Hubby Doesn't Like My Baking Hobby! Wah!!!
Decorating By berryblondeboys Updated 4 Jan 2007 , 12:56am by Zmama
It does sound like some open and honest conversations need to be held. Shannas was right about excluding the yelling and screaming. You shouldn't have to resort to yelling and screaming or playing games for dh to get a point. We've only been married for 7 years, but have a very good marriage and we are both supportive of each other. He is GREAT with the kids, usually doing baths every night and feeding them breakfast in the morning. I am also a SAHM. He gets up in the middle of the night with the kids. I really think it was because he falls back to sleep sooner than I can. He'd take care of them and be asleep in seconds. Me on the other hand, once I'm up I'm up, then I'd want to talk to him because I couldn't get back to sleep. Marriage takes a lot of hard work, but the benefits are AMAZING when you are working together as a team. We have 3 kids, 5 (in two weeks), 3 1/2 and 1 1/2 and I'm homeschooling. It seems as if you both have expectations for each other that aren't being met. Clearly defining your needs to each other would be a great starting place. You should schedule a date to talk about these things. His Needs Her Needs for Parents is a GREAT book with practical marriage suggestions. I will definitely keep you in our prayers also. I hope baking continutes to make you happy. Not all men are like thatI have a GREAT man and so do many other cc members- I've read some great posts about them. People will treat us the way we let them, I'm a firm believer of that. I'll get off my soap box now. 
let me tell you. I was on the verge of divorce a few years ago. when my hubby complained everytime i put the oven on. it turned into yelling and me saying stuff about his very expensive cigar hobby. well, he got hurt at work and we started writing down how much our bills ect every week are and what my hobby makes, that shut him up cause we would be up the creek if i didnt get the few orders a month a get. he is still out of work but never says a word when i turn on my lovin oven.
Sometimes our "hobbies" can be what keeps us sane. He might not ever really understand what it means to be home all day and have to run an entire house until he does it himself. If you love what you do, then there isn't a single reason to stop. He will have to just not be selfish and let you be happy...and HELP.
I have a 4 year old and a 22 month old and I decided not to go back to work full time, so I am lucky to work in the medical field where I can choose my shifts and days that I work, so I work 1-2 days a week. I also teach Wilton courses, too. I think I would lose my mind a little bit if I didn't have something else to do besides cook, clean, and run errands all day long. And I am very blessed to have such an amazing husband that not only sees how hard I work, but he really does help and he encourages me to decorate.
I think you just need to sit down and talk to him and tell him that it makes you happy...and that it's in his best interest for you to be happy. 
All it took was the first day home alone with the kids to make my husband realize that going to work and coming home is EASY, but staying home and doing everything else is not.
Good luck with everything. Keep on decorating.
Happy New Year
angie
Melissa, I think your husband needs an attitude adjustment and a swift kick in the butt. My hubby is very supportive of me and we are very open about our likes and dislikes. You two really need to sit and talk because if it dont get resolved soon he's just going to keep at you till you give up what u love. Good luck Sweetie.
My husband is like most......sleeps in, does nothing around the house, yet thinks he does sooooooo much. During one of our heated arguments over who does what and, what contribution we put in around the house, I stopped and begin writing. I wouldn't say a word to him, I just kept writing. Keep in mind, this is right in the middle of our fight. He started getting nervous and kept demanding to see what I was writing. Finally, when I was on about the 3rd page or so, I showed him the pages I had been writing. He shut up real fast and the fight ended on the spot.
I wrote:
I'm the only one that: changes diapers
do dishes
drive the kids
bathe the children (all 4)
take the garbage/recycling bin out
laundry.......and the list continued
Well you get the point, so did he.
Sometimes they just need a reality check!
seems like you both need to talk about this. He nneds to realize you need an outlet other than the kids - it is important for everyone to have something just for him/herself. You need to think about how the hobby affects others in the family (meaning if you rally are too tired because of staying up late on cakes, or if there is cake stuff everywhere and messes in the kitchen all the time).
Maybe consider restricintg "cake time" to a certain time on the weekends or 2 evenings per week or something like that. And HE needs to consider how he can do something to free you up for a litte "me time" to spend HOWEVER you want.
