Ok girls, here goes. My fiance and I have been together for 4 years, and things have been pretty rough for the last 2. He has 2 kids with his ex-wife and I have a daughter from my prior marriage. He is always running the roads for her ( she lets her kids sign up for 5-6 activities each) and he is never around for me- I was home sick last week ( I have a medical condition that requires chemotherapy) and he was STILL running the roads for her!! He never has time for me and never takes me anywhere. I really feel abandoned and neglected and have tried talking to him about it, but it's no use. I am seriously ready to throw in the towel, because I am tired of there being three of us in the relationship and I always come in last. I don't want to spend what healthy years I have sitting home because my better half always puts her first- Any advice? I suggested counseling, too, but no go.
Help me out here!!
I'm not a parent but I am a step-daughter so I think I can lend a different point of view to this situation.
I think you are looking at it as he is putting his ex first when in actuality he is putting his children first. It's hard enough for any parent to spend an adequate amount of time with their children, let alone a divorced parent.
I understand that you have needs and obviously could use some time and attention . . . how about setting up a night each week where there are no kids, no kid activities, just time for you to be together?
I spent YEARS in a VERY UNHAPPY HOME . . . my step-dad looked at everything as a competition and would constantly berate me and make my mom choose between the two of us. It was a miserable existence and has taken me years to come to grips with all of it . . . . my mom never had the courage to stand up for me, I was treated VERY BADLY and basically filled the role of cheap cook/housekeeper/nanny/etc.
I hated my step-dad for years and years . . . it was only a few years ago that he bothered to sit me down and apologize. He finally admitted that had he been less self-centered and more of a father back then he would never have treated me the way he did. Its sad to look back and have to regret over 20 years of abuse the way he does . . . he's a different person now and I love him for it--but its been a long and very bumpy road.
Try to be less upset that he is helping out his ex and more impressed with the fact that he is obviously a loving dad who wants to be with his children--that can't be such a horrible trait! 
Good luck and I hope you work it all out.
Believe me, I have suggested that more than once, but when I say he's never around, I mean he's NEVER around. In the last three weeks, he's been home 1 night- I don't think 1 night a week for me is too much to ask!!
If you don't mind me asking...Where is he when he's not at home at night? He isn't staying with is Ex is he? Good luck to you and your situation!!
Tammi
If you mean he spends the night over there Well that is a different story, children or no children, if he lives with you and spends the night over there at his ex's I so believe you ought to put your foot down...being there for his children is one thing..this however is a totally different matter..
I think you need to tell him flat out that while you admire the fact that he's there for his children, maybe they should but back on the activities so he's not completely tied up with them. He made the decision to marry again, he needs to be married.
Why isn't the ex running the kids around?
I spent 7 wasted years with someone that I was in love with but he NEVER put me first. The situation was different because neither of us had an ex or kids, but if he is not there for you now while you require chemo, I"m sorry, I don't think he'll change. I'm all for a dad being there for his kids, but he has to be there for you also and he's not.
I've now been married to a WONDERFUL fantastic man that puts me first and always considers my feelings. I've never looked bad except to regret my wasted years.
I have to agree. This is the time to quit it, if ever. You definitely don't want to wait until you're married to deal with this.
We always hope things will get better with marriage, but most of the time, things will only magnify. Look at it this way - can you stand this being the usual for the rest of your life?
Cheryl, if he can't put you first now, you will never be first. Not to say that he shouldn't play a part in their lives, but you still have to be first. That's what a marriage is! Sounds like the ex is using the kids to keep him around her, and the fact that he isn't protesting, that should be telling...
I'm so sorry for your situation, and I hope you get well soon and find another support system. Chemo sucks.
He's not available. Is this what you want? It sounds to me that you're in a relationship with him, but he's not in a relationship with you.
Second marriages with kids have higher divorce rates than first marriages.
Speaking for just myself, I could not/would not tolerate an unavailable boyfriend. I'd have to cut my losses and move on. The "magic" of marriage will not fix this problem.
I hope you find the happiness you deserve.
