Two Weddings - Tacky? (Long)

Lounge By AJsGirl Updated 14 Jun 2008 , 12:14pm by SweetResults

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AJsGirl Posted 21 May 2008 , 8:44pm
post #1 of 26

Okay, here's the story. I have 2 children from a previous marriage. I was 19 and pregnant when I got married the first time, and so I didn't get to have a nice wedding.

When now hubby and I got engaged, we scrimped and saved $5000 over 3 years so that we could have a nice, big wedding. It was so hard to save all that money with 2 kids, but we did it. We started calling venues and picked a place that was going to do a fantastic package for exactly what we wanted to pay, and we were stupidly excited.

We set up an appointment for a Saturday to sign the contract and pay the money. The Tuesday before that, a 17 year old (I think) kid ran a stop sign and t-boned us so hard he pushed my car all the way to the other side of the intersection. Thankfully, no one was seriously hurt, but my car was undriveable. Well, the kid gave the cop a fake driver's license and fake insurance card and the cop was rushing so much he didn't even check it.

We thought it wouldn't be a problem because we had uninsured motorist coverage, but my insurance wouldn't pay up and we had no car, no way to get to work, school, etc. (An even longer story) So we ended up, tearfully, painfully, using our wedding money to buy a used car. In the end, we got less than $1000 for my totaled one.

Hubby and I didn't want to wait another 3 years to save up the money, so we got married at the courthouse with our parents and my kids in attendance. But we have always longed to have the big, nice wedding we spent so much time planning and saving for. It was like our dream day just slipped right through our fingers.

Hubby thinks we should start now, saving up money and do a big "wedding" and reception for our 10 year anniversary, wedding dress, cake, and all. (We've been married 4 years now.) He said we can renew our vows and have a "do-over". Of course, we wouldn't want showers or gifts, just the big celebration with our friends and family.

Even though my heart wants our big day, my mind says this is tacky and people will frown on this or think we are just gift-grubbing.

What do you all think?

25 replies
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tiptop57 Posted 21 May 2008 , 8:59pm
post #2 of 26

Do you really want my honest opinion? It might not be the answer you want.

I was married in a court house, my grandmother was married in a court house we both have had solid, long lasting marriages. My mother on-the-otherhand had the big to do and is divorced. I did not miss anything.

Move on from this and start celebrating other milestones, otherwise all you will do is obsess on your "show ceremony" and completely overlook other perfectly good celebration points in your life, because in reality the "wedding" already really happened in the court house when you signed your name on the certificate and all the rest is fluff!

Also, on more thing.....big weddings in the end really do not matter, it is how you manage your relationship in the long run that matters. icon_wink.gif

Edited to add: I was just sitting and wondering what you really might be looking for in the long run. If it is the big party like celebration with you and your husband the center of attraction with your family and friends in attendance then go ahead and have a big shindig of a 10th anniversary party and renew your vows as that is a great mile point. I just wouldn't call it a wedding as you will have already been married for 10 years. icon_wink.gif

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Texas_Rose Posted 21 May 2008 , 9:02pm
post #3 of 26

I think planning a party for your 10th anniversary would be perfectly appropriate. It doesn't seem like a scheme to get gifts, and making it through ten years of marriage is a real accomplishment and should be celebrated. The people you invite will be people who know you, and know the story behind the big party, so no one will think it's odd.

It's a long time to wait, though, for your dream wedding. I would be a little scared to spend six years planning and saving for something, because I'd feel like I had so much time invested that I wouldn't be able to stand it if something didn't go exactly as I had planned.

When you do have the party, don't call it a wedding icon_lol.gif but rather call it an anniversary party with a renewal of the wedding vows ceremony. I've been to a few, and it's always nice because they invite the married people in the congregation to stand up and renew their vows along with the couple who are celebrating.

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mkolmar Posted 21 May 2008 , 9:10pm
post #4 of 26

My wedding day was actually my moms she took over the whole thing and it was obvious that the day wasn't for me. I'm not one for a big to-do anyways. On our 5 year anniversary DH and I secretly went and re-newed our vows with just us and 1 friend who took pictures in a butterfly house. We just dressed up nice and did it on our own. It was wonderful. We then went out to eat at a nice restaurant afterwards.
I'm so glad that we did it the way we wanted to years down the road. If you want to do it, do it. It's not tacky at all. I've been to 1 and no one said it was in ill taste. Especially since people know what you all went through and what happened near your wedding day I would say it's only fitting if you decided to re-new your vows. At the end of the day it doesn't matter what anyone thinks, but what you all think and want to do. You've already proved to have a wonderful marriage either way.

