Let me first start by saying that I am a semi-active member of CC. I am posting under a different name because I am embarrassed and really just not ready to come out about this with my real name. I hope you all understand and do not flame me or belittle me for not wanting to post under me regular username.
With that being said I have developed bulimia almost a year ago. (if you don't want to hear details please stop reading now but to those that care and really want to know what it is like for me please read on) It has consumed my life. I will start by saying that I have always struggled with my weight ever since I was a child. I was never obese but I was always overweight. After having my children I gained a LOT of weigt and decided I needed to take it off and become healthy I ate very healthy and started exercising and the weight fell off for the first time in my life. I got down to a size 2/4 which I have NEVER been, I thought I was destined to a life of double digit pant sizes. Then the emotional stress from a bad marriage possibly coming to an end struck along with some mounting health problems because of that stress. my work schedule changed and I was unable to exercise at my normal time so it threw off my workout schedule and the holidays came.... around thanksgiving I ate too much one day ... because my stomach had shrunk over the year I could not eat as much as I normally did at holiday time so I ended up having to throw up just so I did not feel sick. And so it started. about 2 times a week I would binge and then throw it all back up .... I figured it was just a phase and after the holidays I would stop but it progressively got worse I have gotten into the habit of bingign and purging 2 sometimes 3 times a day. I feel physically ill all the time, I am weak and fatigued, my mood sucks and I just feel awful.
I told myself MANY MANY times that today is the day it all ends. but all I can think about is food. I try to et healthy but even eating one apple I physically feel fat and bloated, then the thoughts of more food loom in my mind. ALL I can think about is wanting to eat it takes everything I have to try and NOT think about eating ... but eating something else makes me feel more fat and I know I have to get it back up and at that point I know I plan to throw it up so I just go and eat more. I have tried eating healthy, I have tried just not eating at all because I know that if I take that first bite it is all over from there I will want more and will be unable to hold myself back.
I NEVER thought this would happen to me ... it is an addiction and I cannot kick it by myself .... it has gotten to be a physical addition, if I eat anything my body changes and I feel different and I just have to eat more ..... this has got to be the most horrible addiction that anyone could have .... it isn't like drugs or alcohol that you can quit and it will not hurt you to never do it again ... this is food, I have to eat to survive so my addiction is literally staring at me in the face every day, tunting me. It sucks.
I have a husband and children. I am not ready for them to know about this. I feel stupid for caring so much about what I look like. I feel STUPID knowing that this is killing me and doing perminant damage to my body but being unable to stop. I feel embarrassed that what I am doing in incredibly gross and disgusting. I feel stupid and embarrassed that I have let society and weight rule my thought process. I have looked all over the web for an online support group but I have not been able to find one yet. What I really want is some sort of online support group, I even thought of contacting a pastor/counselor but I don't think I am ready to face anyone in person right now. I knew I had a problem months ago but I have spent months on end trying to convince myself I can do this on my own and when I went searching for support groups and not finding any it just got worse.
I dont want to be like this anymore. I want to be healthy again. I don't want to obsess over my weight or my pant size. I don't want to be scared of food and what it will do to my waistline. If anyone knows of any support groups online that I could get started in I would really appreciate it. I just feel so stupid that logically I know that this is dumb and I am hurting myself I just can't stop.
I dont know anything about this, but you have got to go get help.... trying to go it alone has obviously not been working. I think its time to admit to your hubby and family and go find a center or a program that you can do...
Its just like how I suffer from anxiety (off and on) I know logically that I am really not dying right this minute but then the anxiety and panic takes over, my heart is racing or having palpatations that reinforces the feeling that I am dying etc etc..... no amount of telling myself I was being dumb worked. I had to go talk to my doc and get help.... mine was an easier fix (I got to take a pill for 6 months to sort of reset my brain) but 2 years later it started again and instead of letting it consume me I went back to the doc.......
you need to go to the professionals and let them help you.....
good luck!
I have struggled with eating disorders since I was 11 years old. My mother was a total nut, anorexic and alcoholic, and she gave me a hard time about my weight. Looking back at pictures of myself at that time, I was never fat at all! I just felt fat b/c I was in the 6th grade and my mother wore a smaller size jeans than me. She left books on eating disorders around for me to read during ther summer, and they were like my "how to" manual to lose weight. So the first time I threw up, I ate a package of hotdogs and threw them up, and couldn't stop doing it. I was caught a couple of times throughout the years, but I just promised to stop and they believed me.