A leopard doesn't change his spots..if you know what I mean.I married a man at 23 thinking "He will change " I left him at 25! I understand the whole wanting to be a good father and all (I too have a stepson from my DH) but this situation sounds too much.The fact that he doean't come home all but 1 night out of 3 weeks....I would get out while you can....If he isn't there for you in a time of medical need which is the part about sickness and health...then I doubt he ever will.Take your daughter and move on to a better life and soon you will find a man who simply adores you! JMHO 
What is the ex-wife doing while he's out carting the kids around?
I'm not telling you to get out, but if you do, come up with a plan, get all of your finances in line, possibly a little secret "just in case" fund, and have all of your details lined up and in motion before you tell him. Things might get tense/crazy and you should not have to live in a house with someone making you feel like crap.
This probably isn't what you want to hear, but I think you already know the answer. CCers don't jump all over me for my bluntness. I really am very sorry that she is having to go through this, especially not being in good health, but if a man isn't making any time for you, it's because he doesn't want to. I am always amazed by engagements that run on and on. You propose, set a date, then do it. Eighteen months is long enough to be engaged. I don't believe in counseling for non-married couples. If you need counseling before the marriage, you're already in trouble. I do agree with pre marriage counseling just to be sure that you are both ready and know what to expect. If you need serious counseling for problems before the marriage takes place, like I said that's trouble. Before my husband and I were married, he dated his last girlfriend/fiance for 8 long years. She hated children and was very pushy. She suggested counseling. He finally walked. We met some time later, dated for a year, got engaged, got married a year later and have 2 beautiful children. You will find Mr. Right, be free and ready when he arrives.
I have a similar situation because my first DD is from an ex. Anytime my DD has an activity it's me that takes her. Where is the mother? Does he have visitation with them or is his visitation the nightly outings? I would suggest seeing if it would be possible for the mother to take the kids to their activities and then just getting them on the weekends or maybe just do it a few nights a week. If the mother wants them to be in so many activites then she needs to take them as well. Not just him. It's not fair to you or him. Maybe you could go with him to do their activities. That way you would be able to spend time with him and his kids. It would be a family thing. I think if he won't make time for you then he really doesn't want to, because he could if he really wanted to. I would talk to him again and let him know your concerns and if he doesn't do anything about it then it's time to move on. It can't be good on your DD either. I'm sure she feels just as neglected as you do. Hopefully he will come to his senses and see what he is doing to you. If not kick him to the curb and find someone who wants to be with you and your DD. Good luck!
I agree with the whole "he is trying to be a good dad" and all, but if he is with you than you need to be one of his priorities, especially that you are ill. I think that the wife is just trying to keep him away from you, not that the kids need him as much. Have you asked him where she is while he is running around with the kids? Just something to think about, but has she moved on? Is there still feeling for eachother between them. He divorced her (not the kids) but why is he spending so much time with them.
Honey you need to do something about it now. I have been married 13 years, and it has been so lonely. It is just me and my two kids. My husband can give one flying flute about me and with the kids he is ok, just that ok. Yes they are both his and that is all the children we have but he is very self-centered and selffish and he is ALWAYS first. So things don't change, I hope that you do something about it before there are more kids (together) involved and then it is hard for both of you.
Vicky
Thanks for all the advice you guys- No, he doesn't stay over at her place, but getting home at 10 or 11 every night, he might as well just stay at her house. I have alot of thinking to do. I'm just really tired of feeling like I don't matter to him.
Thanks again!
Update on my situation-
After another huge argument about putting his ex first, I asked him to move out this morning- I'm just tired of being the second choice all the time- Thanks for all the support and advice you guys!!
I know that things can look down right now but know that they can only get better. Also rermember that we are all here for you when you need to "talk" and we are always here to "listen". I wich yo well in all that comes your way.
Vicky
You know I've always felt that things happen for a reason. So I think that you have bigger and better things coming to you. There's probably a man out there that is willing to treat you and your DD like you deserve to be treated. Sending all of my finding-a-good-man vibes to you>>>>>. Hang in there. Things will get better.
Hang in there Cheryl, and stick to your guns. Right now, you just worry about taking care of your precious girl and getting better! You are in my prayers.
(((((Cheryl)))))
You did the right thing. Don't ever second guess yourself. Focus on your health and your daughter. You are in my prayers. When it seems that we are at our worst, that's the perfect time for a miracle. Believe me, I've had many!
Quote by @%username% on %date%
%body%