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AJsGirl Posted 21 May 2008 , 10:19pm
post #5 of 26

You know what? You all give such great advice. icon_biggrin.gif

tiptop, you are absolutely right. I had a friend who spent $20,000 on her wedding day, and 6 months later, they were divorced. She's still paying the wedding bills 3 years later. icon_eek.gif

He and I are awesome together. I can't imagine my life without him. He treats my kids like his own, and actually gave up having biological children because I didn't want any more. We have our ups and downs, but overall, our relationship really is a fairy tale.

It just bruises my heart every time I do a shower, groom's, or wedding cake. icon_sad.gif I know that sounds selfish. But believe it or not, my hubby is really sad about it, too, because he was so excited. He helped pick out flowers, decorations, everything.

We want a day to celebrate with our family and friends, all dressed up, dancing and dinner, and have great pictures to look back on the day we memorialized our love.

I love the suggestion of having the married couples stand up and renew vows with us. That would mean a lot to me, too. Six more years is a long time to wait, but it's been 6 years already since we first started planning the original wedding, so I guess we can wait some more. icon_wink.gif

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Doug Posted 21 May 2008 , 10:56pm
post #6 of 26

do it at ten at 15 at 20 at 25....oh just party hearty every five years -- why not!

oh...and sue the insurance company to pay up!

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Amia Posted 21 May 2008 , 11:09pm
post #7 of 26

Honestly, I see nothing wrong with having a vow renewal ceremony. It's not a wedding really, but there is no law that says it can't be exactly like one. The only tacky thing would be if you were asking for gifts, but you aren't, so no worries!! And who cares what people think anyway? If they think its tacky, they don't have to come.

I wouldn't spend $20,000 on this, but buy a nice dress, rent a nice hall and have a great party. You could still do it for around $5,000-$7,000 if you keep the guest list small and don't get too extravagant in your planning. Just do a lot of things yourself (make your own bouquets and cake) and cut back on things that aren't necessary, like centerpieces.

I'm really sorry about what happened with the first wedding. If you have always dreamed of a nice wedding, then I say HAVE ONE! I know it makes sense to move on and celebrate other things, but if this is still bothering you 4 years later, then it's obviously something you want and it will always bother you. If you have the means, go for it! thumbs_up.gifthumbs_up.gif

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ziggytarheel Posted 21 May 2008 , 11:10pm
post #8 of 26

What about a "wedding" have you always dreamed of?

Can you just have a big party with a few of the elements? I had a lovely wedding, but all the preparation was really aimed toward our marriage, not so much about a few hours one day. Our wedding wasn't big or fancy, but it was perfect for us.

I say have a big party with whatever elements are most important to you.

And as far as suing the insurance company goes, the laws do vary from state to state.

However, it is likely that insurance did not pay under "uninsured driver" because you must show evidence that the driver was uninsured for that coverage to be valid. Hit and run is typically filed under your collision, subject to your deductible. If you don't have collision insurance, you are likely not going to be covered in this situation. The only way around it is to find the driver. Then either the driver pays or if he is truly uninsured, your uninsured motorist coverage kicks in.

That's just the way the law works. icon_sad.gif

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Ohara Posted 22 May 2008 , 2:44am
post #9 of 26

I think that if having a renewal ceremony with the beautiful gown, tux, flowers, pictures, and of course the cake, is your hearts desire, then you should do it. Life is to short for regrets. And as far as people thinking that your "just gift-grubbing" well, they shouldn't be at your big day, because they must not know you or your heats desire.
I wish you the best!

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KASCARLETT Posted 22 May 2008 , 3:01am
post #10 of 26

I say GO FOR IT! There was a young couple I knew that renewed their marriage vows and went all out, the invitations, wedding dress, cakes, everything! They didn't have a wedding when they first married and that's what they wanted and it was beautiful. I say, it's your money - if that's what you want - do it! Just put "Please no gifts, your presence at the celetration of our marriage is gift enough" in your invitation and if you want you can add "if you wish to give a gift, please donate to (insert your favorite local charity here).