When I was 19 or 20, I had gotten so good at vomiting, I could do it driving down the road into a coke can, but usually I would go to my room, vomit in a bag, and dispose of the bag later. My dog got one out of our garbage and drug it into the yard, so my parents drug me to a psychiatrist who did absolutely nothing for me.
Have you read When Food Is Love by Geneen Roth? She has a few other books too. Check them out. They are very good.
I know how you feel. It's not a fun place to be in. I got over it by allowing myself 800 calories a day, then 1000, then more. Usually I didn't meet those goals, but it got my stomach used to not vomiting after I ate. And I really and truly believe that going with my fiance to AA meetings helped me tremendously. Sometimes it was agony to get through an hour. I would say to myself that I had to make it through 5 minutes, then 10, etc., and eventually the urge went away.
I can't say that I'm totally over my eating disorder. It crosses my mind all the time. I don't think that I'llever be completely over it.
PM me if you want. I'm not ashamed to talk about my experience, and I am sure that there are more here on the board that have struggled with this, too.
Michelle
I still remember the first time I ate a large amount of food and then went and threw it up. I was in the fifth grade and we had bought chips and candy to take to a Christmas party at school. We never had junk food on hand and here I was all alone with a bag of Cool Ranch Doritios and some candy. I ate and ate and then thought, 'oh, you are going to be afat after that!" I got up and went an threw it all up. I felt like that was so easy, I ate everything I could find and threw it up that day. Due to my family always being around, I was never able to do it all the time. Thank god for this.
To this day, I struggle with food. It is my addition! I don't drink or smoke, I have never even wanted to try it. I think that this is because I had food. None of my family or friends know any of this. I still, occassionly, find myself in the bathroom doing this.
I know that you are scared and ashmed, I know that you're worried about all this. I hope that you can find someone you are comfortable talking to about this. I wish I could be of encouragement or have some words of wisdom for you, but I don't . I wish you the best and will be remembering you. Oh, and come here as much as you need to - we're here for you!
I strongly encourage you to seek out help. I too am a recovering bulemic. I binge and purged all through high school and college stopping only when the man I loved wouldn't marry me until I sought help. Contrary to what you said it is an addiction just like alcohol or drug abuse. I still remember the "high" feeling I would get after purging, and just like an former alcoholic I think about it every day. Sometimes every minute.
It is a very strong addiction to break and one I don't recommend doing alone. You took the bravest step by addmitting that something is wrong. Honestly everything is easier after this point because a support system will start falling into place. I suggest that you first find a licensed counslor trained in this disease ASAP. Whether you tell your amily before or after is up to you but you need to do that soon. They may not understand the whys but they hopefully will support you on your recovery.
A wonderful resource should you choose to actively seek help is www.nationaleatingdisorders.org. Also feel free to PM me at any time. Sometimes all I wanted was someone to listen to me whine about how much it sucked who had been there and done that 
.
Good luck in whatever you deside and know that you are better and stronger than anything that stands in your way.
Patricia
Many local hospitals have out-patient programs for various things (in the US at least). You can stop by and ask if they have one which can help you, or even call. You don't have your location posted or I would look it up for you and give you links or information. I know they have in-patient programs for such things, but I'm not sure about out-patient programs. But what I do know is that you need a support group to help you through this.
If they do have one for bulimia, you can go to the meetings that they offer without anyone really knowing at first. And then when you are more comfortable with the situation, you can tell your family. It'll be hard at first, as you probably know, but you can do it.
I've never suffered from an eating disorder, but I was accused for many years of having one when I was younger. So I understand you not wanting to come out with your name and such. Best of luck to you and be strong 
I forgot to add, Overeaters Anonymous is supposed to to be very good. I never did it, but I know people who say that it helped them.
My bulimia began at the age of 11, and I have made some choices that were wrong for me because of it. Now that I'm 37 and still struggling with it, I can see that I have totally changed the path of my life because of this disease. I'm talking about college major, relationsips, etc. Get it under control before it messes you up too much. You've been bulimic for a year or so, I've been bulimic for 26 years.
I agree that you need to seek professional help, but before you do, look at your insurance coverage to make sure that you go about it in the correct manner.
Thank you all for your kind words and encouragement. I may be PM'ing some of you in the future. I know that I will step forward one day and not be ashamed to say who I am. I just don't think I am at that point yet. I am still struggling with telling my husband. I almost talked myself out of postingon this board. I will get into a low and want help then start to feel better and convince myself I don't need help so I think it was just a matter of making sure I took advantage of my low and said something before i talked myself out of it again. I really appreciate that I can come here and you all share with me your experiences and are so encouraging. I am going to try hard to find some help I really want to get better and I am just tired of feeling like this. I feel like a prisoner.
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