Sometimes I Feel That I've Lost "me".....can You R

Decorating By JavaJunkieChrissy Updated 15 Aug 2008 , 10:34pm by Tashablueyes

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JavaJunkieChrissy Posted 15 Aug 2008 , 1:18pm
post #1 of 20

I need to vent a little bit and I hope there is someone out there that can relate to me.

I'm 41 years young..LOL!! I have been married for 19 years and I love my hubby very much. We have five boys..three of them are teenagers and the other two are tweens.

I love, love, love making gumpaste flowers. I'm not as excited about decorating cakes. I think the reason that I'm not as excited about the cakes is that I am awfully hard on myself and look for every little error and mark that I can find. I am I guess you could say hyper-critical of myself.

Anyway, I have requests all of the time for cakes. I turn 90% of them down....why do I turn them down??? I don't have the time that I need to do the cakes. I have the boys, a homeschool them, and I have a part-time job in the evenings to help out financially. It's hard when you have a grocery budget like we do...those boys are eating machines !!

Sometimes I wish that I had alot of money and that I could get everything and anything that I needed for my flowers and cakes. I know that things will come in time. I just want them now. I want to try new things and I especially want to do a Mad Hatter Cake. I'll be able to try the cake next month.

Another thing that I have to add is my family is lazy. It's horrible to say this. I have done this to them. I bend over backwards to wait on them hand and foot and I've created monsters !! While I am at work I want them to clean up the dishes and load the's usually not done...they are usually on the computer or watching TV. DH will "tell" the boys that they need to do the chores but unfortunately he doesn't do any follow up and make sure that they are actually doing them. Then when I come home I usually have tell them to do the chores and make sure they are done. I guess that my hubby...the guy that I've been married to for 19 years...and I love dearly is LAZY......... icon_cry.gif

I just feel that I don't have the time to do what I want to do. Everyone else in the house has that time...I don't know how to fit everything in. I've always thought that as the boys got older that I'd be able to do more but it seems like it's the total opposite. I run here and run there taking them places I clean, I go to work, I help them with school. I know that these are the years that I'll never be able to get back and I do love my family. I guess I just miss "ME" and the "ME" time I had when I was younger......... icon_cool.gif Does anyone else understand that I am trying to say? Can you relate to this??? What do you do that helps you fit it all in???

Thanks for listening to me. I just needed to vent a little........ icon_redface.gif

19 replies
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lu9129 Posted 15 Aug 2008 , 1:32pm
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I'm not sure but I think I live in your house!!!!!!!!!!

I think all of us goes through this. We have raised lazy society of children. I mean good grief. They can't even talk on a cell phone now, they have to text because it annoying to have to hold it to your ear!!!! (I haven't and will not give in on the texting thing).

You just need to announce you are taking a few days off by yourself, go somewhere see a friend etc. Heck go on strike!!!!! lol. That throws them off!!!! lol You just need some down time!!!!

Pm me if you need to talk!


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Melvira Posted 15 Aug 2008 , 1:32pm
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I can totally relate to what you're saying!!

I often wish I could win the lottery or something stupid like that so that I could hire someone to do the housework. etc. and I could just do cakes whenever I wanted to with no interruptions from 'real life'.

I also suffer from a rather lazy hubby... I know he works all day, etc. but I don't ask for a lot, so it's frustrating when that doesn't get done.

Know that we feel your pain here, and support you 100%. There are some really wide shoulders to cry on here. Keep your chin up and lets see if we can get you some helpful advice here!!!

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simplysweet72740 Posted 15 Aug 2008 , 1:33pm
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I thankfully am not in your situation, however my mother went through it and it didn't end well. My parents got a divorce after 21 yrs. What I want to say to you is PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE schedule in your "ME" time. You need it and you deserve it.

Your boys need to learn a lesson and if that means they are going to have to cook for themselves and wear dirty laundry then thats what it takes.

I will be praying and thinking of you.

Just know that everything has its reason.

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CakesByLJ Posted 15 Aug 2008 , 1:35pm
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Chrissy...... sweetheart..... print this out (your post) and give it to dh; he might not know how serious this is.. He needs to do his part, and then the boys will fall in line when you BOTH stand united..... Good luck icon_smile.gif

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Diesel Posted 15 Aug 2008 , 1:35pm
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Sometimes you just need to vent and that is okay!!! I am a mother of 2 girls, I work full-time, do cakes on the side and I'm married to a wonderful hard working man who can end up being really lazy at home. We kind of had a "come to Jesus" meeting as I was feeling totally overwhelmed with taking care of the house, working, cleaning, cooking, etc! So, our solution, my husband now has a "to-do" list as he just works better from a list. He now has weekly things he's responsible for and also some larger house things that need to get done by the end of the year. This has allowed me to "let go" of some things and not feel so burdoned or like a maid. Maybe you should make to-do lists for all your boys! It really sets the tone for them later in life because I have a co-worker who is married to someone that had everything done for him by his mother and sister that when she tells me stories, it's really like "how in the heck did he and they let it get so bad!!!"