And you don't have to wait for the 10 year mark if you don't want to, but 6 more years will come and go before you know it. Think of it as just 6 years to plan! lol

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MystiqueFire Posted 22 May 2008 , 3:51am
post #11 of 26

I'm voting that it's a go. You only live once, and I fully believe in fulfilling ALL of your dreams. I know that sounds corny, but if you think about it, they are there for a reason. I believe in God, and I dont know if you do or not, but the Bible says that God gives you the desires of your heart, and I believe that means that whatsoever you desire, not only did he put them there, but he will fulfill them as well.

No, it wont be a first time wedding, but in this day in age, staying married period is something to celebrate! Dont go through your life regretting not having a fantastic day of celebration because people might think it's tacky. If the people you invite truly love you and care about you, they'll understand the importance of what the celebration is really about, and they'll be all for it.

Again, you only live once. Dont live it with "what if's"!


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AJsGirl Posted 22 May 2008 , 11:25am
post #12 of 26

Thanks everyone. You really lifted my heart. Guess we'll sit down at the dining room table and come up with a plan! Yay!

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HerBoudoir Posted 22 May 2008 , 1:33pm
post #13 of 26

I have heard of a lot of folks having "renewal ceremonies" at a significant anniversary. A woman I used to take college classes with was planning a huge one for her and her husband's 25th anniversary. Another woman I work with was planning one for their 10th anniversary, but that got postponed to the 15th because she got pregnant and the baby would have only been 3 months old - she decided there was too much going on just then icon_smile.gif

I say go for it.

The ONLY tacky thing (IMHO) would be to do the full blown wedding gown thing. Certainly, treat yourself to a beautiful dress, but I'd avoid a traditional wedding gown.

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lardbutt Posted 22 May 2008 , 1:39pm
post #14 of 26

I'm sorta in the same boat. Got married very young and pregnant, but lost the baby shortly after. However I am still married to the same wonderful man now for 14 years.

I grew up thinking (wrongly I might add) that I should not have had a "wedding" since I was pregnant so I didn't! But, let me tell you how I have longed for wedding photos, a wedding dress and yes that wounderful wedding cake!

I think it would be so awesome to have big party next year for our 15th! Our kids would probably LOVE to be a part of it!

Hmmm......I really need to stop eating cake scraps if a wedding dress my be in my future! icon_redface.gif

Go for it and celebrate! You have something wonderful to celebrate! Good luck!

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TheDomesticDiva Posted 22 May 2008 , 2:34pm
post #15 of 26

I personally dont think it's tacky at all. Just, like someone else said, call it an anniversary party with a renewal of the vows ceremony. I think even if you want to wear a wedding gown and go the whole nine yards, do it. Get your dress, girl!! icon_smile.gif You could include a notecard with something on it about how you didnt get to do this the first go round (stated cutely somehow), and ask everyone to dress formally or something. Do the wedding cake, the whole shebang. Just be sure to put on there that gifts are not necessary, only their prescence is requested. I dont think that having a wedding ceremony will make you get divorced! icon_smile.gif

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4Gifts4Lisa Posted 22 May 2008 , 5:25pm
post #16 of 26


Life is short.

Do it.

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redhare Posted 22 May 2008 , 5:39pm
post #17 of 26

I say go for it!!!! My dh and I have been married for 7 years now and we talk about a renewal ceremony and we had a wedding. Ours was small cost less than 3k my wedding dress was only 100 but it was what we wanted so it was perfect no regrets (except no one danced at the reception icon_rolleyes.gif )
I guess my point is do what you feel is right a renewal ceremony is a wonderful idea and like other said staying married that long anymore is a big deal so celebrate it!

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krazykat_14 Posted 22 May 2008 , 6:01pm
post #18 of 26

There are people who get married in Las Vegas and have receptions later on when they get back for their friends and families- nobody calls that tacky! This is a totally different celebration- 10 year anniversaries are few and far between anymore- there should be a ticker tape parade for anyone over 3 years!

So GO FOR IT! party.gif You've waited long enough- you should get the dress, the guests, the cake, the choir, the whole darn thing! You can even have some fun with it since it's not a "wedding" like have silver embroidery all over your dress- a bit too much for a wedding but perfect for an anniversary... Go nuts with the food and cake, though- and if it's in the budget- have someone else make a cake for YOU for once! princess.gif OR actually make a cake for yourself- I've recently realized that I can make a cake that I want for myself sometimes- I kind of forgot that! icon_biggrin.gif

I think you have the best of both worlds. I love weddings- I would love to have a wedding- but the down side to that for me is that you have to be married afterwards. (I tried that once-it sucked.) So you've already got a marriage that doesn't suck (yeah you!) so now you should have the wedding to go with it! You deserve it! thumbs_up.gif

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sueco Posted 22 May 2008 , 6:14pm
post #19 of 26

GO FOR IT!!!!! thumbs_up.gif I don't think it's tacky at all. It's what you both have wanted for a long time. And I'm sure the people that matter most in your life probably know that it's what you've both wanted, and would be happy to celebrate your vow renewal with you. I bet it will be a great party!

