Do We Raise Them To Fit In Or Be Unique???
Lounge By CakeDiva73 Updated 9 Sep 2006 , 5:11am by CakeDiva73
I need some advice... I have 4 kids: a 12 year old boy and 3 girls (9,6 & 5) and my son was diagnosed with ADHD about 5 years ago. Long story short, he doesn't take meds because they caused depression... this is the most funny, entertaining kid I have ever seen! 
He is on the small side and sometime gets made fun of for being short... I basically told him that the kids will always find something to pick on you about so you have to be stronger then they are and ignore them... he has taken my advice! He doesn't seem to care what the other kids say about him... but he only has 1 friend in school. His best friend since preschool - they are inseperable.
Some of the other kids will make fun of him and call him gay... I don't know if they mean it like 'lame' or in sexual-preference kind of way.. he is obsessed with girls and talks about them constantly but because he is the oldest of all girls, he isn't rough and tough. He's more sensitive and sometime has effeminite gestures.... don't laugh 
He doesn't seem to get embarrased.. he says whatever he wants and sometimes people are looking at him like he's a nut!
There is a huge part that LOVES this intense independant streak and another part that wants him to fit in.... what do I do? I want him to be an individual instead of a follower but I feel bad because he doesn't have a lot of friends.... of course, I know that you really only need 1 good friend - firendship is definitely quality over quantity.
I need some guidance because he is my oldest and his Dad and I are divorced and he is surrounded by girls and I want to do right by him... thanks.
i vote for unique all the way. as long as he is happy and doesnt care what the others say then by all means let him be him.
think about it this way would you want your son to be friend with people like that??? the ones who make fun of someone because they arent doing what everyone else is??? i know I wouldn't want my kids to be friends with those other kids. i say having one great friend who understands you is better than 100 fake friends. from what you say he seems happy with his friend and just know you are raising a happy respectful child.
I am so with you. My oldest (Josh) is 18 and is very independant, popular and has girls after him constantly. My next one (Matt) is 17 and is the complete opposite. Matt was diagnosed with ADHD when he was in Kindergarten. If you look in my avatar, Matt is the one that is kneeling. When he finished 6th grade he was a size 12 slim. We took him off all medicine that summer because we didn't like the side effects. As with your son, Matt is very funny and sensitive. When Matt started 7th grade he had jumped to 32x32 pants. I know you mentioned that your son didn't take the medicine - has he in the past? I know one of the side effects is preventing growth. I constantly worry about Matt because he is not as "out there" as Josh. To put it mildly - Matt is huge now and he hasn't stopped growing. I received a phone call a couple of years ago from someone that worked in our youth group because they had noticed what a loner Matt was. I broke down in tears because I thought I was the only that noticed and was concerned about it. Matt has really blossomed in the last 2 years and has become more outgoing. I don't know what has made the change for him. Just keep building up your son's confidence. Is he involved in any sports? Matt plays football. Maybe getting him involved in some sort of sport or extra activity would be helpful. Most importantly, you are not alone in this. I wish I could show you a picture of Matt from 4 years ago. You would be amazed at the difference in his size. I hope my comments have helped. Keep up with what you are already doing. Your son has an advantage over most boys - they aren't surrounded by girls and won't know how to treat their future wives!!! Your son has already been exposed to all the moods and problems of women!
i agree w/susanmm23......do you really want your child to be friends w/people like that!! and what does 'fitting in' mean anyway.....there are so many 'cliques' in school....you can never fit in w/everyone!! and be careful what you ask for....he could 'fit in' w/the wrong crowd!! better to have one best friend then 100 fake friends!!
i don't think you can go wrong by raising a child to be happy and confindent in who he/she is. no one should have to 'change' just to fit in or ever apologize for just being who they are!!
as long as he has the support of his family...esp someone to talk to if he is 'teased'.....and knows that he is loved no matter what.....that is the most important thing!! and it sounds like your son is happy w/who he is and has the support from his family!!! 
i had an 'oddball' brother who was teased alot in school and while he still has some 'oddball' tendencies in adulthood....he has turned out be fine (well depends on your def of fine 
). but i know it was rough for my mom...b/c my brother liked to fight and boy did he have a mouth on him!!
and my husband was the only boy raised w/4 girls......while he is very much a man......you know he was raised w/ALOT of females!! he is VERY respectful of women, very helpful around the house, takes my many mood swings in stride (leaves me alone), has very good grooming habits, and likes chick flicks!!
so I can understand your concerns....but sounds like your son is happy and doing well. so I wouldn't worry too much about it!
