Okay so I don't know where else to get help on this...... my husband and I fight over cleaning ALL the time. I think I've relaxed my cleaning tendancies A LOT but that doesn't seem good enough. I asked him to clean the bathroom and it took him 2 weeks to finally get around to do it. His excuses are "that's life- you're going to have to deal with it", and "well I didn't have time" and "when I get home I want to relax". I've told him "that's nice- who doesn't want to relax when they get home?" He doesn't seem to understand that I want the house to be cleaned at least once a week. I do a lot of the cleaning but I refuse to let him get away scot-free without lifting a finger. It's not like I wouldn't rather be doing cakes or something instead of cleaning! But I'll fold laundry in front of the TV or put clothes in the wash while I exercise - or do the dishes and run them before I leave or something. He still has trouble remembering that garbage day is Wednesday! (As it has been for the past year and a half!). Do any of you have this problem? Any suggestions???
Oh one more thing - his eating habits are atrocious. I'd love to just be like "oh I didn't feel like doing dinner tonight - that's life" and have him make his own but he'll eat rice for dinner - yep just rice. Or frozen pizza or a cinnabon or he'll go to Taco Bell or something. And when he says he's trying to lose weight all he does is skip meals....... not the best way to do it! I've told him how important it is to me that he eats a little healthier and exercises at least a little bit - if not just for his overall health and wellness at least he could do it b/c I don't find potbellies attractive (he's not there yet but he's on his way). Any tips or suggestions for you all?
By the way - we've only been married for a year so I'm reaching out to those of you who have been married for awhile! - perhaps you have tips on working the "kinks" out!
I've been married for a little over 8 years, and all I can say is good luck! My dh will do things that I ask.....eventually. We don't have a dishwasher right now, and I HATE to do dishes, so we take turns. He does them most of the time, but the times that he skips, I refuse to do them for him unless we are having company or something. The best way for me to get him to do things I ask is to ask, and then leave it til he does it. He's pretty good about it now, but he just put away 2 loads of laundry last night that waited in our bedroom for him for almost 3 weeks 
As far as the weight, my dh has a potbelly now, and I don't find it attractive at all. I told him that I don't find his father's belly attractive, and that he's headed there. I used to be nice and say he was getting chunky, but finally told him he's on his way to fat. Our four year old told him this weekend that he was fat and has bigger boobs than mom does, and he did NOT hear it from me!
LOL on the boobs thing - has your husband seen that commercial for bally's or something gym and there's a baby and it goes up to the dad who has his shirt off and is pretty chunky and the baby starts sucking his nipple? And then the advertisement is something like "feeling a little too fat" or something like that..... it's a funny commercial. But it's not funny when I work out so hard and try to eat healthy and do things to stay "attractive", "healthy", and be a good "partner" and he doens't really do anything. I even bought him a workout tape from TV that he said he would do - it's been sitting on the shelf for almost a year now - he's not used it even once.
As far as the cleaning - yeah I've done that "leave it until he does it" stuff..... but then when I need a spoon or a bowl and the dishes haven't been done..... or the grill hasn't been cleaned since hte last time he used it a month ago and now I need it...... or the clothes - UGH! All he has to do is PUT THEM AWAY and he acts like it's the biggest chore.... and he HAS to leave his "semi-clean" clothes by the side of the bed in this lovely little pile.... it drives me nuts and he knows it but doesn't want to change....... I just don't understand it. I've tried to change some of my habits - like not running the dishwasher or laundry at night (which is freakin hard to not do b/c I don't have time during the day - i'm at work - and like I want to come home and right away do laundry and crap at the end of my day! - Anyway, he doesn't seem to want to make any real compromises or changes....... I guess I'm disappointed and hurt and he DOESN'T GET IT!
So does anyone else out there have any tips for both of us?? 
They do not change. If anything, it gets worse.
They key is to pick your battles.
My fiance and I will both be starting our second marriages, and know what to expect. His job is the dishes, so I leave them. Period. His family is the only one around, and they know how he is. He gets them done eventually, and I wash the things I care about as I go.
Laundry- I wash, but will not put away clothes. We have clothes that have not been put away since summer. His excuse is no one sees our bedroom anyway, which is valid, so I let it go.
