DH is tired of hearing about my mother, and I need some support here. A little background: my mother got pg with me at 18, married my dad, dmped me on relatives for weeks at a time hen she didn't want to deal w/ me, was emotionally and physically abusive, is a pill-popping alcoholic w/ Borderline Personality Disorder, bankrupted my family buyng er psychiatrist extravagant gifts we coud not afford, then suing him for malpractice and losing. No she is out of work on permanant disability due to a spinal injury and drinks and gossips full time now. She is managing to run off every friend she has ever had, and family members too.
So she keeps buying my kids these dumb collectors things, and toys that are way too old for them, are too delicate to give to them yet. The kids don't like them and I don't have room for them in my house. When my parents were here last month, she kept making comments about how we don't have the delicate $250 toy baby grand piano out or the stupid Franklin Mint dolls, and whatever other crap that they have given them. I told her, as I have several times, PLEASE just give them Fisher Price toys, and plastic things. Get them scooters, a tent. I know what they ask for, and what they like. Don't give my daughter $200 doll and be pissed when she writes on it with a sharpie.
Anyway. We had this same convo today, and I told her (again) buy them scooters and you will be a hero. Momma said that it "breaks her heart" to see the things that they have given my children "thrown in the corner" and in our storage closet in the basement. So tonight I took dd for a walk nd she aske mefor a scooter. I said that maybe my mom or santa wuld bring them, and she said that my mother told her tha she wouldn't get her any more toys because "she'd just throw them in the corner."
Am I worong for being angry that she said that to dd?
You have every right to be angry...how dare she say that to a child. It sounds like there is no reasoning with her, unfortunately. I wish I could offer some advice...it's so tough when it's your own mother. The only thing I could offer is to tell the children that sometimes grandma says things that aren't right and that she can't help it, but assure them that she loves them and that they did nothing wrong.
If you are not able to cut ties with her (understandingly), then yes her to death when she comes over.....that's what I do when people annoy me.
Best of luck to you.
Are we sisters??? This sounds an awful lot like my mother (minus the back injury) ... but I'll not make this about me. I think I understand though.
Anyway, of course you are angry... she said those things to your child. I refuse to leave my child alone with my family because of stunts like that. It's a form of rallying and manipulation. 
She's trying to get to you through your child. Emotional blackmail. It's tough when it's our mother because society tells us to honor / respect them, but emotional blackmail is nasty and can eat away at your core.
I agree with Adven68 advise about informing your kids on Granny's behavior - My mother is also bi-polar (unmedicated!)- so maybe this would be a good oportunity to brief them on that so they don't take her too seriously. You're their mother and if she says negative things about you, it will only alienate her.
Sorry this was so long- couldn't help responding.
GOOD LUCK - you know what's best for your kids, not anyone else. 
I feel like she was telling my child that she is not playing with her toys properly, and implying that my daughter's not grateful.
A part of me wants to just have no contact with her at all, but I feel bad cutting my children off from someone who loves them. They are in GA and we're in PA, so really we only see them a couple of times a year, but OMG she still gets to me. My poor brother and his wife...
Then I say to myself, do I want my children to be exposed to someone as crazy as her?
You don't have to put up with that, she may have given birth to you but you're an adult and in your house are free to lay down the law. Next time they come over tell her that she isn't to say ANYTHING to the children unless you're present.
Don't feel bad about putting the toys in storage, most children aren't ready for those types of items until they're much older. If you don't think they're anything the kids are going to want in the future put them on ebay and use the profits to buy them toys they'll like. DON'T feel guilty if you do this, they kids will be far better off with something they'll use instead of stuff they might trash when they're adults.
I definately agree that it's hard when it comes to your mom or any close family member for that matter. We had a situation close to that too, unfortunately (or fortunately depending on how you look at it) in our family we have all inherited the chronic family disease called sarcasim. 