Stop the madness now as you do need ME time and thank goodness I have made that somewhat of a priority in my life. I was an athlete in college and love working out so I make it a priority to work out 5-6 days a week and no one hounds me for it. I feel so much better when I do. Having "ME" time just recharges you! I have also limited my cake baking/decorating to one a week becuase when I used to never say no and have 2 or 3 a week (rare) I would be up until 1-1:30 everynight working on them and that didn't make me or my husband too happy. I made him a deal, one per week!

Hang in there and definitely find your "ME" time and tell those boys to get in shape and help out!

Good luck!

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pianocat Posted 15 Aug 2008 , 1:44pm
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Sounds like a heart-to-heart talk is in order. A serious conversation with the family (especially DH)might help them understand how you feel. Let him know what you expect from him and the kids. Sometimes you have to explain it in details. Men don't think like women.

Just a word of encouragement, it does get better. My boys are grown. I now have the time to do what I want. It is nice, but I miss the hurried, hectic pace of kids at home!

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zoraya Posted 15 Aug 2008 , 1:45pm
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We always put ourselves last. Why is that? I have to admit I'm guilty of it as well but then I get to that breaking point and all hell breaks loose. Find time to do the things you like and want to do! Make a point of it, put it on the calendar and don't let anyone take it away from you. There will always be an "emergency" and then we give up our time to take care of them. I love indydebi's saying - "Poor planning on your part, does not constitute an emergency on mine." Apply this to our cakes and personal time. I make sure to go scrapbooking once a month, I tell my husband flat out that I need some time away and literally leave the house for a few hours and just go window shopping. Take a class in what you like. Yes, this time is precious with our kids but don't loose yourself in them. They will grow up and leave us and then we're just left feeling empty. Don't put off what you want until their grown, find a way to balance it. The first place to start is with your hubby and then lay down the law to the boys. I have 2 small boys, 5 & 7, and they take out the trash, unload the dishwasher and put away their own laundry. I think of it as training them for their future wives plus helping me in the meantime. icon_lol.gif
Sorry this is so long but its a sensitive spot for me becuase I forget a lot and get lost in my kids.

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tonicake Posted 15 Aug 2008 , 1:46pm
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I understand what you are talking about. I too homeschool and I do not turn down cakes at all. We need the money. I have two girls who think that "princesses" shouldn't have to do any thing either. However, I know their weaknesses and unfortunately, I use that to get the help I deserve!!!

Also, every two weeks like clock work - my "me" time is getting a pedicure and manicure. I don't care if the family is fed, the house is clean, the bills are paid or if the sky is falling!!! That is MY time!! No one takes that from me.

I pray you find - TAKE some time for yourself. Only you can make that happen!

Feel free to vent any time, it doesn't take away the love you have for your family. [/quote]

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lynda-bob Posted 15 Aug 2008 , 1:50pm
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Hi! You definitely need to schedule your ME time. How can you keep performing as a homemaker, mother, wife if you're burnt out?
Also, I don't want to sound like the bad guy here, because I went thru the lazy kid part myself. I expected that things would change when they got a little older and they did not. I had to change them. I'm a single mother of two kids. One almost 12 yr old girl and an almost 14 yr old boy w/ cerebral palsey. Just this last year I've made them BOTH do what they can to help out w/ the house. They both have to clean their own rooms and gather dirty laundry. They both have to help put away clean laundry (my son's not much help here but I still put him to "fold" clothes which we refold icon_wink.gif ). They have to help in the kitchen or dinner is NOT being made. I won't do dinner, laundry, etc. unless they help. They won't get THEIR me time if they don't have THEIR chores done. It was hard for me to hear, but my mom told me I was doing wrong by them by doing EVERYTHING. I had lazy, spoiled kids and I wasn't doing them a favor. They'd grow up lazy, spoiled adults thinking that the world owes them everything. It doesn't. We all have to work for what we want. You need to push them to do for themselves. Go on strike icon_wink.gif

Sorry if that was too harsh. I've been there, alone...