Garbage- It gets outside (son's job), but I do not take it to the road. He forgot for 2 weeks straight, and it sat in the plastic bins till he remembered. If it's in the yard, it's his problem.
Bathroom and litterbox- I wipe down the sink and shower when I get out of the shower. Toilet and litterbox are not mine. Use a good odor covering litter.
Livingroom- When it gets on my nerves too bad, I ask for "inspection level clean" within 24 hours. Marines, gotta love the training. Do not use more than once per month, and stay out of the house while it is being cleaned.
That's what works for us. The best option, IMO, is to get a maid - and it comes out of his spending cash.
FlyLady!! It's done wonders for around here. It has even made DH pitch in more. It took a while, but he's gotten really good about emptying the dishwasher and reloading it with dirty stuff. Patience is the key.
Check out FlyLady's suggestions. http://www.flylady.net
Men are men, they don't get it, never will, but hopefully he'll get on board with you.
My DH will do anything I ask, but sees nothing that has to be done on his own. He sits on his rear on a Sunday morning while I'm getting breakfast made, the baby changed and dressed, snacks made, clothes out for the older two, Sunday school stuff together and oh yeah, gotta work a shower in for me too. DH is oblivious!!
I went through this when I got married. I married a military man thinking this wouldn't be a problem. HA!
He would fuss about things being left around. I had a daughter when we married, she was three. So I got sick & tired of his nagging.
For the next two weeks she & I would keep anything of ours picked up, not his. I also didn't cook for him. I did however cook all of his favorite meals for my daughter & I. I got home before him, cooked & cleaned up. He came hiome & would comment how how wonderful dinner smelled. I would say " Oh, you went to your moms house?" After McDonalds's & such for those two weeks. He was ready to talk. I asked him to tell me what was lying around. Once he realized it was all his. He started to clean up. Especially since I would invite HIS friends over during this time. 
We will be married 11 yrs. soon. He now cleans. During 11 yrs. he has had a "minor" heart attack( due to his diet), 2 spinal fusions, 3 T.I.A. strokes. I monitor everyhting he eats. Sorry for the book.
Flylady.net is a great site! Just checked it out today. I'll be honest, I wear pajamas more than real clothes. I tried just the getting dressed part today (afternoon), and I've gotten more done this afternoon than on any regular 2-3 day stretch. Interesting theory, but it works. My fiance said he'd try it with me (meaning he'll put up with it until I give it up) so we'll see what happens.
I love flylady although I am not "flying" at the moment. You do get a lot of emails but they do help you to get stuff done. I have a bad habit of flitting around the house picking up stuff but never really getting clean.
OK my DH... seems like he won't do anything. Well he will do it if I ask, but I seems like it take an hour to wash 5 minutes of dishes. I won't even ge on the other stuff, but ya I feel you! oh yea we just moved.. Into a SMALLER house (long story, but for good reasons) so Sunday him and the kids stayed home from church and when I came back they weren't dressed, the breakfast dishes were still in the sink, on the stove etc. The clean laundry that they were sitting by when I left was still there and all that jazz!
sometimes he acts (doesnt say outloud) like since I am at home I should do EVERYTHING but I'm like come on, puhlease I don't have to do everything.. can u at least do something... but I do luv him and I do realize that he aint gonna change until he gets good and ready LOL. there are some things he did that I hated and the just seemed to magically dissappear one day.. so Im hoping this for that again..
didnt mean to jack ur thread 
my DH use to clean the whole house and wash dishes for me almost once a week, he would also help fold laundry too! In case you didn't catch that in the first sentance it was USE TO CLEAN!
I can hardly get him to do anything anymore! With the more kids we add the less he does (we have 4 and that's a good enough number for me) He will hardly even rinse his plate off and forget about him touching a dirty dish the acid from the tomatos might eat his skin off for goodness sakes 
He put his clothes away this week for the first time in 16 months!!!!!!! They were just in piles on the floor (everything clean) and he called it his floor closet. I told him I have 4 kids and my own clothes to put away everyday and he's 30 and can do it himself! I do 3 loads of laundry or more a day and wash dishes 5 or more times and clean at least 2-3 rooms everyday. Why can't he help??? and I'm sorry but supervising is NOT helping your wife. He will take turns with me taking the trash out though and he will vaccum and mop about 1 or 2 times a month. If you find a magic potion please pass the name along to me and others like us!