I wasn't saying I wanted him to be part of the clicks... I want him to be himself.... He is just so 'out there' on some things that I wonder if anyone else tries to tame their kid a little....
He was on the meds for about a year but hasn't taken them in at least 2-3 years. His Dad and I are divorced and recently my son asked me to put him back on the meds because he says he is uncontrollably hyper in school... sometimes he is bouncing off the walls and I make go run around the block to 'get the energy out'. I am not crazy about the meds and my ex-husband is major anti! When I spoke to him this morning, he had a mini fit. As for sports, my son goes to his dad's house every other weekend so school sports are out because they will not allow him to miss that many games. William and two of my girls will start basketball in 2 months.
This is the sweetest - most thoughtful kid... but sometimes he just drives me crazy and I snap at him and then feel bad. He is such a good kid and I feel like such an a$$ that I am not able to handle him better. The girls Dad left about 5 months ago so it has been a difficult couple of months. Thanks for all your posts
I just don't want to screw him up and give him some sort of complex that will have him in therapy for years 
just let him be himself, in the long run that will mean more to him about you as a parent then the other option. I've always went to the beat of a different drum and I am stronger in life because of it, even though when I was younger it wasn't easy. I have a freind who's parents home schooled him because of kids calling him gay (and trust me he's anything but) He's just more sensitive and effeminite than other guys out there. I have to say that my best freind Sarah married one heck of a guy (he's also in the AF) Don't know if home schooling is an option or not. If not listen to your son and take to heart about the medicine. I wouldn't want to do them either, but you need to sit down and hear his side on why in full detail.
my oldest who is nine is adhd and he does take meds. but ihave read alot of info on other things that can help kids. have you thought of putting him in karate or some other form of martial arts? i have been told by my kids dr that it helps alot. i have read a number of stories online about karate helping kids with adhd calm down.
my sons birth mom told him his meds made him smart. and that he had to take them everyday to be smart. uh i dont think so. to prove to him they didnt make him smart we took him off the meds and he was fine just extremely hyper. we explained to him all his meds do is help him focus. he only takes the meds when he goes to school. neveron a weekend and never during any sort of holiday. if you do decide to try the meds again my son is currently on foclian xr he has no side effects what so ever.
one-of-a-kind is the way to go....and I'm speaking as one who is also a loner too.
I'll make a bet here -- that he will find himself in the arts in some way.
and if I may be so bold -- take him down to the local theatre group and get him involved there. his "uniqueness" will be praised and valued...there will always be a way for him to contribute either on or backstage.
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and talking point for us all: (sure to start a bonfire)
recently went to a teacher training seminar.
1st night was about how boys are having more and more difficulty in school. why?
answer from a FEMALE researcher and many others too:
the elementary classroom has turned hostile to boys -- that what was in my day (some 40 years ago) seen as "normal" boy behavior, the restlessness, the need to be physically active, the inability to sit as quietly and docilely as a girl are now seen as "abnormal" -- and be heavens we're going to medicate the boys until they act like perfect little girls do.
consider how few schools have recess anymore -- my elem classes had THREE! morning, lunch, and afternoon....a prefect time for a boy to burn off the excess energy -- but now we'd rather dose them out on ritalin.
the conclusion of all the research is that MOST of the boys diaganosed w/ ADHD DON'T have it at all -- instead it's a convient out for teachers, school admins. and parents to get the kid on meds because they don't want to or have the patience to deal with boys being normal boys.
the reccomendations: get over the idea that boys and girls are the same or should be expected function the same. The men from mars/women from venus thing is soooo true....different as night and day.
get time back into the day for kids to PLAY -- to run, to scream, to chase, to just burn it off.
increase active learning and cut down on "sit quietly at desk doing worksheets etc. (interesting point here--study after study has shows the boys are SLOWER to develop the fine motor skills needed for learning penmanship (printing AND cursive) and grow frustrated faster when the girls get all the glory and they the "why can't you.....").
the statistics shared showed such a dim future for boys is our schools continue to try to force/medicate boys into quiet, docile submission -- higher dropout rates, more chance of committing murder, poorer economic status, etc.
consider the recent articles on how even at colleges the population is mostly female and the men are vanishing, incapable of doing the work. the same report cautioned: and just where will all these brainy, smart, intelligent, well-educated women find a husband that can be their equal?
it's time to reclaim our boys and there right to be BOYS!
