ok my 2 step sons who are like my own children have a crappy birthmom. they are old enough now that we cant tell them she is at work. plus my dh and i would prefer to not lie to them. they have other friends who are in the same situation as they are, as in one missing birth parent. we dont want them to feel as though its something they have done, or that it is even about them as to why she is so crappy. of course we would never say well she is crappy so thats why she doesnt cal or visit you. we dont want to put her down to them, just want to finally explain things to them. school is getting harder for them and we dont want this situation with her on their minds distracting them.

we dont want to say to much but want them to understand that she is making poor choices by not being here for them. but not really say that. its very difficult. the fact that we dont want to put her down and talk badly about her to them seeing as thats is their mom and she is a part of them if we say mean things about her that we dont like they may think well maybe we dont like them. to top it all off we found out she may be preg with another child. not sure if this is true so we would never say anything to the boys about it. we havent spoken to her in almost a year. so obviously its been almost a year since they have seen her. the holidays are coming up quickly and thats normally when she shows her face. if she is really preg then she will be about 6 months when we see her and thats how the boys will have to find out. how can we prepare them with out saying she is preg?? she has lied about being preg before so we know better to say anything until we see proof. this is all so difficult to explain to anyone let alone a child. please help!!!!!

That's a tough situation. How old are they? What you tell them is going to have to be based on that.
Are they asking any questions or saying anything about it? If they aren't I don't know that I would do anything about it, they might not really care right now if they have you. When they do the response could be tailored to each child's age and be something gentle about some people make bad choices but that you love them.
I have 2 uncles with exes that were horrible moms. One let the kids get lied to by the mother and didn't tell them the truth for a long time, that's a mistake.

I am in a similar situation as you, but my step-son is 16 and he has figured his mom out on his own. We have had custody of him since he was in the 7th grade and now he is a junior and doing wonderful. He plays baseball & football for the high school and makes good grades. We are very involved in everything he does. He knows she is pathetic and a poor excuse for a mother. She has never payed one dime of child support and didn't help buy his car or pay insurance. If the kids are asking questions, I would just be honest but age appropriate. At least, they have you as a mother and I am sure that you love them very much. I have a 15 year old of my own but we don't show any differences. I would just talk to them and being honest is very important because you don't want them thinking you guys have lied to them. I would also have me a chit chat with her and tell her that she needs to be consistent in their lives. She may not even care, I know mine's mom doesn't at all. I even had to do supervised visits with those two after we first got custody. I thank God that she is not in our lives. My step-son considers me his mom and introduces me as exactly that to his friends. Good luck and let us know how it works out.

they are 8 and 9 i have been with them since they were 1 and 2. they have lived with us since 2 and 3. they do ask why doesnt she call or why doesnt she come see them. we are having some problems with our oldest and feel that perhaps she is part of the problem. the oldest was the more attached one to her. as attached as he could be at least. last year in 2005 on the now 9 yr olds 8th bday she called him at 8:25 she knows they go to bed at 8:30 on school nights. with in 3 minutes she had him crying telling him he needs to call her and he better start writing her letters. he was so upset so i got on the phone and told her that it is her job as a mom to call her kids. and if she would like a letter from her sons then to write them one first. other wise she had better keep her mouth shut. she didnt even call either one of them this year on their bdays. we are most worried about if she is in fact preg this time and her showing up 6 months preg. to make the whole situation worse her "baby" is due one week after our oldest bday. she is selfish owes over 20,000 in back child support and has in the past moved had no contact with us for 2 years and showed up at our door pissed because i was preg and we didnt hunt her down to tell her. we tried to let her know we called her mom who said she hadnt seen or heard from her only for us to find out thats where she was living. the whole family on her side is screwed up.


sorry this is so long but we are feeling rather helpless.

also want to add that they cal me mom and her by her name. when they went to visit her for the first time over summer vacation about 3 years ago she told them they werent allowed to cal her by her name and if they did she would spank them. and she also told them i was a fake mom and she was their real mom.
dh and i told the boys a mom is someone who loves you no matter what and who takes care of you everyday. that there was no such thing as a fake mom. they were happy with that and once again began calling her by her first name as soon as we got there to get them. the youngest even told her he didnt like calling her mom

Well, you are doing an awesome job and should be thankful. I would consider some counseling for the oldest because you never know what is running through their little minds these days. My brother went to prison for drugs and his oldest daughter sees a cousnelor and it has done her a world of good. They know who their mom is, so I wouldn't even worry about it. Like I said earlier, I would be as honest as I can with them. You honestly don't know why she doesn't call or see them regularly and that is what I would tell them. You can pm me if you need to. I totally understand your situation. Good luck and take care of those little fellows. It is a sad world out there.