I have been married to the same man for 35 years! I have considered killing him a few times over the years. It wouldn't be hard. All I would need to do is stop cooking. He would starve to death. I would say for the first 15 years nag was my middle name. I just couldn't seem to accept the fact that he was not going to help around the house in anyway. Not sure why I gave up, but I did. He never even noticed. After all those years of being asked and preached to about helping you would have thought he would have noticed I had stopped but he didn't. I guess looking back now it was the best thing for me to do because after I had accepted him for the way he was, and realized that he was not going to change I found a peace in my marriage that I had not had before. Letting the resentment go helped me more than getting the help around the house, but I don't think I will read anymore of this post just in case someone has the perfect solution for you. I would hate to find out I had been doing the shopping, cleaning, and cooking all these years for nothing! Sending lots of good luck thoughts your way!
I had to jump in on this one. I can't complain about my dh not cleaning now that I am a sahm. But I have the inside of the house...he has the outside. All I ask is that he not pee on the toilet seat and when he does use the clorox cleanup wipes and take care of it. But there is one thing that drives me absolutely insane! (ok maybe more than one but if I made a list I'd be here all night)
When he makes his coffee in the morning he pours it into his cup pours his milk and sugar and then takes the spoon to stir. when he is done the spoon goes on the counter 2 inches away from the @$%# sink! What is that? like an extra 2 inch reach would kill him!
One would think that after 6 years of being together (1.5 married) he knows I am not a morning person so why does he do things in the morning that is going to piss me off? Why I ask?
I think we are all fighting an uphill battle. I agree with Zmama you gotta pick your battles.
What is it with men then??? Why do we have to "give up" with them helping??? I just don't get it. Do we not teach our sons (okay I don't have kids but I'm just saying) to clean up? I know I used to get really mad at my mom when she would pick things up for my brother...... he was old enough at that time (and now) to pick things up himself! I think she got tired of waiting..... but I just don't understand.... is there a cleaning gene that God forgot to give men?? Or did men just learn how to supress it somehow?? I guess I don't understand why dirty stuff doesn't bother men either.... I can understand to an extent.... like I don't clean everything everyday and you'd never find me as one of those people on "wife swap" who has to have everything neat and orderly and perfect - but come on, you COULD rinse and recycle your cans (it takes about 15 seconds) and pick up your plate and put it in the sink, etc.....
Oh btw - my husband too has that "floor closet" and it drives me nuts. I guess what disappoints me the most is that our husbands KNOW that this stuff aggrivates us and that our marriages would probably be better and WE would be happier if they would help out a little more - and yet they seem to refuse to do it. I guess I believe in a partnership that you need to learn a little bit about your partner and what irks them and what they like and try to not do so many things that irk them and try to do things that they like to show that you love them......to just be considerate of each other - so maybe that's the gene they're missing - the considerate gene.... the world "revolves around them" - HOW do they get this thinking? We need to find out and "nip it in the butt!" I do know that when I have kids I WILL refuse to pick up things they are perfectly capable of picking up and they WILL have chores and consequences (yeah I know all of this is easier said than done).
I'm going to check out that flylady stuff - it looked interesting but I haven't had time to go through it yet. Thanks to everyone for letting me know at least I"m not the only one! It just baffles me though that somehow we all "put up with it" and don't require men to change these lazy, selfish habits. <sigh> I'll let you know if I find that magic potion!
Oh one more thing - yeah w/ the "outside" stuff- my husband NEVER seems to mow the lawn. I refuse to do it b/c I have no idea how and no intention to learn something like that - I'd rather pay someone to do it but of course then it would come out of MY pocket..... alright I'll end my rant here! Sorry for going so long!
ROTFLMAO!! I honestly had no idea other men had "floor closets!" I didn't have a name for that either, so this is quite educational I love my husband to death, but like you all, I don't know why he can't do one single thing without being asked (read: nagged). I'll ask him to do something and he gets mad because I get mad at him 2 hours later when it's still not done. I was always taught that if I saw something that needed to be done, I should do it. Period. Unfortunately, he did not learn that anywhere along the way.