As far as the cleaning - every man (or woman) for himself. Even toddlers aren't too little to chip in. And older kids DEFINITELY need to help. I was doing the family laundry at 10. Kids really really can do a lot more than we sometimes think they can. and if your husband can't manage to at least get his dirty clothes into the laundry basket, then he just might have to wear dirty stuff.
question though - does he ASK you to make stuff to bring into his work, or do you do that on your own initiative?
First, I only bake once every month or so. Just this past 3 weeks I did it a total of four times, so an average of one time every few days. I did it after kids were in bed and when DH was doing his stuff anyway. Only one of these days did I need a nap the next day and that has more to do with the bad cold than anything else.
Second, my older son is starting to help out. He has to keep his stuff picked up, set teh table, adn put away his laundry. If he makes a mess, he has to sweep it up or mop it up and so on. And I have gotten him to clean the bathroom recently (we have four).
Third, he asked me to make something for hsi work a couple weeks ago for a holiday party. it's the first and only time I made something for his work since we moved here 2.5 years ago.
Sorry for the delayed response, but I was getting alerted when new messages were left, but didn't get ANY yesterday!
melissa
I have a bit of both going on so I can relate. My husband is supportive... very encouraging of my cake hobby. I too am a SAHM and he doesn't get that I don't feel like or have the energy to go into the kitchen and work on cakes when I'm running errands, cleaning, cooking, bathing kids, shopping, doing laundry, paying bills. I also have a very curious 4 year old who still wants to stick her fingers in the icing! I have to keep EVERYHING I'm working on put up in the frige with a child lock on it to prevent fingerholes in the cake! I guess when my children get a little older my hobby won't be so complicated...will it? BTW DH helps with kid's baths and things after he gets off from work, but he still thinks since I stay at home I don't get tired or have things that I have to do. He thinks I can just sit and watch TV (probably what he would do if he was home! lol) and forget everything else. He doesn't understand the amount of time it takes to keep a fairly clean (not spotless by any means) home and happy, healthy children. Maybe your DH is not thinking of the amount of time it takes to do all you do and that when you are done with your work, there's no time left for you.
Thanks everyone for all your responses. I think the problem is exasperated because he was an only child and never had to do anything for himself. Second, he really BELIEVES that you shouldn't have to spend weekends/evenings on working, that we do, means we aren't living right. His solution? Get rid of everything so there's no clutter.
What he doesn't "get" is that most of the clutter is HIS stuff! He's a music and book junkie. We have 10 FULL 6 foot tall bookcases, mostly his stuff. We have two tall cabinets with Music LPs, two towers of CDs, one unit of cassettes, and then the stereo cabinets (two). currently, in our living room, we have two book boxes of books he needs to put away, a box of LPs he needs to put away, a stack of CDs he's played and not put away, and papers for a talk he's going to give stacked on the end table.
he has a study, you can't walk inside it without tripping over stacks of paper...
Now, we also have a spare bedroom which is the sewing room/craft room which is also a current disaster, but I've been sewing curtains (we were trying to save money on lined, silk curtains and he "approves" of this, but complains that the sewing machine is in the way! UGH!!!) and a HUGE stack of too small clothes of the two kids that I need to sort through and sell. I refuse to just donate it as this is good quality stuff and worth too much $$ to just donate.
Also, about "see how it can make you money"... That won't fly. He's an economist. He thinks selling is a waste of my time and effort and that I'm worth more than that. If I can't get at least $12 an hour for my work, then it's not worth it and even $12 an hour is too little in his opinion.
Similar things happen when we discuss distribution of labor at home. Any arguement I've ever tried to give that it needs to be divided better goes no where. It's just very hard to argue with someone who is so analytical and so darn smart. I'm smart too, but not so much!!!!
With all that said, he did back off yesterday and enjoyed giving our neighbors the bread I had made... I think he just has this tendency to be a control freak. I never really knew he was this way and I think it's "growing" as he's getting older, but he really does feel he has a say in how everyone should spend their resources and time. But I'm not a push-over and he does back off when I put my foot down.