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need2sleep Posted 15 Aug 2008 , 1:55pm
post #11 of 20

I am so sorry to hear that you are going thru this. My hubby is a hard worker, but when he comes home he pretty much sits in front of the TV. I can understand he gets tired, but when does our day end?? I am usually taking a shower at 10:00p.m. We have four boys. Thru quite a bit of work I have been able to get them to do chores around here. Yes sometimes I have to hound them, and alot of times they grunt while they're doing them, but in the end, they do them. Which is what matters to me. My teenager seems to understand I need a break, even if he won't admit it to me, so he's really been trying.

So my advice to you is keep working on them. I know it can be hard work, but as you see in my case it can give you the results you need. Besides, it will help them in there adulthood. I sometimes had to leave my boys, husband included, to cook and wash for themselves. I am not there maid. I think my point is coming thru. I still have days that I want to strangle them, but not as many as before. icon_mad.gif

When I am doing a cake, I just simply ignore my clan, as much as I can.

Good luck!! thumbs_up.gif

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Lenette Posted 15 Aug 2008 , 2:09pm
post #12 of 20

I do understand about being the maid. My kids are a lot younger than yours and my husband is 85% oblivious to the house. I do all the cooking, cleaning, laundry, running errands, volunteering at the kids' schools, etc etc.
Plus my little cake business and I took a PT temp job to help with back to school expenses.

I totally feel you on the lack of "ME" time!

I don't want to criticize because as mothers we can only do the best we can but I do want to offer a suggestion. Your boys need to learn how to take responsibility for their home and themselves. I assume you do not intend to cater to them for their entire lives and if they choose to marry you don't want some poor girl to end up being their maid/cook. I am trying (at my mother's insistence) to work with my children to do things for themselves even at this young age.

We all live here together and have a part in how the house runs. Husbands tend to get stuck in their ways but they are a role model for the children too. If all they see is mom doing and doing and dad not participating that is how they will think things are supposed to be.
I constantly have to remind my husband about these things but that is my fault because I spoiled him too much and did everything for him for a long time.

Talk to you family, let them know how you feel. Communication is important, let them know you have needs and expectations. Give them a chore list, etc etc. If you give them the opportunity they may surprise you. If they choose not to heed your request then go on strike. I tell you it works! It is amazing how the message gets through when they don't have any clean clothes or a hot meal. It is difficult for me to take the hard nose approach but sometimes a girls gotta do what a girls gotta do!

Sorry so long, this topic is something I struggle with too! Wishing you the best! icon_smile.gif

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smoore Posted 15 Aug 2008 , 2:13pm
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I know (though my kids are just 6 and 10)... I've started doing stupid things to make a point. You don't do what I ask you to do (i.e. your fair share, which in actuality isn't really fair), the TV remote comes up missing as well as the keyboard, mouse and playstation controls. Hey, put them in the car and take them to work with you if you have to! If they don't have the other distrations, they'll find time to do what they should. Also, if they still don't do what you've asked, there's always SOMETHING that means A LOT to them ... that's what goes next! This even works for husbands! icon_smile.gif DH will come home and ask if dinner is ready sometimes and I'll be like "No, I never got around to it. How do you like that?" DH used to complain about doing some miniscule chores on "his only day off" ..... yeah! I tell him he can have his day off when I get mine!

You aren't the only one ... there's millions of us who feel this way at times, but you've got to nip it in the butt and be consistent with them with discipline now before it gets worse. God forbid your sons get married one day and treat their wife like that!!!! icon_smile.gif

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zoraya Posted 15 Aug 2008 , 2:54pm
post #14 of 20
Originally Posted by smoore

the TV remote comes up missing as well as the keyboard, mouse and playstation controls. Hey, put them in the car and take them to work with you if you have to!

I love it! If mommy's not happy, no one is happy!

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ArtieTs Posted 15 Aug 2008 , 5:08pm
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smoore wrote:
the TV remote comes up missing as well as the keyboard, mouse and playstation controls. Hey, put them in the car and take them to work with you if you have to!

I love it. l also loved when I took our DSL cable to the PC to work with me & my DD had the nerve to call me at work to ask if I had paid the DSL bill or not. All I could say was "INCREDIBLE" & hangup. I'm sure her day with no MYSPACE access was too much for her icon_biggrin.gif. I was happy to throw a monkey wrench in her plan to do nothing all day but chat on MYSPACE & talk on the cell phone. Next time I'll take the TV remotes & Keyboard with me, thanks. "ME" time is key for all hard working moms. If you don't take time out for yourself no one else will.