KUDOS to all you who have stopped the meds and found that life goes on -- most likely at a faster more raucous pace -- but even that can be fun too -- just like the rollercoasters at the amusement park
Kids should be brought up to br themselves. If they don't fit in sometimes it is sad but as they grow and progress they'll find their own way in life. If it means holding some of their behavoiurs in they'll do that if it's what they want to do, but the greatest gift you can give them is to teach them to be themselves
I think you have some really good points Doug... ADHD is highly over-diagnosed. If he hadn't been jumping in place since he was 9 months old, I would even think that HE was misdiagnosed.
I do forget that boys and girls are different and they need to run and holler.... I really need to get him into sports or something - I guess that means I will have to get off my fat duff and exercise too
I wish we had a theatre group.... he is hysterical. He can imitate so many people and remembers lines after only hearing them once... he will be wayyy active in drama in high school, I bet.
Thansk again to you all
Contact the high school drama teacher and see if he can help with some of their plays.
I homeschool my son. He is only age 4 but I can see where a regular school could be detrimental to him. His schooling only takes 3 hours at the most and that's very rarely. And during this time he does have other activities he is doing besides just worksheets. I was told to check my son for ADHD but I didn't. He was in a daycare and refused to talk but would bounce off the walls at age 1. He does good now once I get him to focus on his tasks.
So sorry, this became so much longer than it should have, please don't hate me!!!
I have personal experience of being forced to act in a way that just wasn't me, and I now resent and hate my mother for it. She wanted me to behave like a stereotypical girl, dress in pastel colours, wear high heels and pretty make-up and have long blonde hair. I was only allowed to listen to boyband music, so I never ever listened to music at all. She even dictated who I should be friends with and what activities I could do out of school. She even chose my options at high school for me when I was 14 (I'm in the UK btw). I had to fight to be able to take art and science, as she saw art as a waste of time and science as something girls are no good at.
Despite her, I left school with great marks and went to 6th form college to study science. At this point in my education she couldn't have any influence, so I got to study what I wanted to. By going to a no-local college I also got to be myself. I finally began to like myself, and discovered that I am naturally a tom-boyish "goth" in to heavy metal and technology. She hates me for this, and has been violent several times. I've now graduated from uni with a great science degree, and am going back to qualify as a teacher.
At no time during school was I happy. I hated myself for not being able to be myself. No, I'm so happy, I've lived away from home for 5 years now, and a wonderful man who loves me for me, and who is completely the opposite to what my mum wanted to me have, ie he's caring, intelligent and stands up for what he believes. She wanted me to have a big rugby playing brute, who drinks excessively and is waited on hand and foot, becuase 'that is what a woman should want to do'.
Please don't force anything on your child and alow them to be free, and to be themselves, and he will love you even more so for it
Your son just seems to sound so much like my son (Matt). We will just be sitting there and he comes up with some off the wall comment that has us rolling. We were at Denny's one night and out of the blue he said "I'm glad I'm not a janitor". We just looked at him and said "why is that?". He said...."They're are always coming out of the closet!" You can imagine our reaction. Get him involved in anything - whether it's football, theatre or karate. He needs to feel that support and confidence that extra activity will bring him. It might take him a few tries to find his "nitch" but it's worth it.
As far as Doug's comments - AMEN!!!!
...he said "I'm glad I'm not a janitor". We just looked at him and said "why is that?". He said...."They're are always coming out of the closet!"
ROFLMAO!!!!!
get that kid into stand up comedy/improv group(s) ASAP!!!!!
(and just how much soda/milk/coffee/etc. got sprayed across the table on that comment?!?!)
Ezmeralda: thank you for sharing your story... I'm sorry for the way you were forced to grow up and do not want to do this very same thing to my kids. I will remember what you said. It is your Mum's loss that she cannot accept you for who you are. take care
Gilson: He sounds hysterical! My son cracked us all up one night when were at Chinese food... we all picked our fortune cookies and proceeded to open them and read them. When it got to my turn I told them mine was empty! 
