Going Through Divorce, Need To Vent:

Lounge By LaSombra Updated 1 Nov 2008 , 10:01pm by LaSombra

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LaSombra Posted 31 Oct 2008 , 3:20pm
post #1 of 13

To make a long story short, my husband has done it all, drinking, cheating, lying, emotionally abusing (putting me down, etc), being irresponsible with money, selfish in bed...what finally broke the camel's back, so to speak, was a night that he got drunk and hit me, called me names, etc...even took advantage of me in my over-imbibed state (I don't normally drink but did that night).

Anyway, that was over a month ago...when I finally said enough is enough. I feel so much happier now, even though he's not physically gone. He sleeps in the family room. We have three boys and so that makes our situation more difficult financially and emotionally. To top it off, I got pregnant, my guess being from the night he took advantage of me being drunk. However, I just miscarried a couple days ago and am seeing the doctor about that.

He was devastated to hear about losing the baby. Yesterday, he was having chest pains, his arm hurt, he couldn't breathe well so we took him to the emergency room. It turned out to be an anxiety attack and hyperventilating. He's sleeping in there now...

I hate the way I feel. I feel like I should go back to him just to make him feel better. I feel guilty. Hell, my mom makes me feel guilty. She thinks we can work things through. We are going to a counselor. We had our first appt on tuesday and will go back next tues. I figure it will help to communicate throughout the divorce process, if nothing else.

I just can't bring myself to go back to him. I hate the way I behave around him when I am his. I get very submissive, afraid I might say/do the wrong thing and upset him.

I haven't yet filed the papers. I was about to when I discovered the pregnancy. Then, I decided to put off the paperwork until after the pregnancy. Now, nothing is holding me back except being afraid he'll go off the deep end and...I don't know what. quit his job, leave the country, kill himself? who knows...?

This is just so emotionally draining on me. I have no support from anyone. Everyone thinks we should work things out...everyone as in older family members. My good friends are supportive but live thousands of miles away. We moved a few years ago to be closer to the family and while I do have friends here, they're not close friends.

*sigh* sorry for my long rambling and thanks if you've read all this. I just needed to vent icon_sad.gif

12 replies
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mbelgard Posted 31 Oct 2008 , 4:13pm
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Don't let your mom make you feel guilty over your decision. It sounds like you've tried for years to make this marriage work and from what you're describing I'd say that you've stuck this out longer than you should have.

You can't allow this man to abuse you just because you're worried about what he'll do to himself. Remember that his actions can't be controled by you.

You don't say how he treats your children but I would guess that your children at least see what's going on.

If he's abusing them I promise you that as adults they will resent you for staying with him. My father was emotionally and verbally abusive to us as children and my mother's defense that she stopped it when she was around and could doesn't help her case. While my father wasn't really physical I don't remember a time when he lived at home (Army family) that I wasn't afraid he might beat me.

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LaSombra Posted 31 Oct 2008 , 4:18pm
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yeah, he has too high of expectations for them. He's been known to get mad because they don't do well enough in a soccer game and such...He was once mad for hours because one of our kids didn't wear socks when we went out.

There's just no pleasing him. Now, he says he'll change. Everything will be different now if I just "give him one last chance." The thing is, I just don't love him anymore. Even if he did change, as promised, I don't think I can change the way I think/act around him.

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lepaz Posted 31 Oct 2008 , 4:35pm
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You can't please everyone, so why not just please yourself!? You are in control. My ex cried and threatened suicide whenever I said I was leaving (this is after each time he slept with a new co-worker). Finally, couldn't do it anymore, I had two baby girls to raise and there was not way in HADES that I was going to let them grow up in this environment where it's OK to treat the woman you "love" like crap and cheat on her. Do you want your boys to think it's ok to treat women like their dad does, because if dad does it and mom doesn't do anything about it, it must be OK. I wanted more for my girls and it wasn't going to happen there with him so I left for good-guess what??? He still lives and he got over it. So did everyone who wanted me to stay with him and "work" it out.
Also, keep in mind, they want you to work it out, not because they just LOVE your hubby, but because they are worried for you. If you are firm and let them know you have a plan and you are doing this they will probably throw more support your way. Make your decision and go with it. Good luck!

