ok, first off, I love my husband dearly and for the most part he is wonderful........He goes to Logan's and places like that and watches football with his buddies and that is fine, but for about the past month, he hasn't been coming home until 3:30 am, with the excuse that they went to so and so's house to play Poker. His son is on hte football team ant the high school and mine is in the marching band and we have only rode to one football game together. He usually meets up with my uncle at O'Charleys or something and they have a few "cocktails" before going to the game, only to bring the crap in and continue to drink. We don't sit together at the games or anything. Well this is the 2nd time we have been married (I left him the first time for this very same thing) For the most part, we get along, we have teenagers so it is a struggle. I am always suppose to be fine with him drinking before the game because he is with my uncle. I told him a couple of weeks ago that I didn't think I trusted him anymore and he swore he would never cheat on me and he loved me so much. Him and his buddy are partners in a fencing business so when it rains, they can't work. Well he hastarted going to a bar and playing Trivia on Wednesdays, which usually leads to an all nighter. I have a brother that is in prison for drugs and me and my mom are the only ones that visit him and it is like an hour and a half away and I go when I can. He always seems to throw that up in my face when I say something about him staying out all night long. He has gained some weight throughout our marriage and it bothers him, but he turns it around on me. Whenever I try to talk to him about things or tell him stuff about my friends, he turns it around when he has been drinking. Well, he went to a bar Saturday with friends to watch UT play and then came by to pick his son up because they were going to play poker. They came in around 1 am and slept most of the day, so there goes cleaning. I give up. I cannot get motivated to clean house and 2 or 3 o'clock. Well then he goes to watch the football game with buddies last night and you guessed it, came in at 3:30 am. I get up at 3:30 to get ready for work. So I told him this morning that I didn't trust him and after the first of the year, I was leaving and he said good I will sell the house and down-size. This afternoon, he will be sweet but I am over it. If I stayed out all night, he would swear that I was with every man that I came in to contact with. The best part is that in him gaining weight, his wedding band became too small. So I quit wearing mine and he finally got his sized. But then makes the comment that women like a man who wears a wedding band and then made out like he was joking........I love him but I am just not sure if I trust him.......I am not really sure what to do because he tells me that he loves me and swears that he wouldn't cheat on me.......Please give me some advice or words of encouragemnt
Well, first, sorry all this is happening. I have never been in this situation so I guess I can offer the old Dear Abby/Ann Landers question-would you be better off with him or without him? Does he want to make changes for a healthy relationship? For me, I couldn't live like that but there are lots of reasons why lots of people do. I decided a long time ago that I wanted people in my life that made it better. I realize of course that marriage is not sunshine and roses all the time but for me I want to feel secure and be able to trust the person I'm with. If you stay with him it might be helpful to get counseling on your own. You can ask him if he would go with you too. He might suprise you and go.
But, and this is important, if you decide to leave, make sure you are safe! Have a plan, get your financial things in order so you and your son are protected, see a lawyer, make sure you have a safe place to go. Do these things before you tell him. You hear about so many bad things that happen (not to say that anything will happen to you but you need to think defensively)
Best of luck to you with all this.
I could not live like that, whatever choices you make are your own of course but a husband who's never home because he's out drinking would drive me up the wall.
As far as trusting him what time do the bars close? Some states require them to close at certain times and if he's staying out well past that time the trust goes right there. I guess that the change in habits you mentioned seems very suspicious.
Good luck in whatever you decide.
It sounds like things aren't going to get better unless he stops drinking. Good luck to you.
Cheers, from
SwampWitch
Ok, I'm gonna try to give you some advice...you did ask for it, lol!
But, first, I'm so sorry that you and any children are having to endure this!!!
You must do this now: TRUST YOUR GUT!!!! It doesn't matter what he's saying or doing or how sweet he's gonna try to be, just dig deep down inside and listen.
It sounds to me like you see him & his life as unacceptable. You need to make sure he understands this and that things have to change right this very second or you simply cannot live this way any longer. If you're doing everything you're doing to make this work & if he's not, then you've got to make your mind up whether or not anything can be salvaged.....if he's even willing to work on anything.
Good Luck to you!!!! I hope your evening goes well. Keep us posted!
Bransmom, I know exactly where you are comming from I felt like you were telling some of my story. I have been with my husband for 8 years and we have 4 kids together. My hubby has had a drinking problem for years. He is a kind loving person devoted to his kids and loves me very much. But when he drinks he is not the man I love. For 3 years he could not even hold a job and he even cheated on me in his drunken state with the most horrible creatures (bar tramps) BUt...soemhow whith a combination of addiction services, love, him growing up and wanting toi be better things have gotten better. I worked for years and now I am a SAHM and he has a fulltime job with microsoft. (he is extraordinarily smart but his addiction always got in the way) Things are usually calm and we lead a happy life. But even now the monster rears its ugly head on occasion. He'll dissappear till 4am or I'll find him passed out at his desk in the morning. But I love him with all my heart and know that this is going to be a long road and not a quick fix. He has my suport and love as long as he is willing to get help and try.
My biggest question is do you realy truely love him and do you KNOW that he loves you? If there is any doubt then I would not think twice about leaving. It is too hard and not for the faint of heart. Also you need to have communication and he needs to know that what he does upsets you and its not okay. If he does not care or refuses to talk about things there is nothing you can do for him. He has the problem not you.
As for the cheating... unfortunitly more than 1/2 of all men cheat. That is not to say yours is but if the signs are there its likely. Trust your gut. If your gut tells you something you are likely right that is why we have that instinct!