So he said "How un-fortunate!" 
LOL
OMG!! We were dying... I know it is a corny joke but cripes - he was only ten when he said it and we still laugh about it
I would never change that incredible sense of humor and happiness for a calm child....I appreciate all your help
Be supportive and raise him to be him. As a homeschooling parent, girl scout leader, and ex-daycare teacher, giving him the ability to be himself will be so much more useful to him in life. Get him involved in other things to help him discover who he is. It could be 4h, scouts, choir, comedy club, church, or drama. Be strong because he will need you. Good luck.
my mom & dad: "so long as its LEGAL and makes you happy -- do what YOU want to do"
mom wanted an organist, dad a carpenter or auto mechanic or some other skilled trade
so I became a HS drama teacher: that covers music (mom) and skilled trades--building the sets(dad)
I was SO not what they were expecting -- but they got over it and supported me all the way!
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until I could drive: every time she answered the phone:
"hello, Mom's taxi service!"
Don't worry, my son is 6 and he "loves" girls.... I have three boys so to him, girls are so neat. At school he just wants to play with the girls, and some of it is because boys tend to be aggressive and say mean things and he's just not like that. He is also very loyal to a few people who have been his friends the longest. He is very very sensitive and affectionate yet on the other hand he is active and constantly wants to touch something, investigate something, or try something new. He has never been diagnosed with ADHD and I don't think he has it, I just think he's a bright, intelligent, active boy. It does worry me how much he likes girls at this age, haha, sometimes I wonder if we are in for alot of trouble, but he treats girls very sweetly and respectfully and I think that's a great way to start. Every child is different, just find out how they tick (if that's possible haha) and work with that.
My second son is wayyy different, is more of a loner and likes to imagine and pretend and is very artistic and creative while the first one is more logical and stick-to-the-facts.
My third boy is a silly little guy and that's all I can get so far, he is 18 mos.
And yes I do decorate cakes too! 
Okay, that's scary, Kitagirl! That sounds like my 3 boys! Except my oldest isn't fond of girls, yet. The other 2 sound just like mine, but the 3rd one is now 5 & just started Kindergarten. He's a hoot!
I agree with Doug on the boys in school thing. I am PTA president this year - I figure with 3 of them up there, I might as well be, too! It is so important to keep our voices & concerns to the school board or whoever is in charge. Our school still has 1 recess, plus phys. ed. time, so they get some of that burn time. I, too, remember having 3 recess/PE times as a child. But, being a girl, & not athletic, I didn't need that much. I really believe most kids do need it, though. Nowadays, too many of them don't get outside time, even at home. Our lives are too busy. I try to build that into their home time.
Also, Cakediva, consider Cub Scouts/Boy Scouts. We are heavily involved in that & it has been such a blessing for our boys.
Good luck - no job harder than parenting!
Thanks... I never thought of cub scouts. I guess I thought he might be a little too old for that. He wanted to do Karate but alot of the kids at his school have been doing it for so long that he feels like he won't be good enough. I told him he would be learning and in a different class, etc.. so I think I will check it out.
He just wants to take the medication again - says that will make him calmer. I figure, the kids at school must be talking because the words coming out of his mouth don't sound like 'him'...you know?
I also told him there was no such thing as a magic pill - this is not the mentality I want him to develop. He is going to talk to his Dad next week. and I am going to try and provide more exercise.
The ADHD mind reacts the opposite of the non ADHD child. So giving another kid a Mt. Dew would cause him to bounce of the walls but giving one to mine actually has him calm enough to process his thoughts and focus.... cripes it's a challenge, and I'm the adult! I can only imagine what he feels like
thanks again
hmmm....is that why my mom didn't mind that I'd slug down whole two quart bottles of Mountain Dew????
a cheap substitute for ritalin -- caffeen???? --- bring on Dew and the coffee too!
(and to prove what a truly odd child I was -- I'd pour the whole 2 qts into a big mixing bowl, get out the hand egg beater and beat until all the fizz was gone, then back into the bottle to drink it FLAT -- still like my soda as flat as flat can be!)