I get along well with my in-laws, but this should tell you a little about how my husband grew up - When my SIL was fresh out of college, she moved back home to save money for a house. No big deal, BUT, my MIL would make her bed every morning and make her breakfast!! My mom didn't make my bed for me past maybe 2nd grade, so clearly we grew up with different responsibilities and I have to think that's (a big) part of the problem. I honestly don't know if it will ever change, so I'm sorry I don't have any advice for you!
-Lisa
Good point, bluehen. My fiance's mom isn't like that, she's the opposite. They lost everything in a fire, and from the sounds of it she went from Suzie Homemaker to not caring about things at all (bad depression). His father was of the "that's women's work" line.
THANK GOD he went through the Marines and actually knows how to do it, even if he doesn't usually get to it. Like I said before, about once a month he cleans to inspection levels. The rest of the time I try not to nag too much.
Maybe it's not fair that we women get stuck doing most of the work, but there's another side. A lot of men either don't notice or don't care. If it doesn't matter to them, why should they do it? It is great if they will do it for us, but we can't rely on it. It's not usually anything against us if they don't help, just the way things are. We can live with it, or we can clean to our liking. Don't do it for them, do it for us and our children.
I tell my daughter - "The boys are supposed to do x,y, and z. However, if they don't and we want it done, the girls just have to do it." "Yep, Mommy, if the boys don't the girls have to." Hopefully if she understands now it will help her get through this problem later.
Oh I think we should teach our sons that they need to clean up after themselves...... forget about teaching the girls that "eventually you'll have to do it!" - but that's just my opinion...
Zmama - my mother has made my bed and made me breakfast and spoiled me... BUT I still figured out how to clean things and I DO pick up after myself.... sometimes I didn't do it when she wanted and now I understand... I guess that's coming back to bite me!
Maybe schools need a class called "how to clean up after yourself" Then they could teach the BOYS and the girls how to clean stuff.... I got to college and told my roommate "it's your turn to clean the toilet" - her response? "I don't know how"..... um I read hte back of the clenaing bottle and figured it out! I also met a girl who didn't know how to use a plunger..... now I know how to use that! We had a toilet that clogged all the time! But it was funny. I guess the only way to standardize that evveryone gets taught this stuff is to put it in school's - who's with me?
I'm cracking up reading this!
Turns out that I am the one with the "floor closet" in our house 
but it's in a laundry basket that sits on MY side of the bed, out of quick viewing.
Just had to post a quick gripe, like the coffee spoon. DH makes eggs most mornings on his own. Uses a wooden spoon or spatula. For some reason, the scrub brush never seems to get the egg off those spoons! And it sits out all day even when the dishwasher is empty! Grrr. So I refuse to scrub them, pop them right in the dishwasher. Guess what that does. Bakes on the eggs even more! So I put them right back in the utensil holder.
I would think he would catch on and think that it was gross by now. NOPE. I just don't get it.
So every few months I get new ones, since they're cheap. And don't use them when I bake. They're HIS gross nasty egg spoons. And I use the nice fancy heat-proof spatulas!
DH will complain that the house is a mess, and I just point out all the stuff that's HIS thats just laying around. After a bit of analysis on my part, he's the messy one who is a neat freak in his head! He appears to NOT see the bottle caps, shoes, hangers and dishes that HE leaves lying around. So I make a point (sometimes) to pick up after MYSELF. Keeps it just slightly neater looking and is a great "conversation" starter should he start to complain! heee heee. It's evil, I know.
We still argue about household stuff though, try to switch it up a bit sometimes.
The best way we clean together is to have company over! So 2 hours before they get there is crazy teamwork cleaning time. Gets the house ready for company AND gets everyone involved in the cleanup!
Glad to know I'm not alone. We've been married a little over 8 years. My DH will do anything I ASK HIM. NO real initiative to do anything on his own. I love him to death but he never puts anything back where it belongs. If he drinks the last drop of oj from the carton or eats the last crumbs of cereal he leaves the empty containers on the kitchen counter. He also has a "floor closet" but I dealth with that early on by switching sides of the bed, now his side of the bed is near the wall and I don't see it when I walk in the bedroom. I've also tried to pick my battles with him and ease up on the resentment because I realized he wasn't effected by it at all, but I was burning up! Now I do most of the cooking but if for some reason I don't feel like it I only concern myself with what the kids will eat he's a grown man and can fend for himself. And the diet stuff, before we were married he would eat potato chips for dinner. I try to make healthy meals but he always wants salty snacks after dinner and he takes meds for blood pressure! He has a pot belly which I find unattractive, but what can I do? If I gained weight I wouldn't want him nagging me about it.
