Unappreciated And Want To Strangle Dh
Lounge By megal80 Updated 10 Sep 2006 , 6:46pm by kaychristensen
Beware: Major Venting!!!
I have been married 6 yrs and my husband and I have two boys, ages 2 and 5. We have been through a lot together in these years, and our most recent struggle has been his job change! He had been in the same job for 9 yrs and hated it...so we moved out of state and he started his own business! In the meantime I had been a stay at home mom, but getting DH business off the ground required me to work...so I did, and I loved my job (cake decorator at a bakery!)
It has now been 8 months and his business is doing great, so WE made the decision that I would return to working at home, because we feel it is best for our boys!
I have been home two weeks and it is a major change for me! Knowing that it would be, I needed to keep myself busy! So I made a commitment to myself that since I was home, I was going to help my husband more with his business...mostly by making home a haven for him when he gets home, so he can relax! (I also help with billing, etc.)
So for the past two weeks I have had the house cleaned, dinner waiting, and the children busy (so as not to run to him with all the events of their day right as he walks in!) I make him lunches to take to work, wash laundry to make sure he has work clothes and underwear clean! I do everything required around the home! He should be thrilled, since I could not do all of this when I was working full time!
However, he has not shown any appreciation at all...and I understand he is extremely busy with work, so I don't push the envelope. I don't need praise or anything, but then.......
This morning my DH gets up for work and I ~ wanting to help see him off, get out of bed about 15 min. after him, which is unusual since I am usually up first! As I walk over to him to ask if I should make him lunch or meet him for lunch, he gives me a dirty look and asks "Why are you so tired?" 
Not knowing how to respond, I just walked away kind of hurt! He then shouts to me that "You'll be lucky if I come home tonight"...knowing that I am expecting him to watch the boys at 6:30, so I can go to a Girls Night thing with my sisters, that we do once a month!
I wish I could just chalk it up to a bad morning, but after two weeks of him working long hours and me trying to be a good wife and mom, and getting nothing in return. These comments are heartbreaking to me!
I don't know what to do!?!?!
Very simple find a sitter for the kids preforbally at someone elses house and go out , do not call him , meet for lunch ect. Let him worry were you are and he knows he needs to be home tonight he will come home and you guys will be gone. If you calls tell him you said you would not be home i made plans and intend to keep them. He may need some alone time . PS if you are in a SHAKY Marriage ? Get your job back and let him hire someone to do his business that way you have something you can rely on
Ya' gotta stand up for yourself or this will continue. DH's can get grouchy like we can but I have found that if you let then get away with that kind of behavior, I will only get worse.
And you are taking care of everything around the house with no appreciation....stop! Then see if DH opens his mouth to complain. And we do need thanks and appreciation for the hard work we do... you appreciate his hard work by taking such good care of the family and him.
Bringing home a paycheck is not enough... I'm sorry to sound harsh but I have been where you are and did not stand up for myself and quickly became a doormat. Now we are getting a divorce..... it all starts somewhere and I believe if I had stood up for myself when the problems started we would not be where we are today.
Take care 
Tomay's idea is great... then he will know you are not so dependant on him. I think that is a big deal to some men.... they want you to be 100% dependant on them and some hold it over your head.
And I never thought of the job thing... not to say your DH is like this but some men want to isolate their wives... no friends, job, money or outside interests because then all you have is him. No options therefore no threat to the man! Can you tell what kind of marriage I had? 
Don't back down.
I don't consider my marriage Shaky...not at this point anyway, but I do think it has become a more delicate issue than in the past!
I won't let him walk all over me...but somehow yelling at him, doesn't seem to be the answere either! I do like the babysitter idea for tonight Tomay!
Thanks
I'm sorry for the kind of marriage you had CakeDiva! I am glad you are no longer a doormat! I appreciate your thoughts on the subject!
Thanks I appreciate that..... you live and learn and we are both better off now, as are our children. I will not make those mistakes again... I will make all new mistakes! 
When I read your post, my heart sank. First of all, the first two sentences I thought I was reading one of my own posts. Two boys, 2 and 5. Anyway, when I got to reading the events of your morning, that's when my heart just sank. Been there, put up with that. Still married (6 years). But the advice of getting a babysitter is the best idea. Even if he does come home, take the boys to the babysitter, or have the babysitter come over. Then when he gets home, he can worry about bringing the babysitter home and paying him/her. He knows you have plans, so there is nobody he can get mad at but himself.
Sometimes men can be so selfish and controlling (I don't mean controlling in an abusive way, I just mean they think they can "rule the roost). They need a reality check from time to time. Good luck, keep us posted. 
I have a theory that all men are born with an a**hole gene that gets switched on at times, some more frequently than others.
My husband is bad when he's tired or something but him at his worst isn't even close to my father.