This has been an interesting topic to read...last year my son would get bored in class and just 'fall off' his chair for the fun of it...my son's speech teacher wanted him to see a specialist to see if he had add or adhd...my husband and I are against putting him on meds so why get the diagnosis. My son made an interesting comment the other night to my husband when he would go to bed for me because he wasn't tired and it was 11:00PM- he said he didn't get to exercise that much that day and that is why he wasn't tired.
So I am kinda afraid for what this year will bring (he will be in first grade) but I think this year will be good for him because he is already starting to see that he can't behave this year like he did last year....so there's hope...
My husband's aunt is a therapist or psychologist or something like that and she works with a lot of kids that have add or adhd. She even started a school for kids that have add or adhd because they seem to fall through the cracks out here in the local school districts. I'm so proud of her for doing this..she has first started out just doing after school programs and such but now this year they will be having actual classes.
You know the new teaching program that seems to be controversial is teaching boys separately from girls I think is a good idea as long as they combine the kids together at times so that they can learn to interact with each other as well.
I found this topic and just had to post. I have quiet abit to say so here goes. First off my nephew has adhd. He is on meds and alomost needs to because during school because he gets violent. He is a very funny kid also but acts out in school to get attention. My sister has 5 kids. Twin boys born first, then a daughter by first marriage. They lived with there Dad. She married again and had a premie daughter, then a son (Brandon). A few years ago the older ones came back to her household causing all kinds of situations. She wasn't able to see them for years because of x's wife who wound up in mental institution. The twin boys were very hyper as well and she had them doped up. The are now 19 and still hyper as some boys are. Back to Brandon she has her hands full they don't have money to put him in sports but she makes sure he has plenty of activity in his life. He loves riding his bike. Which brings me to my own son. He is almost 16. Like my nephews very hyper. They wanted to test him when he was about Brandons age I said no. He has a anger problem but has never been as violent as Brandon. But I had him in scouts and he rides his bike constantly. VERY ACTIVE BOY. He is High school and still stuggles sometimes. He is a very sensitive boy as well and has all the girls hanging on him sometimes phone is impossible to get. Then there is my daughter she is almost 8. She is very hyper as well. I have her in dance and scouts and I still here I am bored. She also rides her bike alot. She needs the activity to be able to wind down at night to go to sleep. And to you as a single mom check with your school to see about a big brother program. This my help him to identify more with an adult male to do activities with. Go to the park and play ball or throw a fresbie. It may help him to get his energy out. I know many single moms. So ask for help for the school. he doesn't have to be in organized sports that have to bee on the weekend. When Dad won't take him. If he needs his meds to function so be it I chose not to go that way. I may have changed my mind if my nephew had been my kid though. Because I babysat him alot and I was a my wits end with him. He would punch my daughter and she was 2 yrs. younger. So in his instance I believe meds were important. But most of all let him be himself. He is who he is FUNNY and HYPER. Imagine what some of the comedians moms thought when they were growing up. Probably God help me I want But they went on to be successful millionares. So keep it going and someday you will be as rich as you are now rich with with love I hope I could help Kids are Kids let them be themselves
There is hope!
My son had the same ADHD probs, except that he is not hyper, just inattentive and impulsive. He was on several different medications none of which improved his school/homework. He was so frustrating to me because he is smart enough to do all the work and understand all the concepts, he just refused to do the work, then got into discipline probs by the end of 7th grade. He was 60 lbs for about 3 years.
His medication was changed last year in 7th grade, and he has since gained about 30 lbs in the last 15 mos. He went to summer school which picked him up bigtime because of the small class, fast pace, and teachers who want to teach and influence these type of kids.
Now he is off the meds--they didn't help his classwork or attention and exacerbated his picking (on one medication, he actually started cutting). The best thing we did was stop requesting help from the school teachers, counselors, etc, (after the Asst Principal told him while I sat in the room that he is exactly the type of kid who will drop out of school.) I had a couple "come-to-Jesus" talks with him in which we both cried.
Since turning 13 he has really matured a lot. He is more social and really getting some momentum in scouting. He is still shorter than most boys his age, and still gets some aggravation on the school bus about stupid things like the music he listens to or why he doesn't have a cell phone or a new bike, but he can handle it. His grades seem to be going the right direction according to the progress reports we just received--B's and A's.