When my interfereing grandmother-in-law (trust me she's not THAT old or THAT fragile) did the same thing with too expensive, fragile and non-age appropriate gifts nothing worked until the fated day that she had a nasty comment to make and my response was "why don't you just buy them a gun 
, a) they're very expensive b)they dont want one and c) they're way to young to know how to handle it. I can see it now, Merry Christmas here's your Glock." That was the last time we had the problem.
OMG cookinut, that is soo funny! My family is down south, so she might take the gun as a good suggestion, though! AND-I might be tempted to use it on her! 
speaking of guns, a friend of mine actually bought my eldest a BB gun when he turned 1!! and my husband brought home a 2 wheeler bike on the same birthday for him. I thought it was just a guy thing until this post 
Course, the BB gun is put away up where they don't even know where it is. It won't be used until the youngest is old enough to know better. At least we're out in the country now where it might be useful...
I understand the manipulative mother situation. My mom is great but my best friend's mom...whew! She's a piece of work. My friend moved to TX (from OH), mostly to get away from her and because her husband is from TX. Oh, you'd think she was leaving for good and never coming back. Her mom plays guilt trips like you wouldn't believe, playing games, manipulating, etc etc... Now she wants her to come visit for Thanksgiving and she's not even wanting to visit anymore even if they pay the way. I'm planning a trip back to Ohio the week after Thanksgiving so that's the only reason she's going!
Don't people like that know that they're just alienating themselves???
Trust me one day your kids will say something to her and then maybe she'll get the idea.
Unless you want to break off contact I suggest that you take the "whatever you say" additude. It sounds like you will never do anything to please her.
LaSombra..your friend had a great idea 'leave OH and move to Tx'. Did the same thing myself and have never looked back.
She is #1 at controlling people through guilt. Someone suggested telling my kids that she is not right in the head. I think that I may do that in a nice way. I think that my dd is able to understand that, so if my mom says something hurtful dd will know that she didn't mean it.
A part of me wants to just have no contact with her at all, but I feel bad cutting my children off from someone who loves them.
You have to ask yourself, does this seem like something a loving grandma would do or say? She is making this all about HER...giving the kids what SHE wants to give...acting hurt and resentful because they aren't properly grateful to HER...My ex-MIL was the very same way. She always wanted to see the kids play with the expensive collectible toys she gave them. So I would drag them out of the attic so she could see how they played, then back into the attic they went. You won't be able to talk her out of this or make her see reason. If you only see her a few times a year, put the toys in a box, put the box away and only bring it out when she's around. HTH
Coming from a similar background (crazy-a$$ mother) I can sympathize. I can also say that telling dd that grandma is a fruit-loop isn't necessarily best. She may become worried that if grandma is nuts, maybe she will be too... Just tell her that Grandma is mad and saying mean things to try to get her way. Use it as a teaching example for good manners.
As for your sMother... take a deep breath, calm down, step back from the situation and think about what it is that's REALLY going to annoy her. You know what it is, you've known her all of your life . I know that mine hates it when her children consider moving away... so when she does things to irritate me because she's nervous or bored (yes, that's why she does it) I just start flipping through real estate brochures or mention this amazing show about Oregon or Alaska... then she will obsess and freak out over that and not be bored or nervous about whatever else she was nervous about before.
Actually, I have an older brother who moved to Alaska then to Nova Scotia and a sister who lived in Siberia and Berlin for a while... Interesting how some people live close to their parents and some people move half way across the world from them, isn't it?
speaking of guns, a friend of mine actually bought my eldest a BB gun when he turned 1!! and my husband brought home a 2 wheeler bike on the same birthday for him. I thought it was just a guy thing until this post
Course, the BB gun is put away up where they don't even know where it is. It won't be used until the youngest is old enough to know better. At least we're out in the country now where it might be useful...
My FIL bought my son his first gun before he was 2 (he didn't shoot it until he was about 5) and his first real bow and arrows when he was 6 but he says that when the kids are old enough to buy a BB gun on their own they can have one, that means 18. His theory on it is that he owns too many guns and there are too many households with unsecured guns around here for the kids to ever use something that might develop dangerous habits. The children are also not allowed toy guns unless they're squirt guns and can't use them unless they're filled with water.