The other day he was trying to tell me what I should or shouldn't watch on TV (I only watch when he's not around as he doesn't watch any TV except Jeopardy) and I told him taht what I liked to watch was my right to watch and he had no say in "allowing" or disallowing it. I only watch when I'm trying to unwind at the end of the day adn everything is done. he started to sputter that it was brain rot and I told im to back off... He grumbled, but he did... EVERYTHING in his life is to "enlighten" him and he just doesn't get it that people like/enjoy things that aren't just expanding the mind. I do that too, but it's not the extent of what I like to do. Because "he" can't see how I could enjoy baking, he finds it a waste of time... Maybe he gets it now... we did talk about it and he is "softening". He'll never say, "OK", but his actions speak louder than words.
Melissa
When I was a SAHM, my husband didn't realize what I did all day until one day I wrote it down. Every time I did something, I put down the time and what it was.
6am wake kids.
6-6:15 make breakfast.
6:30-6:45 get kids dressed.
6:45-7 wash breakfast dishes.
7am find the kids shoes, and let the dogs out.
7:15 take kids to bus stop.
etc...
all day long...
It's been several decades now, and that paper is still where he posted it next to his computer. And he never wonders what I do all day...
expanding upon this>>>>
create a time use chart (first step used to see how to better use your time)
do it for a FULL week..
it lists ALL family members -- each in own column.
one page per day.
then at end total up what you did:
sleep: xx hours
hobby: xx hours
eat: xx hours
cook xx hours
can even do supercategories such as: housework (laundry, dishes, cleaning, etc.) xx hours.
and of course do them for each person.
and here's an excel spreadsheet to help you. I've filled in the first day partially to give an idea of how to use.
the colors are a suggestion -- pick ones you like better.
Makes it very obvious who's really keeping the ship afloat.
Life without cake decorating is like life without total meaning~!
Seriously??? Not me. My marriage is soooooooooo important--I would sacrifice almost anything for it.
That being said--I have a super husband and would probably never be in the same situation.
Obviously the issues are much deeper than cake decorating. I will pray for your marriage. I hope you find some peace and happiness!
I'm lucky because my husband is extremely supportive of my cakeing. But I think he is secretly hoping my business takes off so he can quit his job and stay home!! 
He's a good guy, but I can sympathize with all of you...he sleeps in, stays up late, never takes our 3 kids anywhere individually or together. Just yesterday, New Year's Eve, I took my girls to my parents for a little, early party. He said he couldn't go because he had to go to his mom's and help her out with some stuff. Of course, I knew deep down he didin't go. He wanted the day to himeslf. And that's exactly what he did. He too doesn't do much around the house, unless I nag him to death. Being a SAHMis challenging and trying to start a successful business on top of it all is overwelming. I'm going away for a week alone at the end of the month to take a cake class. Then he'll see..... 
That being said, don't give up the things that make you happy. It's not like you are asking him to clean up your mess or bake the cakes for you. He has his hobbies you NEED yours! Hang in there! 
berryblonde, it's not the cake hobby that is his issue. He tries to tell you what shows you're ALLOWED to watch????? Red Flag!!!!!!!!!!!!! Sounds like a control freak, and for the safety of me and my children, I divorced one of those years ago! (Not offering that as a suggestion, just sharing my experiences. 
). He has other issues that have nothing to do with your hobby and your cake time. He has just grabbed onto this issue (and what shows you watch, and what time you should sleep, or nap, or take care of the kids, etc). He's an economist and he doesn't understand how starting a business takes time and effort and most of the money you make the first year is put right back into the business to buy supplies and equipment and advertising, etc?????? This has to do with control, not your hobby.
If my daughter was dating a guy like this, I'd tell her to run like heck!
My hubby was "hesitant" when I first resurrected my business. He changed his mind when I paid for (just to name a few) the $2000 in landscaping, the $1000 to paint the front porch, the $600 vibrating/heating recliner I bought him "just because" and the down payment check I wrote for his brand-new-off-the-showroom-floor-only-had-12-actual-miles-on-it-when-he-bought-it pickup truck. And all of this on top of the fact that I had built this business with absolutely ZERO debt .... not even credit card debt.
Oh yeah ...... he's DEFINITELY come around to be my biggest supporter. He's a great help and I let him know it all the time.
I think "cakesbykellie" said it best: "Men are dumb". They can't help it. It's the male hormone override. If they spend 6 hours on a golf course (which is EXPENSIVE, by the way!) or 6 hours doing on-line anything, well, that's ok. But if a WOMAN does it, then she's depriving him of "quality time".
