OK Not to go into too much detail I am having a lot of personal marital problems and have for a long time (well, almost my whole marriage) it pretty much came crashing down this past weekend and the topic of divorce (which has been brought up many time before) has pretty much been confirmed that we will no longer be together. The realization that I will not be able to suuport myself or my kids has hit me, I also have this horrible feeling that I am the worst mom ever for not keeping my family together, I just imagine my kids in horrible pain and hurt and that it is all my fault, I can't sleep, I am having nightmares, I can't even get up and get my daily chores done. My heart has been racing 24/7 I feel physically sick, my eyes well up every few minutes. I just don't know what to do. I work at night so that I can stay home with my youngest during the day (the older ones are in schoolnow) and I am already spreading myself too thin and I am only part time, i will have to go full time. My credit is shot because after havin gmy kids and having complications with the pregnancy fo the second child we have hospital bills that didn't get paid and now my credit is suffering while my husband has felt it more important that HIS credit stay perfect. Everything is in his name, he has perfect credit all the debts in his name took priority so now I don't know if I will be abele to get my own place and i just feel trapped.
I just don't know what to do or eventhink right now, my step-daughter has not seen her bio mom in 3.5 years and I am mom to her, she calls me mom I think of her as my own child and I almost feel like I am walking out on her now because she will be with my husband in teh split up and our kids will be with me, I just feel like I am this evil person for splittingup the whole family. My husband doesn't want divorce, but there have been a LOT of things that he has done over the years that have made me lose every bit of love I had for him, He has gotten better and is trying to make things work which makes me feel even worse, I just cannot see myself loving him as a husband anymore and it has become too much to keep myself healthy (with my hormone issues) keeping my kids hapy, working night and being up to get the kids to school in teh morning and taking care of my youngest during the day andnow I have to try and fall in love with my husband all over again, I just can't do it anymore, I can't take it, and now that we won't be together anymore I just fear even more that I can't support myself because of my credit.
Anyway I just need some ideas on how I can cope with this, I feel physically "spent" like I can't even walk from one room to another without feeling like I am going to have a breakdown, I am tired, I am anxious, my heart races, I find myself having a hard time breathing at times, I just ned to be able to cope with this so i can think clearly. I don't want to be like this. I already told my moms group (who knows nothign about an of this) that I cannot lead the group anymore and have to turn my ownership over to someone else because I just cannot do that anymore but I still feel like there is too much going on ... I almost want to cancel my cake orders because it is just added stress but all I can think about is how much I need to do them for the money it will bring in and it is only helping me gain a client base because I will need the extra money I make doing cakes to help pay the bills.
Sorry I just had to get that out, I don't think there is anyone around here I can talk to about this. I really don't want anyone that I am close to to know about this, I am a very private person and do not like my friends to know my problems because I know how gossip spreads around my neck of the woods, women are so catty and all it takess is the info to get to that ONE person you don't want it to get to and then everyone knows and I don't need that.
remember -- in a divorce you can demand two things:
child support (he fathered them -- he has to support them -- and you CAN have his wages garnished (forced deduction he has NO control over) if he tries to balk at paying it)
alimony -- he has to help make up for loss of income (and ditto on the garnishing of wages for this too)
----------
breath
take one day at a time
feelings -- normal (fear + grief + depression)
seek friends and family for support.
get a GOOD lawyer who will protect your interests and get as much as possible for you (including the house even)
I am a softie I want him to be able to live too , I don't want to take him for all he has so that the kids don't have a nice place to stay when they are with him, plus he will have the oldest (who is not mine legally) and I care about her as much as my own and she deservs to have the best as well ... he doesn't make much money.
thank you doug, for your suggestions too, he would pay me child support there is no doubt about that I just have a hard time thinking of how he will makeit too, It sucks that I am worried about how he will make it as much as how I will make it
I certainly would not even pretend to know what you are going through. I do not know what has lead you get to this point with your husband. But have you tried marriage counseling? You said he is trying and does not want a divorce. Is there any chance you might still be able to work it out? If you do some counseling and it still feel that divorce is the answer, at least you know that you did all that you could for your family.
oh to add in, yes we have done counseling. it has helped him out to not be a complete jerk anymore but it didn't do anything to bring my feelings back for him I guess that is why it makes me feel so guilty is that he changed and I still don't love him.
