Apparently I Never Do Anything Right .....
Lounge By AmandaPanda Updated 30 Aug 2007 , 4:45am by AmandaPanda
Editing to say I am sorry about all the typosI would fix them if i had time to go through and proofread right now but I don't. 
UGH! why is it that I never can do anything right around here! MY husband and I have been going through a VERY rought 5 years of marriage thelast 2-3 year as being almost hellish at time. Anyway after going through counseling and our pastor tellign us we need to tell each other how they can "improve" or telling what is wrong istead of keeping it bottled up my husband has just gone overboard! WITH STUPID STUFF! There have been many instances where I put the kids to bed early on my only night off when i would rather be sleeping because I work until 1am and ask him to watch a movie with me, but when I go out with my friends on Saturday night he gets onto me for "never spending time with him" (I do nto invitemy friends out and I RARELY go out with them) which of course makes me retaliate askign if it is so important that we spend time why doesn't HE plan somethign instead of telling me I am in the wrong for being invited out once a month and actually going (by the way he goes out 2-4 times a month with his friends).
OK so it comes down to tonight, he buys me flowers whie he is in the grocery store picking up milk and comes home and gives them to me. I smile and say thank you but I have kids pulling at my shirt tails so I lay them on the counter intending to come back to them but I do not have time to before I have to work (I work from home) so he asks me if I am going to put my flowers in water, I am rushed to log onto work so I am not late so I tell him I am sorry I don't have time to right now and he rolls his eyes and says "well I guess i will do it" to which and hour and a half passes and I get a break and they are still nto in water and he is outside talking ont he phone, I haveto make sure they kids brushed their teeth because it is now 5 minutes to bedtime and make myself somethign to drink because it will be 2.5 hours before my next 15 min break, I kiss the kids good night pour my drink, the youngest one wakes up from fallign asleep early so I run outside grab hima nd tell him to get inside because the 3 year old is crying and I am about to sign back into work and cannot have a crying kid for people to hear. SO anyway in between customer calls he comes in the room and tells me that it just bothers him so much that he bought me flowers and I didn't even stick them in water .... WTH!! First off don't coem to me with problems while I am WORKING, yes I am at home but this is a REAL JOB! it is bad enough I have to sit here and miss tucking my kids into bed in my own home but don't come to me with your piddly issues (which by the way he does ALL THE TIME and I have told him time and time again NOT TO because it adds stress during work that I do not need). Ok so anyway why am I such a bad person because I didn't have time before work to cut the flowers down and put them in a vase? which leads me to my next rant ... WHY is it that guys who pick up flowers while at the grocery store feel they need high praise becase they picked it up. i appreciate it i really do, I smile and say thanks and a little kiss to show my appreciation, but I am not gonna throw you on the bed because of it and pat your back for an hour! And why not show me you REALLY care by putting them in the vase for me instead of doing the easy part and throwing them in the shopping cart then leaving ME to spend the time trimming and them up and putting them in the vase.
Ok rant over, sorry it turned out to be way longer than I had planned
I'm sure that he looked at the whole situation thinking.... 'here I am doing a little something nice and she doesn't even seem to care'. Which, of course, leads to the 'why should I even bother' attitude.
It sounds like you've really been in a difficult spot for a while. I'm sure you could pick apart things that you've said and things that he's said all day long... but it does no good if it doesn't help you solve anything.
Counseling is good, but it sounds like you guys still need to find some common ground. Him buying you flowers was a really nice gesture, and it probably hurt his feelings that you didn't seem to care as much as he thought you should. HOWever, he obviously needs to get a clue about you. You've got the kids and work pulling you in different directions and now a problem with your marriage too.
I know that there have been times in my marriage where my marriage wasn't the priority. Work, school, then kids all had, at some point, taken the front seat. When my marriage wasn't the priority, I could tell the difference, both in my attitude and his. I love my husband more than anything and I thank God that he is open minded and will admit when he's made a mistake (I make my share of them too).
I truly believe that if the marriage is going to work, it needs to be a priority. Difficult, I know, with all of the other things going on in life.. but it's my opinion. Mens brains and womens brains definitely operate on two different levels... so what may seem like DUH! to you, might not be that way for him (and vice versa). So, sometimes it's hard to see things their way.
Of course, sometimes they are truly buttheads, and all the counseling and stuff won't do a darn bit of good.... but something brought you two together to begin with...so there has to be something there for you guys to build on.
I hope you find peace soon (sorry for the long post)
oh I completely understand that he may have felt hurt but he does buy flowers maybe 2 times a month and I put them in a vase every time .... I even said thank you, gave a smile and a kiss when he handed them to me but I could not stop what I was doing to put them in a vase right that second because I was already tending to business when he walked through the door. It would just be nice to have that little bit of understand the ONE time I was unable to put his flowers in a vase. and I did apologise and say I was sorry that I couldn't get them into the vase right then. oh well. I am not perfect but I try my hardest not to pick apart the stupid little things he does because even though we need to communicate and let the other person know what they could do to improve and help out there comes a point that crosses the constructive criticism line into nitpicking.
oh I understand that..... then you get accused of nagging.
Did your pastor tell you to write things down about each other that could be improved or are you supposed to just say it to each other as the things come up?
Can you guys get some time away from the kids to do things together just the two of you? (even for just a dinner or something)
Believe me, I feel for you. Some days, I just feel so overwhelmed with things... between the house (laundry, cleaning, etc), the kids, the cats, my work (I work from home too - although it's not all the time), the bills, and the hubby, I wish I could make about 12 clones of myself so that everyone could have my full attention... but obviously that won't happen. It almost feels like you're walking on a tightrope teetering on the edge of falling.
The added stress of a difficult marriage has got to be like walking on the tightrope with a lead weight on one side of you. Has he been reluctant in the counseling, or is he all for it?
well it started off at saying 3 goods things and 3 improvement things a day but he comes home at 6-6:30 most nights (because he wakes up late every morning) and I work at 7pm-1am 4-5 nights a week and we don't have time to set apart for that so it is a say it as you see it sorta thing which he said works well too. and I get the thank yous every now and then for doing the dishes or the laundry but that is about it, no thank you for planning a movie when the kids go to bed instead of getting the sleep I need or anything like that buthe is sure quick to jump on the I don't likes every time he sees one.
He is not against counseling, we can do more counseling if we need to but we will have to go to a "professional" and right now our finances are so tight we cannot afford it. so we just have to figure something out. Theris a lot more background to our situation that the counseling we did get really didn't touch on or help solve much just gave teh generic answers to normal marital problems but our problems are a little bit more than the "normal" not getting along marital stuff.
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