The question you asked is to me similar to "How can we be in the world, but not of the world?" I think you are doing exactly the right thing, being aware of his difficulties, and giving him acceptance and building his confidence--good job.
To Letta my son was also told in middle school by one of his teachers you will never amount to anything and that has stuck with him and we have struggled with that statement for 2 yrs. I complained about it at the time with no results. But I got lucky in a way he was asked to join an after school study group. And my moms cousin was heading the group and my son looked up to him. He is AWESOME with kids. Has been unfortunate and not had any biological kids of his own. But his students are his kids. He gets down to there level and tries to see where they are coming from. The teacher in question about his statement was asked about it and said my son misunderstood what he said. My son cried about it so I know he wasn't lying about what was said. SO We have went on from there. He still has teachers and principals who think if he checks out a book about wars and it has a Nazi symbol on it. He is a bad boy because of the book he chose to read. Good luck. I tell my son one day at a time. Do what you can do. Try to blow off what you can. Kay
I love the idea of getting him into theater! I got into it in high school to suck up to my english teacher of all things (he was also the theater director/ cordnator/coach) I loved it! It really did help me get out that unique side a little bit better than the sports I was invovled in.
ARGH!!!!!!!!!! --- FILE A FORMAL complaint against those teachers who said anything to effect of "you'll never amount to anything, you're the type that drops out" !!!!!!!
they give the good teachers -- which they certainly aren't -- a BAD name....get them gone!!!
and as for checking out books about wars, etc. --- again a symptom of the "politically correct" movement and the ANTI-Boy - why can't you behave like a girl movement!!! --- file a complaint there too!!
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as for theater -- well, as a drama teacher -- yes of course I promote it -- because I've seen what it can do for the child that fits in no where else --- and trust me -- by the last week of the play -- He** week-- that child will be dead tired!!!
I have a lot to say on this topic, too, so be prepared.
First of all, as a teacher (taught K - 1 up until three + years ago. Now I am a SAHM) I can't tell you how many kids at our school were on medication for ADD or ADHD. I'm not going to say that none of them needed it, but I can certainly say that our society is quick to over-medicate. I can't say at all whether or not your son needs medication but do be sure to talk it over with more than one doctor. Get second opinions. Let the doctors know that you don't want to medicate just for the sake of medicating but that you truly want to be sure it's needed. You did the right thing by making sure your son knows that there is no magic pill to make life easier. It's important that he knows that a pill won't change things overnight. I really worry about this generation of kids (and ones down the line) as society is so much less accepting of people's differences it seems and they want everyone to conform. Some teachers are definitely guilty of this (as Doug said, not the GOOD ones) but some teachers will almost harass parents to medicate their child because they don't happen to have the skills / ability to work with them and they don't want to be bothered with figuring it out.
Case in point . . . my hubby was one of "those" kids who may or may not have had ADD / ADHD. He has always been energetic and as a child was hard to "tame". He had a teacher tell him that he'll never be good at math and that he'll never be able to spell (she got the spelling part right, but what kind of evil witch says that kind of thing to a child???). Anyway, one year and one school later, my hubby was in advanced math at least three years above grade level. He was fortunate enought to have a teacher that understood him. She gave him three desks at various spots in the room. She told him that she didn't care which one he sat at and didn't care if he was on the desk, at the desk, or under it as long as he was doing his work and not disturbing anyone. She gave him the freedom to move around at will when necessary, but also gave him guidelines so he wasn't all over the place and out of control. Exactly what he needed. This same teacher also did math drills outside on the soccer field. So having a teacher who "gets it" makes all the difference in the world.
It is so hard to watch your child struggle with being different but those differences are what make him special. And truly, you can try to change him to conform and fit in better but you really won't be changing him, he'll just learn that some parts of him aren't acceptable or good enough and no one needs that. He sounds like an a terrific kid who just needs to know how amazing he is on a constant basis. All kids will be teased about something or other . . . it used to be that middle school and high school kids could be so cruel but nowadays it has seeped into elementary schools as well and we've got such a society of insecure people who try to find their worth by diminishing others. Find that outlet that your son enjoys (who cares if he isn't at the same karate level as his friends? If he enjoys it he may just surpass them!)
I can tell by reading your posts that you know most of this and you do have your son's best interests in mind. Go with your heart and your gut and you'll be just fine.
Good luck!!!
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