after all.
Applying the oil of healing is a possible option. Forgive and work smarter next time. Making hard and fast rules and then divorcing family members (fil) carries lifelong everlasting pain for all members of the bunch. Having been as ass ends when that life ends--and it will.
I don't know--think about what kind of memories you wanna have generated when it's all over. Your son will hear much worse than that in his life--use it as a lesson. Say like 'It's difficult to visit grandpa but...'
And I don't mean lay down and take it. I mean figure out how to deal with it other than divorcing the fil. Separation yes but with some supervised/guarded visitation.
Hard earned thoughts for you.
Honestly, what he said, as eggregious and provocative not to mention ignorant as it is, is not worthy of a full on divorce (with fil).
You said it in the subject of your post--keep the peace--it's worth fighting for.
Thanks k8..you do make some valid points. I think we will eventually be able to be in the same room together, it's just i need some space at the moment. He really made me feel personally attacked and for that i have lots of anger to deal with. If i were to go there now, it would be VERY uncomfortable because the silence would be deafening. My son, yes, he will have a relationship with him BUT i will always think twice about unsupervised visits. I hope time will heal this wound.
The mood in the house is getting a bit better. At least my husband and i are talking again. We actually had a civil talk yesterday so that's a step in the right direction.
Some valid points yes...........but it takes 2 to make a relationship work and it takes those same 2 to keep the peace. It can't and won't work if only 1 party is willing to try.
You did nothing wrong here, your FIL did and he should be made aware of that. He should apologize because you too are human and have feelings and then hopefully the 2 of you will be able to "tolerate" each other for your DH and son's sake.
Believe me if my in-laws were not my DH's parents I would NEVER associate with people like them. I tolerate them and I'm cordial and hospitable to them when they come to my home, but I definitely don't like a lot of the things they (really just my FIL), say or do.
I love my DH more then anything, we've been together since I was 16 and I'm 46 now...........I know how important it is to him that I get along with his parents and THAT is why I do my part, I don't ever want to hurt him. It's not his fault that his parents are a$$es! 
Just try to think of your husband and how much HE means to you and it will get easier with the in-laws........and they won't be around forever, k8's right.
You both are right, i need to make some sort of peace in this situation, it's just gonna take time. I mean, i've been dealing with this for many many years and tolerating it. I've distanced myself more and more over the years but still we have been able to keep the peace thus far. That's not to say we haven't had problems in the past..we have. Many a time my husband and i have argued over them over something they've done. If it weren't for my husband, i too wouldn't associate with his dad. Yet, the reality is, he is my husband's dad and as much as i want him to go away, it's not likely. DH doesn't seem ready to completely stand his ground yet, although he has tried. He has definitely stood up to them more and more as the years have passed. Perhaps one day they will see that their actions are drawing us farther apart, not closer. Will he apologize, i highly doubt it. He never has, and always uses the excuse of 'things didn't come out right,"or "you misunderstood what i was trying to say". In fact he told my DH that sometimes they 'tell' me things because they know my husband won't listen to them. So it seems they feel i'm their in, man are they wrong.
I've distanced myself more and more over the years but still we have been able to keep the peace thus far. That's not to say we haven't had problems in the past..we have. Many a time my husband and i have argued over them over something they've done.
This is what my siblings and I discovered when we had the same issue with my parents. That even tho, thru all of OUR efforts, we managed to "keep the peace", each of our households and marriages were in an almost continous uproar over the issues that we were shoving deep down inside of us, instead of confronting and dealing with them. As the saying goes, we put the monkey on THEIR back and since we have cut that toxicity out of our lives, all of us are much happier and our marriages are much better off.
He has definitely stood up to them more and more as the years have passed.
That's sincerely good to hear. Each step is a baby step, but it gets you there.
Perhaps one day they will see that their actions are drawing us farther apart, not closer.
No, they won't People like that believe they are right, that ONLY they are right, and they are ALWAYS right. Never, ever EVER will they say, "oh gosh darn gee, maybe they scream and yell at each other because of something *I* did. Maybe things are tense because I'm a big a$$hole when they're over here." It'll never happen. Hoping your parents become normal is a child's dream. It won't happen.
..... always uses the excuse of 'things didn't come out right,"or "you misunderstood what i was trying to say".
This is SO freakin' typical of this type of peroson. In my case, my parent was/is a cronic liar. When backed in a corner, or when busted for one of her lies, she just tried to play victim and lie out of it. It was always someone ELSE'S fault. She was never responsible. Never.
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