For the "guy" toys it is a man thing, my husband is cheap about buying the kids toys but last summer he bought a small dirt bike for the oldest and in the last 2 years has purchased 2 guns that are child sized to go with the one we already have. He's also gleefully told me that with a training course the kids can get a motorcycle operating liscense with restrictions for size/times either when they're 14 or 15 in our state. 
I'm thinking not on that one.
I kind of know exactly how you feel. My DM always buys the kids stuff they can't use or don't want to. Like my daughter collector barbies...We don't have room for ANYTHING that sits on ANYTHING lol. With 3 kids and a DH we are lucky we all have beds. Anyways you did your part, you told her to please buy them age appropriate things. MAYBE what you ought to do is return the items to the stores. Most places will exchange "gifts".
(((((((((((hugs from KENTUCKY)))))))))))
This to shall pass
Christi
I made the decision years ago that I did not want my children exposed to a crazy women, ergo my 15 year old has only seen her maternal grandmother a couple of times and both of those were only because we were at a funeral. I do NOT regret cutting the ties from a "psycho bit**" crazy women who has turned 5 of her 6 children against her.
My attitude on inappropriate gifts: If you choose to waste your money on toys that are inappropriate (loud, not age-appropriate, etc), then you WILL waste your money. There is NO rule that says just because YOU are an idiot about buying toys for kids, that I have to live with your stupidity.
"Gosh why don't I see those beautiful Franklin Mint dolls sitting around?"
"Because it was a stupid thing to buy for a little kid who would be MUCH happier with a Fisher Price toy that they can actually play with."
(But then .... I tend to be kind of a blunt person! On my defense, I come from a family that you really DO have to hit them in the head with a brick before they actually get it!) 
I made the decision years ago that I did not want my children exposed to a crazy women, ergo my 15 year old has only seen her maternal grandmother a couple of times and both of those were only because we were at a funeral. I do NOT regret cutting the ties from a "psycho bit**" crazy women who has turned 5 of her 6 children against her.
My attitude on inappropriate gifts: If you choose to waste your money on toys that are inappropriate (loud, not age-appropriate, etc), then you WILL waste your money. There is NO rule that says just because YOU are an idiot about buying toys for kids, that I have to live with your stupidity.
"Gosh why don't I see those beautiful Franklin Mint dolls sitting around?"
"Because it was a stupid thing to buy for a little kid who would be MUCH happier with a Fisher Price toy that they can actually play with."
(But then .... I tend to be kind of a blunt person! On my defense, I come from a family that you really DO have to hit them in the head with a brick before they actually get it!)
Indydebi... you go girl!!! 
However, I'm still on the fense about whether to cut ties completely (or keep trying to sheild my daughter from a selfish chain-smoking, pathological lying, "thinks she's still 22"..etc) Needless to say there are no unsupervised visits. I love my Mom, but I do not like her very much.
It really is difficult raising parents, these days. 
PS. the comment about chain smoking was added only because she would smoke near my daughter without a thought if I didn't forbid it. I was not attacking smokers...
Tynie, I will be the first to say that cutting those ties is/was the most difficult decision to make. It is not one that you can be "talked into" ... it must be totally and completely your call.
But I am here to tell you that when I stepped over that big barrier that was blocking my own life, once I crossed to the other side, it was the weight of the world being lifted from me.
Mine was also a liar ... we called it habitual liar. No rhyme or reason. She'd lie about the sun coming up if it somehow made her the center of attention. Look up the word "narcissist" on the 'net. It's scary. Very, very scary.
I got sick and tired of having to be careful about what I said (because of how she'd lie and turn it around to god knows what); I got sick and tired of having to protect my children from her lies; I got sick and tired of having to check with my siblings to see what version THEY heard so we could figure out what the heck was really going on; I just got sick and tired of it.
I could go on for days about it.
It's not easy to do. But if you choose to do it, if your mom is like mine (and she sounds very very close), then you won't regret it. You will be amazed how relaxed you will become about your entire life.