I agree but I think that when they are born, the a$$hole gene defaults to "On" the good ones either learn how to turn if off or have it turned off for them!
Upon more contemplation I think my husband is jealous that I get to "stay home," and he has to go to work (which is very physically demanding.) I would love to for him to do the stay at home mom thing for one week. Not for a couple of hours here and there...then maybe he would appreciate what I do! How do I arrange that!?!?
Thanks for the support mhill91801!
mbelgard...I agree...I always say my husband has pms worse then I do!
Going through the same thing right now with my DH. I've been married 9 years and have 4 kids. I'm a SAHM and a full time student. I feel so used half the time. He complains about dinner, the house, the kids, everything! I have to cancel my plans a lot just because he is too busy working to keep his commitment for me to go out. (and finding a babysitter for 4 kids is nearly impossible! even the grandparents don't want to have all 4 because of how much work it is) Just take the time for yourself, you need it for your own sanity. I've found out that when my husband is stressed out and tired he takes it out on the people he loves the most --his family. My husband feels a ton of pressure being the only one to support us and his business. His business has grown a ton since he first started it 2 years ago. It's grown too much actually and is going too well. My DH is actually thinking about going to work for someone else because his schedual is killing him since he's working 7 days a week (over 80 hours) He has no help either, and we can't afford or have the desire to hire someone either. The stress you are under is a lot, as well as for your DH and kids too. Just try to sit down and have a talk with him to get the feelings out on both sides. It may or may not help. He needs to understand that he can't treat you like this no matter how much you two love each other. Go out with your friend and have a good time and let him have some much needed alone time. I hope you both can get past this soon because it can snoball (which has happened to me) and it is much harder to recover from (we are almost there now) You should never let him take you for granted for all that you have done and will do for him. MBELGARD your so funny and yet right on the money on this one!
Not to take up for him ~cuz I've wanted to strangle my dh too~ but maybe he's just stressed and accidentally took it out on you?!?!
Or maybe he's taking all you do for granted and not realizing that he's doing that.
I mean, is this the first time he's really acted this way? If it is, then something must be bumming him out.
No one will ever appreciate what a sahm does until they do it and I mean really do it.......like what your doing. Maybe you could explain to him EVERYTHING that you're doing and how you're sacrificing as well....after you give him some mydol ofcourse!
Good luck to you!!!!!
Ya I know what you mean about that gene 
My hubby can be a pain also. He was working 3-11 and never got to see the kids. So he changed shift to 11-7. He can be a royal pain. When he doesn't sleep right he makes snide little comments that really hurt. My teenage son knew it would happen as well as I did. Because a few years ago he had a job that required him to rotate his schedule every 2 weeks. 2 weeks on 7-3, then 2 weeks on 3-11, Then 2 weeks on 11-7. So we know from past that if he doesn't get to sleep at least by 10 in the morning, when he is on 11-7 shift. HE A A BIG A$$. Anyway now that he is on that shift now he is seeing all the running around after school and the different activities DD has. She is in scouts on Tues. and Thur. is dance class. Also my course 3 class night. So it is real hectic around her. And if he doesn't go to bed early it is hard to keep the kids quiet. Teenage sons room directly below ours. So DD and him fight and scream. And if he gets woke up watch out he is real PISSY. And if he does lay down early but wakes up to early he falls asleep about an hour before he has to go to work and he is PISSY when you wake him up to go to work I wrote him a letter about a couple of weeks ago and he is doing better. But sometimes 
Gotta love em But as bad as he is he can never be a fourth as bad as my Dad was. He was a very violent man. Hubby has a little steak in him if he is drunk and hasn't eaten. But that is a whole different subject. If you don't think you can talk to him in person put it on paper. It helps us and I gave the same advise to sil and it helped them. Sometimes when you go to talk about something so important it is easier to think when you are by yourself. I hope this helps
You never said if you and your husband have much communication. If you want to be honest with him then I would just ask him why he said those things and that it hurt your feelings. Remind him what you do but also let him know that you understand that he's had a hard week but that doesn't mean he should be rude and hurt your feelings. Sometimes they just don't see it and we need to remind them periodically. Now, if he does this ALL the time then that's a different story.
mmdd you were right! My DH appologized...he didn't mean to take his frustration out on me, and right away realized he was wrong, but was so depressed he didn't want to apologize at the moment.
We have fought more since we moved, and started this business then we have in the rest of our marriage! Most of the time I know I can push those buttons accidently and cause the fights. I guess that is why it was so heartbreaking this time, because I had been trying so hard not to fight with him...and to just be supportive! AND he did notice the change in my approach the last two weeks, and was amazed at how nice it was to come home each day!
It is easy to blame those you love for how miserable you are, but you can't keep allowing it without dealing with it!
Thanks everyone for your support! I was a lot more calm when speaking with my husband then I would normally have been, thanks to all of the advice and help and food for thought that you all gave me!