I shovel the driveway every winter. I stormed into the house one day and asked him to STOP parking in my space that I shoveled out to leave me a walkway so I didn't have to stomp thru the 12 inches of snow in the yard because HE was inconsiderate enough to park in the space I'd shoveled out! I was livid and he came back with how he is the only one who mows the yard. That was it!!!!! I offered him a deal:
"No problem," I said. "YOU cook the dinners, and clean the house, and do the laundry, and mop the floors, EVERY SINGLE DAY and I will HAPPILY mow the yard every 10 days for 5 months out of the year! Yeah!!! I'll take THAT deal TODAY!"
Uhhh..... he never took me up on it.
Sorry for rambling, but I get kinda passionate on some things!
I feel for you. I used to be a single parent of three girls. I was the one working a job 40-55 hours a week plus cleaning, cooking, laundry, and running kids here and there. Its very hard. My work was never done.
A year and a half ago I got married for the second time. He reciently has been taken off work due to health issues. So he is now a SAHD. He is the one that does the cleaning, laundry and taking care of the girls. It is so nice to come home from work and the laundry is being done. The dishes are done. The house is cleaned. You get the picture. I work and I make dinner. He does the rest. It is nice having someone I can depend on. Its nice to be able to come home from work and not have to do everything around the house too. I try to remember to let him know how much I appreciate the things he does at home. Because, without him my life is alot more complicated.
Sounds like your husband doesn't appreciate the things you do. In the past I have been the one to do both sides of the family. Trust me the SAHM/SAHD's in the world have it harder then the ones that go to work. The ones that go to work may put in 40+ hours a work but you put in 168 hours a week. They have never been on both sides, so its hard for them to understand what it is like. They need to be thankful of the support they have at home. They couldnt do it without your help.
Remember the saying,
Behind every good man is a great woman. (or something like that)
This is for all the SAHMs that feel their husbands don't appreciate them. It's a calculation of all the jobs you do and it will tell you what it would cost them if you weren't around to do them. This way when the DH catches some attitude about how he works and pays the bill you can give him one more bill to pay and be proud of paying.
http://swz.salary.com/momsalarywizard/htmls/mswl_momcenter.html
I'm sure it will shut him up.
Justfrosting
Yeah, the marriage thing is hard to work on and your right, Marriage is more important!
I get frustrated a lot at my husband because he is against nearly all of my hobbies, so I tend to have a bad outlook on our relationship.
I have cut back on cake decorating and baking a lot and I have been trying to understand his point of view. When he is around 24/7 we do get on each others nerves.
God has given you a special gift of a great husband.
Thank you for your prayers.
Well, a controlling personality can be overbearing, but that doesn't mean that he actually controls me. It just means I have to work harder on keeping my own space.
Ironically, he doesn't try to control all things, but for some reason, how I spend my time is of utmost importance to him. Not only how I watch Tv or what I do in the day, but also him not wanting me to "give myself away" for nothing too... he realizes my time is precious.
I think it has a lot to do with the fact that I had a rough pregnancy and couldn't do a heck of a lot. Then the first year and a half it was just hard getting things back in shape since we never really got settled after moving in (got pregnant just as we moved.) We had a lot of home projects we said we would do,b ut that's before we had our "surprise" baby. So now, all of a sudden, getting walls painted and wallpaper stripped and curtains made was a WHOLE new ball game! He was frustrated to see things just creeping along...
why he didn't help more with these projects? Well, some he couldn't like the sewing projects. Plus, he didn't find it necessary to cover up the 70s paneling in the basement where I found it crucial. How could I make fancy curtains to hang on those awful walls? So, he refused to help on my project as he didnt' find it a necessity. Now, of course, he thinks that room is great! he won't help with the patio either since I'm the one who wants plants. he agrees we can't keep it weeds (like it was the first two summers), but doesn't want the responsibilty of plants.. how he can rationalize that one I don't know, but he does...