And I think those of us with sons can change the next generation! My boys are 6 and 4. They make their beds (its messy but its the principle and I don't fix it!), put their dirty clothes in the hamper, pick up their own toys, dust, put their dirty plates in the sink, fold towels, take out the garbage and put the silverware away from the dishwasher. If I go to church on Sunday and they don't go with me, they expect donuts and bagels but no one gets anything unless teeth are brushed, faces washed, clothes are on and beds are made!
czy - OMG! Mine has a pan and a spatula that are "not allowed" to be washed. Kept trying to steal mine, but NO WAY are my dishes being gross. He now has his own, never washed, that he uses for eggs and grilled cheese. "They can be wiped out with a paper towel, but not washed. It seasons the pan that way." WTH??? It's not cast iron, just stainless.
He tried doing this with coffee cups, but I put my foot down. "It's what my dad did." Yeah, well, sorry your mom put up with it, I won't. Nothing like having grimy mugs with floaties for breakfast. EEEW!
And I think those of us with sons can change the next generation! My boys are 6 and 4. They make their beds (its messy but its the principle and I don't fix it!), put their dirty clothes in the hamper, pick up their own toys, dust, put their dirty plates in the sink, fold towels, take out the garbage and put the silverware away from the dishwasher. If I go to church on Sunday and they don't go with me, they expect donuts and bagels but no one gets anything unless teeth are brushed, faces washed, clothes are on and beds are made!
YEAH FOR YOU!!!! KEEP IT UP!!
Imartsy - I also agree about teaching our sons to clean after themselves, but what's the chance she'll find one who will? My DIL will love me, though! DS is 8 and self-sufficient. Even makes coffee in the mornings for me. Actually both kids are very good about helping out, but ds needs a list where dd sees it and does it. Genetics? I agree that there may be dna missing regardling males and noticing things!
Actually both kids are very good about helping out, but ds needs a list where dd sees it and does it. Genetics? I agree that there may be dna missing regardling males and noticing things!
I think it is genetics. I tease my dh that he has problems with his "guy sight", because he can look right at something and not see it. I don't even bother to ask him where he has already looked when he can't find something, because it's no guarantee that it isn't right there in plain sight. He used to call me at work to ask where he put something. (Like I can see where it is from work...funny thing though, usually I would know.)
I shouldn't complain too much, though. He does the dishes and his and my laundry. He used to do the yardwork (when the weeds got too tall to walk through), but we finally got a gardner. I do all of the cooking (except my son's dinner one or two nights a week), shopping, and the vast majority of cleaning. I don't think dh has ever dusted in his life! We both work full time, but I work 1/5 of my hours from home--not all in one day unfortunately.
My ds (13) does his own laundry and makes his own dinner a couple of evenings a week.
I strongly believe in bringing sons up self-sufficient with regards to self-care. My husband wasn't taught how to do anything except mow the lawn.
RP
cheesy I know. Do all men keep their clothes till they fall off? I remember my dad having shirts older than me till his last wife threw them out.
I found a solution last night! He wanted a heavy bag for working out, like the big canvas punching bags. I took his old military bag ($7 at military surplus stores) and filled it with clothes we don't use. His shirts aren't gone, so he can't complain, but I found storage for them where he won't be wearing them. And they won't be on the "floor closet"!
"Guy-dar" - hehe I like it!
Zmama:
Do all men keep their clothes till they fall off? I remember my dad having shirts older than me till his last wife threw them out.
YES! My husband has a TON of socks - and most of them are with holes in them! I don't get it! MY mother actually bought him socks for Christmas one year - but we STILL have all those holey(sp?) ones!!! Drives me nuts! I don't know what it is about him and socks.... it's the same w/ jackets. He has a ton of coats/jackets that he doesn't ever wear - some of them he'll wear but it'll be like once in a blue moon - I keep trying to get him to give them to goodwill but it's some kind of weird "status" thing for him to have a lot of jackets...... you know for most men it's what kind of car they drive, the house they live in, etc..... nope for my man it's how many jackets he has..... even if his socks are full of holes!
We women are the only ones with sense
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