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michellenj Posted 31 Oct 2008 , 5:49pm
post #5 of 13

You poor thing. It sounds like you are doing the right thing, as tough as it may be. Write down all the bad things he has done to you, keep it with you and read it when you start to feel weak.

(((((big hugs)))))

We're here for you!


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Mike1394 Posted 31 Oct 2008 , 6:18pm
post #6 of 13

I wish you the best of luck. DO NOT file papers with him still in the house. This is a dangerous situation. If you have to even go live in a shelter is better than being beat upon. Get out of that house.


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LaSombra Posted 31 Oct 2008 , 6:26pm
post #7 of 13
Originally Posted by Mike1394

I wish you the best of luck. DO NOT file papers with him still in the house. This is a dangerous situation. If you have to even go live in a shelter is better than being beat upon. Get out of that house.


We live with my parents. He wouldn't get by with literally beating me. Actually, I'm bigger than him and could probably win if he tested me to my limits. It's more the mindset of him having hit me that time than the actual physical harm. I'm not scared of him.

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indydebi Posted 31 Oct 2008 , 6:37pm
post #8 of 13

Been there ..... mine also tried to fake a heart attack for the sympathy thing. He's a big boy. He can take care of himself.....no matter WHAT he tries to tell you to the contrary.

What I noticed when in this situation is "the first time they hear about it, they think it's the first time you've thought about it." Which means when you talked to your mom on Tuesday about this, her impression was it was a brand new idea that came to you on Monday afternoon. Illogical, I know, but I'm tellin' ya .... people think this way.

Violence, outside (unprotected?) sex, mentally beating you up ... your kids do not need exposed to this. My kids to this day will tell you that their mom leaving dad was the best thing I could have done for them.

Screw everyone else's opinion. You're not living to please them.

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TexasSugar Posted 31 Oct 2008 , 6:41pm
post #9 of 13

You are the only one that truely knows the whole situation. But from what you have posted, it sounds like you really know what you need to do. What is best for you.

Your family and mom do not live in the home with you and see or feel what you go through on a daily basis. It is really easy to sit on the outside and say things will get better and blah, blah, blah, but it is not the same as being in the middle of it and knowing the full story.

My thoughts are counseling is good, but doesn't always promise that you will or should get back together. I think though while ya'll are going through with that, he needs to move out. You need to get away from him as do your kids.

His actions he takes from what is going on are on him. He is the one that got himself in the situation he is in. Chance are he either is realising how bad he screwed up and what he is losing or he is doing what alot of abusers do when women finally the courage to break away from them. Oh baby I'll do better, I'll be better, I'll never do that again. And then they behave for a little while, until you start to relax and really believe them, and then they strike again.

If you really feel in your heart it is over, and nothing he can say or do will matter, then do what you need to do to get out of it. If money is an issue, skip marriage counseling and find another one you can talk to on a one on one bases. The wear and tear of your marriage will affect how you react to things for a while.

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cookieswithdots Posted 31 Oct 2008 , 8:58pm
post #10 of 13

I just wanted to send hugs your way. I'm so sorry that you are going through this. My husband and I just began counseling, in fact last night was our first session. Very hard. Pls hang in there and be good to yourself.


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FromScratch Posted 1 Nov 2008 , 3:50pm
post #11 of 13

I just wanted to send some more hugs.. I have been through divorce and it's not the most fun thing you can do, but if you need to do it (and from the sounds of it you definitely do) then do it. Your mom will come around. Like Debi said this is all new for her.. you have to keep yourself safe (even it it's not safe from physical harm).

We'll be thinking of you.. ((((((hugs)))))))

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marknelliesmum Posted 1 Nov 2008 , 6:06pm
post #12 of 13

Just more ((((((HUGS))))))
You do what is right for you and your kids not some misguided relatives. Nobody knows what goes on behind someone else's closed doors - if you say you want out then that's what you do.
Good luck!

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LaSombra Posted 1 Nov 2008 , 10:01pm
post #13 of 13

I just wanted to say thanks to those who have responded with hugs, advice, prayers and well wishes. Some days are harder than others, I guess. Today, I'm just in a "blah" kind of mood...I cleaned the bathroom and the family room at least, will do some laundry (today is sheets day) ...so I'll have gotten some things done around the house but...I just feel lazy. Need to sit and read a good book, I guess. I've started reading Lonesome Dove (Larry McMurtry). Really good so far.

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