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akgirl10 Posted 15 Aug 2008 , 5:35pm
post #16 of 20

Do your kids get an allowance? If so, make them actually work for it. And I agree with turning off the TV, video games, computer, and phones until some work gets done around the house.

When I was young, it was my job to load the dishwasher. My brother took out the trash, younger brother set the table. We all collected our clothes for laundry, and we all put the clean clothes away. Surely your boys could handle this, but you need your husband's support to make it happen.

Whatever happens, make sure you get that ME time, it's so crucial.

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smoore Posted 15 Aug 2008 , 6:00pm
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Originally Posted by akgirl10

Do your kids get an allowance? If so, make them actually work for it. And I agree with turning off the TV, video games, computer, and phones until some work gets done around the house.

When I was young, it was my job to load the dishwasher. My brother took out the trash, younger brother set the table. We all collected our clothes for laundry, and we all put the clean clothes away. Surely your boys could handle this, but you need your husband's support to make it happen.

Whatever happens, make sure you get that ME time, it's so crucial.

If they don't get an allowance, that's ok too! Lord knows I don't get one for scrubbing the toilet! icon_confused.gif Household chores are all a part of being part of a household. In our house, you don't get allowance/paid for doing things you should make a habbit of doing on a regular basis. You do get paid for going above and beyond in the non-every day tasks (i.e. cleaning the garage, vaccuuming out the car, washing windows, weeding the garden, raking leaves). I just think there's a way to feel "paid" by seeing a job well done - pride in accomplishment, not just payment in cold hard cash. It helps put value in doing a job well done. Just remember to acknowledge and praise everything those boys & DH does (they are funny that way). We women do a million things a day and no one notices (unless it's not done), but if they actually put a new roll of TP on the holder instead of on top of the tank, by golly, thank 'em for it! It will go a long way! icon_lol.gif

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mjballinger Posted 15 Aug 2008 , 6:31pm
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I think we can all relate! I had surgery last month and was put on a very restricted plan for 2 months, so that my hernia didn't sweet (read my sarcasm here) hubby says he'll take care of things... I should just rest. Well that was tough, so I started doing some little things and I had to make dinner... my daughters need to eat. Ends up being hubby is doing one thing - the dishes. Rubbing my incision against the sink and getting it wet wasn't comfy, so I just was not doing that.. (It is 9 inches long) He couldn't even do that on a regular basis. One day he comes out of our room (geesh, I wish I could go relax in our room) and says what's for dinner. I told him there were no clean dishes for me to cook dinner. Didn't make a difference at all. I think 99 percent of men just don't get it. After working or taking care of young kids all day, why should women still have to do it all??
Let me add that I have 2 girls - 7 and 13 and they help out a lot. With laundry, picking up, etc... I just wasn't going to make them do the dishes too. THEY care enough that they want me to get better.
Now when my hubby tells me I should rest I just look at him questioningly and ask him who will do everything else. He never has an answer. grrr.
I wish I had a solution for you. Take your "me" time. Take a nice hot bath. Bonk all those men in your life over the head. That last one is my best solution. lol. Good luck!

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BREN28 Posted 15 Aug 2008 , 6:48pm
post #19 of 20

TOTALLY RELATE!! im your age with two boys,just turned 20 &21,going to college(we wanted them to stay with us while they were going to college,we didnt want them to struggle trying to pay for apartment,food,bills,ect. and try to go to college at the same time).best boys you could ask for,never gave us any trouble,always have good grades,but cant clean to save thier lives! thier rooms look like a bomb went off in there. i can't say that my husband is lazy,even though i got them used to me waiting on them hand and foot. he still does all the yard work,fixes the cars,repairs on house,run errands,pays bills,buys what ever the boys need or i need. he even likes to bbq alot on sunday so that i dont have to make anything during the week to eat.isnt he nice?! but i dont feel like i have alot of "me" time either,just to much going on in our daily lives. we had always had the boys doing chores when they were younger, but as they got older they started slacking off,i know they have alot going on in their lives,school,work,ect.,but it drives me and my husband crazy that that dont clean thier rooms. trust me, i know what you mean about them being eating machines.i only have two, and my grocery bill is sky high!!

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Tashablueyes Posted 15 Aug 2008 , 10:34pm
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I hear you! I am a SAHM right now and that only adds to my frustration! I have been very slowly working my way through school and I cannot wait to get back out there and have adult conversation that doesn't include poopy diapers, but I know it will cut into my cake time. For me cakes have become the creative outlet that I stay up til 3 am with because there's no other time to do it! But man, everyone else's messes are bad enough without me adding cake pans and decorating supplies by the sinkful!

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