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tammycake Posted 23 May 2008 , 1:27am
post #20 of 26

Not tacky. You love your husband, you want to celebrate this with friends and family, you didn't get a chance to do that before. Go for it.

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ncdessertdiva Posted 23 May 2008 , 3:47pm
post #21 of 26

I think its a great idea but why wait for a 10 year anniversary, could you do it next year for 5 years? You've had some rough times and it would be reward for you and your hubby. It might not be as big as a 10 year celebration but it would be sooner. It's all in what you want to do. Go for it! Life is too short. Congratulations! My hubby and I have been together 10 years (married 8 years) and we had a small, intimate ceremony with 50 of our closest friends. It was exactly what we wanted and could afford at the time.

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Mac Posted 26 May 2008 , 4:26pm
post #22 of 26

DO IT!!!

For marriages to last 10 years or longer is a great accomplishment in this day and age. I think it is wonderful that your hubby was as excited as you in the preparation of your "dream wedding".

My DH and I married at a friend's house out of town one weekend. THe next weekend, we had a nice reception in town for friends and family. We are celebrating our 17th this summer.

On our 20th, we will have a renewal ceremony. My DH has wished we had a fancier wedding so we may go all out. Our only regret is that his dad or my grandmother won't be there.

I have done a few recent weddings that didn't even make it a year and they had BIG shindigs. There isn't anything wrong with a small personal ceremony to start a marriage relationship and THEN celebrating BIG the milestone of 10 years. GO FOR IT!!!!

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erinalicia Posted 13 Jun 2008 , 5:18pm
post #23 of 26

I just stumbled on this topic. My DH and I basically eloped. It was just me, him, and the minister at a gazebo on the side of a mountain. It wasn't what I wanted, but we couldn't afford much. We just celebrated our 8 year anniversary. I've been in 3 weddings, the first 2 ended in divorce not long after and the 3rd was a 2nd marriage for one of the first weddings I was in. I'm just waiting for that one to end as well.

Anyway, we wanted to do a renewal ceremony for our 10th anniversary. Our plan was to rent a beach house and have all of our family come and stay and have a big party. I always dreamed of my boys dressed in little khaki pants (rolled up) and little white dress shirts and bare feet on the beach, dressed just like Daddy and celebrating our life together.

Since Aidan's accident, that dream is a little farther away, but I'm definitely going to do something. Because I know that one day, Aidan is going to be standing beside his daddy, just like I imagined he would be for our renewal ceremony.

So, I say GO FOR IT! It's important to celebrate your family and your marriage. For me, it's been a trying 8 years and if we make it to 10 or 15 or even 20 without killing each other, it's something to celebrate. icon_smile.gif *just joking*

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SweetResults Posted 13 Jun 2008 , 8:03pm
post #24 of 26

I say go for it as well!

I had the big wedding, loved it and I want to DO IT AGAIN! Just the dressing up and the food and dancing and the party - I definitely DON'T need the gifts!

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Carolynlovescake Posted 14 Jun 2008 , 3:33am
post #25 of 26

There was nothing we needed when we got married and we didn't want any gifts. We had been living together already for awhile and both of us held well paying jobs. We had everything we needed.

On the bottom of the invitations I had printed it stated "We ask that instead of a gift we would like you to donate to Alzheimer's research in the names of our grandparents who have passed away from this disease (________, __________, and ___________) or to the American Cancer society in honor of Carolyn's mother (________) who is a 5 year cancer survivor.

I then enclosed donation information for both charities so they knew how to make the donation.

We raised a huge amount of money for research.

So if you don't want/need the gifts you could go this route.

And I say go for it. Hubby and I are approaching our 6th wedding anniversary and I hate to say, not many of our friends have reached 5 years let alone a 6th.

Why wait until a milestone one though? Every year and every anniversary is reason to celebrate!

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SweetResults Posted 14 Jun 2008 , 12:14pm
post #26 of 26

One other thing - the fact that you are aware that it could be "tacky" shows that it won't be, that you will be thoughtful about it and everyone will know you just want to have a celebration with all your friends of the special love your husband and you share.

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