Wow. That's a rough situation for you all, especially for your boys. I like the "choices" idea, especially if they're learning about that in school. My kids learn a lot about choices, good and poor ones, starting in pre-k. If your schools are doing somthing like that also, then it is a term and language that the boys will be able to understand. I'd be honest and tell them you don't know and can't understand why she chose to not be a part of their lives, but that is in no way meaning that they aren't any good. I would definitely also talk to their teachers (if you haven't already) so they can be aware of the situation, and so they can be prepared if she contacts the boys over the holidays. I also agree with bransmom about counseling. Start with his school counselor and maybe some family counseling too. My daughters school also has group sessions where kids that are having similar issues (I know death in the family is one topic) can get together and know that they're not alone.

Good luck.

-Lisa

I have so many friends that their step-mom IS There REAL MOM!!! Their birth mom's have hardly anything to do with them and make them feel like dirt when she is around. It was hard on them for a long time but once they got old enough they knew what was going on. Their step-moms are great and they all call them MOM. Not only was their birth mothers nowhere to be seen or in the waiting room (uninvited) for the birth of their kids but their step-moms where in their daughters birthroom helping them push! That's amazing to me. How blessed these kids are to have you in their lives! I'm sorry I have no advice for you I just wanted to know how great of a job you and others like you here on CC are doing.

The best thing that you can do for both you/your husband and your boys is to tell the truth. You do not have to do it in a negative way but do tell the truth. It really works in your favor that you nor your husband talk negatively about her. That could end up working in her favor if you do. I would also take them to see a counselor, even if it is the school counselor. They probably have a lot of things bottled up inside and it needs to come put. Unfortunately, they might not talk to you or your husband about it. Best of luck to you and yours. Hope everything works out. HTH

My kids are 7 and 9, and I can't imagine how I'd feel if anybody did to them what your kids' bio-mom is doing to them.

I think it's important for all kids to learn that people make their own choices, and even if we don't agree with them or understand them, it's their right to make those choices. Emphasize that bio-mom is making her own choices, and that's her right. Also tell them that YOUR choice is to be their mom and love them and take care of them every day, because you WANT to, not because somebody says you HAVE to.

Just reassure them that you're there for them and always will be. They'll figure her out on their own time schedule - they probably already are starting to understand what she's all about, but may not be ready to really admit it.

Laura.

i grew up with a situation sort of like this.. my mom was a single parent, who got divorced when i was two and my brother was three, and we have been a triple unit since then really.. but my dad is a loser, alcoholic.. who doesnt call except once a month, expects me to call, doesnt call on my birthday, is not involved in my life at all, he married this lady with three kids who are all screwed up. my whole life he has taken care of her kids with college, cars, birthdays, holidays,.. sort of forgetting that we were there, moved away, and eventually we have really stopped communicating except on the phone every once in a while. to this day, i cant help but be frustrated everytime he calls, because it just reminds me of how he is not in my life. They used to share custody and we would go visit him every other weekend and be miserable, until i was about 13, and then it was once a year...and as i got older it was less and less..

BUT the one thing that has always helped ease my mind is my mom. She always apologizes that i have to deal with it, and reminds me that the greatest thing about my dad is that he helped make me and my brother, and with out us, my mom wouldnt be as happy as she is today. She just always knows how to say the right thing.. like that i should be happy that i didnt have to grow up living the life that him and his stepchildren are living (they are always struggling and dealing with crap). Let them know that you're a solid family unit cares so much about them, and just loves them so much. I dont think children can ever hear that enough! I think the more caring you can possible be about the situation, the more it will benefit all of you. Another thing, it that they are probably talking to each other about it a little bit, i know my brother and i always did and that helped us feel closer.

