At least I can laugh about it, right?

So... this Sunday my husband is going to be the guest speaker at our Society Meeting (northern Virginia Ethical Society). He's given 4 talks since we've moved here and I only saw the first one when I was pregnant. Since then, I've been relegated to the family room and unable to hear it. In the meantime, MIL sits in the room and listens to her son and probably understands almost none of it as her English is so-so, but is terrible in technical stuff. I think she just wants to get the kudos afterwards because she's proud of her son.

Well, this time, I was asked to host the meeting, announce the speaker, music, comments, etc, so I can't stay in the family room with our toddler (And we are the ONLY one with a young child not yet in the Sunday School). So, my husband asked his Mom to watch henry for us and she got soooooo mad!! She said Why was I hosting on a day you were talking? And why did she have to watch the baby as it's not HER child... She's furious she can't see her son talk...

Now, some of you might say, "why not hire a babysitter or find someone else" We "could" do that, but he's never had anyone other than one of us watch him and it's the principle of the matter. She has NO PROBLEM letting me sit in a room by myself. She can't see that maybe the WIFE might want to hear her husband speak too... Ever heard of taking turns?

Plus, it just burns me up.. she MOVED TO THIS COUNTRY to watch our grandchildren and to be near her only child. her words. She didn't want her grandkids in daycare... but... only if that doesn't inconvenience her... Henry is 20 months old - she's watched him maybe a dozen times and all only in the last few months... Seh doesn't help with my older son any more either like she used to do yet she complains that she's lonely and has nothing to do...

Also, ti burns me up because her own mother 1/2 raised my DH. After DH went to bed at 8 pm, she went out to movies, for ice cream etc on "dates" and her mom stayed home to watch him. Yet, she gets mad at this?

Please don't tell me we're being selfish... because we aren't, she is... always thinking of herself ONLY... Dh would like me to be there too and so far I haven't been able to...

Melissa

your MIL is a real peach isn't she? My goodness, you make me appreciate mine more than ever (and she gets under my skin too) What's wrong with you? You don't want to sit in a little room with your little one while your MIL goes to a speech she can't even hardly understand so she can absorb all of the praises? You actually want let out of the corner and on to the stage? This is all just a ploy for attention isn't it? You JUST have HAD to have planned it this way! How dare you interfear with the so-so grandma's plans! Sorry, I just couldn't help it. I would have snapped on her more than likely. She's lucky she has you as a DIL and not me!

Thank you, I'm nearly in tears thinking, "Well, maybe I'm being selfish. I mean, she won't be around forever and then when she passes I can have my turn." And, she's so lonely, that she just wants to be there and share that with him, but then again, she doesn't go half the time because she's dying her hair or is too tired, etc...

I was about to buckle (and still feel it)... It's true, it's not her child, so why did we assume she would watch him?....

I'm just thankful that DH is not soft and says that she's only thinking of herself. he really wants me to be there too...

Melissa

Yes, she wants to see her son speak and that's great! However, you were asked to introduce him and that is not only touching but also important too! I'm sorry, but you should be able to see your husband speak even if you were not asked to introduce him. At least she should be willing to take turns. Your not being selfish at all! If anything she is! Yes it not her child, but as my parents put it "I would lay down my own life for one of my grandchildrens anyday because they are the world to me" I'm sure she loves her grandkids and in loving them that means treating their mother with a little more respect too.

If it were me I would bring up what she said about watching the grandchildren. She's the one that said she would watch them. I would hold her to it. If she's got a problem with it then tell her either she watches them like originally planned or you will make other arrangements. (Daycare/babysitter) Don't come to her for anything or even call her. She might get the idea if she gets ignored enough. You know they always say "if you don't have anything nice to say....." You know he's your husband and you have the right to see him speak. She's seen him speak before and it's not fair to you. Just be firm about all of this. If you decide that you want to have someone else watch your kids don't back down. Only you and your DH have a say in who watches them. Remember they aren't HER kids. (her words) I'm sure she loves them, but she needs to show it better. My mother always says "I would kill for my children, but I would kill my children for my grandchildren." Just talk to her about it. Then decide what you want to do. Maybe she's had time to calm down about it and realizes that she was wrong. Good luck! Let us know what happens.

Thank you both...

She's just such a contradiction. She TOLD us she was moving here to watch our kids (when we had them) 13 years ago. Didn't ask if we wanted it or if we thought it wise to move to a whole new world at 60 years of age... she decided because her mom was able to do that for her, so she wanted to do that for us.