I know things like this will keep happening, (fighting with DH) but hopefully I will continue to learn better ways to deal with it!
~Megan
I am so glad you were able to resolve things. I was wondering if it wasn't a bit of fear / guilt on your hubbys part. It's huge to quit your job, move your family, and start a business of your own. Maybe it isn't turning out to be as idyllic as he had envisioned and he's stressed because of the huge upheaval everyone's made for him to venture out on his own. It sounds like he's putting in some heavy duty hours, too, which could mean that he's wishing he had more free time and is jealous that you get to spend so much more time with the kids and that you seem to have more time than he does. Plus, when you WERE working, I bet it wasn't overly stressful because you were doing something that you love doing. Starting over is hard / scary . . . it takes some adjusting and maybe he hasn't adjusted yet. And you're doing all you can do to be helpful, supportive . . . you've gone WELL above and beyond, in my opinion. So maybe he just needs space and time to find his place again.
Anyway, I wanted to say all that even though it sounds like you two have talked it out and come to the same point on it. We can all tend to have our moments, and we take it out on the people we love because we know that we can and they will still be there for us.
I don't know guys. I don't believe a man has the right to treat his wife badly no matter what. I believe, lika all of you, that we have to stand up for ourselves or else.
My husband has been battling kidney stones all summer and has been in a lot of pain and just plain not nice, so the kids and I have been walking on eggshells. Anyway, it got to the point where I had enough and one day when he came home from work, all three kids and I had targets attached to our shirts. When he asked about it, I just told him it was for him to go straight for the heart and not to take any more pot shots at us. I explained to him that it wasn't our fault that he got the kidney stones and as sorry as we were that he was suffering, enough is enough. He apologized to each of the kids and me profusely.
Not that he doesn't get pissy every once in a while. Just the other day he got snippy with me (mind you, he was walking away from me!) and I told him that I don't appreciate being talked to like that and he'd better not talk to me again unless he started with the words "I'm sorry". I don't play around with him. If he wants me to keep him on a pedistal, he'd better treat me right. I mean, I don't ask much of him, just respect.
Anyway, glad you straightened it out.
Debbi
mmdd you were right! My DH appologized...he didn't mean to take his frustration out on me, and right away realized he was wrong, but was so depressed he didn't want to apologize at the moment.
We have fought more since we moved, and started this business then we have in the rest of our marriage! Most of the time I know I can push those buttons accidently and cause the fights. I guess that is why it was so heartbreaking this time, because I had been trying so hard not to fight with him...and to just be supportive! AND he did notice the change in my approach the last two weeks, and was amazed at how nice it was to come home each day!
It is easy to blame those you love for how miserable you are, but you can't keep allowing it without dealing with it!
Thanks everyone for your support! I was a lot more calm when speaking with my husband then I would normally have been, thanks to all of the advice and help and food for thought that you all gave me!
I know things like this will keep happening, (fighting with DH) but hopefully I will continue to learn better ways to deal with it!
~Megan
Yay! I'm glad to hear he apologized!!!
I hope things continue to get better each day.
Good Luck!!!!!!!!!
I don't believe a man has the right to treat his wife badly no matter what.
and neither should a woman have the right to treat her man badly on matter what....
think about that the next time PMS, etc. hits.
it is a TWO way street!
I don't believe a man has the right to treat his wife badly no matter what.
and neither should a woman have the right to treat her man badly on matter what....
think about that the next time PMS, etc. hits.
it is a TWO way street!
That's the truth. And, communication is the key. When someone you love starts lashing out and acting uncharacteristically, it's time to talk.
Glad to here things worked out for you. But I jinxed myself by saying hubby was doin good. Today wasn't a real good day Thank goodness he is sleepin now. He was up for about 24hrs cause his schedule messed him up. So tomorrow he goes back to work and all will be better. He is stressed though cause hours at his work have been cut back real bad. We were use to havin 7 days a week. Now they are lucky to have a 5 day week. And we are havin car problems so I know it is buggin him. So lettin it slid for now. I may be alittle touchy also with the money situation.
I don't believe a man has the right to treat his wife badly no matter what.
and neither should a woman have the right to treat her man badly on matter what....
think about that the next time PMS, etc. hits.
it is a TWO way street!
You are right Doug. It is a two way street, but lucky me, I have never been cursed with PMS issues that a good cry couldn't take care of. I'm not perfect, but I do have my DH on a pedistal. He's a good man and I am truely blessed by his love.
Thanks for the hug magal80. He is better today already. He gave me a hug and kiss before taking DD to art museum. Just him being out of whack with his sleep puts him in bad mood. He wants to stay up to be with kids but they don't want to be with a grouch. But he had sleep so he is good to go today. He goes to work tonight at 11. So we are back on track now
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