My advice is based on my own experience and other people may tell you different. Alot of people will say leave him no questions asked. But you and i know its not that simple. Anyway If you ever need to chat PM me. I know its not easy and i wish i had someone who understood to talk to at the time. Even now sometimes.
So try to stay sane and take a deeep breath.
P.S. Alanon is a support grout for people living with alcaholics and is a great organization. It is not to change the A but to help you deal with it. If there is not one in your area there are online groups.
I appreciate everyon's advice and trust me, I am not going to make excuses for him. That is all I did, with my son's father. I am going to talk to him tonight and tell him that if it doesn't change that I am leaving. He works very hard and does provide a good life for us and I only work because I want to. But he was acting like this once before and I put my foot down and he stopped. Now I guess I will have to be a $&%#*. Now, the cheating part, deep down I honestly don'e think he would, but what would be in the back of his mind, if I was out all night. I am sure everything will work out and I will keep you all updated. I really appreciate everyone's advice. We will see how it goes. Big hugs to everyone
I understand what you are going through. I was married and then we divorced almost 5 yrs later. We have 2 children and are back together, getting remarried on the 25th of this month. I will keep you in my prayers. Don't give up. Pray about it and lift your husband up to God. That's all you can do. You can't change him, but you can pray for the change. He will see that his place is at home with his family, not out living a sinle's life. I hope everything works out for you and your family. Take care and God bless.
Update:
I guess he wanted to wait until the kids weren't home to talk, so last night my step-son went to Hooters with the football team and my son was at his dads. We had a very long talk and I think things are going to work out. I guess one of the reasons that we have stayed together for so long is that he does his thing and I do mine and it just all works out. I told him that I didn't mind him going to watch football games with his friends, but I think it is disrespectful for him to stay out all night. He apologized and said that he didn't see it as being disrespectful and said that it wouldn't happen again. He said that he wouldn't drink before football games anymore and that was really stupid for him to do that anyway. He said that he worshipped and loved me and swore that he would never cheat on me and he was sorry if I gave him that impression. He also stated that we would do more things together. It has just always been that he watched football on the weekends and that's when I run around doing all my little things that I like to do or bake cakes. Maybe I overreacted about the cheating. I honestly don't think he would do that because he has too much to lose. We don't have children together but we love each others children, unless you consider our two dogs as our kids, in which we do because they sleep with us and we treat them like our babies. We have two teenagers that are very active in school activities, so we are constantly running for them and we don't take vacations because we will not put our dogs in a kennell and honestly, I don't think our dogs could handle us leaving them. We have never left them overnight by themselves. I know some people think that is crazy, but they are like our children. Honestly, I think everything will work out fine and we will grow old together. We have came too far and accomplished too much together to throw it all away. Thanks for everyone listening and offering their opinions. Have a great day
Glad to hear it!!!
Sounds like everything was cleared up between you two........I'm glad you had a talk and it didn't end up in a fight or anything.
I don't undestand why anyone would want to drink and go out and not come home until 3 in the morning....but that's just me.
Oh well, hope all goes well and I completely understand how you feel about your dogs! 
Just a quick blurb about you dogs. There are motels that will allow you to bring you dogs with you. The charge a deposit for them but do allow them. You can take them on vacation with you.
butterflyjuju: we would just feel guilty leaving them in a motel while we were out faving fun. I know we are just weird like that. Our female, Angel, if you make her mad, she will destroy your pillow and the baby, Archie, he will eat your remote. They are funny. We have just come to accept it and someone is always home with them on the weekends. We are trying to build up my husband's business so I can be home with them during the day.
mmdd: I feel the same way about drinking. It is nothing but problems. I have too much to do than to waste a day after drinking all night. Glad someone understands about the babies and that is just how we treat them and they are spoiled rotten.
I'm happy yall worked things out, but if it were me I'd *still* trust my original instincts. Do what yall said you'd do, but also quietly do some checking only you know about...and keep it mum.
I had a friend go through this exact same scenario, and all he changed was his times & M.O. I hope everything works out for yall, I mean that.
I am just going to see how things go and what happens. I snuck around and played private eye when I was married to my son's father and I told myself that I wouldn't do that again. Honestly, I don't think he would cheat on me because he has too much to lose. He has really changed since we had our talk and I believe things will be different. I know that he is not going to quit drinking because that is something he likes to do and I really don't mind because he don't get violent. I don't expect him to sit under my thumb 24/7 and don't mind that he watches football and plays poker with his friends. He has his own business so I know that he don't have time to just be hanging out during the day because the bills have to be paid. I really appreciate everyone's advice, but to just walk away from a 10 year life that we have built together would be crazy. Marriage is hard and not always a bed of roses and there is going to be ups and downs. I think we stick together and see what happens.
THANKS AGAIN
I know that he is not going to quit drinking because that is something he likes to do and I really don't mind because he don't get violent.
I'm glad things seem to be looking up for you and you seem to be working it out, but don't you worry or mind about him getting behind the wheel of a car and possibly hurting himself or others if he has been drinking? Hopefully there is a designated driver in the group when he goes out.
You could start a health kick with your husband! You would have time together doing activities like hiking, cycling, swimming etc... and you could use this health kick to reduce the alcohol consumption!
Your hubby would loose some of that weight that he gained and you and your family get to do more things together.
Tell you uncle he is not helping things!!!
If you guys live a healthy lifestyle you are teaching you kids how to take care of themselves rather than teaching them to go out drinking! (not critercizing here, just offering a sugestion!!!)
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