She constantly says how she's so happy that Henry came along and when she's with him, she eats him up... My older son? Holy cow, she spoils him rotten and he can do no wrong (much like her son! ).

So, you would THINK it wouldn't be so hard to have a reliable babysitter, but... you see what happens.

DH and I were also talking about New Year plans. We spend every year since we've had kids at home with MIL... It's kind of depressing celebrating a new year with your MIL as your only guest!

This year when I was driving her home that evening she noticed a lot of cars out at 1 am. She commented on it and I said that it was people coming home. She was surprised people would come home so early! And I said, well, probably these people have kids at home and need to relieve the babysitter and then commented on how she never had to worry about that because her mom was watching Sven, so she could come home whenever she wanted at night.

She replied that she always stayed home on New Year's eve because she wanted to ring in the New YEar with her son. (great... guess that means she'll look down on us if we decide to go out!)

I told DH that story when we came home and he rolled his eyes and said, "yes, she stayed home when I was too young and it didn't matter because I was sleeping, but as soon as I was old enough to be up, she always went out."

Ummm... selective memory of what a great mother she was? Geez... DH is always catching her in these selective memories!

Anyway... she just wants to get everything her way... no wonder she could never stay married. yes, she left, but because she wasn't tolerant AT ALL... It's all "me, me, me" with her.

DH gets quite upset with me because I don't call her to watch our toddler very often during the day so I can get other things done. I just don't like calling someone and asking a favor of the person who makes me miserable, you know? I would rather deal with a toddler and the stuff than her attitude around me....

Now, when she says, "Melissa, just call me and I can help" then I feel more "invited" to ask, but I still ahve to ask. She never, ever says, "Can I take the kids for the afternoon?" Or, "Why don't you two do something nice together and I'll watch the boys." Maybe that's unrealistic, but I would do that for anyone I was really close with and would do that for my kids some day!!! But then, she's been married 3 times, but never really "lived with" any of them (long story) so she doesn't get that parents need couple time too!

Anyway, thanks for listening...
Melissa

YOU ARE NOT BEING SELFISH!!!!!!!!!!!
Couples need alone time in order to stay together and make the relationship work. There is nothing wrong with you having a chance to feel some of the praise that your MIL gets when she watches your hubby speak. After all, you are his better half!
My mom watches my son whenever it is convenient for her, which is sad because he loves her so much. But my MIL will watch my son whenever we need her to, even though she can be a pain in the rear sometimes.
It's time to find a babysitter that you can trust with your son, maybe that will make your MIL turn her ways a bit. If not, then someone else can benefit from your needs to go on dates. One thing you could do to make the transition easier is to maybe have the new babysitter come over during the day and watch your son a little bit while you are still there, and then gradually have him get used to being by himself with just her. Kids can get used to being left with someone else then their parents, just some take longer than others. But it's good for kids to be watched by someone else, helps them learn the lesson about being respectful to others IMHO.

Your best bet is to find a reliable babysitter. Your MIL appears to be the type of person that you cannot rely on so stop setting yourself up for disappointment.

In fact once you find a babysitter your MIL will probably become very jealous and insist that you let her babysit. Just don't fall into that trap because she will probably bail on you in the end.

Good luck and stand your ground.

She sounds like she could be heading for Alzhimers ( spelling ) they get pretty crabby and cranky , unreliable and contraditory if not ornery.

She may not even see her behavior as being irrational.

No one believed me when I told them my mom was deteriorating because she was able to hold it together over the phone, but I remember her..and I was watching her now...

She was always cranky but now she was getting almost paranoid.

ask her to baby sit, and tell her that you will tape the talk for her...or...hand her a celly and tell her when the talk is over you will call her to come up and stand besides the 2 of you to get the Kudos.

Before we throw the baby out with the bathwater, we need to look for "other" reasons for peoples bad behavior.

Melissa, I hope this all works out for you!

Are you sure your MIL isn't named Martha? If not then my MIL has a twin she is separated from? Wow, I can totally relate to you on this subject and NO you are not being selfish!! I see absolutely no reason why you shouldn't be allowed to hear your DH speak. Why should she get to all the time? What exactly gives her that privledge? Oh, she gave birth to him, I forgot! I am so sorry to go off like that but my MIL is so much like yours it is scary and SOOO frustrating! My DH and I let my MIL live in a house we inherited from his grandfather (RENT FREE) after he passed on and do you think she is grateful? HE doublesticks NO! Well for about 10 minutes she was. I better stop now because I could go on and on and on and on.................. Anyway you are not alone.