Lately, it seems like when I ask a question on this site I don't get answers that I'm looking for. I try to be so detailed in what I mean with things but people just don't seem to read the questions right and reply with something completely different or don't reply at all... lucky if I get 2 or 3 responses and they usually have nothing to do with what I'm asking in the first place... grrr... just had to complain a bit...
Now onto my latest dilemma... I made a 2 tier graduation cake for my nephew's wife over 2 weeks ago... I told her to return my plates & pillars within a week and she never did... finally she brought them over to my mom's house and there was the 8" plate missing along with one of the caps for the pillars gone... supposedly they threw them in the garbage! Ugh! So she goes and buys me a new 8" plate but it's the kind with the crossed feet that fit inside of the pillars... the plates that I used for her cake were the ones with the round feet on the bottom so I could stick my crystal pillars into them... UGH! So what do I do? Make a big deal and complain to her about it... this is the 2nd cake I've done for them (I did their wedding cake for nothing as well) and she's even taken all 3 Wilton courses herself so she knows how much work they are... she's really grateful to me for doing them but don't you think you'd have a little more respect for my stuff?
I just wanted to add that I also just got my first down payment for a wedding cake. I have 3 cakes at the end of summer and I started doing contracts now just to keep them all straight. I require 1/3 down so this couple sent me their third and I just went to WalMart to buy all my ingredients... I was just so excited... I had so many people asking if I do wedding cakes it was exciting! Well, that's about it for now... I just didn't feel like posting 3 different messages to get all that out.
I know how frustrating it must be to not get your things back.
I would go ahead and charge a "REPLACEMENT" deposit.
and you get 100% of your deposit back when I get 100% of my things back.
Sometimes those things come in sets and you cannot get replacement parts, you have to go out and buy the whole set.
Unless you can get the disposable sets from Bakery Craft. They are a little more reasonable and I work them in the price of the cakes I do.
A lot of times people are nice enought to bring them back..including the cake drums..lol
When they are nice like that, I ask them if they would like a 10% off coupon on their next order!
But, I actually work in the price of the plastics into my cakes and don't worry about it.
Unfortunately, when it comes to free cakes, you are gambling when you use your own stuff. At least she attempted to replace the missing parts!
If it ever happens again, just tell them the cost of the missing pieces so they can reimburse you...or give them a photo and detailed description of your property along with the cake.
As far as your questions not being answered....this post, for example, covers a few different topics....maybe if you narrow it down......I find people usually try to help, but it is harder when there is too much info... 
Why don't you ask her for the receipt so that you can return it for a refund and purchase the correct replacement or just return the product back to her and give her a bill for the replacement parts. Either way it was her responsibility to return it in tack or replace it correctly. Also, I agree with taking a deposit on any cake using your supplies for replacement value. Once everything is returned undamaged, they get back their deposit. By the way congrats on your wedding cake order. Take pics and let us see your masterpiece.
well, seeing as she has taken the courses herself, it would tend to piss me off more that they weren't returned.
For free cakes, use stuff that you don't care or don't need back. Then if you don't get it back its no big deal. For all others, build the cost of the equipment into the cost of the cake, then if you do get it back its a plus and if you don't, oh well, your not out anything.
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