Debi-I'm like you, blunt and to the point, but it is like I speaking freakin' Mandarin Chinese to her or soemthing. It's like she isn't processing what I am saying. But the world revolves around her, so how dare my 2 and 4 year olds not like their Franklin Mint dolls? As a side note to this: she got my son a collection of Steiff bears that were $250/each, and they are holding FLOWERS. Why in the hell would a little boy want teddy bears that he can't play with, that are holding flowers? My mother lies, just like yours. And she's so out of it from her Oxycontin and 1.5 ml bottle of chardonnay every day, that she drinks a day, she starts to believe her lies. Infuriating.
she starts to believe her lies. Infuriating.
We describe mine as "She thinks about what she WANTED to say and by the time she's done thinking about, she honestly believes that she DID say it .... and that's the story that gets told."
You got that right, Debi. She's the queen of snappy remarks 2 hours after an incident.
But here is an example of her lies. There is a nice couple who have an antique shop downtown, with their apartment above it. This is across the street from a restaurant where my parents eat a lot. So my parents got m&m's from a machine outside the restaurant and were throwing the m&m's at the windows of the couple's apartment to be funny. (On oxycontin and chardonnay it was probably mildly funny.) So the next time the lady saw my parents, she nicely asked my mother to not throw m&m's any more b/c it made their sidewalk dirty and ants got inside the antique shop. That weekend, we had a wedding in Savannah, and my mother was saying she was afraid this lady would BURN DOWN THEIR HOUSE. Totally ridiculous, right? This is a wonderful woman in her mid-50's, and threatened no such thing. Over the years it became the story that the lady said she would do it, and later, my mother acccused this lady of stealing their cat. They live 1 block away from a major highway and have had other cats come and go, but somehow this lady stole my mother's cat.
Michelle, I haven't spoken to my dad in over 6 years. It took me years to finally cross that line. And now that I have, my life is SO much better!! I'm pretty sure that my dad is bipolar with narcissistic d/o, but he'll never go to a psychiatrist. My sister, on the other hand, is your mom in the making, minus the booze. And she does have positive diagnoses! She has more, but I usually tune her out after the first two. She gave my son a set of Franklin Mint coins for his birthday this last weekend. Or at least, she meant to, but forgot them at home, thank goodness! But she went on and on about them at the party! She does the same thing to her own kids. I see her very rarely, thank goodness, and only for my mother's sake. If she were ever to say anything inapporpriate to my kids, she can join the list with my father!! My kids are too precious to expose to that crap. And I'm so much happier without it, too!
I just know that whatever I do, I will be turned into a bad guy. They got mad and left, drove all the way back to GA once when I got upset that my dad was sneaking cigarettes in my 2 month old house. They told everyone down there that we threw them out, when in reality I asked them to please not leave. And now, my mom remembers the whole thing as me "kicking them out."
I just know that whatever I do, I will be turned into a bad guy. They got mad and left, drove all the way back to GA once when I got upset that my dad was sneaking cigarettes in my 2 month old house. They told everyone down there that we threw them out, when in reality I asked them to please not leave. And now, my mom remembers the whole thing as me "kicking them out."
Having crossed the line of cutting mine out of my life, my reaction is "So?" If you know how they are, then so do a lot of other people.
don't spend your energies worrying about what crazy people think. Walk away and move on.
When my youngest was born, my mother told everyone that I told her she wasn't "allowed" at the hospital. It was her way of wanting to be the center of attention.
When my dad had his 7th hip surgery, she was in the waiting room, stood up and "faked" her knee giving out, so everyone would notice that SHE needed some attention, too.
When my brother was divorced and moved in with them for a few weeks, she would turn off the electricity to his room "to save on the utility bill" so his alarm clock wouldnt' go off, his daughter would miss the bus and he would be late for work. But she depicted herself as the "victim", to be the center of attention, so everyone would feel sorry for HER, because everyone knows how much an alarm clock runs up the light bill! She didn't factor that everyone thought she was a psychotic nut for shutting the power off to one room!
