I am losing my father to cancer....soon, probably in the next couple of days..We have always been close...when he was home..he was a boat captain and he was gone a lot. Hospice has come into their home and basically are making him comfortable. I know losing him will be so hard on mom and my sister and I...he confides in me when mom walks out of the room...he say's don't tell mom I hurt or don't tell mom but I want to die....I know he doesn't understand that I can't handle the pressure he is putting on my heart. It is like I am the only one he can talk to...he doesn't want to hurt mom..but this is hurting me...I can't tell my family because I promised I wouldn't ...but I am dying inside....I went to my priest and he just told me to pray for him...I can't cry he won't let me...I see my mom , the strongest lady I have ever known cry for hours...drowning herself in coffee and cigarrettes....she jumps down my throat all the time..so much so that I have to come home just to get away...What can I do that would make things easier? I am afraid my ulcer is going to get me....that or my heart...thanks for reading...I just needed a little vent..sorry
I went through this with my mother many years ago. I was 15, I was in Pennsylvania while my mother was dying in NY at Memorial Sloan Kettering. We were minors at the time, and supposed to be forbidden to go up to the patient rooms. My father and her doctors pulled every puppet string they could find so we could visit with her. Only once in the 4 months that she was in there were we able to see her. She died 4 days later. I now understand two things --
The doctors and my father knew she was going to die soon
and she hung on until she saw us one more time. I told her it was alright, that she could go now. I carried that guilt with me for many years, until I read the stories of other people, who did the same thing.
They need to be reassured that it is alright. He is hanging on for some reason. I do not know him, so I cannot tell you what it is. My guess is that if he is confiding in you, he is asking for your blessing to go.
Just tell him you love him, and if you're brave enough, tell him that he needs to do whatever it is that he needs to do.
But don't carry the guilt with you like I did. There really is no guilt there, because either way it will be his time.
Take care and keep in touch. My e-mail address is [email protected]. Vent to me anytime.
Theresa 
I am so sorry. I know how hard it is to watch someone you love dying of cancer. I lost my mom 6 1/2 years ago to cancer. My heart broke everyday and I was devasted. My 2 brothers were of no help with her care and hardly visited her in her final months. I still carry alot of anger over that. I can't tell you how to handle it, I don't think there's anything that will make it easier. He needs someone to talk to, that he can tell how he feels. I know it hurts you, but it eases his mind to be able to tell someone(you) how he feels. I'll pray for you and your family. Your father's very blessed to have a daughter like you.
Jo-Ann
You are in our thoughts and prayers at this very stressful time.
Theresa
I am so sorry that you are going through this. I too have lost my mom to cancer. It sucks. I wish I had magic words on how to make it better, but I don't. Spend time in prayer and if you have friends around you have them pray for you and your family. I know I will keep you in my prayers.
Jennifer
I can sympathize with you. We lost my mother-in-law 2 years ago to colon & liver cancer. When she was first diagnosed, they only gave her 6 months and she was with us 3 years. It was awful and very painful for everyone. We got along like mother and daughter and she treated my son as if he was her true grandson. We were really crushed when she passed away. It hurt us so bad that me nor my son have been back to the gravesite. It was very painful to let her go but it was more painful to watch her suffer. She was in the hospital when she passed and I think she was waiting for my brother-in-law but he never visited. My husband told her that she could go ahead, it was fine. She suffered really bad but she was very strong. She would do chemo through a pump and go from baseball field to soccer field so she wouldn't miss either of the boys activities. I think she held on until me and my husband got custody of my step-son. He was in a bad situation. You should be proud that your dad can confide in you and tell you how he feels and I know that it hurts but you have so many friends here at CC, that you could call on us at anytime and we would be there. There is not really anything that anyone could say to comfort you but I wish the best and maybe your mom is dealing with it the best way she can. You are in my thoughts and prayers and if you ever need anything, my email is [email protected]
God Bless You
I am hurting for you. I, too lost my dad to cancer. It was hard to see him suffer, he never complained and the only way to know he was in pain was to see it in his face. He didn't want anyone to witness his pain, but sometimes it got the better of him. He's been gone since '94 and it still hurts but it does get better. All I can tell you is that God doesn't give us more than He knows we can handle, just be as strong as you can for him and give him as much love as you can.
Sweetie I am so sorry this is so hard on you.....( and the rest of us think we have problems!) It is good that you at least have your CC family to turn to. I know what you are going through. We had to watch my grandmother be cared for in home by Hospice, dying from Cancer. Then my FIL from a serious stroke that was slow in it's effect. The truth your dad is sharing with you , while difficult at times, is a gift you are giving him. I know it doesn't feel that way now, but it is. I had to be with my GM the whole time, as no one else could handle the emotions that flooded them. My DM turned into an emotional mess! There was a lot to deal with. I just kept reminding myself that GM was in need to say what she said before her life ended. She couldn't leave without knowing someone cared enough to hear her sorrow. I was the last one to speak to her and I was the one with her when she took her last breath. That was 12 yrs ago. To date I do not regret giving her the only thing I could, a voice... I listened.
My prayers for your strength, and may your heart be comforted.
Gloria I 
I thank you all for your prayers...Today was a horrible day he tried to get up without our help...fell and hit his head on the bed...he is now pretty much in a coma...not hardly waking up. It won't be long...hospice is coming tomorrow to help us...THANK YOU ALL BIG HUGS
I know this may seem trivial, but if he is sleeping, he isn't in pain. That is a good thing.
I have also been through watching the death of my grandmother (6 months ago). It was horrible, probably one of the most horrible things. But, it is also extremely natural. At some point, all people pass on. She had difficulty relaxing with all of us around her....she was too anxious. But, once we all left the room, she was able to relax and breathe easier.
The hospice people here in our area (I think probably everywhere) are EXCELLENT! Maybe your mother can arrive at a place where she can listen/converse with their chaplain, and perhaps gain some perspective and peace.
Try not to take EVERYTHING onto your shoulders. The time that you listened to your father....he gave that to you....you had a special bond. I don't think that he was giving it to you to hurt you, but instead because he knew you so well that he knew you could absorb it. He needed to unload it; he's struggling himself. I don't think he was looking to you for answers/to make it better....just to be comforting and understanding.
It sounds like you are doing a good job. You can't be all things for all people. Do your best, that is all you can do. And, also realize that (you probably know this)but all people grieve differently. It is not right or wrong, it is only emotion (and extreme one at that). People can't help the way they feel. They can help the way they process and respond to their feelings. I say, just roll through the feeling....let it happen. Don't try to stifle it, don't try to overanalyze it. You may cry spontaneously for weeks, but it will get easier.
Peace to you.....peace to your family. Godspeed.
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