Today though, I did notice he's working on putting those books away, so I guess something of what I said is getting through! LOL
Melissa
Berry,
You need to have a family meeting. Deligate, remember that. Has any person ever seen what SAHP do? (I used stay at home people, because I know some dads do too) Even if you were not doing cakes, they need to be doing their share of the chores. Since the day I met my DH, I have told him that he is going to be doing his fair share of everything. Wheather one is working or not. My 3 kids had to also. My two boys knew how to clean their own bathroom at 12 and 9 and my daughter had her share. I had to have an blow up so stuff would get done. Also, at one point everyone had a hobby except for me. I was always involved with their hobbies. I called myself "the sponsor". LOL. But I finally after alot, I mean alot, of years I said that was enough. In '04 I had to pick up some grad stuff for my #2 son and was at Michaels (I had a blow up) and said dang it I am going to take that cake class--and the rest is history. Now all is at peace in my world. LOL. I shop for stuff on the clearance isles, I use the coupons and have a BIG LONG LIST of stuff I still would like to have. The kids and DH may not understand this hobby that we all have, so you might have to explain to them on their level. If they didn't have the hobby or get to do the hobby they have, wouldn't they be sad.
Plus, whenever we stop doing something, then they thing somethings wrong. Families need to work together to be happy and that includes SAMP because the world would fall apart with out them! Keep up the GREAT job! PS--been hitched for 23 yrs
Happy New Year!
Very well written! I agree with you 100%!!! I guess I am on the spoiled side! My DH is pretty supportive of all my hobbies, unless he's sick that is, then the world has to revolve around him but that's ok. As far as chores go, I don't know how any woman can keep a house clean when there isn't help from the rest of the family! Good luck and happy New Year!
I get really annoyed when I hear about something like this. Men can have their hobbies, whether it is Jeopardy, Golf, or working in the garage, as long as they get that "Me" time alone. So why is it they are so insecure and selfish that they can't allow their wives the same freedom or joy in having a hobby. Not all men are like this to be sure, many are supportive of their mates and even help in making cake boards, helping with delivery and setup, but they are rare. I think you need to sit down and talk to your husband and let him know that in being a wife, mother, homemaker and money earner we tend to lose who we are as a person. He will have a much happier wife if she doesn't feel guilty about doing something that brings her pleasure. And he will benefit from that in the long run. I know as young women, even in 2006 we are still hesitant to do something for ourselves if it means taking any time away from our mates and our children. As you grow older you will begin to see that you have the right to be you and not just Mrs. somebody, or mommy. It isn't selfish, it is healthy. For now I would suggest you do baking when he isn't home, or after he goes to bed, but don't give it up because you will begin to resent him for it if you do. And Lades, if you have sons, teach them from the very start that women are not put on earth simply to serve. If you don't do this they will grow up to think just like their fathers or previous generations of men.
Well said!!! I hope my son is learning that from my DH and me!
There's not a whole lot I can say that hasn't already been said. For some reason men seem to have more difficulty with their wives having hobbies than vice-versa. I don't know your DH and I don't mean this in a personal way, but my opinion of men who don't want their wives to have hobbies are that they are very selfish and lazy. They view a woman's hobby in a negative light because that takes away from time that the wife could be using to clean, cook and pick up after the family. In a nutshell the more the wife does the less the husband has to do.
My DH can recite a phrase I use that pretty much sums up my opinion. When I give up my hobbies look to the sky because there will truly be pigs flying overhead.
I sincerely hope you are able to find a solution to your problem. Please stand up for yourself and continue to do the things you enjoy.
stand up for yourself! I do this because it's therapeutic and i LOVE it. I can focus and i have an outlet. Maybe pointing out that there are other "unhealthy" hobbies you could be doing!!
My DH needs a kick in the pants every so often. He's usually pretty great about my hobbies and i have toned back on the amount of items i have around in case i need to make something "someday". I recently injured my leg and was on crutches for a few days. IT MADE HIM NUTS! He kept saying "honey, you can NEVER be out of commission! You are crucial to the function on this house and family!" He and all the kids had an eye opener.... hauling laundry up and down the stairs... dinner.... cleaning..... carting everyone where they need to go, etc..... I;m home with my hobbies... i think that's better than NOT being home and out doing "other things".
It's just very hard to argue with someone who is so analytical and so darn smart. I'm smart too, but not so much!!!!
Ooh. He doesn't sound so smart to me. I use to think the same thing. My husband is smart and can make A's in classes.He's also analytical. But when it come to real world stuff... well I'll stop there. But my point is don't think he's smarter than you. Cause he's NOT. He just makes me want to go slap my own husband. Who, by the way, gave me the cold shoulder for two days because I "wasted" his saturday by begging him to help me deliver a huge wedding cake in the pouring rain. Grr. 