Susan....I am so sorry for your situation. I have a little experience in this from a slightly different angle. My husband and I are foster/adoptive and biological parents. With that comes hours of class room training, and "on the job" training. Our adopted daughter just turned 10 yesterday. She has questions about her birth parents...you know the where are they, why aren't they taking care of me..... I do know that when they ask you answer. At their ages sometimes a quick answer is good and sometimes not. I answer her questions but try not to give to much info at one time. If she still has questions I answer.... In her situation the is a lot of garbage for her to discover. Take your cues from the boys. They will talk to you when they are ready. Also counseling may be a good plan. Our little girl goes to counseling every couple of weeks. Some times I feel like it's for me. I bounce questions off our counselor...and let her know when our DD is/isn't asking questions.

You are giving them the most important thing they need. A mother and a father that both love them.....no matter what.

My sister is in a similar situation. Vicky, the one with 5 kids.. She had 4 kids with the man she is still legally married to ( he got sentence to prison for life).. later after he was behind bars..she met another man and had one more child.. he ended up being a deadbeat dad! She met a man and he had 5 children of his own.. With his wife.. he and his wife had been split up for a few years before meeting Vicky.. He lived in Wisconson and that is where his children were.. He moved to Texas for a couple of months and met my sister.. After he and Vicky moved intogether.. His mother called and said.. The state wants to take the children away from the Anna...(his wife).. cause she has left the children for 3 wks with a relative and has not came back.. So naturally Vicky said.. Let's go get them now! They left the same day... When they got there, his mother already had papers drawn up on who is getting who.. He was to take the 2 younger ones..which at the time were 2 and 3.. Vicky said it was like mother instinct.. As soon as she held them , she new she could never leave them... Vicky and her boyfriend brought the kids back and they have been in the family ever since.. They are now 8 and 9... out of all those dang years the mother has probably called 3 to 4 times.. We've gotten lucky.. The kids dont even ask for her.. She is never brought up in a conversation.. and if she is, it's told in spanish.. LOL the kids dont understand spanish.. Anyway.. This year that BEEP called and said.. I miss my kids, I think I'm moving to Dallas Texas. so that I can be close to my kids.. My sister lives in Fort Worth (N. Richland hills to be exact).. My sister was beside herself.. Told her boyfriend.. these kids dont know her, dont ask for her, dont care for her.. why would she do this.. They call my sister mom and thats all they know.. The few times she did call. My sister would ask them " do you remember momma anna?".. they would nod yes and never say anything again.. I dont know what I would do if she tried to take those kids from our family... I have 4 sisters...Im the youngest.. We are very, very close.. and I tell you what, I'm not a violent person.. But when it comes to OUR kids.. YOU better watch out!!!

I feel you have to keep telling them their birth mother loves them but has a lot of life problems to work out for herself. They will figure her out in their own time, and when they are ready to face it.

Cheers, from
SwampWitch

thank you everyone. my comp has been acting up so its been hard for me to get back on here. we are thinking of talking to them this weekend.

so far all we have decided on telling them is that everyone in life gets to make choices. some of us make good ones others make poor ones. when you make a choice there are often other people who are affect by them and some times we as people in general dont always think about who will be hurt by our choices.

still working on the rest.

i will let everyone know how it goes. sad thing is its not just their bio mom who is crappy her whole family is. her dad and mom are divorced. her dad lives about 20 minutes from us. at one time he came over every weekend and spent time with the kids. he never has gotten along with his daughter. suddenly he just stopped coming over. hasnt called or anything. there is no telling why. bio mom lives wit her mom and step dad bio mom is about 27 or 28 she lives for free. yet she cant manage to pay her child support. her mother went as long as 4 years with no contact what so ever with the boys. the few times they do see them we have to say thats so and so your grandma or grandpa. makes me want to scream.

it helps to know we arent alone and other people are going through the same thing. i wish it werent that way no child deserves to ever feel unloved or unwanted.

I grew up in that situation, and have only sen my mother twice since I was 5, both times with me flying down because I wanted to meet her.

I agree, tell them it is a CHOICE she made. If you haven't talked much with them about making choices, you can tell them and then use it as a teachning experience. If you already use the choices theme in your family, they will understand a little better.

It is wonderful that you are so understanding and caring in this situation with them. My father would berate her, and it made me want to meet her because "no one could be that bad." When she called and gave up rights to me at 13, my step-mother looked into adopting me but decided "it's more money than it's worth." Yeah, but they can build a brand new house. Go figure.

Just show them you love them and that they DO have a mom, which means more than just getting pregnant. This is a very nice version of my normal reply (lots of deadbeat mothers around).