Doug is right though, its not about taking him to the cleaners its about splitting what is fair.
As for the anxiety I have sufferred from it for years.....on and off....the racing heart, hard to breathe, lack of sleep, aches and pains.........are all classic signs. For me the only thing that worked was medicine (and it takes a few weeks to kick in).......if its only been short term anxiety I would wait and see if you can get out of it, but if it has been going on awhile...then see your doctor....with everything else, you dont need a hormonal inbalance on top of everything.
If you are sure you can't work things out with your husband, then you probably aren't doing your kids (or his kiddo) any favors by staying together, kids are not dumb and they pick up on tension and unhappiness.
Only you know what is right.........take it one day at a time!
I am a softie I want him to be able to live too , I don't want to take him for all he has so that the kids don't have a nice place to stay when they are with him, plus he will have the oldest (who is not mine legally) and I care about her as much as my own and she deservs to have the best as well ... he doesn't make much money.
thank you doug, for your suggestions too, he would pay me child support there is no doubt about that I just have a hard time thinking of how he will makeit too, It sucks that I am worried about how he will make it as much as how I will make it
doubtful, in this day and age, that he and his daughter will be forced to live in a dump of a place. the court will take into account both his and your needs.
the "hubby lives in a dump after divorce" is much more a myth of reel life (hollywood and tv) than real life.
this not a time to be a softie but time to demand what is rightfully your children's and yours
First, you need to concentrate on things you can control. You have to stop worrying about your credit, because you have no control over that right now. You will not have any issues finding a place to rent. No you may not be able to find a complex that will accept your credit, but there are plenty of other people that don't check credit. Check your paper for homes for rent. These are usually just your average citizen renting these and they do not check credit, they normally go by references.
You need to stop worrying. I know easier said than done right? But, what is worrying getting you? Worrying will not find you a place to stay. Worrying will not pay your bills. Worrying will not comfort your children. The only thing worrying does is make you physically and emotionally sick.
Do not feel guilty for leaving your marriage. Your children deserve to see what a happy relationship is. If you stay and are unhappy your children could be destined to find the same unhappiness, because you have made it "normal" for them. I am sure you have not been the best YOU that you can be in this situation.
The anxiety? Whenever you start worrying about something sit down with a notepad and make a plan of action instead. Don't worry, get to work. On each page write down one of your problems. Then list steps you need to take to fix the problems. Then take those steps. No, you can't fix everything in a day. It may not even be fixed in a month or a year. But, as long as you are being productive you will feel better.
BREATH! You need to do some deep breathing when you feel an attack coming on. You have children so I know you know how to do a cleansing breath, lol. Recite a favorite song in your head. Just do something to get your mind off of what is triggering your attack.
Find someone to talk to. I am like you I don't like sharing my drama with friends or family. But, this has caused years and years of stuffing my feelings. When you do this these problems don't go away they just manifest inside yourself until they explode.....into attacks, depression, etc. You have to find at least one good person that will listen to you. I ended up getting into some group therapy. It's easier for me to talk to total strangers, lol. Plus, they share their own dramas and it's always good to feel as though you aren't the only one...you know what I mean?
Now I know some people are too proud to get government help, but it's there for a reason. If you start struggling too much it's always there. Even if you just need help with daycare, there is help out there. There are voucher systems that will pay for or greatly reduce the amount you have to pay for daycare. Foodstamps, yes there is a stigma about accepting these things, but hey there is no shame in making sure there is food on the table for your children. I am not saying you will be this down and out when you go out on your own, but just remember it is there.
If you guys have health insurance now maybe you can set up family counseling. A counselor can help you help your children deal with the separation.
Ok I am rambling now, lol. I just feel for you and know a lot of what you are going through. Stay strong, everything will work it's way out.
Hugs to you AmandaPanda!!!
I second the thought that we can't know what you're going through and there is no easy fix, but we'll brainstorm for you and here's a couple of ideas.
1. Make yourself a priority - make sure you have some time - even a hour here and there to not take care of anyone but you
2. Lean on friends now - heavily - that's what they're there for
3. exercise - sounds nutty, but it's GREAT for anxiety - my local gym is my haven and gives me energy when I think I have none
4. herbal remedies - only for some people, not for everyone, but I love the valerian root/chamomille blend -
it's all take or leave advice - hope something helps. Hang in there!!!!
Quote by @%username% on %date%
%body%