I dont' regret one second of not having this craziness in my life anymore.
I dont' regret one second of not having this craziness in my life anymore.
amen
Who cares what they think?! I'm sure my dad has been telling anyone who will listen how I have abandoned him after taking the best years of his life and he has only done his best, sacrificed his all, put me through college (even though mom and I managed that,) and how I am denying him being able to see his grandchildren, even though he never spent any time with them before, choosing birthday parties of his friends' kids over his own grandkids. And as far as my sister is concerned, everything bad that has ever happened to her is everyone else's fault except her own, despite a lifetime of poor choices. When she stabbed me with a pair of scissors when my oldest was a baby, the Sheriff's report has her stating that everything bad in her life is my fault. The violence, threats and posturing continued until one day she was screaming at me, inches from my face, that I was pushing her to the edge. I stepped even closer to her, calmly looked her in the eye, and said, "good, then it will be easier to throw you over it." I've never had a problem with her since, except for the snide remarks and the fact that I have issues with how she causes problems in my neice and nephew's lives.
If you really want a laugh, you should have heard what my ex was saying about me to his then-girlfriend, now single mother of a child with the same genetic syndrome that my oldest has. All I was missing was the broom and the pointy hat! I just had to laugh, it was hilariously pathetic! The only people I care about their opinion, are the people with whom I can share respect.
I dont' regret one second of not having this craziness in my life anymore.
amen
Who cares what they think?! I'm sure my dad has been telling anyone who will listen how I have abandoned him after taking the best years of his life and he has only done his best, sacrificed his all, put me through college (even though mom and I managed that,) and how I am denying him being able to see his grandchildren, even though he never spent any time with them before, choosing birthday parties of his friends' kids over his own grandkids. And as far as my sister is concerned, everything bad that has ever happened to her is everyone else's fault except her own, despite a lifetime of poor choices. When she stabbed me with a pair of scissors when my oldest was a baby, the Sheriff's report has her stating that everything bad in her life is my fault. The violence, threats and posturing continued until one day she was screaming at me, inches from my face, that I was pushing her to the edge. I stepped even closer to her, calmly looked her in the eye, and said, "good, then it will be easier to throw you over it." I've never had a problem with her since, except for the snide remarks and the fact that I have issues with how she causes problems in my neice and nephew's lives.
If you really want a laugh, you should have heard what my ex was saying about me to his then-girlfriend, now single mother of a child with the same genetic syndrome that my oldest has. All I was missing was the broom and the pointy hat! I just had to laugh, it was hilariously pathetic! The only people I care about their opinion, are the people with whom I can share respect.
I just know that whatever I do, I will be turned into a bad guy. They got mad and left, drove all the way back to GA once when I got upset that my dad was sneaking cigarettes in my 2 month old house. They told everyone down there that we threw them out, when in reality I asked them to please not leave. And now, my mom remembers the whole thing as me "kicking them out."
Having crossed the line of cutting mine out of my life, my reaction is "So?" If you know how they are, then so do a lot of other people.
indydebi is right, why should you care?
My mother is the sweetest person you'll ever know and my father is an alcoholic retired soldier who has emotionally and verbally abused us for years. It took us finally deciding that we didn't care if my mother got upset when everyone left when my father would blow up to have mom lay down the law to the old goat. We were down for Labor Day weekend and for the first time EVER there wasn't screaming fights. My mom made my dad cut down on the drinking (he won't quit since he doesn't think there's a problem) and told him to behave or all his kids would leave. I don't know how often he gets upset anymore, I limit visits to no more than 3 a year and I haven't asked my siblings, but I know that it's the method all the siblings use when he gets mad.
Our method only works when one parent is reasonable though.
My dad is no help whatsoever. He enables her. I've tried to talk to him about getting her help, and he ran right to her and told her what I said in a mean, gossipy way. My husband says he's a pu$$y, doesn't want to deal with her and her crap. He goes to bed at like 8 PM and my mother really starts boozing then, and then the drunken phone calls start.
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