A Little Consideration Never Killed Anyone

Lounge By KitchenKat Updated 18 May 2009 , 5:29pm by umgrzfn

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KitchenKat Posted 16 May 2009 , 4:13am
post #1 of 13

Long story short my husband's only brother is getting married in June next year. We live in another country, 18 hours flight away from the States so getting to the wedding would be a major production. We and my in-laws asked the groom if they could hold it later in the month, instead of in the first half of the month so that our family would be able to attend. Our children still have school on the scheduled wedding date and our oldest has his final exams of high school. One week either way of the original date would make a huge difference but no. BIL refuses to change date. Consequently my oldest is not going to be able to go and naturally I have to stay home and make sure he's studying and doing okay.

It crushes me because my son was the most excited of all of us and he's the one who won't be able to go. He idolizes his uncle. And my DH's family is very, very close. This is a huge wedding of 400+ guests with every cousin, aunt and uncle invited. It kills me that the groom doesn't value us enough to make sure we are included. Never mind me but what about his only brother and the children!

I told my dh if our son can't go then none of our other children will go too. There's still school and I don't feel it's worth absenting them for a week to go to that wedding now. (I know this is spiteful of me but this is just how I feel at the moment and perhaps when the hurt wears off i'll reach a different decision)

My DH is chinese so family is very important. I just can't believe the bride and groom won't make any concessions to enable us all to go. It's like a billboard proclaiming: We don't care! Sad sad sad.

12 replies
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en-passant Posted 16 May 2009 , 4:26am
post #2 of 13

Look at it from their side: they may be valid reasons as to WHY they can't won't move the wedding date. Reasons that they may or may not be willing to share with others.

Stop sniffling and feeling sorry for yourself, take the kids out of school and attend the wedding. It'll be fun. There'll be cake. If it's gross then there'll be something valid to rag about. birthday.gif

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Texas_Rose Posted 16 May 2009 , 10:51am
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Maybe your son will be able to take his finals a bit early. Even if he could get the ones on the later part of the week moved, then your husband and other kids could go for the whole week, and you and your son could go for the wedding itself.

Since it's still a year away, try not to get too worked up about it. A lot can change in a year.

And I do agree with you, if your son's finals can't be rescheduled then they absolutely shouldn't be missed.

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Deb_ Posted 16 May 2009 , 11:04am
post #4 of 13

You're mad because someone won't change their wedding date to accomodate you? icon_rolleyes.gificon_eek.gif Sorry but that's a bit *inconsiderate*. If there are over 400 guests, then I'm sure there are many others traveling there too.

It doesn't sound as if your Son is a Senior or will be graduating at this time, so I'd be shocked if the school wouldn't allow him to take his exams a few days early.

You have an entire year to prepare the school for it, and I'm sure if they knew it was for something as important as going to China for a family wedding, they'd be willing to work with you.

If they don't then I guess your Son won't be able to attend, but I think it's wrong of you to "TELL" your husband that you won't allow your other children to go either. That's just unproductive spite and it will cause a lot of friction between the two of you.

I think once you sit back and think about this you'll see your BIL's side of things too.

Sorry for the "finger wagging", but indydebi hasn't shown up yet! icon_lol.gif Heck, we all need one from time to time, and I don't mean this to sound mean at all.............no tone in this advice, just another perspective.

Good luck!

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mbelgard Posted 16 May 2009 , 1:21pm
post #5 of 13

First your BIL might be unable to change the date because of things beyond his control. The venues might have only that date open or caterers might be fully booked on the weeks on either side.

It could also be an important anniversary for the couple that they want to marry on.

For your children try working with the schools. Most schools are perfectly willing to work with parents about family trips, I've never heard of a school that wasn't willing to give permission for family trips. Contact the school now about working with you over the tests, that way you will be able to plan for your trip properly.

Unless your children are really struggling there is no reason to be worried about a week away from school. I know teachers who have pulled their children out of school a couple weeks to attend graduations and weddings of family memebers.

Also remember that if your BIL changed the date for you there would be someone else who couldn't attend because of stuff in their lives.

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Ursula40 Posted 17 May 2009 , 4:19am
post #6 of 13

If your DH's family is chinese, it might be, that either the date is booked, so they cannot reschedule (but that goes for all nationalities) OR, and this is the crunch, this date is auspicious. Most chinese I know have the date calculated by a soothsayer or priest and he tells them, whether the date is good for the couple or not. Plus there are certain lucky days in each and every year, and these are booked WAAAAYYYYY in advance. To me it sounds as if the wedding will be here in China? If so, then yes, it might well be, that they cannot reschedule, it has nothing to do with you but with chinese traditions.

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KitchenKat Posted 17 May 2009 , 4:48am
post #7 of 13

Firstly I guess, I used the wrong word, nobody asked my BIL to change dates. He was just asked to consider moving it later or earlier so that we could go. There are no firm plans apart from the fact that they want it on that date. I acknowledge that that date is important to them.

I don't expect everyone to understand what it's like...every family has it's own dynamics and traditions. I totally understand that the wedding date is the bride and grooms perogative. I even understand the thing about the date being an auspicious choice. I totally appreciate your perspectives.