Anyway, I don't have any sage advice for you since I've only been married for 5 years but just know you are supported by just about every woman on the face of the planet. MEN! humph.
Actually, I think his intelligence gets in the way of him accepting that human relations are not something that having a high IQ can fix. he doesn't believe in marriage counseling or advice books or articles or anything that anyone else has to say in the matter of how relationships should work. It's kind of odd really, his mom is a psychiatrist and neurologist, yet he thinks counseling is bogus!!! Why he thinks that his ideas are the ONLY way things can work, I don't know...
he's not an ogre. Today, he slept in until 10:30 am (we were up late for New Year) and then when he woke up, I handed off Henry and then slept. He took care of Henry until noon, brought him to bed with me and then we both slept until 2 pm. I can't REMEMBER when I had such a long stretch of sleep!! (My toddler wakes A LOT during the night). Then he worked on putting the books away and playing chess with our older son. Now, did he unload the dishwasher or prepare lunch or pick up breakfast dishes while I slept? No... but at least he realized that I needed that 3.5 hour nap!!!
He just gets really crotchety when things are not in order and with having a baby, he just doesn't know how to express his frustration. I know he wants to spend more time with me doing "fun" things, but we are tied down because of lack of money and with kids. So... he picks on things. Now that Henry is getting older, it should be better. It did get better when our older son Adrian got older too. He just has a lot of reality checks he needs to deal with, but he'll get them, eventually.
Melissa
I don't think anyone much feels he's an ogre, Melissa. He misses you. He just needed to have a few things pointed out to him. Every marriage needs to be examined from time to time, it's normal. It sounds like he's making an effort, and you're giving him credit for that. That's good.
He he I think I took my anger at my husband out on yours. I'm not mad at him anymore. (he made dinner tonight, Chicken Helper) Likewise, ya'll will figure out what works for you. Good for you for seeing his attempts to help. Maybe point out how much you appreciated it? Good luck! (and keep decorating)
He gets so many kudos whenever he helps me out, believe me... I wish positive reinforcement worked as well with him as it does with our toddler! But I think he does feel a bit "apologetic" because he's been much more giving today than he has been.
Melissa
To me it sounds like you have "3" little boys instead of "2". I can really relate to your situation (sp?). I think your hubby suffers from the same illness that my husband does... God Love him. He has a control issue too... I just have to knock him for a loop sometimes to unstick his record.... LOL!
It is really sad, these are some of the symptoms:
1) Me-me-me,
2) Can you make money at that
3) Me-me-me
4) What's it gonna cost me
5) Me-me-me
6) Your not doing it right
7) Me-me-me
You could be doing something "I" like to do
9) Me-me-me
10) Thats not how Mom did it
11) Me-me-me
12) I'm gonna pout until you stop it
13) Me-me-me
14) I don't like it, so you can't do it
15) Me-me-me
16) Not my idea, so it can't possibly work
17) Me-me-me
1 You've got me, why do you need anything else
19) Me-me-me
20) First I was competeing with the kids.... Now I have to compete with this too?
21) Me-me-me
LOL!!!!
We have been together for over 25yrs. Would love to tell you it was a "peice of cake" , but is hasn't been.
To me, making a marriage work is harder than being a parent. My hubby has LOTS of good qualities, but also represents LOTS of challenges too. I wish I could pass on the pearls of wizdom to you, but I myself would have to have them to pass on.
I do know that COMMUNICATION is a MUST!!!! Just a suggestion to you - if either of your parents live close enough, have them take the kids for even one weekend a month (even a sleep over night would help). Make that Mommy and Daddy time.
I have found from personal experience that in just dealing with the everyday grind, we tend to lose sight of what is really important to us and what made you attracted to this person to begin with. Being a parent on top of all the everyday things makes it just that much harder.... It doesn't matter if all you do is drop the kids off and go back home... Just spending the UNINTERUPPTED time together works wonders!!!!!! It kind of recharges the batteries.
Relationships are a two-way street... If you BOTH aren't committed to making it work and doing what it takes to accomplish that, then "You are in BIG trouble mister"!!!!! 
Sorry to ramble on..... I wish you the best. 
Quote by @%username% on %date%
%body%