My oldest son is a senior and he'll be taking his International Baccalaureate exams which is a globally scheduled exam so there's no changing the dates. It's the most important exams of his high school life, upon which his university options will be based. It's 12 exams in a about 2 weeks, and they can be scheduled on both weekends and weekdays, so it's pretty much a done deal that he can't go.

I guess what hurts more is that there's no communication from the groom, no feedback, nothing. MIL, who's as upset about it as I am, said that when they told him to consider that we can't go on the said date, he just shrugged his shoulders. Even a word acknowledging that it's sad at least one son can't go would've been nice. Every other event in this family has been planned to allow at least the nuclear family to be complete. Oh well....

Like I said I feel this way now because the hurt is still too raw.

But I like what someone said about going...and bitching about possibly bad cake. he he he

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Ursula40 Posted 17 May 2009 , 5:14am
post #8 of 13

I can feel for you, don't get me wrong. I come from a large family, am the oldest surviving member, except for my stepmother and we live on all continents except Africa. We try and get together once every 2 yrs but this year will be the first time in 8 yrs, that ALL my brothers and sisters will be able to make it, and even now, not all nephews and nieces can make it. Yes exams here as well. There will always be a childbirth, an exam, change of work, not being able to take off work, sickness.... the larger the family is, the more difficult it becomes, try and don't take it so personally. I can understand your disppointment, and your son's, but sometimes it can't be helped. I have seen many weddings here and they are extremely stressful. The men tend to try and avoid all difficulties, my husband's colleague nearly called off the wedding, bc he was so stressed. They took the wedding pics a half year in advance (mega money was shelled out) then one ceremony after the other, the bride, well I'd rather not comment, she nearly drove him bonkers. She called and he jumped, he had no say whatsoever in anything, he was only there to hold open the pursestrings. But they usually calm down after the wedding, they now have a son icon_smile.gif and he is one happy man

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Deb_ Posted 17 May 2009 , 2:21pm
post #9 of 13

Hopefully this will help you. I have a friend who's child took this exam a couple of yrs ago. I e-mailed her to ask about the exam schedule and this is the link she sent to me. She said the exams are usually always given in Nov and in May (because of college applications).

If this is the case in your area, which it seems the standard nationally, your son should be able to attend the wedding in June.

I hope it is for all your sakes.

Good luck to him as he prepares for college!


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Auryn Posted 18 May 2009 , 2:15am
post #10 of 13

I have no comment about the whole wedding issue.
I am however an IB (international baccalaureate) graduate.
I graduated in 1999

there is nothing on this green earth that will make those exam dates move.
It is a very strict international program. The exams take anywhere from 5-10 days and each exam can be up to 5 hrs long.
Basically the kids, during their junior and senior year in high school take 7 IV league university level classes each year.
Its a grueling program and they won't change those exam dates.
The president of the US could ask them to change the dates and they wont.

These are really important exams.
Depending on how well they do, they can start their college careers as second semester sophomores. thanks to IB I started college at 17 as a second semester sophomore with a full ride scholarship.

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Auryn Posted 18 May 2009 , 2:00pm
post #11 of 13

I forgot to add
the tests are not graded my the kids' teachers.
They are sent out - sometimes out of the country- and graded my other teachers or proctors that are part of the program.

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Karema Posted 18 May 2009 , 5:05pm
post #12 of 13

Ok I think I have this correct your BIL is getting married and has set the date and you are upset because your son can't make it and would like them to move the wedding a week up or back so he can go with the family?

I'm not trying to sound mean right now but the one who is being inconsiderate is you. It is their day and it is about them. Your son is just one person and why change the date for one person especially if you have invited 400? I could see if it was the parents of the bride or groom that couldn't make it but it's his nephew. When I got married I planned the dated and several of my aunts couldn't make it or my cousins and they wanted me to change the day. I said no because it was my day. That is why I sent out RSVP check whether you can make it or not. I did not care what they had to do because I didn't need to know all that info. I just wanted my day to be special and whoever could make it was welcome. If they couldn't make it then oh well sorry you missed it.

So I say all this to say that it is their day. Your son is important but not more important than their wedding day. It is sad that he can't be there but don't take it personal. The wedding is still a year away and you have time to make plans. Maybe your family can go closer to the wedding date and then leave your son with friends or family let him take his test and then join the rest of you in china. Then you can make it a celebration that he is done with test and stay for a week. I hope that I don't come across wrong because I'm not trying to. Just think of how you would have felt to move your wedding date because someone couldn't make it.


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umgrzfn Posted 18 May 2009 , 5:29pm
post #13 of 13

I agree with everything said, however...I understand the hurt especially since your BIL and son are close. As said previously there may be things that are out of your BIL's control. Him shrugging his shoulders may not have been an "o-well, I don't really care" or could have been an "I can't do anything about it no matter what". Wedding's are planned so far in advance that there really may not be anything they can do about it. It's ok to feel hurt, but not ok to blame the BIL for not being able to change the date.

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